Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Obviously My Oscars Dress SHRUNK

As we all know, the Oscars were on two nights ago.  Blah blah blah, who cares.  After all, I can't remember the last time the Oscars had any movies up for awards that I was either excited about or rooting for.  In fact, that hasn't happened since Forrest Gump went up against Pulp Fiction.

I made it through 43 minutes of the actual awards ceremony before I had to turn, as I was mildly revolted by a) overpaid people who act in shitty movies wearing wonderful free sparkly things, and b) so much simpering and crying and hyperventilating, and really, really dull thank you speeches.

You're not saving lives here people.

Anyhoo, I am still a girl though, and I like sparkly things and fancy shmancy dresses.  Also, I am almost always bored.  I'm so bored all the time, in fact, that I'm going to start up a mini series soon in which I indulge my love of housework avoidance in favour of DRESS UP TIME!  Hooray!

But more on that later.

So, since I'll never go anywhere glitzy or glamorous EVER AGAIN, I had a total brainstorm and thought HEY, wouldn't it be fun if I coated my face in Oscars-worthy makeup, did my hair and put on a really fabulous dress, and THEN coerced The Man into taking photees of me to share with you guys!?!  That would be so fun!  

I started shoveling on the makeup, channeling the fabulous Adele's most fabulous look of makeup fabulousness from the recent Grammy awards:

Hair and makeup so good I want to lick them

and it was looking pretty hawt, although it was slightly irritating that very small rash I have in the corner of my mouth where the toothpaste froths out as I brush my teeth.  I was  rather pleased with my results, especially considering my scavenged collection of makeup is ESSENTIALLY GARBAGE, and I should start pandering and begging now for family members to buy me MAC MAKEUP for my upcoming bday.  After all, I'm going to be 40, and then 50, then 60, etc, etc, then next stop after that is Kick-the-bucket-ville, so I deserve it.


The most exciting part though was the dress.  And when I say "the dress," I should really say


It was a dress that I bought for the Millennium New Year's celebration.  You know--the one where everybody figured at the stroke of midnight all our computers and computerized devices would stop working and/or explode?

It was the only time, besides my wedding, that I had ever bought such a fun dress.  It is a dark, dark green, with a sheer overlay covered with tiny dark green sparkly beads.  It has thin straps, and is more fitted to the body than anything else I'd ever worn.

So, what the hell--that was a mere TWELVE years ago, right?  And I'm a little...shall we say...juicier now, right?  I figured that the dress would probably be sausage-skin-tight, but you know--wearable.  I figured I might not get it done up ALL THE WAY, but what the hell, I'd only be taking pics of the front of the dress.  I figured that if I put on that horrible SLIM N LIFT (© The Satan Company 2012) squeezer/strangler under-garment, I'd be able to stuff my zaftig self into it somehow.


I could barely get it over MY TITS.

I was SHOCKED.  Oh how naive could I have been?  MON DIEU, it was a total fiasco.  Surely my tatas were bigger, but not THAT much freaking bigger?!?  (I mean, that's good right?  If you're going to gain weight, GO BIG OR GO HOME in the bazoomba department, yes?)

So, I grabbed each (giant, apparently) hoot, and hoisted er' through.  Then I tried to shimmy the dress down over  HIPS TOWN, POPULATION MANY, MANY INCHES.

Nothing doing.

But the best--the very best, and my personal favourite, was the zip-up situation in the back!

Here, I arted it for you:

yeah.  That ain't happenin.

Not even close, my friends.  Not even close.

It was at that moment, exactly, that I dropped into THE PIT OF DESPAIR.  Meh, I've been there before--I have a nice set up there, with a cot and everything.

I went through all the emotions:  shock, dismay, sadness, despair, self-loathing...  Yeah, "self-loathing" is an emotion, in case you didn't know.  Usually it's a woman-specific thing, but it's real.  Then I got angry.  I mean, what the f*ck?  Am I THAT deluded about my own physical appearance???

