Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

A Neurotic's Take On Going To Concerts

But first, a status message from a friend on Facebook yesterday:

"Going to see Mumford and Sons tonight!  Love!"

Rational happiness mixed with some appropriate, giddy anticipation, right?

Now, back-up several weeks ago...

karen receives an email from the Mumford & Sons website:

"'Sup Canada (and folks living nearby to Canada)? Hope things are all good in your lovely lands. Just stopping by to see if you're free towards the end of October at all? Because the band have planned a few shows...

A ticket pre-sale will begin at 10am EST on Wednesday 14th September. Here are the pre-sale details so make sure you keep hold of this email."


Oh I LURV Mumford & Sons!  I super heart them!  Why, Marcus Mumford is my SECRET BOYFRIEND!  Okay, I have to be ready for the EXACT MINUTE that tickets go on sale online so I don't miss out.  Must be ready.  Must call sister IMMEDIATELY because I KNOW she'll be coming too.

- Okay, sister is IN!  Now I just have to be ready tomorrow when the time comes to enter the secret password.

Hm...wait a accurate is the clock on my computer?  karen checks computer clock..checks kitchen clock...checks clock on electronic TV guide..checks time on The Weather Network station.  Computer clock is reading the same time as the time everywhere else.  However, this is not good enough.

karen links over to a website showing GREENWICH MEAN TIME and discovers that her computer is (gasp!) APPROXIMATELY TWENTY SECONDS FAST.  karen makes note and will adjust herself for this discrepancy when ordering tickets.

Ticket purchase day arrives..

karen resists urge all morning to give wild noogies to family members
Computer shows 10:00
karen has already typed in username and password, but forces herself to count to 20 and then HITS THAT SUBMIT BUTTON
pits are sweaty
info is entered

Instant regret.

Oh wait...(karen stops thinking in 3rd person)...I feel sick.
What have I done?
I regret this already.
I don't want to drive to HAMILTON.
Oh my god, why am I so stupidly impulsive?
Oh, my nerves!
Okay, get it together karen, old kid, old sock--you have over a month until the concert.  You can put it aside in your brain.  Yes, just put it aside.

Finally, after a few weeks of fretting, CONCERT WEEK arrives.  karen is FULL OF LAMENT:

why does the concert have to be in HAMILTON (whining)???
I HATE HAMILTON (no offense to Hamiltonians)
Inner city driving freaks me out!
Why doesn't anyone come to THIS CITY???

Day before concert:

I feel nervous.
Okay karen, don't be retarded.  You're going to a CONCERT.
You're going to see one of your favourite bands.
It's HAMILTON, not TORONTO, AKA: The Labyrinth of Hell
Hamilton is only an hour away.
Suck it up and ACT LIKE A GROWNUP.

10:00 PM, the Night Before The Concert:

I'm tired and cold.
I like to go to bed at 10:30.
See?  See how tired I am???
What was I thinking?!?
I can't stay up late anymore?
karen, you're being an IDIOT again.

Concert Day:

More fretting in between bouts of diarrhea
Nap from 12:30 - 1:00
thorough session on to print out directions to and from the concert venue as well as a few maps, specifically of the STICKY less straight-forward portions of the drive.
At 2:00, karen takes out the tickets from their secret hiding spot in the mostly abandoned "sexy underwear" drawer.
karen actually takes a good look at the tickets and realises, for the first time, that it says "FLOOR."


I have tickets on THE FLOOR?
The floor.
The FLOOR?!?

Nerves + elation = PINGING OFF THE WALLS

Just before leaving for concert:

-fun rabid session chasing The Man around dining room trying to stick my freezing hands on his sides
- show my new $16 RED purse that I bought for the concert to The Man, and inform him that it is so yummy-nummy that it is SEX ON A STRAP
- made enough ridiculous jokes that eventually The Man said: "Can you just GO?"

In the car, on the way to the concert

My sister is talking about how she HAD to straighten her hair before the concert, in case Marcus Mumford  spies her in the crowd and then invites her back stage so he can tell her how it was LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

I'm nuts by this point, so I tell her what would really happen:

Me, pretending to be Marcus M., but using a very LOUD, obnoxious, COCKNEY ACCENT:


Aimee:  "He would NEVER say that!  He's NOT LIKE THAT!"

