Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I'm Burning That Hat, And Then I'm Going To Pee On It

My god, everyone.

My god.

Sigh.

Okay, so I just clacked up my Florida vacation rehash EXTRAVAGANZA, right?  Oh, first, can I say that at least three of you were horrified by how long it was.  I want you to know that this reaction does not horrify me, but instead, it DELIGHTS ME.  Wonderful!  Just wonderful!  I had a lot to say people.

So, I've been back for two days now, and my dad is still in Florida.  He just emailed me a whack of photos from the trip.

I'm spiraling to the bottom.  Actually, I'm going to get The Man to go out and BUY ME A MASK.  Why?  Because, clearly?  I'm HIDEOUS.  Oh the tragedy.  Or, au naturel karen is hideous.  But same difference.

Before I went away, in a little store near my house, I saw this hat.  It's a large brimmed straw hat, that is white, with blue rings.  I thought it was awesome.  Also, it fit my head.  I felt a little hesitant to buy it because it's a bit frou frou.  It's a bit hoity toity.  It's a bit la-di-daaaaa.  But I thought, HELL WITH IT.  I'm ALMOST FORTY.  I can wear WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT.  If I want to be GLAMOUROUS, I'm going to f*cking well be GLAMOUROUS.    I'm going to be at the pool in my low cut bathing suit, and my big, glamourous hat, and I'm going to look like this:





That's right.  If the vintage loving gals I love to read there on my right sidebar of the blog (Curtise, Sarah, Helga, and Miss Simmonds) live glamour and fun clothes all the time, so can I!

Then my dad sent the pictures.

They are all SO UGLY.  SO INCREDIBLY SHOCKINGLY HIDEOUS that I can't even share them with you.

I get a terrible double chin when I have the PMS.  :(

That hat?  That hat looks SO RIDICULOUS that when my dad drives it home (no room in my suitcase after the rampage scented goodies purchasing at Victoria's Secret) I am going to take that hat.  I am going to burn that hat.  And then I am going to pee on it.


I'll just have to show you the arted version I did for you instead:


A:  Note the stupid "bullseye pattern" Perfect for being bird shat on.
B:  Stoopid brown sunglasses I used to think made me look "cute."
C:  horrible, humidity choked, corkscrew FRIGHT WIG hair
D:  jowls.  Thanks aging process.
E:  GARGANTUAN PMS EXTRA CHIN

Ever had that happen where you were convinced you looked awesome...until the pics came back???


Sigh.

56 comments:

  1. sadly , yes I have had that happen! My cousins wedding...I thought I was cute in my new blck and yellow dress, new shoes, fab haircut...then we downloaded the pictures and OH DEAR GAWD!!! I looked aweful!
    Sorry to hear that Karen...you know that even though you think you dont look that great...the rest of may disagree...you should post a few, let us be the judge! :)
    PS when you burn your hat, be sure the flames are out before you pee on it...that could cause a different crotch issue altogether...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. burnt crotch!!!!!!!!how to explain that to the er doctor!

      Delete
    2. I must have 10 cameras on me at all times......mmmm

      Delete
    3. Steph, isn't that DEPRESSING?!? ESPECIALLY WHEN WE THINK WE LOOK HAWT! Luckily I didn't try my hardest to look good in that pic, but holy crap, I was hoping I wasn't THAT hideous with little effort.

      Delete
    4. Burnt crotch! Yes--something to consider!

      Delete
  2. Eh, the camera adds 10lbs. When I look bad in pictures, I just figure there were 3-4 cameras on me at the moment.

    It's not your fault. Blame the camera.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm totally blaming MY DAD. Totally. He's fired.

      Delete
  3. oh dear.....oh dear. so what! you are almost 40.....do what you want, you, don't need to be worried about what your peers think because we are all tagging along behind you......

    I just wanna say that you make my day. When I read the bulls eye bird shat I nearly choked on my salad.

    I am having a break after washing that enormous deck, with my wee scrub brush. And now off to glamourize the upstairs....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. woman, you are BIZ-AY! How much is left on your list? OH wait--dumb question: those lists are ENDLESS. In fact, they only end when the closing date arrives. Keep on truckin' girlfriend.

      Yeah, that's why you guys are my friends--we're all in the same intelligent women boat.

      Delete
  4. Constantly!
    I just don't give a fuck anymore,and I don't think anyone else does,really! I just try and suck it all in to make myself feel better,and no one has been impolite enough to mention my flaws,bless 'em.
    You're FABULARSEHOLE,honey!XXX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well Helga, it's hard to imagine you having a bad photo, so damn it--I feel encouraged.

