the year is drawing to a close. I feel like I've been so busy, I've hardly had any "LET'S SHARE" time at all, and THAT is tragic.
Thus, I would like to recap what's been going on around here lately, but I think I'll do it in nice, tidy, individual segments--you know, kind of like one of those TOILET BOOKS! The interesting little blurbs are never so long that they'll make your legs go dead (unless you read too many in a row!), but they're interesting enough to allow the bathroom to be "MOMMY'S BREAK ROOM."
Besides, a lot of you people out there have those super expensive TABLET things now, right? Or your itouches or iphones, or whatever, so this way, you can enjoy this post on the can too--one little section at a time! Or, if you find that gauche, you can just read the whole thing at your computer, old skool style.
Let's start here:
Make The Holiday Zits Stop
My loves, do you know where I was mere days before Christmas? At the drugstore! Was I buying stocking stuffers? NO! I was buying zit cream! Yeah, I was thrilled. Thanks Santa, for the present that just keeps giving this holiday season.
I came in the store and hoped there would be some clever signage to direct me to the TEENAGE ACNE SECTION. I did, incidentally, find a really nice concealer stick that also contains salicylic acid! That thing is freaking awesome.
Remember those days of farty scented acne creams that were supposed to be flesh coloured, so you got to walk around with a great big orange mountain of zit makeup on your cheek? Yeah, that didn't fool ANYBODY.
Mouse Trap and Tsunamis
So! Where are my SPECTRUM homies at, because I want to talk about OBSESSIONS! You know--like, when your kid likes something, they have to LOVE IT, and they have to LOVE IT NEARLY EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY, and they have to talk about it constantly, and ask you approximately googleplex questions about their special interest, and repeat the same questions over and over again, and basically make you want to run screaming from their special latest fixation?
Oh, we've had many over the years. Jack was obsessed for a long time with the 20th Century Fox logo, and opening fanfare-filled animation. Back before Jack would even attempt drawing, he used to commission people to draw this logo for him. We had stacks, and stacks, and stacks of 20th Century Fox drawings, and he would look at it on youtube CONSTANTLY.
* What's interesting though is that there are lots of people out there who went to the trouble of POSTING these 20th Century Fox intros on youtube. I don't know--I think my son is charming, so obviously he's not the only one...but I digress
That's just one of many examples. Currently Jack has been LOVING that Mouse Trap game.
You know the one:
It's that game that's been around for a thousand years, and most of us wanted it desperately when we were kids, but our mothers thought it was stupid and had very little "play value" so we never got it.
Well, Jack was going mental for that game. Before Christmas he would ask which stores had it, how many days until he'd get it, would Santa bring it for him, why does he have to wait, THAT'S A STUPID IDEA TO MAKE HIM WAIT FOR TOYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS, MOM! WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT?!?
So, I'm trying to play up this whole bullshitty idea of Santa anyway, right? So things went like this:
Jack: "is Santa gonna bring me Mouse Trap?"
Me: "probably (smiley face!)!"
Jack: "well, is he???"
Me: "I'm sure he will."
Jack: "IS HE BRINGING IT?!?"
Me: "yes! He's probably going to bring it! You just have to be a good boy--"
Jack: "WELL IF HE DOESN'T BRING IT, WE HAVE TO GO TO THE STORE AND BUY ONE."
By the time Christmas eve came, that kid was beside himself for NEEDING to know if he would be getting EVERYTHING that was on his list. I'm seriously considering handling Christmas this way next year:
Me: Jack, you will be getting the following presents, but you will have to wait until Christmas day to open them. So you can chill the eff out, okay?!?"
So, the Mouse Trap board has been set up for days, perfectly, pristinely, but for F*CK'S SAKE, DON'T TOUCH IT!!!!!!! It is now VERBOTEN to everyone except for Jack, and heaven help the person who accidentally gets the ball in motion.
this is not good enough. Why didn't we buy him the 1970's version of Mouse Trap he has seen on youtube? Nevermind that it isn't in STORES. Jack knows that almost anything can be found online.
Oh, and he loves the funnels one particular edition had, for the little ball bearing to slide through. Do we have funnels? Why don't we have funnels for TOYS? Where can we BUY funnels? Can we go to the hardware store and look for funnels? Mom, can you come here and look at the computer and see how these FUNNELS look? For MY BIRTHDAY, MOM, I want FUNNELS and JINGLE BLOCKS..
