Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Saturday, November 19, 2011

More Adult Hot Tubs And Beer Needed

Isn't this great?  Yeah, it's really great.  There's not a single maniac child in here.
However, we could use some drinks.  Why doesn't a beer cart ever come around???

I've returned my friends!

I've survived a day and a half of WORK at the local SUPER DUPER WATER PARK INN.

Because, let's face it--it's work.  You can call it a vacation.  You can call it a break.  You can even trick yourself into thinking it's a nice little diversion.  But, you will be swimming ALL DAY.  You will be swimming until your fingers are wrinkly and all the moisture has leeched out of your body.  You will be swimming until you are so completely STARVING, a crappy, reheated, frozen, over-priced, ripoff meat patty they pass off as a burger will taste DELICIOUS.  You will be swimming until you are nearly SOBBING.  You will be walking around in that ugly MOM BATHING SUIT until you can no longer stand it.

When we checked in, the children decided they no longer had ANY patience.  Zero, ie; NONE.  In the time it took to simply put on our bathing suits, they actually lost their minds.

OH!  And here's something fun!  There was a FLY in our room!  See, it's NOVEMBER, and it's REALLY COLD OUTSIDE, but that's okay.  Somehow a fly got in OUR room. So what?  you ask.  Well let me tell you a little something:  Jack has a fear of flies so deep, so irrational, so completely over the top, that a little house fly might as well have looked like this:

Somehow I don't think "PANIC" is a word that quite cuts it, but if you multiply that by, oh, say, 5000, you might start to get the picture.  But I killed that thing.  OH yes.  Make no mistake--if the choices are:  living with the fly and non-stop sheer fingernails-on-chalkboard panic, or taking the time to whack that f*cker with your kid's sandal, you're going to make it happen.

So, the waterpark.  My sister loves waterparks.  My brother-in-law loves waterparks.  The kids love waterparks.  I think The Man loves waterparks.  I do NOT love waterparks.  Surprised?

After many hours of little weiners splashing me, knocking into me, nearly tripping me up like human/cat hybrids, I nearly lost it.  I was in the wave pool and these little jerks were having a splash fight game.  The whole time we were in there.  I know--it makes no sense to be annoyed by splashing at a water park.  But, when that water is constantly spritzing in my eyeballs, I tend to forget this.  As I was trying to exit the pool, and the little idiots (with no parents apparently, or maybe their parents were enjoying the beer hut.  Lucky a$$holes) splashed me that last time, I yelled QUIT IT!! at them, and came THIS close to saying:


The words were RIGHT THERE.  Right there on my tongue.  Somehow I managed to reign myself in, because I think I would have crossed some lines of propriety.

Here's another fun thing!  As you walk around the park, water is splashing everywhere, and you're nearly deafened by the sound of churning water, there are spots up above you, where little bastards can have a fine time of waiting till that unsuspecting person walks under, and then use that moment to pull the cord and let that bucked FULL of water tip over onto the surprised person below.

This happened to me a few times.  Live and learn?  Apparently not.  However, the last time was special, because the force and volume of water falling on me was great enough to completely wash one side of my bathing suit clean off my left hoot.  I didn't look down to comfirm how much bare booby action was happening--because I was mortified--but I think I made some little jerk's day.  Mental wringing of necks.

That first evening, back in our room, I started to fantasize about and yearn for MY KIND OF VACATION.  Maybe it was the stuffy hotness of the room.  Maybe it was the deafening fan that WHOMPED on every five minutes all night, making it impossible to have an unbroken night's sleep (and no, you couldn't turn the room heater off, alas).  Maybe it was the $8 plastic cup of Coors Lite The Man had bought for me after I begged him to track down some alcohol in the joint.

Whatever it was, I started thinking of a magical place.  It's a place where two grownups go to share a room.  They spend the day on a long NATURE WALK in the crisp outdoors, in the woods.  Then they return to their room and just read a freaking book by the fire place.  Then they go out for a really nice dinner that doesn't come with FRIES ON THE SIDE, but instead comes with a glass of CABERNET SAUVIGNON.  Then after that really freaking great dinner, they go see a play or something, and then return to the hot tub in their room with cocktails within reach.


The important thing (I suppose) is that the kids had a really good time, even if I do hate water slides and being ripped off at every turn.  The best part of the little trip for me?  The outdoor hot tub!  BOO YAH THAT WAS FREAKING AWESOME.  Sitting outside in the frosty air in the steamy warm water....aaaah....

I still don't know why they didn't have a beer cart though.

Oh well.


  1. Some water parks need something stronger than beer. Your story needs a bar area in one of the pools, with some hard liquor.

    Oh, and the fly thing? That's my little brother. So I made him sit down with me and watch the movie "The Fly."

    ...he doesn't speak to me now...

  2. One loves the thought of the beer hut!

  3. kar kar, can we go on your dream vacation together? you didn't mention sex in your fantasy, so i think i'd do nicely for company beside the fire or at a play. hell, if you really need a man, i could just put on a tie and eyeliner up a beard for you.
    can we stay for at least 3 days? long enough to actually feel like we've really enjoyed something special. to forget about our lives however briefly. maybe even the phantom "mommys" would stop ringing in our ears by then.