Laugh so hard at my own joke that I'm actually crying.  Repeat knob polishing joke approximately 10 more times en route.

Finally make it to the venue!
However, because I'm so anal, it is just past 5:30.
The concert starts at 7:30.
We join the lineup of YOUTH out front of the concert hall.
Oh my god, we're the oldest people here.
One of the two, homely short teenager boys in front of us has farted.
I stand there in utter disgust as they are killing themselves.
$&*# Teenagers.
Hey look:  a few concert goers have just been dropped off out front by THEIR PARENTS.

Inside The Concert Hall

feel suddenly like jumping up and down and hugging some of the shallow youth who are everywhere because HOLY FROCK, I HAVE TICKETS FOR THE FLOOR BITCHES!  BOO YAH!

Two Coffee Crisp chocolate bars:  $5
One plastic cup of Coors Lite and one hard lemonade:  $14.50
drink some of the beer but ditch the rest due to overwhelming fear of having to pee DURING the concert
Make our way onto the floor and delight in the fact that we are a mere 25 feet from the stage!
Oh, but wait....we'll be standing FOR HOURS.  I can't STAND FOR HOURS!
Don't be such a BABY, karen--you STAND UP all day!  Hell, you're always at the kitchen sink!  You were MADE for standing.
Good looking young guy makes a POINT of checking me out.
Yep. Still got it.

As The Evening Progresses

My feet hurt
People smell.
I'm tired of the smell of FEET.  So, so tired of the smell of FEET.
It smells like FEET, BREATH, and SWEATY, HOT, UNWASHED CLOTHES in here.
Somebody farted again.
The fart has made me furious.
I would like to stop the concert to find out who farted.
If this stupid teenage BITCH doesn't stop using me as a leaning post, I'm going to lose it.
Inform sister how this CHICK won't GET OFF ME.  Sister smiles serenely and shrugs.  This shrug and smile means; "it's a CONCERT, karen.  You just have to ROLL  with it."
The crowd has shifted slightly again, so now annoying girl is leaning on my sister.
Aimee doesn't look so serene anymore.

Ridiculously burnt out in between acts.  So burnt out in fact, that I point out an innocent concert goer guy off to my right with insane, thick carpet hair, and tell my sister that whenever our feet start to hurt, just look at buddy's hair and we'll feel better again.  Once again, am laughing so hard I am crying.  Poor innocent concert guy with terrible hair.  It's not his fault he has insanely luxurious TEEN WOLF hair.  He could buzz it though...

Everybody has a better phone than I.  It's ridiculous in fact as all these skinny arms raise into the air to take pictures of the stage, and their stupid tricked-out phones are so much better--EXPONENTIALLY better in fact--that it looks like they're holding mini TV's in their hands, as I can see the crystal clear images on their phone screens.

Mumford & Sons Finally come on Stage!

Oh lookit:  they're as cute on stage as they are on youtube.  Aw, that's nice.
F*ck my feet hurt.
My feet hurt so much.  So, so much.
They're aching.  They're just aching.
Damn, the band sounds spectacular.
They are very, very talented.
My feet are blocks of pain.
They have turned into icy-hot, aching blocks of pain.
I can't stand anymore.
I can't take it.
Holy shit I can't believe how much feet can hurt.
Try alternately tapping feet.
Try alternately lifting one foot and standing flamingo style.
Try wiggling toes.
Toes feel like ice picks are slowly being slid inside, one by one.
OH sweet mother of mercy my feet F*CKING HURT.
Christ--are they EVER going to stop singing?
I'm just going to have to tell my sister we're going to have to leave a bit early.
Maybe we can listen to the rest of the concert out in the hall---SITTING DOWN.
The FLOOR is a wonderful, TERRIBLE GIFT.
I'm too old for tickets ON THE FLOOR.
I'm in agony.

Keep it together karen...keep it together....two songs, maybe three MAX.  You can do that right?  You've made it this far???

