Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Monday, February 6, 2012

39 Year Old Wiener

OH THE AGONY OF LIFE!  I CAN'T TAKE IT!
NO! I CAN'T GO ON!





So,

A lot of you will recall my whining about my thyroid.  It's lumpy.  It has bumples all over it.  It's NODULE CITY.

Well, do you guys remember the last time I whined about it in "A Needle In The Neck Is STILL Not Good Times"?  Oh, you missed that?  Well it's still a juicy read.  Go on, go click on it and see how much fun it was to have a needle inserted into my neck about TEN TIMES.

Well THAT was nearly a year ago.  And the results from that biopsy came back as "inconclusive."  This means, that even though the doctor looked at the ultrasound and said I had nearly a ZERO probability of thyroid cancer (just a really ugly thyroid), he figured it would be best to stick a sharp object into my throat over and over and over again, so he could SUCK THINGS OUT, study them and make sure.

And you are RIGHT!  THAT WAS A PARTY!

So much so in fact that when I was supposed to return within a couple of months for another NECK STAB-O-RAMA, I was a little hesitant to return.  And THEN, when they called me and said their ultrasound machine was on the fritz and they'd have to reschedule me, I was ELATED.  And THEN when they forgot me and didn't call me back with my new appointment?  F*ck that shizz, my friends.

Yeah, you've done the math.  It's nearly a year later.

So guess what--at my yearly physical with my doctor, she gave me the gentle scolding and insisted that I "really should get that follow up done."

But it's sooooooooooooooooo unpleasant.  I can't even tell you how unpleasant it is, and then afterwards, you get to feel like you were punched in the throat for the next couple of days.

So GUESS WHAT--the doctor prescribed me a CALM DOWN PILL, just so I can go back there and face the neck assault again and feel like even though I'm having someone dig into my neck, and warn me NOT TO SWALLOW WHILE HE'S "IN THERE,"  (which actually isn't as exciting as it sounds...) I get to feel like I've taken a vacation to hearts and flowers land.

Yeah, that's right.  I got me some CALM DOWN PILLS.  And the awesome thing was, I had to show my frickin driver's license to get it, to make sure I am me, and not some junkie pretending to be karen with a lumpy thyroid so I could get myself some drugs.

Oh the stigma.  OH the shame.  Oh the juicy, delicious narcotics!

But, I promptly filled out that prescription, because DAMN IT, I was going to make that thyroid biopsy appointment.

That was in December.

FINALLY, today, I steeled myself, dug out my number for the endocrinologist, and made myself an appointment!  Then I got off the phone and PROMPTLY BURST INTO TEARS.

And that is exactly the kind of PRINCESS KAREN TENDERHEART bullshit I am tired of.

WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO ME?!?

Yeah, blah, blah, yadda yadda, my mother died a swift death in horrible, shocking agony from lung cancer, while we all sat back and watched the failings of our medical system, and then, apparently,

ALL MY COURAGE FELL STRAIGHT OUT OF MY ASS.*


(* when I was a chambermaid those summers during university, the boss once gave us the best motivational talk ever and told us our brains had fallen out of our asses.  Lurv it forever.)



So, what I need from you, my beloveds, is

1) a good swift kick in the ass
2) bogus trumped up words of encouragement

I, karen tenderheart, solemnly swear to MAN THE F*CK UP, not cry again before the appointment, and take my stabbies like a GROWN ASS WOMAN.


Sigh.


"So there's no simple explanation
for anything important any of us do
and yea the human tragedy
consists in the necessity
of living with the consequences
under pressure, under pressure.
Courage, my word, it didn't come, it doesn't matter"

-Tragically Hip








42 comments:

  1. Hey, no fair! I wanted to tell you to Man-up!
    How could you take that joy away from me? Why are you so mean to me? Is it because you write huge-ass posts over the weekends and I never comment? I told you I don't blog on the weekend.
    Oh sorry, this was suppose to be about you. Look, just grow a pair, and you'll be alright. How's that for encouragement?
    Your Friend, m.
    p.s. I really do care.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Mark. You can still tell me to MAN UP. I would never take that away from you.

      Uh...haven't you been a little BUSY in your personal life lately??? You need more of my special brand of melodrama???

