Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Friday, December 30, 2011

PLENTY of Angst Before The New Year!

Ah, my friends,

the year is drawing to a close.  I feel like I've been so busy, I've hardly had any "LET'S SHARE" time at all, and THAT is tragic.

Thus, I would like to recap what's been going on around here lately, but I think I'll do it in nice, tidy, individual segments--you know, kind of like one of those TOILET BOOKS!  The interesting little blurbs are never so long that they'll make your legs go dead (unless you read too many in a row!), but they're interesting enough to allow the bathroom to be "MOMMY'S BREAK ROOM."

Besides, a lot of you people out there have those super expensive TABLET things now, right?  Or your itouches or iphones, or whatever, so this way, you can enjoy this post on the can too--one little section at a time!  Or, if you find that gauche, you can just read the whole thing at your computer, old skool style.

Let's start here:

Make The Holiday Zits Stop

My loves, do you know where I was mere days before Christmas?  At the drugstore!  Was I buying stocking stuffers?  NO!  I was buying zit cream!  Yeah, I was thrilled.  Thanks Santa, for the present that just keeps giving this holiday season.

I came in the store and hoped there would be some clever signage to direct me to the TEENAGE ACNE SECTION.  I did, incidentally, find a really nice concealer stick that also contains salicylic acid!  That thing is freaking awesome.

Remember those days of farty scented acne creams that were supposed to be flesh coloured, so you got to walk around with a great big orange mountain of zit makeup on your cheek?  Yeah, that didn't fool ANYBODY.

Mouse Trap and Tsunamis

So!  Where are my SPECTRUM homies at, because I want to talk about OBSESSIONS!  You know--like, when your kid likes something, they have to LOVE IT, and they have to LOVE IT NEARLY EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY, and they have to talk about it constantly, and ask you approximately googleplex questions about their special interest, and repeat the same questions over and over again, and basically make you want to run screaming from their special latest fixation?

Oh, we've had many over the years.  Jack was obsessed for a long time with the 20th Century Fox logo, and opening fanfare-filled animation.  Back before Jack would even attempt drawing, he used to commission people to draw this logo for him.  We had stacks, and stacks, and stacks of 20th Century Fox drawings, and he would look at it on youtube CONSTANTLY.

* What's interesting though is that there are lots of people out there who went to the trouble of POSTING these 20th Century Fox intros on youtube.  I don't know--I think my son is charming, so obviously he's not the only one...but I digress

That's just one of many examples.  Currently Jack has been LOVING that Mouse Trap game.

You know the one:


It's that game that's been around for a thousand years, and most of us wanted it desperately when we were kids, but our mothers thought it was stupid and had very little "play value" so we never got it.

Well, Jack was going mental for that game.  Before Christmas he would ask which stores had it, how many days until he'd get it, would Santa bring it for him, why does he have to wait, THAT'S A STUPID IDEA TO MAKE HIM WAIT FOR TOYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS, MOM!  WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT?!?

So, I'm trying to play up this whole bullshitty idea of Santa anyway, right?  So things went like this:

Jack:  "is Santa gonna bring me Mouse Trap?"

Me:  "probably (smiley face!)!"

Jack:  "well, is he???"

Me:  "I'm sure he will."


Me:  "yes!  He's probably going to bring it!  You just have to be a good boy--"


By the time Christmas eve came, that kid was beside himself for NEEDING to know if he would be getting EVERYTHING that was on his list.  I'm seriously considering handling Christmas this way next year:

Me:  Jack, you will be getting the following presents, but you will have to wait until Christmas day to open them.  So you can chill the eff out, okay?!?"

So, the Mouse Trap board has been set up for days, perfectly, pristinely, but for F*CK'S SAKE, DON'T TOUCH IT!!!!!!!  It is now VERBOTEN to everyone except for Jack, and heaven help the person who accidentally gets the ball in motion.


this is not good enough.  Why didn't we buy him the 1970's version of Mouse Trap he has seen on youtube?  Nevermind that it isn't in STORES.  Jack knows that almost anything can be found online.

Oh, and he loves the funnels one particular edition had, for the little ball bearing to slide through.  Do we have funnels?  Why don't we have funnels for TOYS?  Where can we BUY funnels?  Can we go to the hardware store and look for funnels?  Mom, can you come here and look at the computer and see how these FUNNELS look?  For MY BIRTHDAY, MOM, I want FUNNELS and JINGLE BLOCKS..

What. The. F*ck. Are. JINGLE BLOCKS?!?

I feel the icy hand of fear starting to grip my heart.