And then I remembered:  waaaait a minute, karen, old kid old sock:  you were working at the casino then, and that was the SLIMMEST YOU HAD BEEN since you went on that first diet when you were freaking 13.  OH yeah!  That's right!  You and some of those other girls followed the Weight Watchers diet, which one of the girls had pirated from her aunt, and photocopied for everyone else to use.

So, that + hauling endless super heavy bags of coin for 40 hours a week, turned me into a lean mean karen machine.  Then I moved to suburban hell for 9 lonely years, was gargantuan with both pregnancies and had a very, very difficult toddler/little boy to deal with and well...

enough excuses.  Luckily I'm pretty fit now, but mon dieu, I'm clearly a bit of an idiot.

And not only that, but the dress was a little too tight EVEN THEN, so NYAH.  SCREW YOU, FATE.

Anyhow, here are some pictures of the dress back when I was WICKED HAWT, and got to wear a really, really fabulous dress for one whole evening:

Oh'd better click PLAY first.

The Way We Were by Barbara Streisand on Grooveshark

didn't really have the bod for it even then, but damn I lurved that dress
Had to edit out the face of my friend's man, as we never see those
guys anymore.

here's me being wicked drunk with my wicked drunk
friends in a wicked sleazy motel room,
thinking we were all so funny and cute.
Then I spent the rest of the night asleep with
my cheek on the toilet seat.  Much shame.


the next day.  Feeling v. poorly.  Oh but wait!

Ah yes, all those bullshit books we read when we were pregnant?  They never told us about the brand new body we'd be getting.

So, have you had one of those special moments when you dug something out of the back of YOUR closet, certain that it just might fit and it didn't???



  1. i have no delusions about the fatness that is me. i got rid of each and every piece of clothing that doesn't fit me (besides my wedding dress and that's only still around because the man pouted when i said i was going to donate it to goodwill) so that i don't have to look at them and feel bad about myself.
    however, that is a very cute dress and i don't blame you for wanting to put it on. next time, try your attire on before you do the face and hair so you don't waste any time.
    also, it's not may yet, so you weren't just doing your hair and makeup so that you could seduce the man.
    i'm only 7 lbs away from my pre-baby weight, but it all seems to be arranged differently now. my body uses its fatness ineffectively these days and doesn't pack it as tightly as it used to.

    1. Sherilin, you truly are a WONDROUS WOMAN then. You didn't save any TORTURE items in your closet..."I'll keep this for when I lose those 5...10...15...20..ohgod pounds!"

      Yeah, spring and new years--good times for LURV--except if you're so stupid you pass out on the can, and you're in a motel room with a dead fly in the hot tub. No lovin' there.

      That is so awesome about your weight loss efforts. Don't you feel just giddy? It's such a huge, huge accomplishment. GETTING STARTED is a huge accomplishment even!

      You are absolutely right about the fat re-depositing itself in strange ways. It's like when Scarlett could no longer squeeze herself into that tiny waist corset because she done had a baby.

  2. Oh yeah, I have a little black dress that MOCKS ME every time I go in my dang closet. I can't bring myself to get rid of it so the cycle of self-loathing comes full circle.

    I hate you little black dress. HATE YOU.

    I bet I can't even get my piggy toe in that damn thing.

    Then my hubs is like, "Remember when you wore that?" Sigh.... And I'm like, "Yeah, that was BEFORE we got married and I cranked out four of YOUR kids, so SUCK IT. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit. Now leave me the eff alone to sulk."

    And yes that was a real conversation. And thank you KG teachers for drilling the "you get what you get" thing into my kids heads. They have forgotten it but like a mealworm I can't get that parse out of my mind.

    1. I loved your REAL conversation so much Lizbeth. You have no idea. It's funny though how we don't feel THAT much bigger, but these things are infinitely smaller. Sigh.

  3. All the farking time!!!
    Frigging booboids just keep a growing,and I haven't even squeezed out a excuse......sniff......but I don't give a SHIT!