What. The. F*ck. Are. JINGLE BLOCKS?!?
I feel the icy hand of fear starting to grip my heart.
Jack's other obsession (this is an ongoing one since summer) is/are HUGE WAVES. You know: tidal waves, tsunamis, typical beach waves. He got a dvd set about waves and the ocean for Christmas. One disk features various surfers. I've had THIS conversation now 5 billion times:
Jack: "Mom, do you like huge waves?"
Me: "well, not HUGE ones."
Jack: "why not?"
Me: "I like to look at them."
Jack: "would you like to surf HUGE WAVES?"
Me: "because they're dangerous."
Jack: "do you like tsunamis?"
Me: "because they're really dangerous! Lots of people get killed."
Jack: "would you like to surf a tsunami?"
Me: "BECAUSE YOU CAN'T?"
Jack: "why can't you?"
Me: "BECAUSE IT'S TOO DANGEROUS YOU CAN'T EVEN SURF ON THEM YOU WOULD GET KILLED"
Jack: "I wish you would like to surf huge waves."
Me: "I wish you would like dogs." (Jack has a massive phobia of dogs)
Jack: "THAT'S STUPID!"
Jack: "Mom, would you like to swim in huge waves?
Jack: "why not?"
Me: "I don't like huge waves, I'm not a strong swimmer. I don't want to SWIM IN THEM."
Jack: "Mom, would you like to surf 10 foot waves?"
Me: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT WAVES ANYMORE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO PET A PUPPY!?!"
Jack: "NO, MEANIE!"
Me: ( $%*&!! )
How Old Do You THINK I am?!?!?
You know what I used to think was THE WORST THING? When someone thought I was pregnant LONG after I'd had Ella. Oh, that happened twice. Once I was at a wedding, and a woman at our table who was The Man's boss at the time, leaned over and patted my stomach, and asked if I was expecting "another little buddy for Jack."
The second time happened at the WAKE OF MY MOTHER'S FUNERAL. It's a good thing I love this cousin, because honestly? She even thought I had "a glow." AT A FREAKING FUNERAL, I HAD A GLOW. PONDER THAT, PEOPLE.
So yeah, I HATED that, but last night topped that! I went out for dinner with my dad and my sister for Chinese buffet goodness.
The waitress thought my sister was my daughter.
Yes, take a moment.
W T F
My sister is SIX YEARS YOUNGER. NOT SIXTEEN. SIX.
40, clearly, is rolling in with a vengeance. I loaded on the wrinkle cream at bed time.
I Broke My Butt
Speaking of getting old and falling apart, the freakiest thing happened tonight. I was brushing my teeth after dinner, and doing my usual overly thorough TONGUE BRUSHING, and I guess it was a little too thorough because I
and then, OW! OW! OW! I hurt my bum! I'm serious! I was kind of bent over at a slight angle, and I did one of those gags whereby it feels like your whole inner workings are going to come up, and then I felt this TUG and TWANG right at my BUTT DIMPLE and it was all burning, and super hurtish, and I couldn't even rinse my mouth. It felt like a cord or sinew or something got moved out of place and stretched over my butt dimple, and it FREAKING HURT
So, I hobbled downstairs all grimacing, and I tried to sit on the couch for a moment, but that didn't help, so I laid out flat on the area rug. The kids thought this was hilarious, and as I was stretching my butt out, Ella quickly ran for her new little Barbie digital camera so she could snap a picture. Then she put on my apron and danced around me singing: "I'M THE NEW MOM! I'M THE NEW MOM!"
And The Man? He kind of made some lame sounds that were pretend sympathy, and kept watching tv.
"I'm going to clone A FEW OF ME!" I shouted, "so maybe THEN I could get some SYMPATHY!"
Here, I made a little drawing to show you where it hurt:
You know what all of this means people? I'm falling apart. BETTER ASH CAN MY "FIT TO FORTY" DREAMS! THEY'LL NEVER COME TRUE!
I know you guys care: my bum feels much better now.
And you're all caught up now! Hope your butt dimples are all fine.