Jack's other obsession (this is an ongoing one since summer) is/are HUGE WAVES.  You know:  tidal waves, tsunamis, typical beach waves.  He got a dvd set about waves and the ocean for Christmas.  One disk features various surfers.  I've had THIS conversation now 5 billion times:

Jack:  "Mom, do you like huge waves?"

Me:  "well, not HUGE ones."

Jack:  "why not?"

Me:  "I like to look at them."

Jack:  "would you like to surf HUGE WAVES?"

Me:  "no."

Jack:  "WHY!?!"

Me:  "because they're dangerous."

Jack:  "do you like tsunamis?"

Me:  "no."

Jack:  "why?"

Me:  "because they're really dangerous!  Lots of people get killed."

Jack:  "would you like to surf a tsunami?"

Me:  "NO."

Jack:  "WHY?!?"


Jack:  "why can't you?"


Jack:  "I wish you would like to surf huge waves."

Me:  "I wish you would like dogs." (Jack has a massive phobia of dogs)


Jack:  "Mom, would you like to swim in huge waves?

Me:  "no."

Jack:  "why not?"

Me:  "I don't like huge waves, I'm not a strong swimmer. I don't want to SWIM IN THEM."

Jack:  "Mom, would you like to surf 10 foot waves?"


Jack:  "NO, MEANIE!"

Me:  ( $%*&!! )

How Old Do You THINK I am?!?!?

You know what I used to think was THE WORST THING?  When someone thought I was pregnant LONG after I'd had Ella.  Oh, that happened twice.  Once I was at a wedding, and a woman at our table who was The Man's boss at the time, leaned over and patted my stomach, and asked if I was expecting "another little buddy for Jack."

The second time happened at the WAKE OF MY MOTHER'S FUNERAL.  It's a good thing I love this cousin, because honestly?  She even thought I had "a glow."  AT A FREAKING FUNERAL, I HAD A GLOW.  PONDER THAT, PEOPLE.

So yeah, I HATED that, but last night topped that!  I went out for dinner with my dad and my sister for Chinese buffet goodness.

The waitress thought my sister was my daughter.

Yes, take a moment.

My daughter.


Seriously.  WTF.


40, clearly, is rolling in with a vengeance.  I loaded on the wrinkle cream at bed time.

I Broke My Butt

Speaking of getting old and falling apart, the freakiest thing happened tonight.  I was brushing my teeth after dinner, and doing my usual overly thorough TONGUE BRUSHING, and I guess it was a little too thorough because I


and then, OW! OW! OW!  I hurt my bum!  I'm serious!  I was kind of bent over at a slight angle, and I did one of those gags whereby it feels like your whole inner workings are going to come up, and then I felt this TUG and TWANG right at my BUTT DIMPLE and it was all burning, and super hurtish, and I couldn't even rinse my mouth.  It felt like a cord or sinew or something got moved out of place and stretched over my butt dimple, and it FREAKING HURT

So, I hobbled downstairs all grimacing, and I tried to sit on the couch for a moment, but that didn't help, so I laid out flat on the area rug. The kids thought this was hilarious, and as I was stretching my butt out, Ella quickly ran for her new little Barbie digital camera so she could snap a picture.  Then she put on my apron and danced around me singing:  "I'M THE NEW MOM! I'M THE NEW MOM!"

And The Man?  He kind of made some lame sounds that were pretend sympathy, and kept watching tv.

"I'm going to clone A FEW OF ME!"  I shouted, "so maybe THEN I could get some SYMPATHY!"

Here, I made a little drawing to show you where it hurt:

You know what all of this means people?  I'm falling apart.  BETTER ASH CAN MY "FIT TO FORTY" DREAMS!  THEY'LL NEVER COME TRUE!

I know you guys care:  my bum feels much better now.

And you're all caught up now!  Hope your butt dimples are all fine.


  1. the waitress is a twit

    we look good for 40 and you know it.

    But, I'm losing some hair, the gut is sticking around more than usual, and my body is falling apart.

    Inside I feel 21, but outside, well, older than that.

    Happy New Year, Karen. Hope 12 is great for you. Thanks for finding me and hanging on the internets. you're awesome.

  2. 1. i don't have a tablet or internet on my phone or any such fancy things, so i can't read you on the toilet. old fashioned desk reading for me.

    2. i have that same zit med concealer and i really like it. zits suck big meaty balls and i hate them.

    3. autistic kids can get pretty freakin annoying about their obsessions, can't they? B talks incessantly about hers and sometimes, like tonight in the grocery store, i have to tell her, "brooke, i have things to do here and i can't actually pay attention to what you're saying or answer the questions that you're asking me while reading my list and finding the items we're here to purchase. so you can keep talking if you want, but i will no longer be listening to you."

