Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Saturday, January 7, 2012


I have to confess something.

Have you guys heard of a show called JERSEYLICIOUS?

Well, I'm OBSESSED with it.  I love it.  I don't watch a lot of tv, but I freaking love this stupid, melodramatic, over-the-top show.  I have to tell you about it, and damn it, you HAVE to listen!

Oh, don't waa waa at me. I'm not going to bore you to death telling you all about the episodes, or how Tracy spit in Olivia's face out front of Sonic, or how Frankie is trying to win Gigi's heart again...

Wait, you don't give a shit.  Oh just be patient for crap's sake.


Okay, karen, so what the hell is this show, you're asking?  What?!?  You haven't heard of it??? You haven't WATCHED IT!?!?  Oh, I am weeping.  You've been wasting all your time on Jersey Shore, right?

Jerseylicious is an American "docusoap" which follows a group of salon workers around, and is set, obviously, in New Jersey.  The girls on the show are CRAMMED with attitude, have NO PROBLEM with self confidence, have many cat fights, always dress like it's Friday night, and wear fantastical, unbelievable, inconceivable amounts of MAKEUP.

No, seriously--it's a LOT OF MAKEUP.  Check it out:


Tracy (source)

Olivia and Tracy LOATHE each other.

Gigi (source)

Gigi's boyfriend Frankie

I have to admit it. I find Frankie a little hot.  Strangely, because he has a super mobster crunchy ridiculous gel hairdo, but he's got that TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT BAYBEE attitude.  Tee hee!

Oh wait...we were talking about makeup...


Alexa is the salon's makeup artist, or "Glam Fairy" as she calls herself.  I think this means that she's like a fairy who comes and throws a SHOVEL FULL OF MAKEUP at your face, and VOILA! YOU ARE GLAMOROUS!

Okay, so there's a bunch of other people on the show, but who gives a shit.  You're only going to watch the show if you want to watch it.  And you're never going to love it like I do!

In fact, recently my kids went for a sleepover at their grandparents, so The Man and I got to go out for dinner.  Blah, blah, that was all very nice.  When we got home, I thought to myself:  "karen, the only thing that would make this evening more perfect would be if JERSEYLICIOUS was on TV."

And guess what!!!  IT WAS!  Sniff!  I'm going to shed a little tear, the memory is so beautiful.  It was even an episode I hadn't yet seen!

Okay, enough of this crap.  Let's get to the point shall we?  I am FASCINATED by the amount of makeup these young women wear.  I have been thinking about it all the time.  I mean, I have never worn that much makeup.  Even when I was a hooker that time for Hallowe'en, I still never wore that much makeup.  How does one even put on that much makeup?  What is involved in GETTING THAT MUCH FREAKING MAKEUP ON MY GRILL??!?!?

I had to find out.

So, I decided to do my own Jerseylicious makeover.  And I took photies!

You're welcome.

So, here's me with my fuzzy, shapeless, air-dried, squeaky clean hair, and usual amount of makeup, which is:  a little bit of foundation to even out blotchy skin, some eyeliner, a bit of eyebrow pencil and...well, looks like that's about it.

Straightened out the lid a bit.  I don't think Jerseylicious karen can have au naturel hair.

Okay, hair up and out of the last look at my ruddy complexion before I start SPACKLE-ING IT ON.

I have coated my face with some pancake-ish foundation, and as much mineral makeup as I could cram into my pores.  If there is one thing I have learned whilst watching them do makeup on the show, it is that any hint of natural skin is BAD.  GOT THAT GIRLS?  NATURAL SKIN TONE = BAD

You know what they talk about nearly every freaking episode?  THE SMOKEY EYE.  It's all SMOKEY EYE THIS, AND SMOKEY EYE THAT and OOO DON'T YOU WANT TO HAVE A SEXY, SMOKEY EYE LIKE THIS?   Smokey eye is actually code for: "shit ton of black eyeshadow."

Keep cramming on the eye makeup, karen.  The picture doesn't show that we added some purple sweeps at the outer corners for a FOXY LOOK

See that?  Sexy, right?  Like I PUNCHED myself with glamour!

Next:  eyebrows weren't HAPPENIN' enough, so I took the brow pencil to them again.  Oh, and I added some blush.  Then I added some more blush.  Then I kept swirling in more and more blush.  Then I wondered just how much f*cking blush they put on on the show in order to get that LOOK AT ME, I'M WEARING SOME F*CKING BLUSH look.  I think I have achieved that look.

Notice the light coming in to the bathroom at this point?  The GODS OF GLAM are smiling down upon me.  Is it because I'm wearing SO MUCH FREAKING BLUSH AND EYESHADOW, or is it because I've just lined my lips in a dark-ish lip pencil for maximum sluttay-ness??

