Sometimes life kicks you right in the poodle.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Sometimes Life Kicks You Right In The Poodle

I need 3 fingers of rye--STAT

My 4 year old daughter came up with that expression.  She accidentally got a foot to the privates one time while swimming, and said she got kicked in the "poodle."

She is a SCREAM.

Listen people:  little karen sunshine is NOT here today.  I have NO words of encouragement to offer.  Why?  Because it's NOT GOOD, that's why.  How not good is it, you ask?  Well, I was just chowing Doritos for breakfast, and washing it down with Vitamin Water--my favourite one for improved eyeballs.

I'm coming down with a cold.  This will be my third cold in about as many months, and frankly, that sucks ass.  You know what else sucks?  I just came out of THE PMS.

So, I am still a bloaty water tower.  A FREAKING WATER TOWER.  Let me give you a small update (for anyone who cares) about PMS, since I started taking THE SUPPLEMENT.  If you've been with me from the start, you'll know that I used to suffer massively from debilitating PMS, ie; a full two weeks of homicidal depression.  Since I started taking the all natural supplement thingy, instead of having 14 days of OH GOD PLEASE LET ME DIE, I have about 4...and kind of peppered here and there during those two weeks leading up to my period, not all in a row.

Improvement!

There are a couple of things those little ass-flavoured pills can't touch though:  MONSTROUS WATER RETENTION, and the need to eat as many Doritos as I can get my grubby, oniony little hands on.  Seriously people, if you chop onions one night, why does that smell have to be reactivated for the next couple of days every time water hits your hands?  How does one get rid of that?  Must google this later...

So, when I cram down half a bag of smelly sock chips whilst watching evening television, I tend to feel BAD about myself.  I can't imagine why.  Then I go to bed and wake up with the worst tongue ever.

I don't even know what the hell this post is about, but it feels good.

But you know what happens when I'm all full of that much water?  I get jowls.  For two weeks I have jowls, and for two weeks I don't.  My sister says this is ridiculous, and she has noticed no jowls, but she does NOT KNOW.  I'm considering duct taping my face back for a couple of weeks and seeing if that will help.

Yeah, so I've been stumbling around, trying to go for these super lame power-walks, with a big doughy winter white ham hock jowl face, and sore ta-tas, and feeling yuck and exhausted because I'm getting a cold.

So that's all.  I just wanted to share my Monday pain, because somewhere out there, some a$$hole is trying to spread INSPIRATION, and that is so, so freaking NOT what we need.

30 comments:

  1. That's what you get for being born a girl. I can only handle one of you in my house. You all are pre-packaged with a lot of issues.
    Sorry that your Monday sucks. I'm hearing that from a lot of blogs today. Maybe it's Universal?
    And don't worry, I won't even try to inspire today.
    m.

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  2. I think this is my favorite thing you've ever written ever.

    Particularly this:

    a big doughy winter white ham hock jowl face

    So. Thanks for inspiring me even though you didn't want to.

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  3. i feel like someone is blending my uterus...owwww not a fun feeling.poor girl, hope that 'pilsbury dough boy' feeling leaves soon.

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  4. And you know what stinks?? Its that you're holding all this water (I like to think of myself as a camel at this point of the month) AND you crave salty foods which makes you retain MORE water. I feel like my little cell membranes are just going to explode from all the water they are trying to hold in. Good times...

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  5. I'm neither in favor of inspiration OR poodles. In fact, I find that poodle picture offensive. That is not a dog, it is some kind of vanity beast, and it must be destroyed.

    But I guess you've got your hands full of other things right now (Doritos).

    Hope your jowls go away soon!

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  6. i like that you said you wake up with the worst tongue ever. that happens to me if i ever drink pepto bismol (yes, drink, not take. who needs a measuring cup with it's dark and you're tired and your belly hurts from too many doritos?) and then go to bed without brushing my teeth.

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  7. Oh no! Why are we cursed with the PMS? Why?
    I know the feeling you speak of, with the water retention and all. I call it Marshmallow Cow.

    Feel better!

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  8. thank-you for your rant. I trust The Man is safely stowed away in your anti-PMS bunker at an undisclosed location? Either that or you killed him and are celebrating with Dorittos.

    Either way, thanks for sharing.

    P.S. I agree with Flannery: Poodles are NOT really dogs.

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  9. Mark, you're hilarious: that's what I get for being born a girl! LURV IT. Oh yes, loads of issues, and please don't forget the drama. Never forget the drama.

