What you've just heard is the sound of me TRYING to unplug my nostril. It's making me MENTAL. I am SO STUFFED UP I'm going to go up and beat the sh*t out of something just to take my mind off my UNBELIEVABLY CLOGGED HEAD.
No, ha ha, violence is NEVER the answer.
See, nobody is home. The MAN is not home. The kids are both at school. I should have been happily clacking away on my computer here, coming up with something that makes even ME snort beverages out my nose. But I can't. I can't even think because every time I try to breathe in without using my coffee hole, it's
I have had two colds now, nearly on top of one another. It's a COLD ORGY. The new germs met the old germs, said; WHAT UP, Y'ALL? and fired up the bong.
I should be cropping my head! This should be a whole post centered around my love of cropping my own head. You know, like this:
But I can't even think straight.
I do want to share a small, useless anecdote with you though, my friends. The other night I was in H&M. I used to LURV H&M when they first came out. Then I popped GIANT BABY ELLA out of my body, and somehow I stayed pretty much as fat. But I didn't think I was, so I'd try to buy something from H&M every now and again, and nothing would fit and I'd come out and say:
"H&M sucks now! Their clothes have gotten MUCH smaller. They're stupid. I hate them now."
Heh heh heh..
Anyhoo, I want everyone to know that thanks to my overwhelming realization that I am going to be FORTY soon, I embarked on my FIT TO FORTY regime. And since I've essentially cut out most of the fun in my life, and replaced peanut butter toast with lifting weights and 6 day a week power walks and stuff, I am excited to say that I am THIS CLOSE to fitting back into those damn clothes at H&M again. SUCK ON THAT, H&M!
Okay, that's not the point of the story though, is it. The point is that while I was in there, I spotted the most succulent, scrumptious, delectable little handbag. It is hot pink satin with a giant GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES bow on the front. And seriously? It made my AREA tingle. Also, it made me go into girls-lurv-pink convulsions for a few minutes as I debated whether or not I should fork out the twenty bucks on it. After all, what I really needed were long sleeved shirts.
OMG, people. Set up an appointment with me to come over and pet my new handbag.
So, I decided I couldn't live without it, naturally, and when I brought it up to the counter to pay, I said to the girl working there:
"this bag is RIGHT ON!!!"
Then she leaned over and said;
And I said; "uh, this bag is right on?"
She looked perplexed for a moment and then she translated my outdated expression, apparently, and the light of understanding finally flashed behind her 20-something-year-old eyes:
"Oh yes, it's a great colour, isn't it."
Holy f*ck. Seriously, am I THAT uncool now? Am I THAT old? Do the gorgeous 20 somethings of today who have fabulous cowlick-free hair, and a tatttoo above their wrists, and a really fantastic outfit not know what 'RIGHT ON' means?
If I'd walked up to the counter and said; "HEY BUH-BABY!" would that also have flown right over her head?
So I'm not hip. I'm not down. Whatevs.
I totally don't know what I was talking about in the first place. OH yes! My nose! It's going to be a long, long winter, people. Just take comfort knowing this:
SCORCHING HOT PINK is the new red!