Sometimes life kicks you right in the poodle.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

PMS karen Was Having One Of THOSE Days

Sometimes there are THOSE DAYS--those special, special days when PMS is like THIS:

(okay, you know you should click play first.  Don't make me tell you again.  Don't make me come click PLAY for you.  Yeah, it'll be noisy and obnoxious.  Do I need to come hold your F*CKING HAND?!?)


New World Order by Ministry on Grooveshark


First, a nice little MANDATORY trip to the grocery store.  You'd rather bury yourself in your own bed, but alas, you seem to be completely out of 95% of your MUST-HAVES.  You've driven all the way to the Wal of Evil, which is at the opposite end of town, and it's only THEN that you realise your purse is still at home.  So, you drive all the way back, get your purse and go to the much closer grocery store.  Sure, it's closer, but it too is HEINOUS in its own special way.



I HATE vegetables.  Vegetables are SO STOOPID.
Just looking at these vegetables makes me want to GAG.
Fried food. I need fried food with melty cheese and chocolate.  Together.



;) why, hello there
WHUZZAT?!?  DID SOMEONE JUST SAY SOMETHING TO ME?!?

Yeah, you get the vegetables, even though they make you want to YARK.


Then, just past the vegetables, something catches your eye:  DATE SQUARES!  Oh, how yummy!  You've always loved date squares, but nobody else in your little family is too enthused so you never have them. In fact, you haven't had them in ages because--OH--OH---OHDEARGOD, the two people YOU know who used to make them ARE GONE.  GONE FOREVER!!!  NOBODY WILL MAKE YOU DATE SQUARES AGAIN.  You are nearly sobbing right there in the store.


MOOOOOOMMMMMM!  GRAMMMMMMAAAAA!

Beware:  Satan lurks among the racks in a very, very attractive form...



buy me, karen.  I know how much you love me.
Come on...the kids are at school,
so it could be just you, me and a spoon.  

FIGHT IT, KAREN, FIGHT IT WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT

You survived getting groceries.  You almost had to yell GET OFF to several ancient people who were all breathing down your neck in the produce section, but you kept your calm.  Okay, time to check out!

OH SON OF A  %$*#!!!!  WHORE, WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE ONLY ONE CASHIER OPEN!?!?!?

I HATE YOU SOBEYS!!!!!!!

* Sobeys is a heinous Canadian grocery store chain, my American and International friends.


So then it's back to your car.  Hey!  It's been SNOWING! AGAIN!!!





DID WINTER ACTUALLY EVER USED TO BE FUN?!?  NO, SERIOUSLY, WAS SNOW EVER ENJOYABLE?  DOES ANYBODY REALLY LIKE PUTTING ON THE GIANT COAT, BOOTS, HAT, MITTS, SCARF, WOOL SOCKS EVERY FREAKING SON OF A BITCH TIME THEY GO OUT?!?  DO THEY?  DOOOOOOO THEEEEEEY!?!?!?



I HATE YOU WINTER!!!  I HATE YOU SOOOO HARD!!!!!!!!!


At last..back to the safety and warmth of your own home....





yes!




Yes! Yes!




YES! YES!  YES!





OH YES BABY YES GIVE IT TO ME YES YES YES YES


Okay karen, what you need is a GOOD night's sleep.  If you have THE PMS, sleep will HEAL YOU!




WHYYYYYYYYYYY ??????



Something has to give....






WE DON'T NEED NO WATA LET THE M*THAF*CKA BURN! BURN M*THAF*CKA
BURRRRRRNNN!  HOORAY! HOORAY!  HOORAY!  



SIGH




(* yeah, those are not actual photies of MY house.  What do you think I am, people?) 

