Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Friday, February 24, 2012

Hormonal Quotes Of Yore

You guys know that I've squashed most of my PMS goodness now thanks to that over the counter supplement made by Lorna Vanderhaghenblahblahhowthehelldoyouspellhername,   right?


Okay, okay, you don't have to get all snippy about it.

Well anyhoo, I MISS that old karen sometimes.  She was fun, spicy/piquanté!, crustier than a Sunday dinner roll, and WONDERFULLY ACERBIC.  Kind of like a human onion!

my daughter is right:  everything is funnier with boobies.

I also put nipples on at first, but The Man didn't understand
what I was "trying to say" with my picture.  He didn't
grasp how I was trying to express that I am NAKED and PEELED
for you people, because I lurv you.  Then he said; "well, whatever. It's your blog."
Then he went back to work.  

Tho...this is not the popular opinion of the household...

But as I was saying, when I used to get in a real STATE, I would spout out some GEMS, FREAKING GEMS, PEOPLE.  And luckily for YOU, I was just narcissistic enough to scribble them down, whenever I said something particularly meaningful or inspiring. And as it so happened,  the other day I was cleaning out the hell basket/junk catch-all that sits on top of the microwave, and I found my coffee-stained sheets of joy.  I want you guys to have them too.

After all, all the best people have witty and remarkable quotes that can be attributed back to them, and one day when I'm under the dirt, I want to be REMEMBERED.

Hyperbole With karen

* Why bother cleaning this house?  It's as useful as SHINING UP A DUMPSTER.

* The world is full of a$$holes.  In fact, I'm surprised the world even continues to turn, because it's one great big BLACK HOLE OF A$$.

* to The Man:  Of course you don't like "Sex And The City."  You hate everything I like.  We hate each other's stuff.  I don't even know how we're even compatible.

* When I'm dead, you people will be sorry.  You'll say "if only we'd picked our socks up off the floor."

*  Do you want me to have a heart attack???  Stress is bad for the heart.  I should not be this stressed every day.  You're going to make my heart stop working.

*  I NEED to say the EFF WORD!  I need it, but thanks to having children, I've been VERBALLY NEUTERED.

*  upon viewing my hideous new passport photo with The Man in the room:


* The Man pulls on the back pocket of my jeans:

The Man:  is that stretchy?

Me:  Of course!  Once one becomes a 'mommy' they need the forgiveness that can only be found in STRETCH DENIM.  Those days of real denim are behind me.  It's ALL behind me:  hopes, dreams, passions--they're all gone, as I've been beaten down into a fine, malleable paste by the children.  And then, you stop caring that your husband no longer thinks you're beautiful.  You only care about whether or not he's cleaned the litter box.

The Man:  I ALWAYS think you're beautiful.

Ella (walking past):  Mommy, I need a party horn.

Me:  "Honey, there is no party.  The party is over."

* I can't do housework today.  I am an INTELLECTUAL.  You should have said a long time ago; "my wife--her brain is huge.  I need to hire someone to do the housekeeping.  It is too far BENEATH HER."

* You know what you should put on my tombstone?  "WE Did It."

Love, karen



  1. wait, you liked Sex and the City? Really? waht? ugh

    I bet the mister LOVES newer Karen. Happy weekend.

  2. yeah, for some reason he's a lot happier. Go figure. Happy weekend to you too, Lance!

  3. The old Karen may be gone but I'm not on that pill-herbal-nectar-of-the-Gods-please-stop-me-from-going-crazy stuff. I guess that means I have to step it up a notch. Or thwenty.

    Either way, I still lurv you!!!!

    1. yeah, probably not entirely gone though Lizbeth. I do, after all, have a fairly bad attitude :)

    2. WHHHHEEEEWWWW!!!!!!

      I prefer to call bad attitude "Spunk." It appears less negative. Hahaha!

    3. Wonderful. I'm appropriating that for my own needs now. I am SPUNKY.

  4. i sometimes forget that denim ever existed without that bit of stretch. it's so nice to put them on fresh, but sometimes after a few washings (no, i don't wash after each wear. i examine for dirt & sniff for freshness & then slip them back into the drawer to wear again) they do get a bit droopy through the tush.
    you'll just have to find new reasons to get spicy without the raging pms to inspire you.

    1. Sherilin, I do NOT wash my jeans every day. Oh man, even though stretch denim is sooooo much more comfortable, we all well remember the days of fresh-washed jeans and how HORRIBLE they felt. Thus, there's no way in hell we're washing them that often. Besides. We're moms. We're tired, and those things hide dirt like nothing else.

      Yeah, I get spicy every time I haven't had enough sleep. Every damn time. Who am I kidding blaming it ALL on PMS???

  5. Just so you know - I really did Laugh Out Loud :-) Especially at the Black Hole of A$$.
    I feel your pain about your passport. I looked like a man and Matthew's looked like a mug shot for murder. Dave couldn't understand why I went back for a re-take. He said it isn't a fashion show - but do I really want the border guard seeing us that way??!!

    1. Michelle, I totally looked like a man. That's exactly what it was. I said: "I don't know who that UGLY MAN is, but he looks MEAN." I should have gotten a retake. Hate that thing.

  6. I started to laugh at the boobeed onion..then I never quit. Sad but true...all of it...the worst has come out of my mouth, and I have not had the excuse of PMS, so consider yourself lucky.

    You get a built in bull shit excuse maker.

    1. well, like I told Sherilin, every time I haven't had the maximum requirement of sleep I revert back to my big mouth ways. Still, I amuse ME, and that's what counts!

      Glad you liked the hootered onion.

  7. Verbally neutered! I love it!

    I also love that Daughter Ham thinks everything is funnier with boobies.

    1. I love that you remembered DAUGHTER HAM. Now THAT is even funnier than boobies! Ella is breast obsessed.

  8. I'm going to borrow some of these, if I may, and use them on a regular basis. Acerbic/spicy/piquante - all good things to be, I reckon! Especially with added boobage.
    The party's over? What party? xxxx

  9. Ha ha ha Curtise! I'm so happy you're going to use them. These verbal treasures shouldn't go to waste.


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