Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Out of the Vomitous Pit

Oh man, what a week.

Okay, here's how it goes in my world:  today is the day we have a mini vacation planned.  As soon as the kids finish school we're off to a local hotel/waterpark/cavalcade of whimsy.  We've had it booked for a while now.  The kids are ridiculously excited.

Then Tuesday:  3:30 AM, a mere TWO DAYS before the much anticipated getaway:  Jack starts hurling.

You've been there, right?  First comes the WAIL and then the hurking sounds.  I was 3/4 of the way up the stairs before I was even fully awake.  I'm pretty sure that that is one of the best ways to have a heart attack.

Then I turned into the Terminator, and even as I was helping Jack, I was noting ALL THE SPOTS OF INFESTATION:  barf on the bathroom floor, barf in the tub, smudge of hurl on the pink towel.  Check, check, and check.

Then I got the boy back to bed and his room was still dim so he said; "MOM, DON'T STEP IN THE BARF!"


Do you ever find that a circle of barf on the floor is so unbelievable, so surreal, so incomprehensibly horrifying that you actually have to STARE at it for a bit?  It's so shocking, so unbelievably ugly.  Like, it's the worst thing you could imagine but still your brain couldn't even conjure up something so disgusting.  And there you are actually SCRUTINIZING it and you don't want to, but then later you can call someone up and say;

"yeah, and it was funny because Jack's barf looked like one of those fake novelty barfs.  You know--all kind of shaped like a circle and brown/puce, but really chintzy with the fake chunks?  Well that's how his was!  There were a few cubes of cheddar cheese in it and oh man--a LOT of raisins!"

I've lived this before.  In grade 1, or was it 2...someone hurked on the carpet during story time and I couldn't stop looking at it.  I KNEW that that kid had eaten Campbell's alphabet soup.  There were the letters, and there were the cubes of carrots and potatoes.

OH, what?  You're MAD at me now?  TOO MUCH INFORMATION?  Okay, yeah.  Like you didn't feel compelled to stare at a pile of yark yourself.

Another reason you can't stop staring at it?  Because it's putting off the worst part:  CLEANING IT.

And I'm done talking about that.  But maybe you can feel sorry for me, all hunched over, jammy shirt pulled up bandito-style over my nose and mouth, and secured at the back with a butterfly clip.

So then at about 5 in the morning, Ella comes marching downstairs.


And then she's in it to win it too.

Oh!  Wait! I forgot to mention that The Man was away on a business trip!  Hats off to you, single parents.  HATS OFF TO YOU.

Because why?  Because I'm SPOILED, that's why.  Who cleans up barf and cat hair balls and cat yark ropes on the floor?  THE MAN.  Sniff!  Now I lurv him even more.

So yeah, you've lived that day. You've stumbled around from horking child to horking child in your own sweaty jammies, with your grimy hair pulled back messily into an elastic band.  You haven't even washed your FACE for crap's sake.  At best you just loaded on more deodorant because you were ON CALL ALL DAY.

We have to talk about something now.  I hate the stomach flu, or gastroenteritis, or Norovirus or Rotavirus, or whatever the F*CK you want to call it.  No, don't say; DUH, WHO LIKES IT?  Yes, everyone hates it.  I believe I hate it just a little bit more.  In fact, I fear it.  I'm so afraid of puking that I have turned into the most anal freak possible.

Do you know who my best friend is now?  BLEACH.  Yeah, I love bleach. The house has smelled like an indoor swimming pool for two solid days and that, my friends, is because I am a WINNER.  Yeah, that's right.  You name it, I bleached it:

fridge door
freezer door
tv remotes
stereo remotes
stair rails
Jack's drawing pens
Jack's crayon nubs
computer monitor
computer mouse
various bedroom furnishings

I'm sure there's more but I can't think of it.

I kept a bucket with a rag, a rubber glove and some bleach water in the bathroom and it's still there.  Every time the kids use the sink or tub or toilet, I BLEACH.

Yesterday I said cheerily (they were feeling better):  "WHAT'S THE THEME FOR THE DAY, CHILDREN?"

Children (totally sick of me and bored):  "wash your hands."


Because F*CK THAT SHIZZ.  I'm not getting sick.  I'm beating the odds.  I even ran my bleach rag over the couch as soon as the kids went to bed after that day of throwing up.  My sister asked "but what if that ruined the fabric of the couch???"

Me: "So be it."

Because I'm a winner people.  And anybody who says there's no way to avoid the stomach flu?  Well, they're not running around washing EVERYTHING the kids have worn, slept on, or lounged under, and they're using some bullsh*t LYSOL product and NOT bleach.

So what's it gonna be people?  The next time your kid starts spewing, are you going to be a loser, or are you going to be a WINNER?



  1. PAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh god....WAY too much info. But, it makes my dog's diarrhea on our 3-day-old carpet yesterda look like a mere crumb to be vacuumed up easily. Yuck!

