Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Tuesday, November 1, 2011



Where am I?

WHO am I???

What are all those small wrappers all over the floor?  OH dear god...did I do that!?!  I DID THAT!!!

Blech to candy and blech to small bags of  crunchits cheeto thingos.

I don't know what happened to me yesterday. Normally, I am a woman of MUCH discipline.  So much discipline in fact that I am actually a totaly a$$hole about sugar.  Total.

I'm an anti sugar drill sergeant.  I would even dare to say that I'm a sugar nazi, but I don't want to use that word too much, lest it attract that wrong crowd of internet surfers, or make me look insensitive about a certain INFAMOUS period of history.  So, I'll leave it to you guys to come up with a word that says that I am MILITANTLY ANTI SUGAR AND JUNK.

That's right.  In the past when the kids have received bags of candy from the relatives, I've smiled and said; "oh, isn't that nice!" and then I went home and threw that crap out.  I am not a fan of candy.  I do not think empty sugar foods are "treats."  I almost never buy the FUN cookies, and I skip right the hell past that bakery section of the grocery store.

By the time Halloween or Easter come, I'm nearly fit to be tied.  Why?  Because I'm SO FREAKING ANAL about the kids wolfing down so many sugar treats.  I admit it!  I should relax, but I can NOT relax.

And here's the irony:  when I was a kid, our cupboards were stocked with crap.  There were always bags of chips, various bags of cookies, breakfast cereals with marshmallows in them, boxes of Jos. Louis in the fridge, jam-filled turnovers for dessert, pop tarts for whenever, stashes of chocolate in the pantry....  Oh, and we had dessert nearly every night, and if my Mom didn't bake it herself, she bought it at the grocery store.


We had so much shit that we could even complain about what shit we had.  For example:  "Spanish Bar cake?  Yuck!  I HATE Spanish Bar cake!"  This was a dark brown cake with raisins, and creamy white frosting from the grocery store.  I actually took a pen to the label on the cake once and changed it to "Spanish BarF Cake."

I'd also waa-waa about the odd time a Sara Lee Cake would pop up for dessert--ESPECIALLY the coconut one.   That's how spoiled with junk food we were:  we could actually complain about the "treats" we had.

Now, I'm not trying to slag my Mom.  I don't think it was abuse or anything that we had a house full of junk, but I do think it's kinda like a junkie living in a house full of CRACK COCAINE (is this still hip?  Should I have said CRYSTAL METH?).


My Mom had TONS of willpower.  Seriously--she was one of those people who was content with a couple of squares of chocolate when she had a craving.  So, the cupboards of crap became the ultimate FORBIDDEN FRUIT.  Whenever my parents would go out, or go on vacation, or Mom would go to work, my brother used to actually say; THE CUPBOARDS ARE OURS!  And we'd go to town.

One of the lowest moments of my youth was when my parents went away on vacation, and after having a f*cking good time working our way through the cupboards there I was one night having a box of Crunch N Munch for dinner, and I was washing it down with gingerale.  I think that's when I reached the bottom.


I hardly ever have anything fun to eat in the house anymore.  This is not to say that I don't ORDER THE MAN TO GET CUPCAKES from the ohmyfreakinggod cupcake store that just opened right around the corner every couple of weeks.


I'm only a woman.  A weak, fantastic, witty, charismatic woman...alas...

But yesterday?  Oh snap.

We ate our way through 3 dozen pumpkin-shaped sugar cookies with orange icing, because come on--only an a$$hole doesn't put icing on sugar cookies.  We also chowed through several mini pumpkin muffins (healthy!  HEALTHY!  Because only an anal freak sends a healthy baked good for the class party, right?!?).  I had a small orgy that evening with mini chocolate bars and crunchy cheesy things.

Sugar and Junk, I'd like you to meet PMS.  She'll LURV you guys.  OH, and she's super easy, heh heh.  Get in there, boys!

Oh, even better--The Man and I were standing on the front porch during trick or treat time sucking down a couple of "Crusty Wives" (what--you didn't notice the cocktail I myself created right there on the side panel of this blog????  For shame, good reader, for shame).  My sister popped over for a minute and said "it stinks like booze on this porch."


Then I remembered that it is MY JOB to inspect the kids' candy to look for bullsh*t razorblade type things.

