Sometimes life kicks you right in the poodle.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Mighty Thighs Of FIRE!!!

You might think that the title of this post means that I am sexy beyond belief.  That I am, in fact, a woman who is writing after she SATISFIED HER HUNGER FOR HER MAN and my SMOKING HOT LOINS ARE STILL STEAMING AND...

You would be wrong.

I'm in total f*cking pain.

Do you see that little side counter there on the left pane of my blog?  The one that tells how few many days I have left until I turn the big FOUR-OH?  And do you remember me talking about my great 'FIT TO FORTY' campaign of more broccolies and power walks, and less peanut butter toasts and good times?

Well, all of that is freaking me out now.  Here is the problem:

I JUST came back from the Christmas/New Years break.  It was a really nice 2 weeks.  In fact, it was the nicest time I have had at home with the kids in, well, EVER.  Normally they're bored the minute school has ended, and they're either ripping each other apart on the area rug, or they're ordering me around, or Jack is just generally HORRENDOUS, and we're trapped because he has invented some arbitrary rule that we never go out and do anything BEFORE dinner.

Very little of this happened though.  The kids were good and happy and very pleasant to be around.  I slept in till 9:30 EVERY DAY.  I finished reading my book.  It was Voyager by Diana Gabaldon by the way.  I am still unsure why a book needs to be 1060+ pages long.  Seriously--do you just love your characters THAT MUCH?  You can't stop talking about them?  You just want to live in their world?  You tried to keep the book to 900 pages, but that was simply impossible?

Oh, I did the bare minimum of laundry for that two weeks.  That basically means: the UNDERWEAR LOAD.  I went back to my bad habit of eating next to nothing for lunch, or all day, and then eating too much dinner.  I tried to redeem myself by throwing the bag of mini carrots on the table with whatever crap we were eating.  I went for ONE POWER WALK.  One.  I did NOT lift any weights.  I did NOT huff and puff around the neighbourhood.

There would be DAYS IN A ROW in which I did NOT go outside.  Fruits and veg started to become a memory.  My "bathroom" schedule began to disappear.  I drank hardly any liquid that didn't have the word "Baileys", "Amaretto" or "Canadian Club" on the label.  I stayed up till 1:00 every night (morning), and not 10:30.

In other words, it was WONDERFUL AND HORRIBLE.

And finally, I capped off the last night of the break with a CELEBRATION OF POLISH FOOD, had my dad and sister over and we ate an ass load of pierogi and some really fantastic Polish pork shish kebobs.

Blech.

And I have to tell you, I felt TERRIBLE:  bloaty, gassy, exhausted, DEPRESSED, overwhelmed, disgusted with myself, and as soon as the kids went back to school I turned into THE HEADLESS CHICKEN, scuttling around in a frenzy to get back to my pre-break self.

Because pre-break?  I was KICKING ASS.  I was out there, power-walking for over half an hour EVERY MOTHERTRUCKING DAY, and then I was lifting weights when I got home, and I was eating teeny meals all day, and drinking WATER (yech), and going to bed and getting enough sleep EVERY NIGHT.

I had my yearly physical just before the break and I was all "YEAH, I FEEL GREAT.  I DON'T EVEN FEEL THAT TIRED ANYMORE AND I EXERCISE ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I AM AWESOME NOW.  DON'T YOU THINK I'M AWESOME?  COME ON, WHILE YOU'RE UP THERE DOING MY PAP ANYWAY, TAKE A GOOD LOOK UP MY CROTCH AND YOU'LL SEE MY AWESOME CORE, I'M SURE."

If you know me, you'll know that this was like a KAREN RENAISSANCE.  I am not a very energetic person, naturally.  Never have been.  I could happily sit and read a book ALL DAY and then eat dinner, read some more and then hit the sack.  No problem.  I have to fight this.  So, I was trucking around actually feeling GOOD for the first time in about a zillion years, and then I got

DERAILED by the Christmas break.  Thank god I hardly baked anything.

Let's take a look:






That's me on New Year's Eve ALL SUPER GLAM with my FOURTEEN DOLLAR FAKE HAIR.  If you look carefully you can see my cocktail on the shelf beside me. It may be sparkling wine.  Sparkling wine is a terrible thing to drink when you've just had an hors d'oeuvres orgy.

And here is New Year's Day:

WARNING!  THESE NEXT PHOTOS MAY BE DISTURBING TO SOME VIEWERS



hi karen!  I see you've got YOUR BAGS PACKED


THIS IS WHAT "TIRED" ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE

I had to take another one, because those first couple made me feel nauseous

Oh yeah--here's me making yummy sausage meat balls.  It doesn't really have anything
to do with this post, but I wanted to show you my BITCHIN' NEW YEAR'S EVE
FINGERNAILS!  AH YEAH, DO YOU LURV IT BITCHES???
Oh yes.  There's something truly magical about getting older:  when you have a few drinks, and live the life of a ROCKSTAR, it shows the next day.  Oh, how it shows.  You'll know exactly what I mean my not-yet-thirty-year-old little friends!  Oh yes you will!  Coochee coochee coo!  Whooz a cute widdle wrinkle-free young person?  You is!  Yes you is!

