Today was one of those really bad days.
It's my last day of my 30's, but that's not such a big deal. Not really....
It was one of those days in which I've been racing around like a maniac, trying to get things organized before my birthday. Laundry, vacuuming, dusting, organizing TOY HELL, etc, etc.
I knew I wanted to take some photies of me in that fabulous red dress my lovely friend Leanne sent me. I had all these high hopes yesterday: I was going to get a good night's sleep so there'd be no humongous bags under the eyes, drink lots of water, exercise, eat lots of veggies....
I went to bed too late, and I've been really emotional today.
I was crying a few times today. See, my Mom won't be there on my birthday. Next week will mark two years since she died. I miss her.
Then I had a LADY PARTS scare, and because I'm an A to Z kind of karen, the first conclusion I drew was UTERINE CANCER. I'm sure it's not, but let's just say I did NOT need this TODAY.
Then, I totally, totally forgot that I was supposed to have a meeting with my son's principal half an hour before school ended to discuss what we should do about him suffering slings and arrows from fellow classmates due to all his little Autism Spectrum Quirks. I never forget important shit like that. The principal even had to phone me to see if everything was okay. I apologized like crazy, and she sounded pleasant enough but underneath I could sense...DISAPPROVAL.
|oops...sorry girlie, I eclipsed you with my hair!|
And then, I almost couldn't get anybody to take my pictures. I had this vision of going someplace scenic and just beautiful. You know: me beside a field of spring flowers with the sun at just the right level in the sky, or something?
But that just didn't work out.
Looks like it would have to be in the back yard. With the kids' toys strewn around, and the towels drying on the clothesline. But you know, life is like that, right? It's messy, and there's laundry everywhere--whether clean or dirty--and there's hardly any time to fit in what we really want to do.
And I have to confess: I was scared. I was so scared to put on that red dress. I'm used to being inconspicuous. I'm used to hiding, trying to blend into the scenery. I'm shy. I'm conservative out in public. I don't do wild and crazy things out of my own home. If I put on this red dress and go out in public, I thought to myself, I'll look like an asshole. Who am I trying to kid? Just because I exercised hard for a month? I still don't make the cut.
I came so close to saying forget it, and putting my shlumpy jeans back on.
But you know what? FUCK THAT.
I'm going to be 40 in a couple of hours. I can take care of my family. I am a mother. A protector. A warrior. Yeah, my post-baby stomach didn't lie smoothly under the dress. Who cares. That size 14 Calvin Klein dress fit these 48 inch hips.
And I took those pictures, because I may not be 20, but thank god, because I don't want to be.
It's good to be here.