I actually let them keep MOST of it.  I did, however, say no to the following:

1. giant gumballs.  Sorry, but those are just stupid, and they suck after approximately five seconds anyway.

2. 3 mini candy canes.  Um, hello?  Am I an idiot?  I KNOW these are not for sale in the stores yet.  So no.  No thanks.

3. the little baggy of animal crackers.  Seriously?  Are you retarded?  You figured you'd get a couple of boxes of animal crackers and grab a handful with your potentially fecal coliform hands and put them in a bag with a few other small candies?  Seriously, if you didn't have enough money to buy halloween crap to hand out, it's OKAY if you joined the other million OCTOGENARIANS on my street and just turned the lights off and pretended you weren't home.

4. These things:

I hate these things.  They SUCK.  They're impossible to chew, and they taste gross, you can NEVER get all the paper off, and the only person who has  EVER liked them is everyone's  DAD.  GIVE THEM TO DAD, HE ACTUALLY LIKES THEM.

Things started to get bad though, because I could feel those old feelings coming over me.  There was a tranced out moment with me on the floor next to Ella getting down to business with her discarded Lick-M-Aid.  What's not to like?  It's a candy STICK that you DIP IN to FAIRYLAND sugar!


And because the day was already shot to hell, I concluded with the last third of a bag of Doritos, because hell, why not?

So you see, people?  Do you SEE why sugar is BAD, BAD, BAAAAAAD!?!?  Nevermind cavities and how FREAKING TERRIFYING THE DENTIST IS, it's terribly, horribly addictive and it totally, totally f*cks up your body when you're mere months away from the

BIG  4-0

Must find carrot sticks....


  1. You're the BIBLE THUMPER of candy.

    What I find interesting is that while we grew up in a house FULL OF TREATS... I was at my absolute SKINNIEST! As soon as I moved out the pounds started coming on. (Partially due to having kids) but still!

    I'm not a sugar nazi... I'm a sugar addict. But I like healthy too. I like it all. If it requires eating, I'll MOST likely LIKE it.

    My favourite thing to say in a case like this is as followed: Don't worry... one day we'll be dead and we'll never have sugar AGAIN! Or anything for that matter! haha!!!!

    P.S. The bags of animal crackers is majour stupid. Why do I picture some dude (or gal) running a hand under a running nose and then filling the next bag. *shudder*

  2. I had several comments to make - then I got to the end of the post and forgot everything because...Mini candy canes? Waaaa? And please, don't get me started on the baggy of animal crackers. Ew. Yuck. Gross. Just what you always wanted, right? Germ infested animal crackers.

    Don't feel bad about the candy binge. It happens to the best of us.

  3. i never buy candy because i adore it & can't say no when it's in my house. i'm a total junkie, lacking self-control & getting twitchy for my next fix when i'm on the stuff.
    i would have pitched out the same stuff as you. and confiscated a few mini candy bars to shove down my gullet at the soonest opportunity.
    it's okay, you can get back on the wagon tomorrow.

  4. I bought candy on Thursday for trick or treaters. By Sunday I had to replenish what I had bought and EATEN! Damn Kit Kats and Twizzlers got the best of me! I couldn't help myself! And sugar cookies with icing I can never, ever turn down! Major weakness for me!I do think I will be trying one of your cocktails! I think it might go really well with a Kit Kat! :)

  5. This entry kinda kills the vibe of your previous Hallowe'en entry.

    Does anyone make that Thrills gum anymore, or did the province pass a law against it back in the nineties?

  6. And remember instead of chips, I would bring boxes of sugary cereals to your house for parties? Or boxes of Vachon Flaky's (that I would pronounce, 'Flakkies')? I'm sorry I contributed to your addiction.

  7. Dear Anonymous sister,
    I am INDEED a psycho about sugar. OH yes, you do not exaggerate. But we talked about this metabolism thing, and how it's just much, much faster in youth. Plus, a woman's body tends to want to hold onto fat once it's had babies, during the child-bearing years.

    Oh, and I agree with you that one day we'll be MORTE and all this effort will be for nought, BUT
    but, if I eat sugar and junk on a regular basis I just don't feel good. So, I can eat what the hell I want, have giant pants and feel like a bag of shit, or I can cry over the sugar I'm missing, and feel decent.