Oh, the last song is Roll Away Your Stone!  Great song!  The crowd is GOING NUTS!  Everyone's jumping up and down!  The lights!  The sounds!  It's great!  I LOVE EVERYONE!  I FEEL SO ALIVE!  I'M NOT SO OLD!  I'M STILL ALIVE!  SING IT BOYS, SING IT!!!

And then it was all over.
I was spent.

that's right--I have my hood pulled TIGHT and DONE UP under my chin.  You got a problem with that, people?  Well, I'm not ashamed.  I'm nearly 40, and I have NOTHING TO LOSE.

another shot (pre-concert) for pure sexiness.  In my defense, it was RAINING.  PRINCESS HATES THE RAIN!!!

Aw, there are the boyz.  Actually, I not only don't CARE that my camera takes SHITE PICTURES, I kind of like it.  I think they look ARTSY.


a sea of cell phones and assorted TECHNOLOGY ~ A sign of the times.

love the contrast in colours...

by this point, if only my idiot feet had just fallen off


Yep.  Still got it.

see how close I was to the stage?  If only I'd had a chair :)

I love you Mumford & Sons.  Just ignore the fact that I'm almost completely neurotic.


  1. Jesus, you're making me a nervous wreck. Reading this post was not good for my heart. It's beating a mile a minute. I've never in my life heard of Mumsford and Sons but I was freaking out for fear that they wouldn't appear. I'd be so upset and I don't even know why.
    You need to calm your ass down.
    Love, m.

  2. How are your feet today?

  3. Yeah, tell me something I don't know, Mark! Hey, why has nobody heard of Mumford and Sons? They're so freaking talented...

    You were nervous reading it, but you should try being me. No wonder I normally just stick to gardening.

  4. Okay, thanks Steph, but I'm dismayed that my feet were destroyed by virtue of my own body. Very discouraging at this age :)

  5. did you try to wear cute shoes? because at this stage of life, cute shoes must be abandoned in favor of practical comfort when you will be standing for more than 30 minutes.
    i'm glad you had fun. torturous fun. =)

  6. ok , now i have to google mumford,and see if they are cute!

  7. not so cute,[a bit o' mono brow], but did you realize that you went to a christian concert? so hopefully he won't ask you to polish anything but his cross!oi!

  8. I laughed my ass off reading this. Truly.

    The bouts of diarrhea? The despair at the farting youth? The feet smell?


    We can go to concerts together from now on and only sit in chairs or suites [they have COUCHES in there].

  9. I too lurve the Mumford&Sons. Very funny post! Glad you pulled thru to enjoy the show.


    ps> Check out The Avett Brothers. They are my fave. They played on the Grammy's with Mumford and Bob Dylan!

  10. Ahh! I LOVE it that you went!!! LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!! Go Karen!
    You had fun in the end and yes - people still smell, sister - welcome back to the stinky, smelly joy of humanity - and ROCK ON!!! Woo HOO!!!
    (((used to work on a tour - twice - it gets smelly backstage, too!)
    I hope you go to another and another - gotta do it before you hit the wheelchair babe!

  11. Sherilin, I sure as hell did NOT try to wear cute shoes. I did, however, make the mistake of wearing the shoes that were ONE STEP UP from wearing my freaking running shoes, and my feet paid. Oh how they paid.

  12. Oh Paula, Paula Paula. He is TOO cute! I don't know--he's not conventionally cute, I'll give you that, but omg I lust him. Check out this video:

    at 1:07 it melts me.

    Ah well, don't take my word for it--you're talking to a girl who LURVED Gene Wilder...especially in Blazing Saddles...swoon...

  13. okay Mrs. H, to that I offer the following:

    "Mumford and Sons responded to their album being described as shot through with Christian iconography thus:

    "We're not a Christian rock band as such, the album deals with dilemmas every man deals with in life as do we. Faith is just one thing we've gone with. It's one subject that can't be ignored and we've tried to deal with it."

  14. Oh Sue, thank you. Truly you are a kindred spirit. I'm not very "chill" apparently, and I'm not very good at "rolling with it".

