Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Saturday, December 3, 2011

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1 - MELODRAMA-RAMA



***
SPOILER ALERT!  I GIVE AWAY PARTS OF THE MOVIE.  YOU MAY OR MAY NOT CARE.  CHANCES ARE 50% OF YOU WILL NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. 40% OF YOU ONLY SEE THE TWILIGHT MOVIES BECAUSE YOU READ THE BOOKS. 10% OF YOU SOMEHOW WANTED TO SEE THE MOVIES AND/OR LIKE THE MOVIES EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE NEVER READ THE BOOKS.  YOU ARE THE MOST CONFUSING GROUP OF ALL BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT THE TWILIGHT MOVIES REALLY KINDA BLOW.  

NO, THERE'S NO DENYING IT--THEY BLOW.  AND IT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF FUNNY THAT THEY'RE SO STINKY CONSIDERING HOW MUCH MONEY THEY MAKE AND THE HORDES AND HORDES OF TWEENAGE SUPER FANS THAT CAMP OUT TO WAIT FOR THESE MOVIES, THUS ENSURING THAT THEY ARE BIG MONEYMAKERS.   I MEAN, FOR ALL THAT MONEY, YOU THINK THEY COULD ACTUALLY INVEST SOME OF IT INTO THE MOVIES.  BECAUSE YOU KNOW, THOSE BOOKS WERE ENTERTAINING.  STEPHANIE MEYER IS VERY LIKABLE AND WRITES SOME GOOD, EASILY DIGESTED ESCAPISM FICTION.  

BLAH BLAH, YOU HATE VAMPIRES AND YOU DIDN'T LIKE EDWARD.  WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE WEIRD.  AND DEAD INSIDE. THERE.  I SAID IT.  OR YOU'RE A STRAIGHT DUDE.  THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE THEN.

AHEM.

*STOP READING NOW IN CASE FOR SOME REASON YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IN THE MOVIE AND DON'T WANT ME TO (HA HA) SPOIL IT.  


And now...without further ado...




I'm getting pretty good on "PAINT", no?

Okay, so I FINALLY got to see the latest Twilight movie.  Honestly, I thought that magical day would NEVER COME.  Remember when I whined about it in this post?  Well FINALLY, it made it into theatres, so my sister and I waited for a Tuesday night, because a) we don't really give a crap about being cool anymore and b) it's cheap night.

Here's what it means to be a MOTHERTRUCKING GROWNUP going to see this movie:  you buy your tickets ONLINE YO, with your emmereffing PAY PAL account, because that's how you roll.  No, you don't stand all squished in some stupid line with all the other teenagers--you glide into the theatre with tickets you printed yourself.  And you laugh at the teenagers.  And you chortle as you head straight to the line for popcorn and a bottle of water.

Then you stop laughing for a minute because that cost eleven bucks.  

Eleven bucks.  Seriously.  The bottle of water was almost four freaking dollars.

Then as you head on over to the ticket scanner guy, you pass by all the other teenagers and you make jokes like how you want to walk up to them and say;

"um, excuse me, didn't you guys buy your tickets online?  No?  WE DID!  HA HA HA! YOU GUYS SUCK!"

You get to make that joke until it gets really old.

So, anyway, as we found our seats and got to observe the people coming in, I noticed there were a lot of dudes.  I feel sorry for you guys, all brow-beaten by your girlfriends.  I guess that's what you do when you're young, and naive.  Oh wait, one of my long time friends went to see it.  Hee hee.  You know who you are.  You're a regular reader/commenter of this blog.  But then I also saw some men around my dad's age coming with ladies to see the show.

Perplexing.  Truly perplexing.

Oh well, I digress...

Okay, so let's say this about the recent Twilight film:  could it BE more melodramatic?  This is why I have dubbed it "MELODRAMA-RAMA".  Let me give you the quick take on the whole debacle:

Bella and Edward have been in love, ever since Bella has been bewitched by Edward's super pasty skin and freakish orangey caramel coloured eyes.  Blah, blah, for book after book they're super horny for each other, but OH WHAT A SURPRISE, Edward is an old fashioned dude at heart, so he'll only dead-bone the chick he wants to marry AFTER he has married her.  


I KNOW you're a vampire and I AM HOT FOR IT.  So, so hot for it.


So, Bella probably finally decides to marry Edward just so she can get her some of that VAMPIRE LOVIN'.  Oh wait, this is cynical.  Aherm:  they are star-crossed lovers, and their love is like no other love that has ever happened before.  