By the time the New Year rolled around, things were getting pretty bad around here.  The housework was REALLY starting to pile up:




The Man did the dishes after I whined and cried a bit.  What a doll!



(see?  see?  You people didn't believe me when I say I get THAT bloated during PMS time.  Look at that massive other chin!  MY GOD THAT THING IS HIDEOUS!  Yes, that's right--I also had PMS for the last part of the break.)


I eventually gave up.




SERENITY NOW!

Yuck.  That was gross.

Let's cleanse the palette with a gratuitous glamour shot:

Oh THERE YOU ARE, karen!  Say, karen, who's that really ugly fat chick
in those other pics who kinda looks like you?  


Phew.  Self-esteem almost back in place.

Anyhoo, so as soon as the kids went back to school, as I was saying, I turned into a total retard, and tried to FAST TRACK my way back to the fit, succulent karen I was BEFORE the break.  That means I've been doing laundry LIKE AN IDIOT, and I POWERWALKED YESTERDAY, OH YES, I SURE DID, and then I went for another walk when I took my daughter to school after lunch,

but that wasn't quite enough,

so I came home and lifted some weights and did LUNGES AND SQUATS.  I was even making NOISES LIKE A CHAMPION.  You know--like how the lady tennis players sound when they WHACK THAT FREAKING BALL?!?  Yeah, I was making those sounds:

lunge,  "UNNNNH!"

squat,  "UNNNNH!!!!!"

And today I can barely climb the stairs.  Oh my freaking quadriceps.  I won't tell you the noises I've been making today whenever I have to, say for example, sit, or MOVE.

Is there any hope,  my friends?  ANY?!?!?!?




29 comments:

  1. but doesn't that awful pain feel kind of good? in the way that is a precursor to health and strength.
    you go with you thighs of fire.
    and for the record, i can't say i've ever had the urge to ask anyone to look up my twat in search of my awesome core, healthcare professional or otherwise. you could always get a flashlight and a video camera and go search for it yourself...

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  2. I'm kind of annoyed by your new health and fitness kick. I too can sit happily on the couch with a good book, for HOURS, and blissfully fall asleep for MANY HOURS. Now I'm gonna be all by myself in my inertia.

    Damn it.

    IF I GO FOR A WALK TONIGHT AND TRIP AND KILL MYSELF, I AM SOOOOOO BLAMING YOU FOR THIS.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lost over 35lbs since Sept and I'm eating LOTS...haven't cut carbs but I do work out EVERYDAY including weights...I started logging my calories on this really cool site MyFitnessPal (rule is- you bite, you write). If you feel no pain, that is because you didn't work hard enough. Remember your brother in the basement when he was in his crazy work out days? lol

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  4. I was in such a horrid mood, until I read that post. I really needed that good laugh.

    I am with sherilin.....looking up the vag to see the core?????? holy mother, I laughed so hard.

    thanks for beign real and funny and by the way you are not fat.

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  5. Don't be too hard on yourself. It seriously damages your awesome core.

    Also? What Flannery said.

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  6. Oh ya, feel the burn. The burn is good. But don't workout too hard or you'll hurt yourself. Seriously. Around this time last year I tore an abdominal muscle working out, and it took six freaking months to heal. Suck-o.

    And, it sounds like you had a pretty fabulous break. People overindulge, it happens. Hey, you kept everyone in clean undies, so that's really all that counts!

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  7. LOL, I love the way you write. My little regimen break went from like, Thanksgiving through New Years. Thank Cod I only gained about 3 pounds. Sucks, but could have been worse considering all of the baking and EATING I accomplished in that month or so! If you get a sec, I tagged you in my Tuesday post. (SORRY! But I have to admit, it was kinda fun)

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  8. Sherilin, I can't remember the last time my leg muscles felt THIS BAD. I mean, I was glad I actually did something to work those large muscles, but MY GOD, THE PAIN!

    Yes...I should go check out my core of awesome!

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  9. Flannery, I would't call it "new." I kind of think of it more as that "old and loathsome acquaintance."

    I hope you survived your walk. I went for another walk tonight, and hobbled the last bit of it. Stupid destroyed legs.

    p.s. I'm pleased to hear there's someone else content with hours and hours of sitting. It warms my cockles.

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  10. Patty, that's awesome. I've noticed how great you look, and how your hard work is paying off.

    Yeah, I do that accountability thing with food, but I just don't write it down. I've done that in the past, and I've done the weight watchers points system thing. Honestly, my metabolism is so screwed after years and years of yo yo dieting, that all it takes is eating too much dinner and I could gain weight. I don't even eat all the shit I should be eating in order to feel truly guilty.

