|You will be EXTREMELY tired on the Monday, Wednesday and Friday|
of EACH AND EVERY WEEK
Dig my horoscope for today:
Today, karen, you're probably feeling especially sexy and passionate. Don't be surprised if you find yourself browsing through catalogues with luxurious underwear or delicate fabrics! Erotic novels could also be very appealing to you. If you're currently involved, you'll probably want to spend the evening alone with your partner. If you aren't, don't be surprised if you pull in someone new! Either way, you'll probably attract admiring glances from strangers you pass on the street.
As freaking if.
Catalogues with luxurious underwear. Pppffft.
I'm re-writing this thing, RIGHT NOW.
Tonight, karen, you're feeling exceptionally burnt out. You will have reached your zenith of intolerance over children constantly shouting questions from other rooms. You will employ a new rule over this that says 'if you want to talk to someone and he/she is in another room, you must actually GO to that room and ask her/him in person.'
You probably were forced to go get groceries at a really retarded hour on a Friday night because you were out of MORE THAN ONE KEY ITEM, and if you plan to go bargain trolling through thrift stores with your sister tomorrow, you have no choice but to go to the heinous and evil Wal of Evil to get those groceries on a Friday night.
You had an upset tummy all week, and yesterday you may have had a mild but nagging pain in your right side ALL DAY. You concluded you had the following ailments:
1) a strangulated organ
2) ovarian cancer (duh, you always think that)
3) pancreatic cancer
No worries karen, it is probably just air bubbles caught in a mangled inner part of your body after they yanked out your gallbladder.
You have embarked on your 2 week PMS bloat, so your tummy is sticking out. You'll feel a strong urge to just wear the same cream coloured cotton shirt and black yoga pants today, because--f*ck it--choosing new outfits every day is both pointless,tedious and exhausting.
Tonight at dinner you were still nauseated by food, so you made fish sticks and broccoli for your daughter, and a tuna sandwich for yourself, because The Man was out of town.
Earlier in the week, there may have been a power outage in your area. This may or may not have wiped out the last 2 messages from your MOTHER on your answering machine, left not long before she died, which you managed to keep on there for nearly 2 years.
This will send you into a tailspin of bummer-dom
Take a break from those black yoga pants. Yes, they are the most comfortable pants known to MAN, and yes, they're a nice break from your jeans, but every day is a little much, don't you think?
Go outside and get some fresh air. Laundry is a job, not an accomplishment.