Just to complicate matters, Bella wants Eddie to turn HER into a vampire, so he doesn't stay all 17 YEAR OLD HOTNESS while she gets saggy hoots and jowls like all the rest of us.  And to complicate matters further, there's a tedious love triangle because Bella also likes this guy Jacob, who happens to be a werewolf.


feel the lurv

AND SO, the movie begins with Edward and Bella about to get married.  I would like to say that I am pleased that Edward does not look too ugly in this movie, because with each successive movie, he was getting urglier and urglier as they tried to make him look more and more vampirish.  So this basically meant he had super dark eyebrows and revoltingly red lips.  And we were STILL supposed to believe that even though he looked totally stoopid that a) the other students at his highschool had NO CLUE that he was a weirdo, and b) Bella found him incredibly hot, despite his really retarded hair.  But not nearly so retarded as Carlisle's and most of all JASPER'S--but I'll get to that.

Finally, it's the wedding scene, and all you girls out there who have lived and dreamed the idea of WEDDING since you flopped out of your mother's womb will not be disappointed, because visually the wedding is STUNNING:  festoons of white flowers hang from the forest creating a magical fairytale effect.  Also, they had to hang garland after garland of white flowers to sort of form a canopy because Edward and his vampire brethren and sistren sparkle like disco balls when the sun hits them.

Gay.

Then Bella comes out and we finally get to see her dress!  SQUEE!  So, I read some stupid article about Bella's dress online, and the yucky icky fashionista who wrote it said that she hated Bella's dress and thought it was so stupid and looked like a figure skater's costume.  Also, she was WORRIED that young girls would be "fooled" into thinking the dress is "nice."  Well, from a girl who is tired of all girls going for the crunchy pin-curled hair piled on top of their heads, with the big poofy, princess dress, I for one LURVED IT.

So, blah, blah, movie progresses.  B & E are so happy and it's so sappy that it's making me want to yak, and they're married now, and oh, the whole world has disappeared and nobody is in it but just them...

BUT OH NO!  Jacob, that other guy who Bella loves but doesn't love quite as much as she loves Edward is P.O.-ED because Bella intends to become a vampira and then she will be DEAD TO HIM.  DO YOU HEAR ME?  DEAD TO HIM, JUST AS SHE HERSELF WILL BE DEAD.  NO JACOB!  DON'T SAY THAT!  I LOVE YOU JACOB!  I CAN'T STOP CRYING!  HOLD ME EDWARD, MY HEART IS BREAKING BECAUSE MY SECOND BOYFRIEND IS MAD AT ME!

Skip to the honeymoon!  

Bella is happy because she can finally get her freak on with Edward.  You know--the guy who's all "Bella, we can't" (whine whine) whenever Bella has tried to make the moves on him in the past.  There's only one problem though:  Edward is SUPER POWERFUL, and in his UNBRIDLED LUST he runs the risk of CRUSHING BELLA, OR MAYBE EVEN KILLING HER AND 

who cares?

What we DO have to live through in the meanwhile, are lots and lots of super cringe-worthy smoochy woochy scenes.  Like, I totally wished for a pillow to hold over my face because it was painful.  I mean, for how many movies did they just make out a tiny bit and that was it?  And now suddenly I'm supposed to see some Kristen Stewart HALF BOOB?!?  GAH!  SAVE ME!  SAVE MEEEEEEE!



This is the perfect time to put this photo in.  It's RPATZ and KSTEW of course, all steaming it up in the original, but that was gross and not nearly funny enough.  


Finally they get it on, and it's not particularly hot, because hell--what are they in real life--20 or something?  I mean, come on people:  what were we like at 20?  Not the love machines we are now, that's for certain.

Anyhoo, the next morning Bella's all "oh man that was HOT", and Edward's all, "Bella.  Sniff.  Let me see how badly I've hurt you with my manimal lust." So he sees like three tiny fingerprint sized bruises on Bella's arm, and he's all torn up inside and Bella's all "Edward, you're actually pissing me off because last night was the BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE AND YOU'RE TOTALLY RUINING IT."  And Edward is like "well, SNIFF, we CAN NEVER DO THIS AGAIN, UNTIL YOU'RE A VAMPIRE CHICK and can withstand the FORCE OF MY LOVIN."  

And I'm all--"those are her only bruises?  Pppffft...big deal.  In the book she was super bruised."

Not that I'm an advocate for chicks being bruised--no no, not at all.  I just want some continuity people.  Continuity.