28 comments:

  1. i could work with any of those pics of the house except the litter pan. that one's particularly yarky.
    vegetables have been my closest companions lately. my sister asked me to be in her wedding in aug, so it's time to strip off some fat so i can look less disgusting in my inevitably awesome (picture those last 2 words written in sarcasm font) bridesmaid dress. 8 lbs down, 32 to go.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH YOU GO, GIRLFRIEND! Sherilin--sweet mother of noodles, I can't tell you how I convulsed just reading the word "bridesmaid dress". You've lost 8 pounds so far though? That's FANTASTIC! I wish you lived here so we could POWER WALK together. Power walks are near impossible during PMS.

      Anyhoo--wasn't that cat box pic GROSS?? My lord. It cracked me up though.

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  2. I used to empty the litter box five seconds after the cat bombed it. Then I just got a Litter-Robot. Obamacare should require all cat owners to get a Litter-Robot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh my god, Fred, you are so right. I wish I had that and fire The Man.

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  3. i take it your pms cure is not curing this month!?get some nuttella and dip those doritos you love into it..instant cure.p.s. i loved that song in my younger days, and guess what it is still cool,at least something i like still seems cool.

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    Replies
    1. I still like the song too Paula--but just not all the time. Oh, the PMS pills still work, but it means instead of 14 days of hell, I get 4 or so scattered here and there. I was having a particularly juicy one the other day.

      doritos and nutella. Mon dieu.

      Delete
  4. So - tell us how you're really feeling, Karen. No, don't hold back. Let it ALL out.
    Litter Robot? Wow, that sounds cool! Can it be programmed to do other domestic chores? Sounds way better than a man... My Other Half promised that his new year's resolution would be to empty the cat litter tray. Not done it ONCE. Not once. Can you hear me seething all the way over here in the UK?
    Hope Weeping Karen turns back to Laughing Karen asap. Cos you're scaring me. Hahaha! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, not only do I HEAR you and FELL you on this litter box debacle, Curtise, I'm holding your hand and nodding. And all my homegirls--we're all nodding at each other. We don't even need to say anything. There are no words NECESSARY.

      Solidarity. It's what it's all about.

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  5. I think Nutella must me THE cure for PMS. It's a must-have cupboard item. Hilarious post--I gave you an award on my blog today. If you don't run screaming from them, please stop by and grab it! ;D

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    Replies
    1. Why thank you Ms. Wombat. I will get to that. Just don't be alarmed if it takes me ages, because that's how I be's.

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    2. It took me over a month for me to pass this one on, so no judging going on over here.

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    3. oh good, because I can be REALLY, REALLY BRUTAL.

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  6. Is it really snowing at home???? Say it aint so!!

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    Replies
    1. No, not today Steph--this was THE OTHER day.

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    2. whew! still oving the head cropping photos :)

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    3. thanks Steph...I wonder if I do it most of all for ME

      Delete
  7. I just love your face.
    I was going to say that your face makes me laugh but if you didn't get what I would mean by that, you would just think I'm being mean.
    m.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Mark, you SILLY LITTLE THING. I would get what you mean.

      Delete
  8. I'm more than a bit upset that you found pictures of my house and posted them! Okay, it's not QUITE that bad but in the throws of pre-monstral-syndrome, it sure feels like it. I share your pain, sister. I share your pain.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. even the litterbox??? Ha, I think that first one must be some poor hoarder's home.

      Delete
  9. Ummm, what exactly is in the third to last picture?

    Never mind, I don't want to know.

    I hope the Nutella makes you feel better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha ha ha ha Vesta--is it the litterbox photie? That is the most disgusting pic ever. I didn't buy the Nutella, and I climbed the walls like a meth addict all night till I went to bed.

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  10. 1) That was awesome.
    2) That's the worst litter box I've ever seen.
    3) Nutella and I also have a love/hate relationship. She's an evil and fickle beast.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well Dr C, the good thing about Nutella is that it's AWESOME at first, and so sickening after a little while...so, it kind of is the perfect snack! You know; like cashews! So awesome and then you just want to gag.

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  11. Karen, I lurv you. Or did I already say that?

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  12. I actually found the soundtrack relaxing.

    ReplyDelete

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