Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


Well, April's almost done, so let's get ALL CAUGHT UP!

First things first:


Oh, I don't get many spam comments at all here on my blog, but when I do, they're so enjoyable.

Have you read Dr. C's hilarious post about SPAMBOTS and the stupid, inane messages they leave on his blog, in the guise of being helpful?  Well, I've got a few of those comments now in my spam bin!

Dig this:

*  " Thanks in favor of sharing such a good opinion, paragraph is good, thats why i have read it fully"

and then they link to their website, which apparently features "bondage kits and kinky sets."

Well, where were they BEFORE my birthday???  That comment, by the way was left on "I'm Burning That Hat, And Then I'm Going To Pee On It."

Good opinion indeed.

And then there's this:

*  "This paragraph is genuinely a good one it assists new web visitors, who are wishing for blogging"

This follows with a link to a weight loss site.  But, the best part is, that it's a comment left for a post I wrote about FARTING IN FRONT OF MY BOYFRIEND.  HOW DOES THAT ASSIST NEW WEB VISITORS?

I can't believe I wrote a post about farting.  Sigh.


Less than two weeks ago, my 8 year old son Jack's EA, AND his teacher both approached me on their own to specifically tell me how pleasant Jack had been of late.  He was happy.  He was agreeable.  He was his old charming self.  Before the March Break, he had adopted a fine attitude of  "f*ck you and your curriculum.  I'm not interested."  But after the break, everything was GREAT!  We were BACK ON TRACK!

Whatever that means.

and then, THE BEES CAME BACK from wherever it is bees go when it's cold and shitty outside for months and months.

hello Jack.  Remember me?
We're old friends you and I.  OH yes.  YES, YESSSSSSS! 

and do you know who's even worse than THAT honey bee guy up above???



And then it all went down the toilet.

Yes, my friends, spring is here. It's a lovely time for some warm days to sneak in here and there, and remind us that summer's peeking around the corner.  Lovely, balmy weather, which is perfect for kids to play outside!  Why, the teachers think that it's PERFECT to go have gym outside!

This is how life turned into a nightmare for Jack. He is TERRIFIED of bees.  Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: we ALL hate bees, karen.  MY KIDS are scared of bees too.

Yes, but are your kids so terrified that they can't even go outside?  Are they so terrified that the first day of the season the bees returned they immediately developed a full body twitch--nay a full body JERK, and look like they're nearly convulsing as they try to walk home from school?  Do they now have purple circles under their eyes from going to bed at night and fretting that the next day at school they just might have to go outside for gym?  Do they say "YAAAAAY!" when the weather shows RAIN for the next day?

this is how the playground looks to JACK now

Yeah.  Let's just call it a "little challenge", shall we?  It's getting worse every year.  Jack almost ran out in front of oncoming traffic last year as he was flailing away from a bumble bee.

So, I sat down and had a comforting chat with him one night. I pointed out that he is faster than a bee.  His younger sister is faster.  Even his just-turned-4 year old tiny cousin is faster.  "If a bee comes near you," I said, "just run away."  I told him if a bee comes near him when he's on the playground, run to the little kids' playground. If a bee comes to the little kids' playground, run to the school door.  If a bee comes there, run to the baseball diamond, etc, etc.

That seemed to help.  A bit.  So, I did some hunting, and read online that bees and wasps don't really like the smell of mint.  Thus, I'm going to dab him with peppermint oil for these last weeks of school, and make him feel like he's armed against them.

Also, Jack's teacher actually bought a little craft looking palm-sized stuffed bee to be Jack's "bee buddy," and when Jack feels stressed, he can give his bee buddy a squeeze.  Jack loves his new bee friend. I told him that this guy is there to always be brave for Jack when he can not be.  Jack has named him Tyler Joseph Honeybee, and what's most amazing is that he's been doing lots of imaginative play with him; chatting with him, drawing with him, etc.  Jack does imaginative play with Dave, and now with Lego, but since he did none as a little guy, the novelty hasn't worn off.

Still, tonight at bedtime he was hoping for a cloudy, windy day tomorrow.

Poor kid.  There's always something.

♥♥♥ Maxi Pads

Oh come on.  I haven't talked about LADY TSUNAMI stuff in a while.  Believe it or not, last night, when my little red amiga arrived, I was horrified to discover that I, karen tenderheart, was out of pads.

Thrilling story so far, yes?!!

So, I did the frantic dig through every purse I own, and luckily found one.  But, this morning I had to make a trip to Wal of Evil for a few things, and I decided that I would CHEAP OUT and buy their generic crap brand of pads, and not my beloved Always.  I decided that I would give up my love of driweave™ in order to save about three bucks.

Well I'm not happy.

I only had the pad on for a couple of hours and it looked like this (I arted it for you):

What you're seeing here, people, is, of course, my pink gitch, with a pad stuck on.  What you should note is how scrunchy, stupid, folded over, and NOT  WELDED IN PLACE it is on the bottom.  Looks like a disaster waiting to happen to me.

Let this be a lesson to you, karen:  NEVER SKIMP on your feminine paraphernalia.


Yes, this is tomorrow morning.  Bright and FREAKING EARLY.  By the time many of you read this, I'll be hugging my knees and rocking back and forth, with a big bandaid over my throat.  I will be taking the CALM DOWN PILL the doctor prescribed for me, and hoping it totally gives me that WHO GIVES A FLYING EFF feeling I'm really hoping for.