      Delete
  2. Well, the neck stabbing in the name of endocrinology sounds like crap. So I reckon you are allowed to dread it and cry and say "it's not faaaaiiiirrr!"
    And then when you've done that, you'll go to the appointment and get the procedure done and it'll feel like shit, but it'll be over, phew.
    I'm so sorry about your mum. Her illness and death sound horrendous. Does that mean you can't be fearful and upset over something "less"? No, I don't think so.
    But we will all be hear waiting to hear how it went and sending you Big Lurve, so that's OK then. xxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Okay then Curtise, on April 25 I will whine till my heart's content :(

      No--no frowny faces allowed at the end of my sentences. Must remember I am an ADULT.

      Delete
  3. Sometimes things are just more than one can bear. Be kind to yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Listen here lady, load yourself up on those happy pills, go in there and get your damn neck stabbed and come back and tell us all about it while you're still doped up. It will make for some great blog fodder at minimum and at the very least you will be taking care of yourself because we have kids and WE CAN'T DIE. We still have to shove unGodly food into our kids mouth that only they will eat and who else will take our kids to OT/PT and Speech?!?

    See, it's simple really, you have to do this SO YOU DON'T DIE. Now put on your big girl britches and go get stabbed in the throat.

    And I hope you still love me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn it everyone--see what just happened? Lizbeth VOICED MY FEAR! My fear of not being around for my children!

      Damn it woman, you are right. Of course I still love you. Actually, I'm a little turned on right now. No wait...I'm just really tired from wigging out all day :) :) :)

      Delete
  5. You may eat banana instead of happy pills (it does the same thing).
    Also if the result will be inconclusive this time ask for Afima testing to the specimen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Integrator. That was all excellent advice--especially the Afima testing. I will write that down somewhere I won't forget it!!!

      As for the banana though--I don't think a banana will take me to that happy, happy place. A bag of doritos and a whisky perhaps--but I don't think the banana has those powers, even with its mighty potassium.

      Delete
  6. 1)when is your appointment?
    2)go to the appointment. Plan something awesome after the appointment. Have a friend go with you then right after go out for drinks, dinner and a movie, girls night, whatever would make you excited.
    3)whenever you feel anxiety about the about the appointment, redirect your thoughts to the fun after event.
    4)you know you would take the kids to medical tests, even if they were painful. do no less for yourself. and remember you are doing it for them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous, it's on April 25 at 8:15 AM. I will have to invent something fun then. I'm actually picturing the sanctuary of my unmade bed. Aaaah...that's a damn fine place. Oh wait, maybe that's not "reward" enough...

      yes, you are exactly right. I'm doing it for the kids. Thank you. I needed that kick in the ASS!!!!

      Delete
  7. i too have had needles stuck into ungodly placs,[repeatedly],you need to get some i.v. valium during the procedure that pretty much takes all the pain away. we will pray for you too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you Paula. You guys are awesome. I will take my meds and be a good girl!

      Delete
  8. make your sister go along. she can kick you into your big girl panties and do for you what your mom would have done if she was there to do it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. it's true! It's true! I may take her along, but it's so freaking early in the morning and RIGHT SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF getting the kids ready for school. OH well. At least it'll be early.

      Delete
  9. Yeah, I would say make that appointment, try not to think about it too much, the thoughts of it will come and go, don't follow em, when the day comes, just go in, try to keep your mind clear...focus on the drive - the drive in - the finding of a parking space - the obligatory nicety in the doc's office with the person at the desk...just do it...put it on your schedule and do it and don't think too much...take deep breaths and think about em...that's what I did with my last 'scare' ...both my parents died from cancer...I'm pretty sure it's how I'll go out too...it's just a matter of when...I hope I avoid worrying about it too much though. I succeed sometimes and fail sometimes. Hi, I'm a stranger. Ha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Al One, that was fascinating, because your suggestions were alternately intensely comforting and HORRIFYING. Heh. But it's all good advice. I am so, so sorry about your parents though.

      It was lovely of you to comment! Thank you!

      Delete
  10. Oooooh no. Neck needles would freak me out too. What is it about endocrinologists that makes them so needle poke-y anyway? I went through a 'thing' and felt like a lab rat too. It sucks.