    1. you know what Helga, MY BAD for not extending this pain to EVERY WOMAN. Forget about having kids, the PAIN AND SUFFERING OF THE PASSAGE OF TIME is more than enough to grow a whole new cup size. Oh well, you always look hawt, so no worries!

  4. You looked totally hot in that dress Karen and love the big hair! Beautiful!
    Your make-up job here is fab too. I have to get me some Mac make-up since i am inching towards that nasty 50! Yikes!

    1. Thanks!

      Yeah, but Pam, you look fantastic. You should actually tell EVERYONE because nobody will believe it.

      Yes! Mac makeup for all of us!

  5. great pictures!! more!!!!

    It doesn't matter how much I work out and eat better, my waistline either stays the same or grows. It's stupid.

    Forest Gump beating Pulp Fiction for the Oscar was a joke. Just a joke.

    more pictures plx

    1. Lance I thought Pulp Fiction was fantastic and I also liked Forrest Gump. Come on--you didn't love some LIEUTENANT DAN??

      What kind of MORE PICTURES--ones in which I'm a drunken idiot? Yeah, I've got a few more of those. Thanks, Oktoberfest.

  6. i could not even get my left thigh into one of those size 8's now.

    1. Paula, it's funny because we can totally relate. My sister was telling me about this pair of denim capri's she used to feel sexay in, and she said not too long ago she tried to try them on, and only got them up just above the knees.

  7. I've said it before but you are one HAWT Mess!
    But I love ya for it!
    Sorry that you're "jucier" than you used to be. In fact, I'm sorry that I have to use the word "Jucier" in a sentence.
    I bet I shimmy into that little number! My tits are smaller! Not by much, sadly, but they are smaller. Plus, that color totally works for me.
    Thanks for posting those old photos. Too much!

    1. Mark, you made me cry. You are hilarious. Okay, should I lend the dress to you then?

      Glad you enjoyed the old photos, and I'm sure if anyone was going to appreciate the shmaltzy song with it, it would be you. xoxo

  8. Oh Karen - I'm half laughing, half crying here!
    Favourite items of clothing that have misty water-coloured memories attached to them are hard to let go of...
    But if they don't bloody fit, get 'em on Ebay and buy something that does fit and makes you feel gorgeous! Look at Adele - she's a buxom lass with a beautiful curvy body and she looks GREAT! I think her 50s-inspired style would really suit you. I know, I know - you're going to say you don't go anywhere to dress up for, but neither do I - don't let that stop you! Those tatas of magnificence need to be displayed properly!
    You WERE a hot babe in that dress, but you still are, love, and don't you forget it!
    PS. I'm bigger than I was before having Child No. 3 and I look SO much better in clothes than out of them - that's my rule, don't go out naked! xxxxxx

    1. Oh I totally endorse clothing too! Hellz yes. I can't even imagine going to some nudist colony and playing volleyball all carefree-like.

  9. Oh my, the body before children...I miss it so. I have the pair of jeans that I wore on my hubby's and my first date. I think the waist size on them is 28". I keep them for the memory, but I doubt I'd get my frigging ARM in one of the legs!We were all so cute in our late twenties. And the cruel bullshit of life is that WE DIDN'T SEE IT!!! We picked ourselves apart! But we're all still gorgeous. Just juicier!

    1. Leanne, you just NAILED IT. We didn't appreciate our cute selves at all, and now mine is GONE and I have to settle for being a "handsome woman," I suppose. Nuts to that.

  10. Getting old sucks. I know, "Newsflash", duh...
    In your younger photos you look like a girl I briefly dated. Christy was her name I think, but the girl was bulimic, hence I could never tell if she was telling the truth.
    Didn't watch the Oscars, and didn't miss it.


    1. Bennet, you truly crack me up. Getting old DOES SUCK.

      What a drag it is, getting old...oh Mick Jagger, you are so right. In fact, you've inspired me and I'm putting that song on my facebook page, because, why the hell not?

      Yeah, I could never ever ever be a bulimic. Hurling is the worst thing in the whole universe.


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