Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Remember Me, G*dd@m%&!

Oh, there is ALWAYS at least one song stuck in this tiresome broken record brain of mine, and right now it's the song from my last post, and even more than that, it's THIS SONG.

I know this whole Adele album is about a painful breakup with her boyfriend, but I'm dedicating this song to ME, goddamnit.

(Bear with and forgive me, friends of Jesus; I needed that word today).

I just had an epiphany, and it's a damn good thing too because I've been hating on myself FOR DAYS.

Anyhoo, I went to the doctor's today.   No, not for the thyroid stab-o-rama:  that's on April 25.

I went because on Friday my belly button felt really weird, and on Saturday the area of my body that is FAR, far too close to my pancreas and liver was doing weird, vague squeezy pains ALL DAY.  And then the next day when I woke up, that area was not all squeezy and hurtish anymore, but NUMB.

Numb.  What the HELL is that???

So, my belly button felt weird, was stinging and a little sore, and when I tried to do some really stupid dancing just to inspire Jack to say;

"Mom.  Stop it."

it felt all...thick or something right around my middle.

So, after basically turning my belly button inside out and having a good look in the mirror, and seeing nothing wrong with it--


I have to interject here for a minute.  Belly buttons are horrifying.  The only time they should be probed is with a soap finger.  And then left alone.  Always left alone.

Because if you poke it too hard, I'm CONVINCED you'll LOOSEN THE KNOT and touch innards.

Oh, you laugh, but are you quite certain it won't happen?  You think you're not just a giant, walking BALLOON?  Keep laughing then.  We'll see who's right one day.

Oh my god.  Where was I?

Right--sore belly button, and bulgy feeling guts.  I googled, and because I thought I had an umblical hernia anyway, I was worried that it had gotten worse.  And organs were spilling out of me like so much sausage.  Or maybe intestines were becoming STRANGULATED.

In the meantime, on Saturday I had that weird squeezy feeling in the upper right quadrant of my abdomen.  I suppose I could have connected this to the mini eggs orgy I'd had ALL of Friday night and most of Saturday.  I could have linked it to the onslaught of stomach acid that ensued...

but that is really not very creative.

I figured that I'd shocked my pancreas and liver into overdrive as they desperately tried to pump out insulin to overcompensate for all that sugar.  Hence, the more rhythmic on and off discomfort.

I also concluded (after I'd ruled out pancreatic cancer) that it was probably a bacterial ulcer brought on by the stress of living this poopy ka ka life.

I read too much.

See, if you eat a bag of candy coated chocolate eggs all day, you're probably going to suffer some healthy acid reflux, just as, for example, if you eat pizza for four meals in a row, chances are you don't actually have ASS CANCER, just a whopping case of indigestion.

Logic, my friends.

But I was worried about the hernia, so I went to my doc to have her squish me a little.

Good news:  I don't have an UMBILICAL HERNIA, I just have a boring abdominal hernia.  No organs are going to come tumbling through a gaping tear.

Bad news:  this is still HORRIBLE for self esteem.  It's also sad to know that since last year I have only lost FOUR POUNDS.  For someone who tries to never look at that number on the scale any longer, finding that out was crushing.

So, I was super bummed.  I ranted.  I wailed.  I proclaimed life to be a SHIT SANDWICH, MADE WITH MOLDY BREAD (do you like that one?  I was particularly proud of it).  The Man said basically that maybe I'd actually gotten FATTER (not his exact words, luckily) at one point during the course of a year and really I've lost TEN pounds, but I just don't know it!  HURRAH!  This could well be true.  I know my clothes have gotten looser.

I pointed out that a GUY can cut out a couple of cookies every day and lose ten pounds, but I eat healthy, exercise all the time and four pounds???  IN A YEAR????  You girls know what I'm talking about.

We have babies and our bodies change.  Our hoots change.  They have stretch marks now.  Our hips get JUICIER.  I can't describe it.  They're just juicier.  Our actual waist is now somewhere much closer to our armpits.

And we obsess.  And we worry.  And we fret.  And we agonize.  And we beat ourselves up over it.  And we look at old pictures of ourselves and go into a tailspin of depression.  And we miss our long hair.  And we miss those old jeans.

And we forget that we are good.  We are funny.  We are strong.  We pushed that double stroller for miles.  We learned to drive stick shift, and we could work that clutch no problem stuck in traffic going UPHILL.  We pooped on the delivery table, but bygod we pushed that baby out!  We made Christmas dinner for a roomful of people.  We got those kids through the stomach flu, ear infections, throat infections. Etc, etc, etc...

Why do I keep forgetting all this????

So I'm going to play the song, and then I'm going to make a really healthy sandwich and an Ovaltine, and I'm going to remember I am what I am, and that's all that I am, and it's not as bad as I thought.


  1. I know now. I know you are way more of a hypochondriac than myself... I have to sit here an laugh because my hubs went to see the Dr. about a rash on his legs and arms..and he said to the DR. he was surprised I had not already diagnosed him correctly......HE told the DR. I was a hypochondriac...and that I thought everything leads to cancer.......well they had this good old laugh together.