    Blah. Excuse me while I go eat 7 multigrain crackers now.

  8. I think what sucked about the candy binge, Vesta, is that it came RIGHT IN THE MIDST of some ROCK SOLID willpower. Damn, that's why I don't buy that stuff.

    Glad you agree with me about the animal crackers :)

  9. Sherilin, you have said exactly what I think: I can't buy that stuff because I would EAT AND EAT AND EAT until it's gone. Why, tonight, because I'm still having junk withdrawal I was at wal of evil getting groceries and Twizzlers were on sale. I cried for a few minutes and moved on.

  10. the cocktail DID go well with the kitkat, Heather!!! Yeah, woman, I feel you. That is why we bought the junk on SUNDAY. Mini chocolate bars ahead of time? Ppppfft...impossible. Just impossible.

    p.s. I LURV twizzlers.

  11. Matt, I need to add Thrills gum to my list of bygone candies. I don't know if they still make it...but if they do, does it still taste like SOAP????

    Yes, there was a definite change in tone. It was probably due to all the self-disgust. Hee hee.

  12. Matt, that's a fun memory! You were so crazy buying cereal to snack on. I don't remember you calling them "Flakkies" but luckily Flakkies was my least favourite of the vachon treats back then. It was another treat I could piss and moan about: "ew, not flaaakieeees!"

  13. They do suck. And yes, I feel the same way today.

  14. My teeth were aching just reading about all that candy. Yep, my Mom's house was the same way and actually still is. Whenever I visit, I go straight to her junk cabinet. I even step over my own children just to get there.
    You're very funny. So much so that I gave you a Shout-out on my post the other day. But did you visit me? Hmmm?
    Your Friend, m.

  15. Mark my love, I never fail to visit you. So I'm wondering what the hell happened that I haven't been over yet....
    Well damn, I'm heading over RIGHT NOW!

    You too are hilarious. You step over your own kids to get to the junk cupboard! HA HA HA! Sigh. Do you keep your house the same way???

  16. We totally took a whole bunch of E's candy that looked "suspicious"...aka chocolate that mommy and daddy needed!

  17. Soab! It happened again! Where OH where did my comment go?
    as I was saying...I remember going over to your house to take Woody out for a peeand or to feed him when your parents would be away and your mom would always leave me a thank you note with a chocolate bar! :)
    I am a junk food junkie...i am truly addicted! If it is in the house...i can not rest until it is all will call my name and haunt me until I eat it can only guess teh will power right now not to eat my kids candy!

  18. Steph, how come it keeps eating your comments? I haven't had anyone else tell me this yet, so hopefully it's not happening all the time, because I've heard other bloggers lament their comment problems.

    Anyhoo, yes, that's why in a nutshell I can't buy the stuff: I would eat it and it would haunt me until it was gone. I too am staying away from the kids' candy, but they only have a small amount, which would make it even worse if I ate some.

    That's a cute story about my Mom. Thanks!

  19. That's what days like Halloween are FOR -- to get loaded like a crackhead on candy! (Even if we hate it every other day of the year)

  20. Dr. Cynicism, you have given me an optimistic way to view my Halloween hedonism now. This doesn't work so shamelessly for the TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS somehow though...

  21. I inhaled not only a giant cinnamon roll in about 3.2 seconds, but also several of the mini candies we kept to ourselves instead of handing out to the neighborhood kids. Because screw them, I NEED A TWIX BAR.

    I'll meet you by the carrots.

  22. Sue, I love Twix bars too. I just printed out this insane looking recipe for Twix cheesecake pie. This was a feature online that helped people (**) use up all those extra halloween treats that apparently just roll around forever.

    If you'd like the recipe, just let me know :)

  23. Twix cheesecake? I'll be right over.

  24. Oh yes, Matt, I can barely even say it out loud--I love cheesecake just that much.

    here is the link:

  25. crystal meth jokes... so hot right now.

  26. LOL J.! They do seem more "au courant" don't they. Thanks, "Intervention"!

  27. my daughters halloween candy are these lechorous leviathans of lameness

    Hope you had a good Halloween

  28. so Lance....does that mean you can RESIST the halloween candy? Nice alliteration by the way.

    Halloween was decent! Hope yours was.


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