Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Obviously My Oscars Dress SHRUNK

As we all know, the Oscars were on two nights ago.  Blah blah blah, who cares.  After all, I can't remember the last time the Oscars had any movies up for awards that I was either excited about or rooting for.  In fact, that hasn't happened since Forrest Gump went up against Pulp Fiction.

I made it through 43 minutes of the actual awards ceremony before I had to turn, as I was mildly revolted by a) overpaid people who act in shitty movies wearing wonderful free sparkly things, and b) so much simpering and crying and hyperventilating, and really, really dull thank you speeches.

You're not saving lives here people.

Anyhoo, I am still a girl though, and I like sparkly things and fancy shmancy dresses.  Also, I am almost always bored.  I'm so bored all the time, in fact, that I'm going to start up a mini series soon in which I indulge my love of housework avoidance in favour of DRESS UP TIME!  Hooray!

But more on that later.

So, since I'll never go anywhere glitzy or glamorous EVER AGAIN, I had a total brainstorm and thought HEY, wouldn't it be fun if I coated my face in Oscars-worthy makeup, did my hair and put on a really fabulous dress, and THEN coerced The Man into taking photees of me to share with you guys!?!  That would be so fun!  

I started shoveling on the makeup, channeling the fabulous Adele's most fabulous look of makeup fabulousness from the recent Grammy awards:



Hair and makeup so good I want to lick them
(source)

and it was looking pretty hawt, although it was slightly irritating that very small rash I have in the corner of my mouth where the toothpaste froths out as I brush my teeth.  I was  rather pleased with my results, especially considering my scavenged collection of makeup is ESSENTIALLY GARBAGE, and I should start pandering and begging now for family members to buy me MAC MAKEUP for my upcoming bday.  After all, I'm going to be 40, and then 50, then 60, etc, etc, then next stop after that is Kick-the-bucket-ville, so I deserve it.


Here's what FORTY MINUTES NOT MAKING DINNER looks like


The most exciting part though was the dress.  And when I say "the dress," I should really say

THE DRESS

It was a dress that I bought for the Millennium New Year's celebration.  You know--the one where everybody figured at the stroke of midnight all our computers and computerized devices would stop working and/or explode?

It was the only time, besides my wedding, that I had ever bought such a fun dress.  It is a dark, dark green, with a sheer overlay covered with tiny dark green sparkly beads.  It has thin straps, and is more fitted to the body than anything else I'd ever worn.







So, what the hell--that was a mere TWELVE years ago, right?  And I'm a little...shall we say...juicier now, right?  I figured that the dress would probably be sausage-skin-tight, but you know--wearable.  I figured I might not get it done up ALL THE WAY, but what the hell, I'd only be taking pics of the front of the dress.  I figured that if I put on that horrible SLIM N LIFT (© The Satan Company 2012) squeezer/strangler under-garment, I'd be able to stuff my zaftig self into it somehow.


People.


I could barely get it over MY TITS.


I was SHOCKED.  Oh how naive could I have been?  MON DIEU, it was a total fiasco.  Surely my tatas were bigger, but not THAT much freaking bigger?!?  (I mean, that's good right?  If you're going to gain weight, GO BIG OR GO HOME in the bazoomba department, yes?)

So, I grabbed each (giant, apparently) hoot, and hoisted er' through.  Then I tried to shimmy the dress down over  HIPS TOWN, POPULATION MANY, MANY INCHES.

Nothing doing.

But the best--the very best, and my personal favourite, was the zip-up situation in the back!

Here, I arted it for you:


yeah.  That ain't happenin.

Not even close, my friends.  Not even close.

It was at that moment, exactly, that I dropped into THE PIT OF DESPAIR.  Meh, I've been there before--I have a nice set up there, with a cot and everything.

I went through all the emotions:  shock, dismay, sadness, despair, self-loathing...  Yeah, "self-loathing" is an emotion, in case you didn't know.  Usually it's a woman-specific thing, but it's real.  Then I got angry.  I mean, what the f*ck?  Am I THAT deluded about my own physical appearance???

And then I remembered:  waaaait a minute, karen, old kid old sock:  you were working at the casino then, and that was the SLIMMEST YOU HAD BEEN since you went on that first diet when you were freaking 13.  OH yeah!  That's right!  You and some of those other girls followed the Weight Watchers diet, which one of the girls had pirated from her aunt, and photocopied for everyone else to use.

So, that + hauling endless super heavy bags of coin for 40 hours a week, turned me into a lean mean karen machine.  Then I moved to suburban hell for 9 lonely years, was gargantuan with both pregnancies and had a very, very difficult toddler/little boy to deal with and well...

enough excuses.  Luckily I'm pretty fit now, but mon dieu, I'm clearly a bit of an idiot.

And not only that, but the dress was a little too tight EVEN THEN, so NYAH.  SCREW YOU, FATE.

Anyhow, here are some pictures of the dress back when I was WICKED HAWT, and got to wear a really, really fabulous dress for one whole evening:


Oh wait....you'd better click PLAY first.