  2. aw, i was with you right up til the end when you said that anyone who's not using bleach is a loser. because i was battling the flu while my man was away this week too & i lysoled everyfrigginthing in the house all week while boiling all fabrics that were removable and i haven't gotten it either. so i think that counts me for a win too.
    i think that vomit puddled in the carpet is one of the worst imaginable things to encounter when you know that you're the one who will have to pull the chunks out of the rug & somehow attempt to get the vileness and odor out of that damn rug. sometimes i throw up myself while cleaning up one of those.

  3. OMG, we were separated at birth. I actually waited 6 years before having kids and the reason??? PUKE. Plain and simple. I fear it with the fear of 1,000 cobra's and I'd still rather be in a snake pit than with puking kids. Thing is, I'm so scared I'm going to get it....

    It's going around now like a bad VD and I'm scared to death I'm going to wake up with a kid barfing on me. And we have a trip coming up. Accckkk!!!!

  4. Oh! 3 day old carpet, you say, Maria? Well, perhaps you have a bit of the special luck that I have too! Diarrhea's up there too. Hug yourself for that because it IS.

  5. Sherilin, I was right there with you with the Lysol disinfectant. And yes, it is effective if it's a bacterial problem, or some of the lesser stomach viruses. However, I once read that the Norovirus (used to be called the Norwalk Virus) can ONLY be killed with BLEACH. I was horrified when I read that, and I miss that lysol, but I take no chances.

    Yeah, I rolled up the area rug in the living room while they were sick and moved that thing to the SIDE. That's one good thing about having hardly any carpet now!!!!!

  6. Yes Lizbeth!! Me too! So, so afraid I'm going to get it!!!

    Now's the time to super-dose yourself on vitamin d, echinacea and HAND SANITIZER. I'm not a super friend of hand sanitizer usually, but in times like these, it's WAR, plain and simple.

  7. I hope all is well for you fun trip!! Did Beam tell you of the few little tips i sent her yesterday...bring some extra moeny...they chrage fro the lockers now in the change rooms!
    Anyhoo...I. HATE. BARF. HATE IT!
    Heres my funniest barf my brother in law was going in for surgery...i was going to watch my niece and nephew! yay! I was excited to have my kids play with them all day! So my sister and brother in law srop them niece was sleeping, so we tucked her into my sons bed...sister hadnt been gone for 10 minutes when....splat! my nephew barfed all over my living room!! ALL OVER...i called one of my friends (not Beamy...I know she HATES barf too!) to watch my kids OUTSIDE while i keep little barfing child away from them. He just kept barfing everywhere! Nightmare! So, I finally just put him in the bath tub to keep him contained when I hear screaming coming from my sons room...Yup, my sweet little niece had just barfed all over my sons room!! Yup, what a fun day...two barfing children, not even my own all day. about 4 hours alter I finally called my sister...I couldnt take it anymore..but John was JUST put into recovery. OMG! thankfully, my friend still had my kids outside, keeping them away from the germs...but I had a WHOLE house I had to BLEACH!!! then panic kicked in...why hadn tI thought of this earlier??Oh dear lord, I am totally going to catch this!! I have been hugging these kids...trying to console them! Seemed like forever, but my sister came to get her barfing kids...I got the house bleached...and 2 days son, my daughter and myself were barfing.
    good news is kids have had the stomache flu...which I have managed not to get! There is hope!
    Have fun on your mini vacation!! you are going to have a blast!!!!

  8. The soup story makes me think of the scene from "The Great Santini" where Santini feigns vomiting with a can of cream of mushroom soup and then instructs his co-horts to eat it up. This of course makes everyone else in the room start to vomit when they do eat it.


    This past week, I had a sudden onset of strange stomach pain, accompanied by nausea.

    Understand, since my arm fiasco for some weird reason, when I have physically done TOO MUCH, I start to feel nauseated, I go lay down rest and it is gone. oh, but I take a huge chunk of fresh ginger, then it is gone.

    so I do that......stomach pain gets worse and worse....then I am thinking my God I have an ULCER., NO, I have pancreaitis.

    So the next day I take myself to the DR. STILL major pain....still huge chunks of ginger......anyhow,
    I musta had the flu or something, cuz after 5 days of chunky ginger swiggin, I was still nauseated!

    I shoulda just barfed it all out and gotten over it! No way, no way in hell, I would rather have 5 days of some nausea, than barf....

    oh and that weird pain slowly made it's way all the way from the stomach all the way out the back hole somehow....hahahahha


  10. oh and just by the way, I have amemory of grade three and someone barfed in the hallway at school, and I felt so compelled to go LOOK at it before the janitor put the sawdust on it.......why he left it there stinking up the hallway for hours is a mystery to me?

  11. I seriously cried laughing reading this post. This made my day as weird as that might sound! My coworkers all think I'm crazy because I've been cracking up by myself for the last 10 minutes!

  12. Lol, only a mom could write such an extensive post on human vomit.

    I gotta lot to learn ...

  13. Nothing but sympathy. My son is usually pretty good - he rarely gets those bugs and he is pretty good at feeling it early enough that he makes it to the potty.