Then one morning Edward goes out to eat some squirrels or something, and Bella hurks up the chicken she cooked for herself and finds out within minutes that she is PREGNANT!!!!

dum, dum DUUUUUUMMMMMMM!!!!

But wait!  Let's back up for a moment girls!  Bella knows this because her period was supposed to arrive RIGHT IN TIME FOR HER HONEYMOON!  Do you LOVE IT?  DO YOU FREAKING LOVE IT?  I think we've been over this before girls.  You know how many times I've talked about this happening.  

Oh, wait, I'm taking away from one of the best plot twists ever!  Bella wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant from a dead undead dude, and who KNOWS what the hell is growing rapidly inside her!  

DEATH!  DEAAAAATH! WOOOOOOOOO!  SCARY!

Just to make things fun, the fetus demon thing is growing super fast, so THE GOOD NEWS is she only has to be pregnant for like a few weeks.  SCORE!  Who wouldn't want that?!?  BECAUSE NINE MONTHS IS A LITTLE LONG, DON'T YOU THINK?

The bad news is is that the thing inside her is freakishly strong and is sucking out her vital essence, and NOOOOBODY can even see what the baby looks like, including CARLISLE, EDWARD'S ADOPTIVE FATHER WHO HAPPENS TO BE A DOCTOR, because the placenta is like it's made out of rock, and Carlisle can't see through that with all his fancy shmancy ultrasound equipment he has in his home.  

Wait--let's talk about Carlisle for a minute:


This is how he looks in the movies.  He's a super bland character who you really don't give much of a crap about.  He has a very terrible, stupid mannequin looking wig on, and whenever there's a scene with him, all you can think about is how disappointingly bad his hair is.  Also, his acting is kind of like this:




I mention this because in the books he's supposed to be devastatingly handsome.  I mean, the whole family is supposed to be so superior in the looks department, because being a vampire makes you gorgeous and appealing to your prey, right?  But he just looks YUCK.  

And this is what he really looks like:



SWEET MOTHER OF SNACK CAKES THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS!!!!  So, if this is the way he really looks, how come they had to make him look like the powdered plastic man?

See?  See?  PUT MORE MONEY INTO MAKING THE MOVIES, TWILIGHT POWERS THAT BE.


Hoo...nothing wrong with that last photo.

Oh wait...do we even care about the rest of the movie, because I totally want to talk about bad hair, and crop my head into a few more key shots.  

Sigh.  Okay, fine.  I'll sum things up.  So, Bella becomes more and more repulsive in the movie--super scary thin and all circles under the eyes and gaunt and GOLLUM and just plain hideous, thanks to some nifty computer animation tricks.  Like, she looks so gross it will make you feel slightly nauseated.  And Edward's super FURIOUS at her because he would rather she TERMINATE her death-sentence pregnancy than let THAT THING kill her, and Jacob is all in tears too because he WUVS Bella.

OH BUT WAIT!  This is the gayest thing of all.  Jacob's WOLF PACK have decided that THEY have to kill Bella's unborn child thingy, so there's this scene in the movie that is SO ridiculous.  So over the top. So filled with unbelievably bad special effects that my sister and I were nearly in tears of laughter.

I can hardly even do it justice in my description, but picture if you will, all of the super-large wolves gathered in a standoff, Jacob versus the rest of his pack.  They're all snarling at each other, but we, the lucky viewers, get to hear how they all share THOUGHTS.  So, they're all "it has to be killed!" and Jacob is all "NO I WON'T ALLOW IT" and then the pack leader speaks, and this INCREDIBLY STUPID VOICE fills the WHOLE CINEMA.  But where is the voice coming from?  Here?  There?  EVERYWHERE?  MY OWN HEAD?  

No, I can't even talk about it anymore.  You would just have to see it for yourself and experience it in SURROUND SOUND.  

Okay, blah blah, Bella FINALLY has the baby just as the little dickens has snapped her spine in half, and broken several ribs, and basically destroyed her body in the most horror-film type way.  Little baby is born, and is given the most stupidly stupid name that has ever been created, and what do you know, she's super cute!  

AND IN THE MEANTIME, we're not really sure, but we think that Edward had to actually bite Bella's stomach open with his teeth.  His really blunt teeth, because there is nary a fang to be seen in any of these Twilight films.  So, while Edward and Jacob are admiring the be-slimed new baby girl, Bella is basically kicking the bucket BIG TIME.