Is it just me, or does anyone else think this is starting to look creepy?

Oh goody!  I've added some oo-ey goo-ey dewy pale pink lipstick.  My lips now feel disgusting.  Are you digging my SMOKEY EYES?


But wait...that hair is awfully flat.  There's  not even any hairspray on it.  No self-respecting Jersey girl would ever go out with such lank, FLAT hair.  

Luckily, I have a solution!

BUMPITS™!!!  ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS I AM?  HUH? HUH?  Oh come ON!  Surely you've seen that Bumpits™ commercial, have you  not?  You know--the girl with the stupid, natural hair goes from DRABULOUS to FABULOUS in minutes!  All she has to do is tease her hair and stick the plastic thingy there, smooth the hair over top, and POOF!  SHE IS FABULOUS!

Ha ha ha ha...what a stupid product!  The only reason I bought it was because it was two bucks at the local dollar store.

See?  It's EVERYTHING I need:  hair moon thingy, and teasing comb!  Who's excited?


they wear a LOT of jewellery on the show.  I mean, they cram that crap on.  I had to really root through my jewellery box.  Luckily I had kept this bracelet from the 90's.  BOO YAH!  Is it gaudy enough???  Oh, I also fished out the biggest hoop earrings I own....

Also, that pink MOM HOODY had to go.  Yes, it was pink, but it was way too conservative.  But...I don't really have any good "BAR clothes", so a tank top with rhinestones on it will have to suffice.

Ta-da!  Ignore that bra strap peeking out, and feast your eyes instead on THE FACE.

But wait....the Bumpit™ is good, and all, but something is missing.  Something is just not quite DELICIOUS enough.



I had hair that long once.  Sigh.  Frowny face.

Oh, it also helps to make some really slutty face.  It's the face that makes the men folk take notice!

Here's another stupid face you need to make.  It's the "I can't remember where I put my brain down" face.  Charming, no?

The "I'm in love with my fourteen dollar hair and I'm in love with ME" face.

The "Everything is SO awesome, I smile with my teeth open!" face.

Wait...this is starting to not be very fun anymore...

I feel like I'm wearing a coat.  On my face.  I just want to wash this shit off now.  I really, really want to wash my face.  This was a stupid idea.

oh god.  Get this CRAP OFF MY FACE

and there you have it.  A solid half hour, and one hell of a lot of makeup.


Ah, back to my usual scant amount of makeup.  What--you were expecting a completely scrubbed face?  Pppft!  Are you people INSANE?!?  I'M PUSHING FORTY!

Still, I like THIS regular old karen much, much better.

Wasn't that fun?!?


  1. As an official Jersey girl, I must say I am impressed!!! The smallest hooker hoop earrings I own are a teensy bit bigger than yours, though.

    I find it hilarious that you even get Jerseylicious in Canada. Awesome.

  2. HAA!! You've been to my blog right - you know I wear ten times more makeup than that! And WAAAY bigger earrings... and A ZILLION more jewellery! But keep trying, one day you might look as tacky as me... if you practice eeevery day.

    I love your pictorial. Especially love third pic from the bottom. That's the face I get about ten minutes after entering a shopping centre.

    Sarah xxx

  3. I still can't believe that they celebrate ANYTHING "Jersey". [sigh] Anway, the smokey eye thing was KEWL, but the blush might as well have been a 'crazy' stamp on your face.

    The funniest was the 'where did I put my brain down' look. Classic!

  4. I have seen this show and it is funny, they each think they are just so important. So funny that you slapped all that makeup and took pictures of the process. I think that stars, especially older ones have so much make up on that in person it must look awful.

  5. the part that was sad,is that the thing that would make the date complete was that tacky-ass show!?i know we have been married for a while and are nearing the big 40, but i am sure a good roll in the hay would have been a better way to cap off the evening,sans kids. i lurv makeup, but oh my that much is just wrong and it makes everyone look way older too.

  6. Now Karen, is it a BAD thing that I find your dumb-is-sexy photo strangely alluring? Yes, that is bad, I do apologise...
    This post made me chuckle right out loud while at the swimming pool (I was supposed to be watching the kids' lessons,, but you were MUCH more entertaining!)
    Karen-licious indeed! xxxxxxx

  7. wow you clean up really good! YOu look really *HOt* and younger! seriously.......that was a fun transformation......and how did you know how to put all that makeup on correctly?