    But I sympathize mainly because these things happen so often when we are already stretched thin or the BIG event is coming.

    The worst was when Paula had been wiped out by the flu, and Gabe had it as well. Paula's trouble is that she can easily pass out when she has the flu - either that or she still tries to vaccuum instead of resting. The second worst time was when Paula and Gabe got the flu shot and they both had flu-like symptoms for the next 48 hours. So what if they didn't REALLY have the flu - not much difference if you are cleaning up the mess. And you need to wash and clean everything just as much.

    So, yes. LOTS of sympathy. (and prayer!)

  14. Hi sweetie - Oh, thank you for reminding me that it is not all bad, being 69 years old. Tom never throws up (I am too old for the b*rf word) and Tashi has only done it once, and that was a nice neat hairball. You are an inspiration.

  15. I am also a big fan of bleach, during the fall and winter I routinely go about my house wiping surfaces down with watered down bleach. Hope everyone is feeling better!

  16. Steph, that is a story filled with despair and sadness. I can almost FEEL your exhaustion in that story. My god, how horrible!

    Yeah, I reek of chlorine now, but the kids had a great time! I just wish I had more time for beer and adult hot tubs :(

  17. George, I don't even care if it was actually soup. If someone said to me, "this is actually soup, but let's pretend it's BARF!" it might as well be barf at that point.

  18. Melissa, whenever the stomach bug rears its ugly head, I think of you and the ginger because you are my symbol of HOPE that vomiting doesn't have to BE. I have to try that.

  19. Melissa: why did they always throw SAWDUST on it! ha ha haha! Do they still do that I wonder....

  20. well Miranda, that makes me pleased then. I hate to admit I was cracking up myself as I was clacking it up here. Still, I do amuse me at times, pathetic as that may be.
    Thanks so much for reading and joining the fun!

  21. Well let me become your TEACHER Josh, because I have a LOT to whine about! HOORAY!

    How nice that you joined us :)

  22. Thank you Matt, I appreciate both--MUCHOS. You are so right: these things DO seem to happen when you're already "stretched thin." So well put. And so funny about Paula and using the vac instead of resting.

  23. Thank you Jeanne! And ACTUALLY, SO ARE YOU! See? That deal about you guys nearly never throwing up? I'm going to hold onto that in my cold little hand forever now.

    Sniff! So much hope!

  24. Paula, I'm pleased. Clearly, you are a WINNER.

  25. Ah, the flu made it to CAnada! It's gone around here for MONTHS. It is nasty, ugly and smelly - eh?
    Go you for getting through - yes, being a single parent is the ultimate daily Olympic games - and I guess that makes me a winner : ) yay me and my bleach, laundry and relaxing bathtub when I get the chance : ) !
    Hope you don't get it - life is even WORSE when mom gets sick. . .

  26. I know I am going to laugh when I stop over here, that beats decorating anyday. I don't mind doing the barfing, but I hate cleaning it up. I think I have lysol. I am kind of a freak, I am lucky if I get sick once a year, really sick, stay in bed for a couple of days, but other than that, not so much. My kids get a cold once in a while, a cough at least once a year and the flu. I think my older son and daughter missed one day of school last year. The little guy was prone to everything last year, this year I am hoping he has more tolerance and will not get as sick.

  27. Christina! I was definitely thinking of you, woman, when I gave the shout out to single parents! Seriously, you're awesome.

    What homeopathic fun tips do you have when the vomit bug strikes???

  28. Alaina, you lucky people! That's wonderful that you all have such fab immune systems. Seriously, this is no sarcasm. I think Jack missed 9 days of school in senior kindergarten. His immune system kinda sucks. I think that's all part and parcel of spectrum kids and why they're on the spectrum, etc, but that's a whole novel of thought for a whole other time.

    Since I've been giving the kids vitamin d though, the amount and severity of illness has been cut way down!

    Good for you for not totally fearing the throw-up bug.

  29. Let me give a thumbs up to my boys. Both learned to puke in the toilet at a very early age. Now if they don't make it there, I know that they're really out of it. But before that, I remember a time of holding a feverish toddler, his bed full of puke while he screamed at the top of his lungs and refused to be put down. Trying to decide what to clean up first when he vomits again on both of us.

    Shop Vacs are really a mom's best friend. I keep the overly expensive shop vac bags on hand and just vacuum up what I don't want to see, throw out the bag and clean the hose.

  30. oh the shop vac...I'll have to keep that in mind, Lisa! Luckily Jack's quite good at handling his vomit, but I guess this last time caught him off guard.

    Shudder. Yeah, we live some fun times as parents, don't we!

  31. What the crap are 'cat yark ropes'? I don't want to know, but I totally do.

    I'm 100% with you on the bleach thing - I have also been known to go through a tin of Glen20 (spray disinfectant) in a day. Kills the germs GOOD.

    Sarah xxx

  32. well Sarah, "yark" is one of my many words for vomit, and for some reason when cats cough up something, it often looks like it's in ROPE shape, which makes it extra disgusting.

    I'm glad you are a germ ANNIHILATOR too!


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