Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Poopy Stinky MID-LIFE Tuesdays


I think I'm having a midlife crisis.  No, wait....make that a midlife crisis DAY, because those come and go.  People, it is less than six months until I turn FORTY.  Yes, I know, who gives a shit.  Also I know that some of you have been there and done that, and you're still fabulous, so why the hell am I complaining?

BECAUSE ANTICIPATION IS HORRID.  I think this is worse than anticipating THIRTY.  Actually, when I hit the 30's, I liked it.  I was glad to no longer be in my 20's.  I thought that was a stupid decade of life.  Everyone is still far too concerned with being HAWT.  I have to buy clothes that make me look HAWT.  I have to go out to clubs and try to look HAWT.  Does this lacy bra make me look HAWT?  Ooo, I'm fat.  I hate my stomach.  My stomach looks soooo embarrassing in this bikini.  I'm just going to keep my arms folded over it whenever I sit down.

Retardation, I tells ya.

Still, because I'm me, since I'll be turning 40 soon, it's all OHMYGOD I'M THAT MUCH CLOSER TO DEATH!  I feel like a big test is coming up soon, and I've barely studied.  You know--cruising along?  So now I've cracked the whip over myself and am GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS.

This means:

1) multivitamin with dinner.
2) almost no fun food
4) some bullshit weight-lifting session after power-walks
5) more disgusting vegetables
6) Vitamin D and Omega 3 RELIGIOUSLY (oo, that rhymed nicely)

and this is all because I really don't want to look like this:

and would much prefer to turn 40 and look like this:

you can't even imagine how many hours I've wasted cropping and pasting my head lately

Also, I think I'm bummed.  Some stupid teenagers have been roaming the neighbourhood smashing pumpkins the past week. 

F*cking teenagers.  Like you didn't already suck enough (not my pumpkins by the way).

So, last night The Man returned home from karate and informed me that our pumpkins had been taken and smashed, and the evidence was left to mock us in the middle of the road.  That means that the little bastard(s) slipped up to my front porch some time between 7 and 9.


when I went for my power walk this morning, there were smashed pumpkins all through the neighbourhood.  I feel a futile, phony letter filled with impotent rage coming on:

Dear Teenaged A$$hole,

Thanks so much for smashing our pumpkins you little piece of shit.  I don't really give too much of a crap about the good-sized grocery store pumpkin, because that one can easily be replaced.  I do, however, feel some KING KONG rage over you grabbing the little pie pumpkin my girlie got on her class trip to the pumpkin farm, and the little teeny tiny eeny weenie 50 cent pumpkin we'd gotten on a nice Sunday family outing.

I can't wait till my daughter realises what's happened and that all the pumpkins are gone, and I can't wait to try to explain the unexplainable, yet unavoidable fact of life which is that sometimes people are complete vacant jerks, and there is no explaining WHY.  

So listen up, f*cktard:  tonight THE MAN is going to set a trap for you, and when the 6'3" guy leaps out of the car when you try to get your grubby mitts on the BAIT PUMPKIN, I can't wait till you get paraded up the road to various neighbours houses to explain why you're such a dick.  

- ANGRY karen

Ah, what a fantasy.




  1. why do teenagers feel the need to smash pumpkins? when kids used to smash our pumpkins when we were kids, my mom would go out, scoop out the bits, then wash them up & make pumpkin pie.
    btw, speaking of vitamins, we were reading a health book today & suddenly brooke said, "how's that little boy who only eats toast & chocolate milk doing? he needs a better diet!" i guess she overheard me once when i was discussing challenging eaters with a friend & mentioned your boy. she's very concerned for his health & wellbeing.

  2. 40 passed without much of a blip, 45 however ...

  3. yup matt and i are having one of those days too. we decided to do some weight watchers, we figure we can pull this out of the ditch by the time we turn 40.we will be fab and forty, which will be great 'cause i am so sick of looking and feeling like a giant bag of cottage cheese!

  4. My life got a lot better when I turned 40. It was like I suddenly had permission to be myself: grumpy and overdressed and to swear like a motherfucker and play my music way too loud. I also stopped giving a flying fuck what anybody thinks of me - it's liberating!