The Way We Were by Barbara Streisand on Grooveshark




didn't really have the bod for it even then, but damn I lurved that dress
Had to edit out the face of my friend's man, as we never see those
guys anymore.








here's me being wicked drunk with my wicked drunk
friends in a wicked sleazy motel room,
thinking we were all so funny and cute.
Then I spent the rest of the night asleep with
my cheek on the toilet seat.  Much shame.



you GO, PARTY GIRL!  *SNIFF!*  YOU GO!



the next day.  Feeling v. poorly.  Oh but wait!
There's WOODY THE DOG!  RIP WOODY,
YOU LITTLE BUDDY!


Ah yes, all those bullshit books we read when we were pregnant?  They never told us about the brand new body we'd be getting.



So, have you had one of those special moments when you dug something out of the back of YOUR closet, certain that it just might fit and it didn't???


Sigh.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

BIRTHDAY WEEK!!!

OBJECTIVE:  To Successfully complete BIRTHDAY WEEK, with not 1 but 2 birthdays, a mere 3 days apart!


Birthday Number 1

Theme:

PINK, GIRLY...the usual.


What's In The Loot Bag?

* easy clip-on hair flower
* packet of 6 rainbow coloured clip-on hair braids
* little packet of chocolate "mini eggs"

Menu:

* Hotdogs
* Chili
* popcorn, chips, etc
* HEART SHAPED STRAWBERRY CAKE



















a RAINBOW of peppers for the chili!




add the meat...





crazy clip-on rainbow braids courtesy of DOLLARAMA.
Girlie and her cousins loved them



yeah, you can have your basic hotdog with mustard...


OR YOU CAN HAVE A FREAKING CHILI DOG


Step 1:  PLASTIC CHEESE




Step 2:  KID-FRIENDLY BOILED DOG




CHILI GOODNESS



STEP 3:  AH YEAH



The Holiest Of Hotdogs ~ Almost Perfect



NOW you can add mustard!


THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT
(photo's not blurry; you're actually having
a EUPHORIC STROKE)



I love you.  Did I tell you I love you?  OH, I did?
*blush* hee hee!
Well, it's true I do.  At this moment I love you more
than anything else on this whole planet.



make a wish, little girl!




and blow!



Damn.  I make a GOOD CAKE.



BIRTHDAY NUMBER 2

Theme:

Colourful!

What's In The Loot Bag?

* 6 small green plastic soldiers
* world's most annoying tiny slide whistle
* novelty glasses with big nose and moustache
* UNBELIEVABLY FUN WACKY NOVELTY TEETH

The Menu:

* Last minute FRANTIC IDIOT, WHYTHEHELLAMIMAKINGTHESERIGHTNOWIHAVENOTIME chocolate chips muffins for Jack's class

*Pizza ~ Dominos.  The boy will accept NO SUBSTITUTIONS.  This is NON NEGOTIABLE.

* assorted party snacks

* Chocolate cake that looks like a "GIANT WAVE" ~ made by Nana




stupid f*cking muffins.  Why do I do this to myself?!?



oh wait...they look really pretty actually...


Why MUFFINS you ask??  Well, that's because
I ran out of icing sugar and couldn't make FREAKING
CUPCAKES, so I'm tricking the kids into getting some
nutrition thanks to a little SPRINKLES MAGIC.






















ooo Novelty glasses!  So fun!  




wacky glasses AND teeth?!?  EVEN MORE FUN...



my sis hasn't been to the dentist in years...



I HAVE TO GET IN ON THIS ACTION






good hair in this pic...



CLASSIC.  WE LAUGHED UNTIL WE PEED



But this isn't about ME...







get ready!




MAKE A WISH CAPTAIN SNUGGINGTON!




THREE CHEERS FOR JACK!



all done :( 


What kind of fun birthday things have you done for your kids???  For YOURSELF???  How many cocktails did it take to GET YOU THROUGH?

Tell me all about it!

Friday, February 24, 2012

Hormonal Quotes Of Yore

You guys know that I've squashed most of my PMS goodness now thanks to that over the counter supplement made by Lorna Vanderhaghenblahblahhowthehelldoyouspellhername,   right?

YES KAREN, WE KNOW.  WE KNOW.  WE ARE REMINDED EVERY SINGLE MONTH.

Okay, okay, you don't have to get all snippy about it.

Well anyhoo, I MISS that old karen sometimes.  She was fun, spicy/piquanté!, crustier than a Sunday dinner roll, and WONDERFULLY ACERBIC.  Kind of like a human onion!

my daughter is right:  everything is funnier with boobies.

I also put nipples on at first, but The Man didn't understand
what I was "trying to say" with my picture.  He didn't
grasp how I was trying to express that I am NAKED and PEELED
for you people, because I lurv you.  Then he said; "well, whatever. It's your blog."
Then he went back to work.  


Tho...this is not the popular opinion of the household...

