Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Friday, November 25, 2011

My Super Clogged Nose Is Killing My Thought Thingy




What you've just heard is the sound of me TRYING to unplug my nostril.  It's making me MENTAL.  I am SO STUFFED UP I'm going to go up and beat the sh*t out of something just to take my mind off my UNBELIEVABLY CLOGGED HEAD.

No, ha ha, violence is NEVER the answer.

It's annoying.

See, nobody is home.  The MAN is not home. The kids are both at school. I should have been happily clacking away on my computer here, coming up with something that makes even ME snort beverages out my nose.  But I can't.  I can't even think because every time I try to breathe in without using my coffee hole, it's


I have had two colds now, nearly on top of one another.  It's a COLD ORGY.  The new germs met the old germs, said; WHAT UP, Y'ALL? and fired up the bong.

I should be cropping my head!  This should be a whole post centered around my love of cropping my own head.  You know, like this:

Useless citizen:  Wonder karen: we NEED your help!  The Bank on Fifth Street has JUST been robbed!
Wonder karen:  "OH MY GOD!"
Useless citizen:  "Yes! It's TERRIBLE!"
Wonder karen:  "LOOK AT ME!"
Useless citizen:  "Um, I beg your pardon?"

See, there should have been a whole post with that kind of whimsy in it, because that's what's IMPORTANT on a Friday.

But I can't even think straight.

I do want to share a small, useless anecdote with you though, my friends.  The other night I was in H&M.  I used to LURV H&M when they first came out.  Then I popped GIANT BABY ELLA out of my body, and somehow I stayed pretty much as fat.  But I didn't think I was, so I'd try to buy something from H&M every now and again, and nothing would fit and I'd come out and say:

"H&M sucks now!  Their clothes have gotten MUCH smaller.  They're stupid.  I hate them now."

Heh heh heh..

Anyhoo, I want everyone to know that thanks to my overwhelming realization that I am going to be FORTY soon, I embarked on my FIT TO FORTY regime.  And since I've essentially cut out most of the fun in my life, and replaced peanut butter toast with lifting weights and 6 day a week power walks and stuff, I am excited to say that I am THIS CLOSE to fitting back into those damn clothes at H&M again.  SUCK ON THAT, H&M!

Okay, that's not the point of the story though, is it.  The point is that while I was in there, I spotted the most succulent, scrumptious, delectable little handbag.  It is hot pink satin with a giant GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES bow on the front.  And seriously?  It made my AREA tingle.  Also, it made me go into girls-lurv-pink convulsions for a few minutes as I debated whether or not I should fork out the twenty bucks on it.  After all, what I really needed were long sleeved shirts.

OMG, people.  Set up an appointment with me to come over and pet my new handbag.

So, I decided I couldn't live without it, naturally, and when I brought it up to the counter to pay, I said to the girl working there:

"this bag is RIGHT ON!!!"

Then she leaned over and said;

"I'm sorry?"

And I said; "uh, this bag is right on?"

She looked perplexed for a moment and then she translated my outdated expression, apparently, and the light of understanding finally flashed behind her 20-something-year-old eyes:

"Oh yes, it's a great colour, isn't it."

Holy f*ck.  Seriously, am I THAT uncool now?  Am I THAT old?  Do the gorgeous 20 somethings of today who have fabulous cowlick-free hair, and a tatttoo above their wrists, and a really fantastic outfit not know what 'RIGHT ON' means?

If I'd walked up to the counter and said; "HEY BUH-BABY!"  would that also have flown right over her head?

So I'm not hip.  I'm not down.  Whatevs.

I totally don't know what I was talking about in the first place.  OH yes!  My nose!  It's going to be a long, long winter, people.  Just take comfort knowing this:

SCORCHING HOT PINK is the new red!


    is that too uncool - ?
    I hope you bought the pinky purse, and will feature on here shortly - the snotty nose, well - if it's what plowed through our area at the beginning of school - get used to it - it hangs on forever (sorry, Wonder Woman).
    go you for your forty fitness - and now I have to get back on track - bless your knees, too - it's the only joint smokin' up my mojo and slowing me down in any way. We are in full blown USA Black Friday insanity - be glad you are North of the Border!

  2. i hope your snot box clears up really soon.
    and way to go on spoiling yourself with that $20 purse. even if your lingo is uncool, you're going to be looking fine!

  3. Your tits rock! And believe me, I don't say that to every woman I meet.
    I hope you can breathe soon.

  4. I didn't know that germs fire up bongs in your head. I learn something new with every entry.

  5. Blocked nose always gives me panic attacks! Then I remember to open my mouth and all is ok in the world, until I forget, and close my mouth again. How did I evolve this way? I do not approve, Evolution: surely you can do better than this ridiculous sinus cavity!