    4. people have been asking me if my sister was my daughter pretty much her whole life. she's 11 years younger, so i'd have had to be a totally whore 10 year old for her to be mine. but the worst was when 2 different people asked if my brother was my son. and he's older than me. i wished i had a gun.

    5. i've never brushed my tongue and broke my butt in the process, and from your description, i hope i never do! but at least you have ella waiting to step in and fill your apron.

    6. happy new year!

  3. Well last week I was looking at this crochet blanket at VV and I bought it. The woman in front of me told me it would come in handy for the new baby.

    I was like what? Oh, oh ya.
    She caught me so off guard.

    hey my youngest is 17, and I just got told i was pregnant.

  4. You slay me. I suppose I could take my laptop into the bathroom, it would be a little uncomfortable but at least the kids would leave me alone. I do not have that zit stuff but it sounds good to me. I know your son is autistic and all but you had me rolling with the puppy thing. I bet people think my little sister is my kid when we are out, but I am so stinking deaf that I miss half the things people say to me. Sorry to hear about your butt.

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. Oh my goodness, so many things to comment on - I don't know where to start.

    Mousetrap - bless your heart. On the plus side, if no one can touch it, then at least there aren't pieces laying all over the place just waiting for you to step on them!

    I can't believe you broke your butt by gagging yourself with a toothbrush! I am fairly certain that's the first time in history it happened though, so that makes you an innovator! See? Always a bright side (and the thought of your daughter dancing merrily around you chanting about being the new mom made me giggle).

  7. Never followed you while on the loo, but I'm going to make a special effort to take my swanky phone in with me next time just so that I can. I'm sure you will appreciate the dedication to your blog!
    Obsessions must be a trial to live with - but you do write about the difficulties of living with the spectrum SO well.
    Someone once said to my sister and I that we must be twins. She is 9 years older than me. She was delighted. I was not.
    Hope the broken arse is feeling tip-top again now.
    Happy New Year, Karen - I'm glad I found you! xxxxxxxx

  8. Try playing Quelf. It's nuts. In a good way.
    Happy Hogmanay.

  9. the picture of you and your sister kills me. that is all.

  10. This reminds me of the good old days. Awesome game! Thanks for the smile :)

  11. Thanks Lance! Happy New Year to you too. You're right: we ARE fabulous! Inside I guess I feel a bit younger too sometimes: like, two years maybe.

  12. Sherilinnie, zits DO suck. I will talk about this on your latest blog post though, because I read it quick and didn't have time to comment yet!

    That's pure retardation about someone asking if your bro was your son.

    Stupid always talks first, thinks later...if at all.
    Happy new year to you!

  13. The new baby, Melissa? What kind of dick-headed comment is that?!? You know what: EVEN IF THE WOMAN has a VISIBLE tummy, and is CLEARLY wearing something that can only be a maternity shirt, I still would never ever go up and tell her congratulations unless I was 100% certain.

  14. Alaina, you cracked me up with the "stinking deaf" part. Sigh. You're not missing ANYTHING then if you can't hear the dummards of the world.

  15. Vesta: there may be no pieces of Mouse Trap lying around...YET, but the rest of the house is well...let's not discuss.

    Yeah, I was wondering if anyone else would pipe up and say: "ME TOO! I STRAINED MY BUTT BRUSHING MY TEETH TOO!"

    So far, that has not happened.

  16. Curtise, those crazy idiosyncrasies of autism, and non-autism alike all just become the norm! I'm pretty tired of talking about WAVES THOUGH...oh, and Willy Wonka's chocolate factory too, but that's another story.

    Happy New year to you as well. Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad we found each other!

  17. ooo...dbs said "happy hogmanay" which is Scottish-freaking-hot.

    Seriously--if you girls have read "Outlander" you will totally get it.

    I have no idea what quelf is...
    wait...didn't you do a post on that???

  18. Thanks, BragonDorn, and thanks for joining this great group of friends! I appreciate you taking the time to read.

  19. Here from a tweet from the Empress ... I laughed out loud. No mean feat .. thank you!

  20. No, edenland, thank YOU for stopping on by to visit! How nice! I'm so unaware..I'd better go thank the Empress now, as I was CLUELESS about the tweet :)

  21. Your newest follower... you made me laugh out loud for real. Not just LOL but gut busting chuckles in my cubicle. Thanks.

  22. Hi Design DNA! Thanks for reading and joining this fine group of friends! ooo...chuckling in the cubicle sounds DIRTY...or is it DRRRTY...either way, it was my pleasure :)


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