      Delete
  5. i've had that happen almost every time i've had my picture taken! usually the only pics i actually like are taken in my bathroom by me when i could look in the mirror and get myself posed just right and then delete about 15 before i get a good one.
    i have one of those broad straw hats too and i had to stop wearing it because my family members make fun of me too much. and i got tired of being the pale, fat lady in the giant hat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pale fat lady in the giant hat! I've said it a bajillion times, but Sherilinnie, one of the reasons I love you is because you HIT THAT NAIL ON THE HEAD, EVERY TIME!

      Delete
  6. This made me laugh so much! I'm sure you can't be that bad? It must be an exaggeration! Just going back to your other post as I often read these at work (that is what work is for) and you're really was too long for a quick peek.

    Thanks for the mention. Oh and wait til you see photos of me at a posh party looking like a marshmallow. Will post soon

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's precisely that bad. Just wait and see.

      Delete
  7. NO! You will keep the hat to remind you of crappy fashoin choices! And I'm betting it wasn't that bad!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. okay, place your bets everyone. I think I have a winner here, but everyone else, apparently is an OPTIMIST! OH well, that's why I love you, Leanne.

      Delete
  8. I hardly ever like my pictures. Some are even downright hideous. Sometimes I really think pictures lie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. well damn, I had to stare at myself in the mirror after that. Maybe I'm actually two different people! Maybe my UGLY DOPPELGANGER was in Florida! Yes, that's it.

      Delete
    2. isn't it stupid how you can look in the mirror and feel like you look kind of cute and maybe a bit whimsical and yet the photo tells a different story all together? cameras are very, very mean.

      Delete
    3. and this was the most sadistic camera EVER, Sherilin!!!!

      Delete
  9. Pictures are horrible, lying bastards. But I bet they aren't that bad. Take one, hide it, and look at it a year from now. I bet you'll be surprised at how good you look.

    Or pee on it. Either way, really.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. no, I think I'll be surprised all over again at how shockingly bad it is.

      Delete
  10. I bet you looked fine. I think I take horrible pictures. You told me once I was stupid.

    Bobina has a hat like that for vacation. She rocks it, bet you do to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lance, I'm sure I didn't say STUPID. I'm Canadian after all, and we're crippled by stupid politeness. I may have said "silly?" Or maybe not! You always look hot in your pics.

      Bobina probably rocks it, because she is cuter. The end.

      Delete
  11. Uuuugh! Florida humidity is no joke. I get the frizzy-messy-haired-little-kid thing every time I visit my mom!

    Are you sure you want to burn a hat that fits your head? Personally, I have a very hard time finding hats that fit (because apparently I have a misshapen noggin? No, let's call it unique).

    I think you are probably being hard on yourself. Years from now, you're gonna look at those vacation pics and think "damn, I look fiiiine!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Vesta, your hair always looks so sleek and nice in your pics that this surprises me that you get the Florida frizz. How do people look good there?!?

      Nope. Those pics are bad. Really, really bad.

      Delete
  12. Personally, I think it's not the camera, or the hat, or YOU, but Florida. I visited Florida once back in my youth. I was on a work trip with several of my colleagues, and I found wearing tailored clothing that was appropriate at home in New York felt like a living hell in Miami.

    I decided to buy some fun wear for the downtime between planning meetings. Cue the gigantic white hat, which was designed with more than a brim. Brims are for sissies! No, this hat had a full verandah. This hat was stylish, with a lifeforce all its own.

    I imagined myself, as you did, suddenly much taller, slimmer, tanner, and more glamorous than I have ever been, no doubt due to the miraculous hat transformation ... oh yeah, and a less miraculous cocktail transformation around the pool at a crazy-expensive hotel.

    Pictures? What pictures? Sadly, they did not survive the journey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TD, you made me laugh at the image of tailored clothing being hell in Miami. What a sweaty, humid place!

      You summed up, perfectly, how we both thought that hat would make us look.

      Shudder.

      Delete
    2. i like that the hat had a full veranda!

      Delete
  13. Always take at least 100 pics (WITH YOUR OWN CAMERA - you must be the boss of the photos!) and then delete the 98 pics that make you look hideous and show us the 2 that make you look FABULARSE! Also - pics from above will reduce double chins, stripy glam hats only work if you show them who's boss and it's not frizz, it's a fro!

    Now - show us the pics, so that we may judge you with our judgey lovin' judginess. Pleeeeeeeeease?

    Sarah xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sarah, you are completely right. I don't let people take pics anymore where they are sitting and I am standing. Hell--I take most of my own pics my damn self! I didn't bring my camera. Stupid karen. SO STUPID.