    So I can laugh out of pure motives here.....

  2. Oh yes indeedy! I too think all roads lead to cancer.

    Meh--it's this time of year. It gives me the total heebie jeebies.

  3. Karen, I am snort laughing with tears rolling down my face! I don't know anyone that can describe an imminent death belly button story like you!!! Oh so good.

  4. thanks Leanne, I was hoping it would come across that way!

  5. I was always told that if you twist your finger in your belly button, you unscrew your bum so it falls off. I believe that is anatomically correct. Obviously going near a belly button is fraught with danger.
    So - sore squeezy numb weird bulgy belly? That sounds horrid. But you're right, despite the shit sandwich on mouldy bread of life (I will acknowledge the source when I use this phrase, which I will, regularly) YOU ARE GOOD. And so bloody funny. And pretty marvellous actually. Hernia be damned! xxxxxxxx

    1. Curtise, the bum/belly button connection made me laugh out loud.

      Thank you--you're right: HERNIA BE DAMNED! Thyroid be damned too. So there.

  6. I don't ever check with Dr. Google. He tells me all sorts of stuff. Bad stuff, scary stuff. I swear its like that game of 7 degrees to Kevin Bacon except when I consult Dr. Google its 7 degrees to pancreatic cancer. Always.

    And I am convinced the belly button IS like the car's eject seat button. You don't ever want to touch it for fear of what it may shoot out. Never ever touch the belly button. Ever.

    And I like you just as you are. So there.

    1. Lizbeth, this is why you're so special to me: you GET the belly button.
      Thank you. You're making me feel all warm and fuzzy.

    2. lol. 7 degrees to pancreatic cancer! you hypocondriacs are funny.

  7. what's that matter with you people and your anxiety over belly buttons? i had mine pierced twice & if i ever get thinnish again, i may very well give it another go. and don't tell anyone, but i kind of like to have it pulled on when i'm feeling frisky. raawwwr!
    i laughed at your "pooped on the delivery room table" description. i had a c-section, so thankfully i got to forgo the table pooping while surrounded by strangers.
    i hope your doc gets your guts fixed up in no time. you're not allowed to fall apart yet.

    1. oh you missed pooping as you try to push a baby out! I'm sure you're devastated. Sigh.

      Okay, you put that belly button frisky thing in there to make me GAH didn't you. It's not nearly as bad as the pedi egg, but if I imagined anyone pulling on my belly button I'd have to go curl up in a ball for a while. But then, my belly button is much, much weirder now.

    2. i do kind of enjoy saying/writing things that make people cringe and wad up their faces. it's a gift. =)

  8. NEVER look up medical stuff on the

    Glad you are not dying of belly button leakage.

    1. yeah...and on that note, DON'T google "umbilical hernia" in the Google Images section. Shudder.

  9. Just when I tidy up one aspect of my life and get it going, some other aspect starts circling the drain. Is there a balance? Is it possible? I am actually eating right these days. But. I picked smoking back up (I'm stupid stupid stupid). Don't smoke!!!

    1. no worries Al. You're talking to a militant anti smoker. How militant? Oh you have no idea. But, that's because I sucked so much second hand smoke down whilst growing up. How much? Let's not go there.

  10. And now I just had an epiphany: I am indeed a giant walking balloon.

    1. that's good. It's very good you've acknowledged this because then you'll always remember to KEEP THOSE FINGERS OUT OF THERE.

  11. Yay for the happy and uplifting ending!

    And, I am SO glad to know I'm not the only one that worries about the belly button being more of a plug that keeps our guts in.

    1. shudder...belly buttons are horrid. Just think of the weird symbiotic connection to our mothers they used to offer. SCI FI! IT'S LIKE A HORRIBLE SCI FI MOVIE!

      Speaking of's the teen book going???

  12. I hope you feel better! =)

    1. thank you Hope. What a coincidence you popped in again--I was just thinking about how much I loved your photos and wondered if I'd ever be able to find your link again. Because I'm a scatter brain like that.

  13. You poop on delivery tables? Girls are gross! No wonder I'm gay.
    Hey listen, I've been bustin' my ass off walking everyday to work for the past four weeks or so and only lost 3lbs. I mean, I'm totally killing myself and I only took 3 pounds off!
    We're in this together.
    Your Friend, m.

    1. Oh Mark, thank you. You are wonderful. Hey! I was going to tell you to get an ipod or some other mp3 thingie and then walking is far, far less boring. You are a great music fan too, so it would make it all better!

    2. maybe mark only lost 3 lbs for all that walking because he's gay. maybe you lose weight easily only if you like women. if that's the case, i'd better check with some of my lesbian buddies to see if it's easy for them like it is for straight men. i could maybe learn to like some women...

  14. Dude, need to be listening to "Bootylicious" or "My Humps" or some such shit, and just be all "that's right, mama's got curves."

    Don't we torture ourselves enough? Yeah, we do. So just get your hernia thing sewed back up and get your neck thing all handles and stop obsessing over that other crap.

    "I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful!" What About Bob, it's the key to life's mysteries.

  15. Of course you're right. But you know that, woman!


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