YES KAREN, WE KNOW. WE KNOW. WE ARE REMINDED EVERY SINGLE MONTH.
Okay, okay, you don't have to get all snippy about it.
Well anyhoo, I MISS that old karen sometimes. She was fun, spicy/piquanté!, crustier than a Sunday dinner roll, and WONDERFULLY ACERBIC. Kind of like a human onion!
Tho...this is not the popular opinion of the household...
But as I was saying, when I used to get in a real STATE, I would spout out some GEMS, FREAKING GEMS, PEOPLE. And luckily for YOU, I was just narcissistic enough to scribble them down, whenever I said something particularly meaningful or inspiring. And as it so happened, the other day I was cleaning out the hell basket/junk catch-all that sits on top of the microwave, and I found my coffee-stained sheets of joy. I want you guys to have them too.
After all, all the best people have witty and remarkable quotes that can be attributed back to them, and one day when I'm under the dirt, I want to be REMEMBERED.
Hyperbole With karen
* Why bother cleaning this house? It's as useful as SHINING UP A DUMPSTER.
* The world is full of a$$holes. In fact, I'm surprised the world even continues to turn, because it's one great big BLACK HOLE OF A$$.
* to The Man: Of course you don't like "Sex And The City." You hate everything I like. We hate each other's stuff. I don't even know how we're even compatible.
* When I'm dead, you people will be sorry. You'll say "if only we'd picked our socks up off the floor."
* Do you want me to have a heart attack??? Stress is bad for the heart. I should not be this stressed every day. You're going to make my heart stop working.
* I NEED to say the EFF WORD! I need it, but thanks to having children, I've been VERBALLY NEUTERED.
* upon viewing my hideous new passport photo with The Man in the room:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! DAGGER THROUGH THE HEART! DAGGER THROUGH THE HEART! Go get yourself a new girlfriend.
* The Man pulls on the back pocket of my jeans:
The Man: is that stretchy?
Me: Of course! Once one becomes a 'mommy' they need the forgiveness that can only be found in STRETCH DENIM. Those days of real denim are behind me. It's ALL behind me: hopes, dreams, passions--they're all gone, as I've been beaten down into a fine, malleable paste by the children. And then, you stop caring that your husband no longer thinks you're beautiful. You only care about whether or not he's cleaned the litter box.
The Man: I ALWAYS think you're beautiful.
Ella (walking past): Mommy, I need a party horn.
Me: "Honey, there is no party. The party is over."
* I can't do housework today. I am an INTELLECTUAL. You should have said a long time ago; "my wife--her brain is huge. I need to hire someone to do the housekeeping. It is too far BENEATH HER."
* You know what you should put on my tombstone? "WE Did It."
EX OH, EX OH, EX OH