    Ah well, I've lost weight too, but since I don't weigh myself any longer, I feel it in the fit of my clothes :)

    Keep on truckin' to 40 with me sister!

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  11. Yeah Melissa--my AWESOME core.

    It's not as awesome as it was yet.

    Oh, I don't feel fat until I look at those pictures and see one hell of an extra chin.

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  12. Thank you Tumbleweed. You're right: I must think of my CORE.

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  13. Oh Vesta, I know, I know! I know Christmas is like that and all, but me so tired of the cycle of eating/self loathing that comes with the holidays (and winter in general).

    Oh, no worries about me tearing anything. I only did about 10 lunges total. I had weights and all, but seriously--is that sad or what?!?

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  14. You did Jessee? Thanks, I will check it out. If I don't pop by, seriously--remind me in a couple of days. I'm not kidding. My brain is that sieve-like.

    That's awesome about the 3 pound gain. I mean, it's not awesome, but that's nothing, right? It's 10 pounds that's the killer.

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  15. Oh you do make me laugh, right from MY awesome core. But I also feel a tad guilty now for sitting on my fat arse reading this when I could be doing laundry... or power walking. Or something.
    Hope the thigh burn is receding.
    You're gorgeous as your are, btw.

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  16. I totally have fake hair envy now. Love it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Karen, you make me remember being young (defined as under 40), and that helps me appreciate being almost old (defined as 70. It was like your break was a wallow in the nirvana of enjoying life. Now the Evil Taskmaster has come back in. Hmm, this might call for a different photo.

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  18. Overtraining is as common as overeating. Seriously. I have been training hard-core for many years. And I still overtrain when I change my workout. You should change your workout about every two or three weeks because your body gets more efficient and stops burning calories. Our evolutionary forebears decided that for us.

    One important thing that dawned on me about year ago is that I behave worse than I did when I was twenty. I used to think that I could eat and drink anything when I was twenty or twenty-five. Not true. And there is one simple reason. Money. When I was young, I simply didn't have the cash to drink and eat as I can now. When I was out of beer or ice cream, I just waited until I had more money to buy more. Now, I don't have to wait. I can buy anything I desire. So, to combat that, I just go mentally back twenty-five years and pretend that I can't afford it (beer or whatever). It's just pretending, but it works.

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  19. Thank you Curtise. You are TOO kind! Bah, there's a time to run around the neighbourhood like a moron, and there's a time to PARK THAT ASS IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER!

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  20. Everyone needs cheap, trashy FAKE hair Ms. Wombat. Everyone! Even if they just wear it while washing the dishes!!!!

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  21. Jeanne, the evil taskmaster sucks, but keeps me in line! I feel so much less depressed when I shun hedonism. Sigh. And then I yearn for hedonism.

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  22. thanks for the wisdom Fred. No, I'm not being a sarcastic jerk. I will bear this in mind, and do something every couple of weeks that will make me crawl up and down the stairs.

    I used to eat/drink some horrible stuff in my 20's with ZERO repercussions. I can NOT do that now!!!

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  23. I am totally inspired to wear one of my vintage hair pieces on my power walk today, Ms Karen.

    I make noises doing EVERYTHING: standing up (grunt!), sitting down (pppffftt!), squatting (ggrraafff!), standing up again (eeeerrrggghhhh!).

    I am almost 42 and I am awesome and you are awesome too, Young Un.

    Sarah xxx

    ReplyDelete
  24. Yes there is hope...my trick is to get INTO the fitness routine over Christmas break. Then when I am back to the boring routine, it does not include having to start a fitness routine on top of every other discipline!

    BTW, because of the new Y in town, I am starting to establish the 'wake up at 5:30 am before the household stirs, to start the day right' routine. And so, I understand the hints of former youth glory. Just hints, but I'll take them.

    I am frustrated that "Metabolism Matt" is not as responsive as when I new him in his late twenties. He used to work WITH me, not against me. Sigh...

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  25. Thanks Sarah! I look forward to seeing you in your awesome hair pieces!

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  26. METABOLISM MATT! That is wonderful! Yeah, no kidding Matt! Although I never had a time in my life that I can look back on and say "when I was x years old, I could eat ANYTHING I WANTED!" Oh well.

    Excellent holiday fitness plan, I must say. Oh, and my hat's off to you for being able to get up at 5:30. BLECH.

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    Replies
    1. I find it nearly impossible to get up at 5:30, even if it's for the greater good.

      Delete
  27. You are so awesome!!! Woo hoo! I've seen those piles - but they always smell like my kids, wow - you have some, too! I'm so humanized, thank you Karen for keeping it real and glamorized all the time here!! I love the aprons and applause to The Man - !! Glad he helped ( I am totally trusting that was not staged) !

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    Replies
    1. Christina, he actually did the dishes. SNIFF! Oh yeah, it's the GLAMOUR that's staged here!

      I made it through those piles though BOO YAH!!

      Delete

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