  8. PS. I like this post SO much I've done a linky thingy from my blog. Your fame will spread even further now! xxxx

  9. hilarious but....

    the best picturs are the first one and the last one

    welcome back

    and if you ever think about doing this again? fuggeduhboutit

  10. Karenlicious, why are you doing this to me? I promise promise promise myself not to blog or read blogs over the weekend. And this is like the third time that you put something hilarious out on Saturday or Sunday. I can't keep ignoring you like this. Please, don't let the others know that I'm here or I'm in serious trouble.
    Okay, I don't watch any of those shows but I got to tell you that you looked really good. Sure, I love the Non-glam Karen but the trashy one was too cool to. It's like you had a twin that wasn't adopted by a WASP-y Family and she let all Hell break loose. Kind of like the Bizaro-Karen, if I may.
    You really go all out to make me laugh. You are doing this just for me, right? Of course right! But know this, I really appreciate it. I take off my "funny" hat to you. You win!
    p.s. I'm a little drunk while typing this. Please excuse any typos and of course, the rambling. For some reason, I don't know when to stop when I'm drunk.

  11. I saw that show once and I was so confused---I couldn't keep them all straight!

    And gurl, you are hot, Hot, HOT!!!

  12. you make one hot hootchie mama! the transformation was delightful & i really liked the long ponytail extension. did you buy it just for this?! if you did, that's some serious blogging dedication for your fans.
    sometimes when i'm washing my eye makeup at night & i get the black smudged thoroughly around my eyes really thick, i think i look kind of like i've done a dramatic, smokey eye on myself while drunk. it really brings out the blue. =)
    now you're making me want to do this too, but i can't be a copycat unless you make it a meme. then we can all be copycats, including some of your male readers. i think that would be delightful!

  13. btw, i like that show too, but cant watch it when my husband is around. he'd be seriously docking my cool points.
    alexxa is a total dork! she takes herself so seriously like she's a goddess and yet she's just a shallow little girl like the rest of them. ick. and yet i watch them all on the sly.
    did i mention that i was born in nj? i lived my first year and a half there. does that qualify me for jersey girl status?

  14. "I feel like I'm wearing a coat. On my face." That actually made me pee a bit! Oh dear woman, thank you for the giggles! And thanks for reminding me what I wore daily in highschool!Hey. Do you think they're stuck in an 80's time warp? Shit, it was bad fashion the first time around! It ain't gonna be any better 30 years on!!! Too funny...

  15. Karen. You are the best.

  16. Thank God I am not manly enough to watch JERSEYLICIOUS.

  17. Grace, you said HOOKER HOOP EARRINGS! That made me impressed. I'm obsessed with all things Jersey. TV makes it look so much more interesting than HERE.

  18. Yeah, but Sarah, I've been thinking about this every since I read your comment, and you always look AWESOME, and you have amazing style. The only reason I don't have a million bangle bracelets, is because apparently my hands are shaped like SPATULAS and I can get them on, but in order to get them off, I SHRED my hands.

  19. MATT YOU KILLED ME! You said it was a like a CRAZY STAMP on my face! Oh, you are truly awesome.

    I thought you'd appreciate the "where did I put my brain down" face somehow :)

  20. Alaina, I think you are right! Especially at Oscars time--I bet they have it CRAMMED ON.

    Yuck. Doesn't skin need to breathe????

  21. Paula! YES! YOU NOTICED THAT!!!! HA HA HA HA! I was going to put a part in the post about you guys assuming I would want to MAKE SWEET LOVE ALL NIGHT LONG.

    Bah. Nuts to that. Jerseylicious was on!

    You're right--that makeup WAS aging. Also, it actually made my face look fatter and my nose humongous. Lose, lose, lose.

  22. Curtise, at least that photo came off as being somewhat alluring, even though it was RIDICULOUS! Thanks. I'm glad I gave you a chuckle.

    Also, thank you so much for linking to me on your blog! I'm pleased and very honored. I'm glad you enjoyed my shenanigans as much as I did :)

  23. Thanks Melissa! Well, here's a little secret: of the various SECRET PROFESSIONS I daydream about, I've always wanted to be a makeup artist. If they had a college course nearby, I'd probably take it. It goes against my overall crusty, pseudo-feminist outlook, but I've always found makeup interesting.

  24. Oh Lance. Lance, Lance, Lance. We both know I'll be doing something just as if not more stupid than this in the future.

  25. Hey Mark, you know what my FAVOURITE part is though? That even though you said you wouldn't READ blogs on the weekend, there you were logging in to blogger anyway. YOU ARE SUCH A WHORE ADMIT IT! ADMIT IT!

    Hee hee!

    Yeah, there's a trashy side deep, deep, deep down. Somewhere under the giant pink cotton underpants.

  26. Lizbeth, just think of it this way: fight, fight, fun insane fashion, more fighting, fascinating amounts of makeup!

    There! It's a show you can watch with cocktails!

    Thanks, I thought thought that I was YUCK YUCK YUCK!

  27. Sherilin, you know I love you. I'm so delighted you know all about the show too. Yes! Isn't Alexa PSYCHOTIC!?!? She has the juiciest hoots I've ever seen.