NOOOO!  BELLA! YOU MUST NEVER LEAVE EDWARD!  EDWARD, QUICK, INJECT VAMPIRE VENOM DIRECTLY INTO HER DYING HEART!  NOOO!  NOOO!  IT'S NOT WORKING!  JUST FREAKING BITE HER THEN, EDWARD!

So that is what Edward does.  He bites her.  Again and again. He bites her neck, her arms, her leg, and each time it makes this good MUNCH noise, and my sister and I are crying again, because I said that Edward has turned Bella into a COB OF CORN.  

Tension, tension, will it work or is it too late....the venom does the trick and Bella, though in a coma, becomes MORE AND MORE GORGEOUS right before our very eyes.  Then they do one of those extreme closeups...

...Bella opens her eyes!

...THEY'RE BRIGHT RED!

Cue credits.

And a good time was had by all!  


Phew!  Now lets talk about hair.  We are particularly disgusted with Jasper, who is Edward's "brother" in the movie.  His hair is so incredibly bad it just makes us angry.  



Let us celebrate JASPER:

Epic hair fail # 1.  Remember:  we're supposed to believe the Cullens are all incredibly good looking.  Not with THAT lid, buddy.

Epic hair fail #2  Aw hell naw


Epic hair fail #3.  Love this scene. It's from one of the other movies.  You know--when Bella gets the paper cut and Jasper is overcome by blood lust and the need to SHRED HER?  What terrible, stupid hair.



And speaking of hair, when Bella is made a vampire, she gets to remain 18 and beautiful forever.  Ah, isn't that nice?  So then it made me think...what if I had to be 18 forever?  This would be very bad:





Edward:  "Oh my god...what have I done?  I have to spend an ETERNITY with those FREAKING GIANT BANGS....and those eyebrows!  Mon dieu, those eyebrows...."


See what's happening here?  Edward is actually ECLIPSED (ha ha, pun intended--get it, Twi-geeks?) by my bad 80's hair!  I think it would be way better if I were about 31.  I was much cuter when I was 31.  Then I had two kids, and now I just look tired all the time.  See?  31 would be perfect.


And so, my friends, I have made you suffer through the movie just as I suffered through the movie.  But didn't we have FUN!?!






Can't wait for PART 2!





33 comments:

  1. you know why all those guys were at the movie...they know that the chances of getting some lurvin' will go up by like 200% by the time bella goes demon. the hair in the last picture kind of looks hobbit like maybe he is really jasper baggins.

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  2. You paid money to watch that crap?

    I like your pictures way better and your version of it and I did not pay a dime.

    I cannot believe people watch that weird stuff.

    by the way my daughter watched it online.

    I know you love it but, somehow I am really glad I did not see it.

    HAHAHAA. YOur pictures are way awesome. and when you said edward was chewing bella like a cob of corn......well that was the best part.

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  3. BEST MOVIE REVIEW EVER! Seriously, awesomely, hilariously awesomely awesome. This movie review is like a cob of corn!

    Sarah xxx

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  4. i haven't seen it & don't expect that i ever will, but now i'll be able to speak semi-intelligently as if i know something about the story line. and i actually laughed out loud when you said that he turned her into a cob of corn. lmao! i can just hear the munching sound in my head and picture him devouring her while spinning her rapidly like in a cartoon.

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  5. Thank you Miss Paula. The Jasper Baggins comment has made my day.

    Yeah, you're totally right about the increased chance of lovin'. Well played, men. Well played.

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  6. ha ha ha ha ha...Melissa! Yeah, the only reason I see those movies is because I read the books. And the books were good pool-side fodder. Otherwise, in my opinion, the books just do not translate this MAGICAL LOVE AFFAIR.

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  7. Thanks Sarah! Cobs of corn for everyone!

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  8. Sherilin, that scene was supposed to be tense, but once again it was pure cheese. I can't tell you the number of times my sis and I were crying with laughter when it was clearly supposed to be moving and such.

    See? Aren't you glad you have me, and now you never have to get suckered in to seeing the movie! Hooray!

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  9. You skipped the cheesy 'fight scene' - the ONLY reason I would care about the film. Typical woman skipping the fight scene. You think that ONE of the vampires would have lost an arm or leg to those snarling wolves, but nooo! Other wolves come to save the day. The fight scene was like a superhero movie where no one actually gets HURT. Sucky. Pun intended. Goodnight.

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  10. Matt, how could I have forgotten that scene! It was SO LAME. SO, SO LAME. Maybe it was so inconsequential it just completely slipped out of my brain. Was anyone even tense????