    Oh damn, those are not words of encouragement. Okay, here you go:

    Take the happy pills, bring your ipod, and blare some Duran Duran.

    ReplyDelete
  11. No Vesta, those ARE words of encouragement! Actually, the ipod is a wonderful idea. I did that when I got a filling replaced recently. Made the dentist WAY less horrid!

    Maybe I should do that though...

    ReplyDelete
  12. no thank you needle in the neck. Poor you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Best song EVER!!! Now listen hear, Princess... Aw, shit, who am I to lecture. Just go and get it done. Then you know, right? It may be just mindless torture so that someone feels like they are doing their job but so what? And when your throat hurts after, think of the compassion and new understanding you will have for MMA fighters!(I will be thinking of you. You, dear lady, are tougher than you know.)Hugs xxoo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. no I'm not Leanne! I'm a FREAKING CREAM PUFF!!

      Oh well, I know what's coming. That's the problem. But, I will do it.

      Delete
  14. I think I told you I've been there - all of that. But cry, cry as much as you feel like. It is a special privilege for women only, that crying releases certain stress chemicals. Maybe the crying is for your mother, too. Courage doesn't mean you don't cry or aren't afraid; it just means you do it anyway. If that wasn't hard, it wouldn't take courage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you Jeanne. I guess that makes me feel better. You did allude to having been through it, but didn't go into thyroid detail!

      Delete
  15. You are the quintessential go-to person for some "laugh so I don't cry." (And don't worry.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sigh. It's true. Okay, I'll try not to worry. Just tell my damn stomach.

      Delete
  16. Love the use of The Hip!
    DOnt you NEED someone to go with you if you are on those "calm down" pills?
    YOu are goign to go to the appt. YOu are BE OK...you will wince a few times, you may even have to breath yourself through it...but you will do it...you can go home after and cry about it then...i kidd...
    Look at this way...you gave birth once...it was unpleasant (the birthing part) and you did it again...okay so maybe the two are very different...you get it though?
    YOu will be okay! You are a tough cookie!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah, that reminds me--one time I was totally wimping out because my doctor had to swab my eyeball, and as I was cringing, she reminded me that I'd GIVEN BIRTH, for crap's sake. But then...that happened whether I liked it or not..

      Hm...

      looking forward to that after cry! WOO HOO!

      Delete
  17. Aw Karen... You'll feel like such a weight lifted once it's all done! It won't be sitting in the back of your mind nagging at you. YOU CAN DO IT! Take those pills and you'll be loving life... I had them once during childbirth (!) and it made all of the difference in the world.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You did Jessica? You had those pills? That sounds good. Well, the worst part I s'pose will be the night before--shudder!

      Thank you for your kind words, sniff!!

      Delete
    2. Okay, you people have been THOROUGHLY encouraging.

      GROUP HUG, EVERYONE. GROUP HUG!

      Delete
    3. i'm considering myself hugged. now huggeth yourself back.

      Delete
  18. 'Horrifying and comforting' sums up the state of the health care system. The word 'hassle' should be in there too for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I have Bursitis.. which means steroid shots IN.THE.SHOULDER. like ALL.THE.TIME. And they hurt like a mofo.

    as they say in Australia.. "Toughen up. Princess"..lol

    P.s. you poor thing. I know it hurts but you shouldn't mess around when it comes to medical stuff. (hug)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you Sprite. I will think of your painful shots for bursitis and TOUGHEN UP :)

      Delete
  20. Tessa is the toughest person I know, but I've seen her pass out from a simple blood draw. It's happened several times, in fact. Hey, she even lost bowel control once. Those things are involuntary. If the doctor gives you a sedative to help, it's the right thing to do. And it makes his job easier ;)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Okay, that was me testing my own comments form to see how one enters a comment without being logged in.

    Anyhoo, thank you Fred. That was strangely...comforting (minus the bowels imagery--that just made my stomach flop all over again).

    His job is perfectly easy! I'm a perfect SUFFER IN SILENCE kind of patience. Good girl, pat on the head and all that.

    ReplyDelete

I lurv comments. Thank you for the comments. They are scrumptious.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails