Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


This cake is so BADASS, only JULES* is the right man to present it to you.


Alright MOTHER%$*ERS! Here's what we're gonna DO:
We are going to make this MOTHER%$*# ING COOKIE CAKE.

Oh, I'm SORRY, did I STUTTER?  Did you think I said we're going to make some COOKIES?  PAY ATTENTION MOTHER%$*ER, because we are not going to be making any $&#!*& COOKIES.  We are GOING to be making a CAKE.  And not just ANY CAKE: we are going to make a  %!*#! COOKIE CAKE.  It BEHOOVES you to PAY ATTENTION.

CAN YOU READ?  That's good!  That makes me happy, because I am going to take all the ingredients, and all the NECESSARY INSTRUCTIONS, and I am going to LAY THEM OUT FOR YOU.  And soon you will feel the power of this delicious, MOTHER%$*# ING cake.  And then, you are GOING to make this buttery, fluffy, real vanilla, cookie-crowned cake.  Ya dig?


* preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a large bowl:

1 ¼ cups cake and pastry flour
scant half cup white sugar
1 tbsp baking powder - sifted
¼ tsp baking soda - sifted
¼ tsp salt
¼ tsp pumpkin pie spice (I will accept cinnamon as well)
½ cup very soft butter

whir together with a blender until all butter is well incorporated and mixture resembles coarse sand

YES, I SAID IT CORRECTLY:  you mix the BUTTER with the dry ingredients.  Are you an idiot?  Of course not.  Neither am I.  This is going to give us a much better cake texture.  Shall we continue now?

In measuring cup: 

1 egg
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
1 small container  (100 g) good vanilla yogurt (like Activia)
3 tbsp sour cream

mix together in the measuring cup lightly until JUST blended


3 tbsp butter melted
10 Cinnamon spice wafer cookies crushed into small pieces

blend cookies with butter

set aside.

  • Butter a typical 9 inch round cake pan.  Cut a circle of waxed paper to fit the bottom.  Butter waxed paper.  Lightly flour the entire pan. 
  • Add loosely mixed liquid ingredients to coarse, sandy dry ingredients.  Blend together until ALMOST all mixed.  Remove beater from blender and lightly scoop the rest together.  Mixture should be barely mixed and look coarse, thick and slightly curdled
  • Blop batter into pan and gently coax around the pan with your spoon until mixture covers the pan. 
  • Sprinkle crushed buttered cookie mixture overtop of cake
  • Bake for 25-30 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean 

Only a fool would forsake the GLAZE.


¼ cup melted butter
1 cup icing sugar
enough warm water to make icing sugar runny

mix together and drizzle over cooled cake

Voila, you are a genius.

Now let's take a look at that beautiful MOTHER%$*# ING cake!

batter and $%&ing cookie bits


Now THAT is a thing of beauty.

So, are we friends?  Are we COOL you and I?  Do you understand WHY you need to make this MOTHER%$*# ING COOKIE CAKE now?  Don't make me come back and explain it to you again.

Well?  What are you waiting for?  GO MAKE THIS CAKE, MOTHER%$*ER!!!

* I love Jules.  Jules is awesome, but he is not a character I created.  You can find Jules in Quentin Tarantino's PULP FICTION (1994).


  1. What is that on your counter, sweet what?? I can't read it.

    Oh yeah, off to make the cookie cake now.

  2. Pahahahaha!!!! Cracks me the f*ck up! Totally off subject, but in the realm of stuff with my favorite word f*ck in it....have you heard of the book "Go the f*ck to sleep"? It's a children's bedtime story. No seriously. Saw it at a shower and absolutely fell in love. :D I'm pretty sure it's narrated by the awesome Mr. Jackson on youtube somewhere, but I could be making that up. Check it out.

  3. lmao! i love this! now i'm going to need to eat this cookie cake with a royale with cheese and then blow some muthaf&@#*er's away with my hand cannon.
    maria, i love that book! hilarious!

  4. maybe i should make the cake and give it to all the angry and disgrunteled[sp?]employees at matt's christmas party.

  5. now that entry didn't do anything for my stress at all! In fact, I think my anxiety levels went up a notch or two. It had someone swearing at me loudly AND a recipe. Dear Lord, I think I'm feeling the itch to 'go postal' and end it all.

  6. Tomatoes, Lizbeth my dahling! And in case anyone is wondering, that is my kitchen table because thanks to shitty 1920's home design, I literally have about 13 inches of counter and that's it.


  7. Maria, I did indeed hear that book! I only liked it read by Samuel L. as well.

  8. you can't eat a royale with cheese, Sherilinnie. You'd have to eat a Mcsoy with cheese :)

    But that did sound BADASS.

  9. angry, AND disgruntled Miss PAULA?!? Well COOKIE CAKE is EXACTLY what they need then! seriously--my kids and nieces go BANANAS for it. I think it's because it has cookies on it, and COOKIE in the name. It just sounds exciting. Brings out the happy KID in all of us (if indeed I still have one)

  10. Matt, sounds like you need a big slice of cookie cake and then just pick yourself up and start again, old kid, old sock :)

    No going postal, just eat cake!

  11. Hee! I love it when recipes yell at me.

    I am totally in the baking mood. Yesterday I made red velvet cupcakes, but since you ARE commanding we us to make the Mother F%@#&*^% Cookie Cake, I guess I'll just have to do it :-)

  12. Okay!! Okay!!! I will MAKE the mot!?er f*&#king cake!! Just don't shoot!!

    I'm not very domestic (I am, however, the Queen of the Understatement), so I usually skip over recipe-related blog posts, but NOT THIS ONE!! Jules is DA MAN! Or not. Depending on which side of the gun you're on.


  13. I wouldn't want Jules to go midieval on my ass, so I'd better try this. Great post.

  14. Vesta, this is interesting, because now I am aware that modern red velvet cake can be chocolate OR vanilla--which did you make?

    I freaking love cake.

    Let me know how it turns out if you make it!

  15. thanks Grace! The Man (my hub) informs me that I am actually not very domestic. I do like baking occasionally though (but always wish someone else would f*$%ing clean that $*&! up.

  16. thanks George! This is how insane I am: for at least a couple of weeks all I could picture in my mind was Jules explaining how to make this cake.

    Clearly I'm losing it.

  17. Tomato's???? So now I'm going really off topic here but what'd ya make with the tomato's???

  18. they were little cherry tomatoes so I was either just snacking on them or had added them to a salad, and either way I didn't clean up after myself yet which is typical :)

  19. I think you did a wonderful job of writing for Jules. It seemed perfect to me, I could hear his delivery of every single line.

  20. if i'm holding my muthaf*%$king hand cannon i'll eat what i f*@&$ing want to eat

  21. HIlarious. Did you ever see the little clip he did reading a goodnight story? It is so funny I think I peed. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me know and I will find it again!

  22. My best baking moments always come through a trip to the bakery to buy fully made stuff. It gives me such a feeling of accomplishment.

  23. Now, this is a recipe I thoroughly enjoyed reading! It sounds like it would taste awesome.

  24. Muchas Gracias, George. I do put my ALL into wasting time :)

  25. Okay Sherilin! OKAY! I can't argue with the hand cannon.

  26. funny Daniele, because Maria mentioned that too! I guess everyone loves that book, yes? Or at least, all GROWNUPS LOVE IT!!!

  27. Laoch, I can only endorse this if the bakery you frequent KICKS SOME MOTHER$@^&ING ASS.

    Most don't.

  28. it did taste awesome, Paula, and kids lose their minds for it a little bit. Must be the cookies.

  29. that is one sweet motherfucking cookie cake.

    LOVE IT.

  30. Sue, it is and it WAS! It never lasts very long.

  31. Wow, I think I just went into a sugar coma. :)

    PS. You've been Liebstered!


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