You would be wrong.
I'm in total f*cking pain.
Do you see that little side counter there on the left pane of my blog? The one that tells how
Well, all of that is freaking me out now. Here is the problem:
I JUST came back from the Christmas/New Years break. It was a really nice 2 weeks. In fact, it was the nicest time I have had at home with the kids in, well, EVER. Normally they're bored the minute school has ended, and they're either ripping each other apart on the area rug, or they're ordering me around, or Jack is just generally HORRENDOUS, and we're trapped because he has invented some arbitrary rule that we never go out and do anything BEFORE dinner.
Very little of this happened though. The kids were good and happy and very pleasant to be around. I slept in till 9:30 EVERY DAY. I finished reading my book. It was Voyager by Diana Gabaldon by the way. I am still unsure why a book needs to be 1060+ pages long. Seriously--do you just love your characters THAT MUCH? You can't stop talking about them? You just want to live in their world? You tried to keep the book to 900 pages, but that was simply impossible?
Oh, I did the bare minimum of laundry for that two weeks. That basically means: the UNDERWEAR LOAD. I went back to my bad habit of eating next to nothing for lunch, or all day, and then eating too much dinner. I tried to redeem myself by throwing the bag of mini carrots on the table with whatever crap we were eating. I went for ONE POWER WALK. One. I did NOT lift any weights. I did NOT huff and puff around the neighbourhood.
There would be DAYS IN A ROW in which I did NOT go outside. Fruits and veg started to become a memory. My "bathroom" schedule began to disappear. I drank hardly any liquid that didn't have the word "Baileys", "Amaretto" or "Canadian Club" on the label. I stayed up till 1:00 every night (morning), and not 10:30.
In other words, it was WONDERFUL AND HORRIBLE.
And finally, I capped off the last night of the break with a CELEBRATION OF POLISH FOOD, had my dad and sister over and we ate an ass load of pierogi and some really fantastic Polish pork shish kebobs.
And I have to tell you, I felt TERRIBLE: bloaty, gassy, exhausted, DEPRESSED, overwhelmed, disgusted with myself, and as soon as the kids went back to school I turned into THE HEADLESS CHICKEN, scuttling around in a frenzy to get back to my pre-break self.
Because pre-break? I was KICKING ASS. I was out there, power-walking for over half an hour EVERY MOTHERTRUCKING DAY, and then I was lifting weights when I got home, and I was eating teeny meals all day, and drinking WATER (yech), and going to bed and getting enough sleep EVERY NIGHT.
I had my yearly physical just before the break and I was all "YEAH, I FEEL GREAT. I DON'T EVEN FEEL THAT TIRED ANYMORE AND I EXERCISE ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I AM AWESOME NOW. DON'T YOU THINK I'M AWESOME? COME ON, WHILE YOU'RE UP THERE DOING MY PAP ANYWAY, TAKE A GOOD LOOK UP MY CROTCH AND YOU'LL SEE MY AWESOME CORE, I'M SURE."
If you know me, you'll know that this was like a KAREN RENAISSANCE. I am not a very energetic person, naturally. Never have been. I could happily sit and read a book ALL DAY and then eat dinner, read some more and then hit the sack. No problem. I have to fight this. So, I was trucking around actually feeling GOOD for the first time in about a zillion years, and then I got
DERAILED by the Christmas break. Thank god I hardly baked anything.
Let's take a look:
That's me on New Year's Eve ALL SUPER GLAM with my FOURTEEN DOLLAR FAKE HAIR. If you look carefully you can see my cocktail on the shelf beside me. It may be sparkling wine. Sparkling wine is a terrible thing to drink when you've just had an hors d'oeuvres orgy.
And here is New Year's Day:
WARNING! THESE NEXT PHOTOS MAY BE DISTURBING TO SOME VIEWERS
|hi karen! I see you've got YOUR BAGS PACKED|
|THIS IS WHAT "TIRED" ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE|
|I had to take another one, because those first couple made me feel nauseous|
|Oh yeah--here's me making yummy sausage meat balls. It doesn't really have anything|
to do with this post, but I wanted to show you my BITCHIN' NEW YEAR'S EVE
FINGERNAILS! AH YEAH, DO YOU LURV IT BITCHES???
By the time the New Year rolled around, things were getting pretty bad around here. The housework was REALLY starting to pile up:
|The Man did the dishes after I whined and cried a bit. What a doll!|
|(see? see? You people didn't believe me when I say I get THAT bloated during PMS time. Look at that massive other chin! MY GOD THAT THING IS HIDEOUS! Yes, that's right--I also had PMS for the last part of the break.)|
I eventually gave up.
Yuck. That was gross.
Let's cleanse the palette with a gratuitous glamour shot:
|Oh THERE YOU ARE, karen! Say, karen, who's that really ugly fat chick|
in those other pics who kinda looks like you?
Phew. Self-esteem almost back in place.
Anyhoo, so as soon as the kids went back to school, as I was saying, I turned into a total retard, and tried to FAST TRACK my way back to the fit, succulent karen I was BEFORE the break. That means I've been doing laundry LIKE AN IDIOT, and I POWERWALKED YESTERDAY, OH YES, I SURE DID, and then I went for another walk when I took my daughter to school after lunch,
but that wasn't quite enough,
so I came home and lifted some weights and did LUNGES AND SQUATS. I was even making NOISES LIKE A CHAMPION. You know--like how the lady tennis players sound when they WHACK THAT FREAKING BALL?!? Yeah, I was making those sounds:
And today I can barely climb the stairs. Oh my freaking quadriceps. I won't tell you the noises I've been making today whenever I have to, say for example, sit, or MOVE.
Is there any hope, my friends? ANY?!?!?!?