      Okay. Because I love you, I'll show you the pic. Stay tuned.

      Delete
    2. I'm crazy freaky nuts with anticipation!

      (BTW I have posted a piece of Annabel art today - not a scrap on your Jack's amazing art, but I have a feeling you'll appreciate it. )

      Delete
    3. I will appreciate it, because that girl is ADORABLE--and your nephew makes me crazy too. That sounds weird, but you know what I mean.

      Delete
  14. want to see really hellish pictures, go to ' people of walmart'. that sight will make you feel like a superr model, even on the worst days, i remember to put pants on.[you would be surprised at how mant wall of evil shoppers don't]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Paula, I can honestly say, that if I'd walked into walmart with my bathing suit and that hat on, I'd be in next week's email forward.

      Delete
  15. Poor funny almost 40 Karen.
    If it makes you feel any better, I would have looked worse in that hat.
    m.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You'd have rocked it. You know you're super good looking.

      Delete
  16. Bet you are way more critical of the photos - and how you look in general - than anyone else would be. I'm sure most of us have had the same experience of thinking you're looking OK but the photos not matching up. As Sarah says, just take LOTS and delete the crap ones.
    I like the sound of the stripey hat, don't burn it! Or pee on it. You may come back to it when you're feeling more forgiving!
    Double chin(s)? Face not where you left it 10 years ago? Hair that doesn't behave? Yes, yes and yes again, I have all these issues. So bloody what? I can still scrub up OK - and I bet you do too!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Curtise. Darling, kind Curtise. You make me feel better, but just wait till I unveil that picture.

      Delete
  17. EVERYONE: YOU ARE ALL INCREDIBLY KIND. I am going to post this one MASS REPLY first, before I get to individual replies.

    The picture in question is SO BAD. It is so, so, so bad. It shows quite clearly that all fluid during PMS goes directly to my face.

    I agree with you all that usually someone will think they have a very bad photo of them, but it's not that bad to everyone else.

    THIS is not that kind of photo. It is a photo that I will never be able to look at, even when I'm old and look like Jabba The Hut, and say; "wow, I was pretty cute.

    I'll show you guys the photo. Who wants to see it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. were you around when i did a post of my worst existing pictures? because i tend to find a lot of them of myself. and no one can tell me i actually look good in them.
      now present them! it'll be like the reverse of the usual vaca pics. pick the worst ones and make a post about them!

      Delete
    2. ironically, it's a good idea. No, I didn't see those pics of you!

      Delete
    3. http://laughingmyabsoff.blogspot.com/2010/11/this-will-make-you-feel-better-about.html

      and i apologize in advance.

      Delete
    4. yay! I'll go check it out...and today I'll post my hideous photo.

      Delete
  18. I have this hat I wear religiously when we go down to Florida. I don't care what I look like. I may look like a gigantic elephant in a bikini--yeah I wear a bikini down there--and I don't care what anyone thinks. It's vacation. Live it, love it and then burn it when you get home. As long as you had fun and you didn't get sunburnt then it was worth the money.

    Muwwha, missed you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks Lizbeth! I missed you too! Every time I heard "Sanibel" my head would pop up like pavlov's dog, and I'd think, LIZBETH!

      Anyhoo, I didn't get burnt! Hooray me! Hooray SPF SIXTY sunscreen!

      Delete
  19. My word do I understand this feeling. It is so bad at this point that I have to start believing my ass really IS that huge.

    But you know what I say? Screw it.

    Don't look at the pictures for a few weeks, and then look again... They aren't as bad as you think. They might be bad, but not THAT bad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh no Leauxra--that one picture? It IS that bad. It very much is THAT BAD.

      But, people are requesting it, so I'll post it. What an attention whore I am.

      Delete
  20. I'm sure it's not that bad! Please post!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Aw Karen -- I bet it isn't nearly as bad as you think. We're always extra hard on ourselves I think. For my youngest sister's wedding, we all (me and my other sisters) THOUGHT we looked like princesses, then when the pictures came back we discovered we actually looked like assholes. Who wears pale pink well??!

    ReplyDelete
  22. ACTUALLY LOOKED LIKE ASSHOLES!!!! Oh, I LOVE that, Jessica! Damn. Best not to take pictures then, eh?

    Yeah, that pic was pretty bad. I still stand firm on how bad it is, even though lots of nice people here have told me it's not as bad as I think.

    p.s. I love pale pink. Doesn't every girl secretly and not so secretly love pale pink???

    ReplyDelete

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