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  10. Sue, that is all I can picture when I see myself. So many months without sunshine...

    now I'm sobbing.

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  11. Miss Paula: like, blending it in a BLENDER? WHRRR? Excellent image. I just told The Man today that it felt like someone shot me in the right fallopian thingy. Stupid lousy debilitating cramps.

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  12. yeah, no kidding, right Lizbeth? I love all the books that say AVOID CAFFEINE too, when coffee's the only thing that brings me true joy at that time.

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  13. FLANNERY: VANITY BEAST! HA HA HA HA HA HA! I love it.

    Well, when I googled "poodle" that was the most ludicrous image, so I had to choose it.

    I drank four or five glasses of water today. I really want the water jowls gone.

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  14. Sherilin, that is so true about the Pepto I too drink it straight out of the bottle when need arises. I find that stuff so disgusting I can't bear to sip it out of the little measuring cup.

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  15. Vesta, I feel I must craft this marshmallow cow of which you speak at some point in the near future. It's very appropriate.

    So soft and puffy. Hideous and soft. Terrible and puffy.

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  16. Matt, I'm beyond my 4 days of PMS, but the water doesn't necessarily eff off that quickly. Stupid water.

    Love the Doritos though.

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  17. i love matt's comment.
    "I trust The Man is safely stowed away in your anti-PMS bunker at an undisclosed location?"
    i'm going to try to work that anti-pms bunker concept into a conversation here on the homefront next time my inner beast arrises.

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  18. First of all...I think I love you.

    Second of all...You are not alone in the debilitating PMS department. SO.NOT.ALONE.

    Just wondering, do you also get the horrid ovulatory pain in the middle of your cycle? If not, you are SOOOOO missing out on a whole shit-load of fun FUN FUN!

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  19. I wish I had you and your daughters brain.......just all little bit of that so sarcastic, ingenious, descriptive word play.

    Women have poodles.
    Men have noodles.

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  20. Sherilin, it is a funny idea picturing men being stowed away in a safe bunker during THE PMS. I would prefer to leave on my own though, and go in my moon hut. Aaaah....moon hut...

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  21. Sunday, that is very interesting, and I'm amazed to say that I do NOT (somehow) get ovulatory pain. I do become an asexual houseplant as soon as the egg drops out though. Up till then, I'm all "oh you are so HANDSOME AND LOVEABLE" after that, it's me in a corner with a book.

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  22. women have poodles, men have noodles.

    Melissa, I actually guffawed when I read that this morning. That totally made my day. I think it should be on a tshirt or coffee mug or something.

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  23. Oh you made me laugh and i love that!!
    Ha doc tape the jowls!! Yeah I am always pulling my face back telling my husband i want my face done!

    Let me know about that onion thing because i thought it was just me.

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  24. Don't kick me, but I used to think women who got PMS were just whiners. Because I never got PMS! And then I had kids and now I have awful, horrible, debilitating cramps and moodiness and cravings and ohmygod I want to kick myself in the poodle for thinking that before.

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  25. I am just the same as Shalini, didn't know what this PMS thing was all about till I had kids, and now I am a raging hormonal beast. Unless it's just my personality.
    Hope the jowls are deflating - I'm sorry you feel so crap but you made me laugh, so something good's come out of it. Bet that really makes you feel better...
    Look after your poodle, love Curtise xxxx

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  26. Chipper up Karen, Christmas is just around the corner. Hehehe, I am sure that is just what you want to hear. Ah give yourself a break and kick the poodle back. You are so funny about the white ribbon, thanks for the compliments. You will have to come back and visit when I show the living room tree, that room is packed with lots of red. I hope you have a better Wednesday.

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  27. Well Pam, I am told that if I'm just diligent and remember to rub my hands on some stainless steel metal something, I will not smell onion-esque for days.

    Nice to see you!

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  28. Shalini, you are opening up that portal in my brain that always wants to ponder EMPATHY.

    No, I don't want any deep thinkin' today. You are funny--don't kick your poodle just yet, just go to one of those health stores and try the supplement I try! I endorse this for free. Lorna Vanderhaeghe or however the hell you spell her name should pay me.

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  29. Ah Curtise, thank you for your caring. My JOWLS have diminished today, BOO YAH.

    Back on track, and no longer feeling like an old sweaty sock! Hooray!

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  30. Looking forward to checking out your much-tidier-than-mine home Alaina! As soon as I do these freaking dishes...

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