    In short, I am sorry your nose is blocked and FUCK YEAH A SUPER CUTE NEW PURSE, I APPROVE!

    Sarah xxx

  6. ohhh.i love me a new purse,they are awsome'cause they always fit!fit and forty,well i have been doing weight watchers online for a couple of weeks and am down almost 10 pounds boo ya!!!unfortunately i am not even close to being close, to fitting into h&m stuff, oh well.

  7. This is going to sound crazy but if I have a stuffy nose I get in a really hot shower and brush my teeth while I am in there. It helps loosen everything up, I can get the crud blown out of my nose and I get some relief for a while.

  8. You did absolutely the right thing in buying the purse. The salesgirl was probably just astonished that someone so old was actually on her feet, and could speak. :)

  9. I think it's PERFECTLY COOL, Christina. Oh I know these colds hold on forever because I get EVERY SINGLE ONE. Oh wait...maybe I skip ONE.

    Yeah, but the black Friday thing sounds so exciting from up here!

  10. yeah, I'm trying Sherilin, and some days it KILLS ME, and other days, meh, who cares about snacks?

    I've had to sleep for two nights with a kleenex plug in each nostril. I saved that piece of info just for vous.

  11. Mark. Please show some respect. What you should have said was that my WONDER tits rock.
    Thank you.

  12. Yeah, they're having a regular party, Matt. One virus said to the next how nice this was because normally they don't get together.

  13. Sarah, if anyone was going to approve of a supersexhotpink purse, it would be you. Xoxo.

    Sinuses are stupid. So, so stupid, and completely inefficient.

  14. eff H&M, Paula, that's AWESOME. I figure it this way: 10 pounds off a woman is like a man's 20 pound loss. It's twice as hard for the woman to get rid of that weight. Good for you! FIT TO FORTY! FIT TO FORTY! And lots of frivolous bow covered things along the way!

  15. Melissa, but what if you have no shower? Can you brush your teeth in the bath!?! WAAAAAAA! WE HAVE NO SHOWER! Oh well, it is a nice old clawfoot tub. Good enough. Liked the tip though.

  16. JEANNE! I don't know if that made me feel better or not, but it did make me laugh. But I agree: when I was 20 something, I thought the 30 somethings were ew and so uncool and OLD.

    Stupid young karen.

  17. oh it is a sad sad day, when, we realize that we are not hip anymore. I have had teen age girls reminding me of that forever and it is quite the shock.

    It is sad when we realize we are not the up and coming generation. There is a preschool across the street from me, as I was raking leaves I was watching all the young moms bring out the toddlers...and I realized, I was in a whole new category!!!!!

    EMPTY nester at 45!!! So I am no longer hip, and no longer a young mother!

    Life goes way too fast.

  18. Stuffed nose + Noone else around = Tissues shoved up each nostril, and just walking around like that.

    Just sayin.... sexy mental image, isn't it?

  19. Melissa, that is all very true. And that is why I'm panicking as I slide my way into forty. Time to stop fucking around!!!

    Actually, isn't it kinda good that you're only 45 and you're kids are old enough for you to still do stuff? I mean, if I'd had my kids in my 20's, I'd be a RIGHT ON young mom right now!

  20. what would make it sexier, LinI is if I walk around with a very sexy cocktail in my hand AND the nose plugs. Oh yes, you want a piece of that.

  21. whoa, being an emptynester at 45 sounds way too early, but if brooke leaves me when she's 18, that'll be me. dang. i didn't feel like i was so young when i had her (27) but since i only had the one, once she leaves me, that's it. there's no one to take her place. it's hard to even think what i might do with myself then.
    tissues crammed up the nostrils in bed? sounds gorgeous, daahhhling. i'm sure your manimal had a hard time keeping his paws off you.

  22. Wonderwoman was my first boyhood secret crush. (Me and 1.4 million other 11 year olds.)

  23. Sherilin, with the vibe I was putting out while my head was super crammed, I might as well have had an electric fence around me, har har har.

    Yeah...I had Jack at 32, so if I'm ever an empty nester it won't be till my bladder falls out for good :)

  24. well geez, dbs: LOOK AT HER! No wonder! I loved that stupid show though.

  25. In the end I think we all want to be remembered for how we look on the inside rather than the outside.

  26. Screw that Laoch! No, ha ha, just kidding. That's always been my greater goal anyway--health and kindness :)

  27. Is this one of those serious posts you're always wishing I had stopped by to read?

    Out of sight.

  28. "It made my area tingle" This is why I love you!

  29. Richard: hrm...maybe I'd better just come to your blog from now on. Unless you dig this whole irreverent GIRLS BEHAVING BADLY vibe I'm pumping out.

  30. And I love you, Paula, because you loved IT.


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