But as I was saying, when I used to get in a real STATE, I would spout out some GEMS, FREAKING GEMS, PEOPLE.  And luckily for YOU, I was just narcissistic enough to scribble them down, whenever I said something particularly meaningful or inspiring. And as it so happened,  the other day I was cleaning out the hell basket/junk catch-all that sits on top of the microwave, and I found my coffee-stained sheets of joy.  I want you guys to have them too.

After all, all the best people have witty and remarkable quotes that can be attributed back to them, and one day when I'm under the dirt, I want to be REMEMBERED.


Hyperbole With karen

* Why bother cleaning this house?  It's as useful as SHINING UP A DUMPSTER.


* The world is full of a$$holes.  In fact, I'm surprised the world even continues to turn, because it's one great big BLACK HOLE OF A$$.


* to The Man:  Of course you don't like "Sex And The City."  You hate everything I like.  We hate each other's stuff.  I don't even know how we're even compatible.


* When I'm dead, you people will be sorry.  You'll say "if only we'd picked our socks up off the floor."


*  Do you want me to have a heart attack???  Stress is bad for the heart.  I should not be this stressed every day.  You're going to make my heart stop working.


*  I NEED to say the EFF WORD!  I need it, but thanks to having children, I've been VERBALLY NEUTERED.


*  upon viewing my hideous new passport photo with The Man in the room:

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!  DAGGER THROUGH THE HEART!  DAGGER THROUGH THE HEART!  Go get yourself a new girlfriend.


* The Man pulls on the back pocket of my jeans:

The Man:  is that stretchy?

Me:  Of course!  Once one becomes a 'mommy' they need the forgiveness that can only be found in STRETCH DENIM.  Those days of real denim are behind me.  It's ALL behind me:  hopes, dreams, passions--they're all gone, as I've been beaten down into a fine, malleable paste by the children.  And then, you stop caring that your husband no longer thinks you're beautiful.  You only care about whether or not he's cleaned the litter box.

The Man:  I ALWAYS think you're beautiful.

Ella (walking past):  Mommy, I need a party horn.

Me:  "Honey, there is no party.  The party is over."


* I can't do housework today.  I am an INTELLECTUAL.  You should have said a long time ago; "my wife--her brain is huge.  I need to hire someone to do the housekeeping.  It is too far BENEATH HER."


* You know what you should put on my tombstone?  "WE Did It."




Love, karen


EX OH, EX OH, EX OH

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

What Was It Like?

My dad has been doing a lot of geneology stuff lately. Tracing one's family is like trying to locate and then piece together an enormous jigsaw puzzle.

In particular, I am captivated by this woman:


I wish I knew what year this picture was taken. 


This is Harriet Cecilia, known as Cecilia to her family, born December 1886 in Hackney, London.  She is my paternal great grandmother.   I never knew her because she died in 1915 of "Pulmonary Tuberculosis," at the age of 29 years, 11 months.

I knew this woman:


This is my grandfather's second wife.  I was very young when I knew her, and she seemed impossibly old, deaf, and utterly frightening, as the very old seem to the very young.

As for Harriet Cecilia, she came to Canada in 1908 and was married on July 1st of that year to my great grandfather (who came to Canada from Wales in 1907).  Her sister married my great grandfather's brother:





What was it like to get on board a ship and leave your country behind?  What was it like to come to a new country?  Were she and my great grandfather very much in love?  What was daily life like for her here in Canada?  Did she find the Canadian winters appalling?  Chances are she had to make all of her children's clothing herself, and chances are she had to work very hard to take care of her 4 children without all the modern conveniences we have now.

I love this picture:


my grandfather--on the right--must be about 4 in this picture.  Their baby sister,
Cecilia was born in 1914, so my great grandmother is either pregnant in this
photo, or maybe the baby's inside sleeping???

 Here is the back of the photo:




A man was coming round with a donkey to take pictures, and little Gladys was scared, so her mother had to come around to be near her.

1914.  Just imagine:  there were no telephone bills, cell phone bills, computers, televisions.  Would your house have electricity yet?  Indoor plumbing boomed after World War 1 in 1918.

What did everyone do for fun?  What kind of meals did Cecilia make each week?  What were family favourites?  Did she love gardening as I do?  What were her favourite flowers?

I would love to step back in time, if only for a day, to meet her and ask her a million questions.





This is the last picture taken of my great grandmother, with her husband and children.  Some of you will remember this photo from THIS POST.  Cecilia has tuberculosis.  It is mere months before she passes.  The whole family knows that she is dying.  I find this picture dark, and poignant, and terrible, and beautiful.

After she died, my great grandfather was so distraught he tried to throw himself down the stairs, but was stopped by his sons.

I know now that Cecilia died in the Muskoka Sanitorium for Tuberculosis, which was the first free tuberculosis hospital in the world, and the initial, smaller site was the first TB hospital in Canada.



What would it be like to arrive here:


source
(There is an interesting gallery of historical pictures for the hospital HERE. )

knowing that this is the last place you would ever see.  Knowing that you would never see your home again, and there would be no more opportunities for travelling photographers with donkeys to take your picture?


I can't even imagine.

Can you?




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