  4. 2 spring breaks in a row we spent FIVE days at one of these places. My dream is a bit different... in my dream my vertically challenged child reaches 48 inches tall. Why 48"??? Because that is the magical height when he can ride water slides by himself. Then his big brother can walk the 1000 flights of stairs for the hundredth time and I can sit in a lounge chair.

  5. See the only problem with the fantasy part is my husband would totally want to sex it up and I'd want to go to sleep. Then we'd sex it up first and THEN go to sleep not having done a nature walk or dinner. Sigh.

    Did you kill the fly? I know you did.

  6. L.i.I., I could weep at the beautiful imagery you just provided...a bar area...sniff!! SNIFF!!!

    Ew, I could never watch The Fly. Too much spitting out acidic material onto people. Horror!

  7. yeah, you're right Sherilinnie, I didn't mention sex. After all, I'm not in my 20's any longer. Har har har. So, we are GOOD TO GO! You can save the mascara beard...for now :) 3 days will be perfect. That's a MINIMUM number, right?

  8. Lisa, that's both hilarious and heart-breaking all at the same time. My god, woman--how did you survive FIVE days of that? Did you drop at least 2 dress sizes? IT'S WORK PEOPLE, NOTHING BUT WORK.

  9. nuts to husbands, Lizbeth. Sleep is the new sex. Damn straight I killed that fly. I watched it like a cat when it landed on the sink counter and WHACKED IT with Jack's sandal.

  10. at least you got the fly.
    and i like to say that i'm great in bed.... i can sleep for days!

  11. Laughed my ass off at you bearing your left hoot! I know you were in all kinds of child-related, family vacay related, not-a-second-to-yourself related agony, but damn this was a hilarious post!

  12. Swim up to bars like they have at the resorts are necessary. Glad to hear you had a great vaca for the kids. I have not made it to this mentioned spot yet, although I think it is on the husbands list for next year. I will make sure to bring IN my own drinks.

  13. I really hate to be a voice of caution, but . . . I got the first of a vicious series of UTIs in, yes, a motel hot tub that steamed under the stars. So if you get to feeling tired and lackluster, even if you don't have the usual bladder infection symptoms, get your doctor to let you pee in a cup. Word is those places breed an especially virulent e-coli. I know. Next they'll be telling you champagne makes you fat.

  14. OH YES SHERILIN, TALK DIRTY TO ME! Tell me again how long you can sleep! Aaaah....sleep...

  15. thanks Sandra, I can see the funny in it too, if I step outside of myself and replay the reel. Otherwise, it fairly sucko :)

  16. yeah Alaina, why the hell don't they have swim-up bars? It's because we're too uptight in North America! I mean, in Mexico and the Dominican, there are kids all over the place, but does this stop any grownups from getting ripped? Absolutely not!

  17. Jeanne, my father once told me how long a herpes virus can survive in a hot tub. I have since forgotten how long that is. 10 minutes of no kids leaping into me may have been worth the risk!

  18. Sex does not happen in a hotel room with children alongside in the next bed.

    Well at least your flu happened before your vacation. Could you imagine, having barf floating in the pool, hot tub or water park?

  19. that's EXACTLY what I thought of Melissa: I did NOT want to be the one to shut the pool down for the next three hours while they cleaned the sick out of it.

  20. I don't like hot tubs or nature, but I will join you on your vacation, o.k.?

    I have never had to go to the water park, thank god. The girl has always gone with other suckers - I mean friends.

    Glad you survived.

  21. Oh boy, I have to tell you, I hate water parks equally as much as you do I think. All I can think about is millions of germs and pee and ugh. Public swimming is so not my favorite. HOWEVER, I could live happily ever after at your kind of vacation.

  22. Sue, you lucky woman. I look forward to the day the kids are old enough for these things and by god I'll be at the bar the whole time with a book.

  23. yeah, germs is right, Jessica! I never stuck my head underwater once while I was there. No thanks. I don't care how much chlorine they pump into those places. No thanks.

  24. jessica B said, "Public swimming is so not my favorite." but what i read was that PUBIC swimming wasn't her favorite. and that led to a whole different kind of giggle for me.

  25. I am familiar with that place - the indoor/outdoor hottub is truly special.

  26. yeah Matt! That place was designed by grownups FOR grownups!

  27. I love your blog, and the name! I couldn't find your "contact me" button! Ive been saying "lurv" for years now, haha. I happened upon you when I was looking for mommy blogs and mommy product reviews. I am a SAHM and I just started a website marketing toys and therapy products to kids with special needs and autism, as well as offering sage advice and free resources to parents and caregivers. Many of our products, while not especially made for special needs children, fit that market quite well. There is something on our site for every child. A portion of proceeds go to special needs programs and autism research. Our goal is to empower parents and caregivers and create awareness, while allowing me personally the financial ability to be able to stay at home to help my own 6 year old son, who has PDD-NOS, a form of autism. Come and visit our site, would love to have your endorsement.

    The Sensory Spectrum Shop

  28. thank you Marybeth! I appreciate your kind words, and your stopping by. My email is listed on my profile page as how to contact me, but the comments section worked too, since I'm a feedback junkie :)

    Anyhoo, I would love to stop by your site, I just have to remember! I will write that down.


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