    You'll be fine, I promise. Also - I so need you to hide, with video camera, and chase those pumpkin smashing little turdmonkeys down!

    Love, Sarah xxx

  5. I cant get enough of your cropping your head on photos...
    Rich turns 40 in a few months too...he too is stressing this.
    Heres what you are going to are going to go out tonight with a wonderful person and have a super awesome time!!!!!!

  6. Wow! You're really getting cranky in your old age!
    p.s. Keep up the cutting/pasting of your head. It's hilarious!

  7. Smashing Pumpkins is a good band but a wrong activity. They have at least sliced them up and left you a pie.

    Good luck with your die deal. My wife and I are on one too. I want to lose 10-15. It's impossible at our age, but I'm trying.

    You and I had similar days/weeks....i feel like i;m banging my head against a wall trying to be a 41 yr old writer.

    good stuff K

  8. The pumpkin smasher was me, I admit it. I was jealous of you turning 40 soon. lol I had to release my angst SOMEHOW.

  9. Sherilin, that's cute. I told Jack that just now, and he found it pretty interesting. Of course, I had to tell him approx. 500 times that NO, this girl lives far away and NO, she didn't come up to ME and ask.

    I have no idea why teenagers have to be dicks. I know there's that whole action before thought compulsion thing, but whatever. I never did anything like that.

  10. not so good, eh Laoch? Sure, I can dig that. I didn't enjoy 35 much at all. It put me in the "LATE 30'S" category.

  11. Paula H, that is awesome. Good for you guys. Weight Watchers is a decent program, because it runs on the principle of cutting back rather than total denial, which is nearly always doomed to fail.

    Okay, let's work on becoming awesome by the time we're 40!!!

  12. Sarah, I completely agree with the liberating part, because I'm mostly there now anyway.

    So then...what the hell IS my problem...

    Yeah, we have to catch those little pricks.

  13. thanks Steph, I was beginning to wonder if I just might be overdoing the cropping fun thing :)

    We had a good time--thanks!

  14. Mark: GETTING cranky? My darling, I've been there for ages :) :) :)

    p.s. thankyou!

  15. Lance, you nailed it--it is IMPOSSIBLE at our age! That is so astute.

    Good luck to you as well, and oh yeah, why does the number have to mean so much, but it just does.

  16. Ha ha Matt. You're not fooling me though, Mr. March.

  17. Oh Richard, why do you only stop by when I'm at my most ridiculous? I'll have to give you advance warning when I'm actually being deep and ponderous.

  18. Pumpkins: smear some serious Castor oil all over ten of them, and sit them by the street - that stuff is hard to get off your hands: NOTE: use a paper towel.

    Teens: at least they aren't smashing car windows (good neighborhood, Karen, great job!)

    Midlife crisis: email me when you are ready for a tummy you can bounce quarters off of after two kids. . .no kidding - give me 30 days, 10 minutes every morning and you can wear your Cat Lady suit next Halloween.

    Midlife crisis #2: AGE - what is it????
    I am sure we went over this - but hey, I'm looney and forget things - so in case we didn't -
    Age is nothing but how many times your butt has been on Earth and circled the Sun - get it out of your head and stop counting laps and start counting LAUGHS. - Love ya!~Christina

  19. I don't get it. WHy would anyone want to smash pumpkins? Unles, of course, they're making pumpkin curry.

  20. oo...pumpkin curry. I haven't made curry in a long time because my daughter hates any meals with foods mixed together :(

    I don't know why they would do it, Cricket Freak. Perhaps they think they've really gotten away with something momentous.

  21. Christina, you wise woman, how on earth does one get that stomach? It's impossible. I have a stomach that will never be bouncable again. Seriously, that was the price I paid for carrying lovely, giant baby Ella for 9 months :) Well worth it, but oh well. I'll just work on the other parts.

  22. Every once in a while I hyperventilate when I realize I'm 43.

    And then I stop thinking about it because oh my god no more.

    Fucking wanker bastard teenagers RUIN EVERYTHING.


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