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  11. Turned her into a corn on the cob. I'm still cracking up over here about that. Oh Lord, those movies are the best to watch drunk so you can make fun of them. And to think they made millions on them. Millions!!!

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  12. Funniest post ever! I'm crying with laughter! I have read the books, but I could barely stomach the first movie, so I haven't seen any of them since. Hilariously bad!

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  13. Lizbeth, that is exactly my complaint: they make a shitload of money on these films and they still SO STINK!
    I mean, COME ON!! Shouldn't they have the most amazing budget???

    But yeah, drunk films are good films!

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  14. Why thank you Tessa! How nice of you to say :) Yes, the movies are so awful, they're super fun! I mean, that's if you go to the movies on cheapie night--otherwise it's not so fun if you've spent nearly twenty bucks on your ticket.

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  15. I'm weeping... truly weeping.

    BTW, I figure ALL the Cullens (minus Eddie) are super lame.

    *wiping tears away*

    aim

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  16. "Corn on the Cob" = hilarious.
    Plus, I have some plumber friends and their business is called B&E Plumbing. That has a whole new meaning now. (I will definitely be teasing them.)

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  17. I just have to tell you how amazingly awesome this post is. I was chained to my desk all afternoon working on my latest hate mail to our school district and otherwise working like a dog around the house when I finally took a break and read this post. And I'm so glad I did, even though I don't give a rat's petutie about these movies, because you made me laugh. Even though writing that hate mail made me feel really un-laugh-y. So thanks for pulling me back from the ledge. And possibly keeping me out of federal prison.

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  18. So what was the baby's name?

    I havent watched nor read any of these...but i would gladly read your reviews of each!

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  19. Yeah Aimee, you hate the Cullens! I don't know if you hate Alice or Jasper more! Wait, this convo is revealing us for the NERDS we are...

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  20. dbs: maybe they should change it too "B&E" True Love Plumbing? The customers could feel all warm and snuggy then.

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  21. Grace, I'm glad I could keep you out of prison. See? One doesn't have to LOVE Twilight, one just has to enjoy making fun of it :)

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  22. Steph, they named the baby RENESMé, after Bella's mother René and Edward's "mother" Esme (pronounced Es-may, so the baby is Ruhnesmay).

    Just stick with me, and you won't even have to read them/watch them! Hooray!

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  23. Your right, that is a dumb name...
    Heres my confession>>i watched teh first liek 15 mintues of the very first movie...until I saw her stupid orange truck...my brother in law has the same dumb truck...i hate it so much...ruined the movie for me and i turned it off. I told my bro in law he should sell teh truck to a teenaged girl...he could make a mint off it>>>drive a truck just like Bellas.

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  24. Steph you realise what a hilariously nutty reason that is to have been turned off by the movie, no? Ha! Love it.

    Maybe I'd feel the same if it looked like my dad's truck. I'm traumatized by that thing after driving it up a busy road in the morning after a snow storm.

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  25. ha ha ha! love this post, so on the money, I was thinking just about all the same things! Why are the Cullens so ugly? Why did he sound like a cartoon dog biting on something (reminded me of the puppy scooby-doo cartoon from when we were kids!). The special effects are generally good (aside from the too much cgi wolves) but the acting so so bad, even the script interpretation is bad - if you haven't read the books how on earth could you follow what was going on? ohh - but nevertheless, I enjoyed mocking it all the same!

    And I loved the house they use for the Cullens - imagine living there. Hseaven.

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  26. I was really needing a new blog entry after another looooong day. But (sigh), not to be! Hope everything is okay.

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  27. I've never read the books or seen any of the movies, but I am pretty sure your fucking awesome interpretation did it justice. I don't know what was funnier, your hilarious chopping of the story line or your face photo-shopped on the pictures. This is an epic post!

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  28. Christy, everything you said is so true. Such ugly Cullens. Or--they made them look ugly thanks to lame makeup.

    Yes, the house is really cool, but it would creep the hell out of me at night. All those windows and no view but black and CREEPS AND BAD GUYS??? Ugh. Couldn't do it. Could you?

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  29. Okay, okay Matt :) I've been Christmas shopping. I do a lot of it at Zellers, where only five other people shop! It makes me so happy there. Not that I can find EVERYTHING I need...but who cares!

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  30. hee hee hee...thanks Paula! I loves me some head cropping.

    It's fun to make fun of bad movies!

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