    Oh well, maybe in my next life :)

    Yeah, I def. need a chair in the future. 100% need a chair.

  15. Thanks Thea, I'll check that out!

    At least you know who they are! SNIFF! Someone asked my sister if they sing that "Lion King" song. Oh the shame.

  16. Damn it Christina. You're making me re-evaluate my promise to myself to NEVER go to another concert AGAIN. Curse your convincing ways, and your extremely shrewd play on my fear of death!

  17. DAMN IT LAOCH, where were you a month ago???

    Ha ha...I guess you concur about concerts.

  18. Yeah, so smelly feet, leaning girls, and teen farts are no fun. But if you want to be the coolest, youngest, hottest chick at a concert, you have to go see Tony Orlando. I HAVE BEEN THAT CHICK! I was the only person there who didn't know any of the songs. The good news was they had chairs. Some of them even had wheels on them.

    I hope your feet feel better.

  19. Thanks Grace. Now that is some excellent advice. I could be there, hooching out to KNOCK THREE TIMES ON THE CEILING IF YOU WANT ME and looking HAWT??? Well, at least by comparison, which is good enough in my book.

    Hilarious. How did you end up at that concert?

  20. dude, you just described every concert I attended since i turned 40 (last year).

    It's just not cool like it used to be. Teh craziness is now inconvenience.

    Glad you had fun. If you lived here or me there, we'd go to small venue, see a good indie band, and have an even better time.

    loved the post

  21. Thanks Lance, I think your suggestion would have been much, much better. Chairs! Alcohol! likee. The company would be good too ;)

  22. I nearly lost it at the "Oh NO! Not the encore!" Anyway, everyone know all the best concerts are in Toronto - way more upper class - no one farts there.

  23. that may well be true, Matt. The only problem is I HATE Toronto, and HATE trying to find my way around through it. Shudder. But it's true--the concerts seem a bit more upscale, and you have a way better chance of getting really crappy seats :)

  24. I'm currently 37 and pretty sure I've been too old for concerts for years now. I would so much rather listen to music in the comfort of my own home. I might make an exception if it was nearby. But do both a long drive AND loud concert? I don't wanna!

  25. Ooooh, so in the end you had fun, yes? Stinky feet fun, but still enjoyable?

    The last concert my husband and I went to, I felt like the old person at the club. There were all these kids, and the guys and the girls all dress the same AND have the same haircuts. And yes, many were rather smelly. What's up with that? Is that what's crackin' with the youth these days? Geez. Anyway, I knew we were getting a little old for the scene when we watched this kid dance around, looking hella messed up on Lord only knows what, and then promptly pass out, face forward, smack onto the dirty, sticky, stinky floor. No one around him seemed to care, they just moved out of the way.

    Ah, the youth.

  26. I think HE was secretly dedicating the concert to me.. yes, that's right.

    And that b*tch who used me like a leaning post was THIS close to getting a smack in the face. The FACE I SAY!

    Concert was WICKED.


  27. Damn straight, Jennifer! You are a wise woman. long drive plus loud concert equals EXHAUSTION.

  28. Vesta, "is that what's crackin with the youth these days" is the question that made my whole week. Lurved it. It cracked me up. Apparently it is. It makes me immediately think of how my 7 year old son turns his shoes into STINK CHAMBERS within mere weeks of owning them. Apparently it's a young, hormone dude thing.

    Hilarious story, by the way.

  29. Aim, that would have been mighty interesting if you actually had SMACKED dipstick in the face.

    Yes, yes, concert dedicated to you, with hearts and smooches and love.

  30. omg I think I was you during the Dave Matthews Band concert I went to a year or two ago. I mean, I wasn't YOU per se, I just felt exactly the same way as you did. I love DMB. I thought it was going to be the greatest. Of course the music was freaking insane, but ooh, I chose the wrong shoes. And I felt really old. I'm 40. Also, I am very pro-Mumford. :)

  31. Jessica, I'm comforted every time I hear that someone else felt the same damn way as I did at a concert. As I was leaving and whining about my feet, some woman heard me and completely commiserated, and guess what--she was about the same age as us.



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