    But that's not what we're talking about.

    Okay, hair confession: I've wanted some fake hair for ages. I have no idea why. So, I bought it because a) it was New Year's eve, b) my sister was horrified when she saw me petting the fake hair in the store a couple months back, and c) I am a total whore for my blog. Har har har har!


  28. Sherilin: OH OH! I ALMOST FORGOT! That is a wicked awesome idea. It should be a MEME! The KARENLICIOUS MEME. Are you up for it? That would be RIGHT ON.

  29. YEAH THANKS JESSICA! I've been dying to do that for weeks. Isn't that sad? Yeah, it's sad.

  30. Leanne, you've made a WONDERFUL point about the 80's time warp thing: seriously! Let's think about it: big clothes, big hair, big jewellery, tons of makeup..


    there but for the lilac coloured lipstick is a total repeat of a hideous decade!!!

  31. you said she has juicy hoots! ha! but she does shove them up & then they jiggle about all too often. did you see the one where she planned a flashmob in the street & was totally freaking out?
    so how does one go about making a meme? because once the "life as a licious" meme comes to be, count me in! i love an excuse to put on too much makeup & take pics of myself. =)

  32. Ahh this was awesome Karen!
    I am cracking up! But seriously you were looking hot there!
    You are great at make-up and I love the lipstick the best!
    Never seen this show. I am addicted to Real housewives of Beverly Hills and New Jeresy (for that Italian in me)

  33. I didn't see that one yet, Sherilin, but I'm probably a couple of seasons behind. I just finished watching season 2, and thanks to the net, I see that Alexa has started up her own "glam factory" or something.

    Yes, should I call it the karenlicious meme and make something pink and swirly?

  34. Oh Flannery! SNIFF! You're better at charming the pants off me than The Man ;)

  35. Thanks Pam, and long time no see! I too enjoy The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but I've only JUST discovered the show, and don't seem to catch it on a regular basis just yet.

  36. you can call it whatever you want and something pink & swirly is absolutely in order. we're planning to do our make-overs tomorrow, so get out of your blahs & get that thing cranked out!

  37. It's time for me to make a t.v. series about my hometown. We used to come out of church and open our beer coolers and lean on the pickup bed and talk. That's good religion. I wonder whether they still do that.

  38. Karen, you are flippin HILARIOUS! I love the 'sexy' faces, you'd fit right in Jersey Town! You also look very much like the Valley-folk here in Southern California. It's basically the exact same look - you just replace "fuggetaboutit" with, "like, fer-sure"

    PS - I'm not from Jersey, but I love me some smoky eyes. Nothing else though. Where do you even GET pancake makeup?

  39. It's like Jersey Shore with adults :-) Great Jerseover too!

  40. Okay Sherilin, tonight I will craft up some sort of badge thingo.

  41. Fred, could you PLEASE write more stuff about that then, because it sounds SUPER INTERESTING! I don't think there's that much of interest going on here...people are even shunning church...but never shunning beer.

    Nah--there's no SHOW in that. What will it be? "We all wear ball caps, like hockey, barbecuing, going to the cottage and drinking beer??? Ppft...big deal.

  42. thanks Vesta! I'm glad you enjoyed my SUPER SEXAY faces.

    Actually, since I moved back home, I've become even MORE relaxed about my appearance. When I was in Suburban Hell, it was much more about THE LOOK. Now I feel dressed up in dark denim.

  43. Karen! We can combine your look, with the Jersey idea, with Fred's idea! We'll call it 'Bridge St. Confessions'. After church, the characters brag about their exploits, with flashbacks to the drama on Bridge Street. Guaranteed hit!

  44. Hrm + Bridge Street = crazy combo that nobody could resist! Would I be the only one walking around town with THAT amount of makeup on? Even more than the hookers, I dare say!!

  45. Oh Darling... THAT made my mascara run! lol Thanks for the giggles... xoxo

  46. You are so freakin funny! I stumbled across your post and I love it! I'm adding you to my faves list!
    The makeup story is so so true. I work at a cosmetics company and I know what the models look like before all the makeup goes on. Yes, they look better but do they look like themselves? Um, NO. I'm going to copy you (the sincerest for of flattery) and cake on the makeup and take pictures to watch the transformation. Oh boy, this is gonna be fun!
    Check my blog ( and you'll see how it turned out. Of course, I'll mention you as the source of the idea. Keep on keepin' on!

  47. Thanks Elizabeth! I'm flattered but more than that I'm SUPER EXCITED that you're going to CAKE ON SOME FACE!!!

    What's it like working at a cosmetics company? It sounds glamourous, but since 99% of all jobs suck, maybe it's just another job.

    I'm leaping on over to your blog now....


I lurv comments. Thank you for the comments. They are scrumptious.


Related Posts with Thumbnails