|Isn't this great? Yeah, it's really great. There's not a single maniac child in here.|
However, we could use some drinks. Why doesn't a beer cart ever come around???
I've returned my friends!
I've survived a day and a half of WORK at the local SUPER DUPER WATER PARK INN.
Because, let's face it--it's work. You can call it a vacation. You can call it a break. You can even trick yourself into thinking it's a nice little diversion. But, you will be swimming ALL DAY. You will be swimming until your fingers are wrinkly and all the moisture has leeched out of your body. You will be swimming until you are so completely STARVING, a crappy, reheated, frozen, over-priced, ripoff meat patty they pass off as a burger will taste DELICIOUS. You will be swimming until you are nearly SOBBING. You will be walking around in that ugly MOM BATHING SUIT until you can no longer stand it.
When we checked in, the children decided they no longer had ANY patience. Zero, ie; NONE. In the time it took to simply put on our bathing suits, they actually lost their minds.
OH! And here's something fun! There was a FLY in our room! See, it's NOVEMBER, and it's REALLY COLD OUTSIDE, but that's okay. Somehow a fly got in OUR room. So what? you ask. Well let me tell you a little something: Jack has a fear of flies so deep, so irrational, so completely over the top, that a little house fly might as well have looked like this:
Somehow I don't think "PANIC" is a word that quite cuts it, but if you multiply that by, oh, say, 5000, you might start to get the picture. But I killed that thing. OH yes. Make no mistake--if the choices are: living with the fly and non-stop sheer fingernails-on-chalkboard panic, or taking the time to whack that f*cker with your kid's sandal, you're going to make it happen.
So, the waterpark. My sister loves waterparks. My brother-in-law loves waterparks. The kids love waterparks. I think The Man loves waterparks. I do NOT love waterparks. Surprised?
After many hours of little weiners splashing me, knocking into me, nearly tripping me up like human/cat hybrids, I nearly lost it. I was in the wave pool and these little jerks were having a splash fight game. The whole time we were in there. I know--it makes no sense to be annoyed by splashing at a water park. But, when that water is constantly spritzing in my eyeballs, I tend to forget this. As I was trying to exit the pool, and the little idiots (with no parents apparently, or maybe their parents were enjoying the beer hut. Lucky a$$holes) splashed me that last time, I yelled QUIT IT!! at them, and came THIS close to saying:
QUIT IT YOU LITTLE BASTARDS
The words were RIGHT THERE. Right there on my tongue. Somehow I managed to reign myself in, because I think I would have crossed some lines of propriety.
Here's another fun thing! As you walk around the park, water is splashing everywhere, and you're nearly deafened by the sound of churning water, there are spots up above you, where little bastards can have a fine time of waiting till that unsuspecting person walks under, and then use that moment to pull the cord and let that bucked FULL of water tip over onto the surprised person below.
This happened to me a few times. Live and learn? Apparently not. However, the last time was special, because the force and volume of water falling on me was great enough to completely wash one side of my bathing suit clean off my left hoot. I didn't look down to comfirm how much bare booby action was happening--because I was mortified--but I think I made some little jerk's day. Mental wringing of necks.
That first evening, back in our room, I started to fantasize about and yearn for MY KIND OF VACATION. Maybe it was the stuffy hotness of the room. Maybe it was the deafening fan that WHOMPED on every five minutes all night, making it impossible to have an unbroken night's sleep (and no, you couldn't turn the room heater off, alas). Maybe it was the $8 plastic cup of Coors Lite The Man had bought for me after I begged him to track down some alcohol in the joint.
Whatever it was, I started thinking of a magical place. It's a place where two grownups go to share a room. They spend the day on a long NATURE WALK in the crisp outdoors, in the woods. Then they return to their room and just read a freaking book by the fire place. Then they go out for a really nice dinner that doesn't come with FRIES ON THE SIDE, but instead comes with a glass of CABERNET SAUVIGNON. Then after that really freaking great dinner, they go see a play or something, and then return to the hot tub in their room with cocktails within reach.
The important thing (I suppose) is that the kids had a really good time, even if I do hate water slides and being ripped off at every turn. The best part of the little trip for me? The outdoor hot tub! BOO YAH THAT WAS FREAKING AWESOME. Sitting outside in the frosty air in the steamy warm water....aaaah....
I still don't know why they didn't have a beer cart though.