Actually, I don't even want to talk about it, so I'll just give you the picture I arted for you instead to show you all the places I'm going to get jabbed:

I call this "Stabby Throat."  

Oh wait!  There IS one last thing I want to say about nodule stab-a-pa-looza:  THE MAN will not be here tomorrow.  YES, that's right!  He'll be out of town for a meeting!  I also want to point out that said meeting was SUPPOSED to be LAST WEEK, but because FATE LURVS TO POOP ON MY HEAD, it got RESCHEDULED.  WHY DO THESE THINGS HAPPEN?!?

This means, that my dad has to get the kids ready for school, and karen has to wander off to the  sadist's  endocrinologist's A-LONE.  FREAKING ALONE AGAIN AND I CAN'T TURN OFF THE SELF PITY.

Enormous sigh.

At Least I Have THIS To Make Me Happy

People, as you may know, my sister and I love trolling around junk/second-hand shops now.  A few nights ago, I found THIS FABULOUS LITTLE TREASURE

This is a pic I found on the net.  My little buddy
looks EXACTLY like it

IT'S A CAMPBELL'S SOUP KID SPOON REST!  BOO YAH!!!  I want to hug it and kiss it and love it and marry it.  Do you know how much I spent on that, lovies?  ONE FRICKIN DOLLAR, AH YEAH.

I read online that these little spoon rests were made in the early 1970's, and some dude on another website is trying to sell his for $26.

It's the little things that make me happy in life.  The little things that cost a dollar.

And now you're all caught up!  HOORAY!


  1. you've been missing in action lately and i've missed you. but clearly you've been glamorizing and arting up a storm, so i guess your absence can be forgiven.
    how interesting that jack is enjoying his little bee buddy. i wouldn't have thought to give brooke something she was afraid of to help her out. i think that if i did, she'd likely destroy it just to show it that she can. but maybe i'm wrong. or maybe it would be helpful. how clever of the teacher.
    i hope your stabby throat is less traumatizing than usual since you won't have the man around to soothe you. enjoy your happy pill.
    and for God's sake woman, buy a diva cup & be done with it. every time i dig mine out i think of you. don't you feel special now?

    1. Isn't it a good thing to symbolically destroy that which we are afraid of? Kudos to Brooke.

      My stabby throat was OKAY thanks to narcotics! Hooray!

      Yeah, I totally forgot about the DIVA cup to tell you the truth, until I read an old rant post on maxi pads :)

      I do feel special knowing that. I really do.

  2. aww poor Jack I feel terrible for him. That is awful to be so fearful. I'm that way over snakes...and of course I am always living in country areas which is full of them. Sam is terrified of spiders! He'll pick up a snake but a spider makes him nuts.

    You just can't switch from Always Karen! Not worth it! Love the drawing!!!

    Oh I have old campbell soup dolls!!! They are so cute.

    Diane's been reading your blog and totally loving it. Blogger will not let her comment though so she is pissed over that.

    1. that's funny--it should let you post if you choose "open id", skip the line where it wants you to enter an email and hit enter.

      I will try it.

      I haven't been around too many snakes, but I don't care for them just the same!!!

    2. there, I just chose "name/url" instead of open id and typed "karen" in the line where it says name, and ignored the 'url' part

  3. With bees.. Have Jack wear light's a fact that dark colours make them go crazy, also, they tend to attack just before it rains, makes em mad for some reason, so Jack wishing for a cloudy day may not be in his best interests.

    Good luck with your throat stabby thingy.

    1. Sprite, thanks. I read that about the light colours. Unfortunately, it's still stupid cold here, so he has to wear his dark blue winter coat. But, I'll make him wear his white spring jacket if it ever warms up again.

  4. How am I to go to bed now and stop LAUGHING so I can get some freaking sleep? Oh gawd, your art kills me.. never stop. never... ever... stop.

    I loved Epic FAIL... hehehehe

    BTW, the picture of the Campbell's Soup bowl FREAKED ME OUT! For a minute I thought it was YOU who took that picture and I was all wigged out by "your" old, craggedy hand. I thought maybe you need some serious lotion... I had to stare in horror for a minute.. nothing is wrong with the hand, of course, but when I thought it was your's I thought, "But Karen's hands have never looked that way before! What gives!" oh... okay.


    You're going to be fine at the stab-o-rama. And I want you to give me a detailed account on how the drugs work so that I might take some myself whenever I have to freak out over something. And when it's over we'll CELEBRATE!

    1. Now I can't stop laughing over my "craggedy" hand--the hand that wasn't even mine. HIlarious. ANd laughing hurts my froat. My poor, punched throat.

      OH, I'm going to talk about narcotics. Oh yes.

  5. Your art is fan-freaking-TASTIC!!! i love it! And yes, never, ever skip on anything that keeps the world from knowing your amiga is for a visit. NEVER!!! Your cooch deserves tender dry weave, not ass-buching, pube-pulling plastic bunch o`tapeage! God. When will they open a lady store just for this?

    1. no kidding. NOOOOO KIDDING. Can we call it THE PAD STORE? nice and simple, right?

    2. ass-bunching, pube-pulling bunch o tapeage! that's a great line and description.

    3. and something of a tongue twister, too!

  6. Hope the stabby thing goes OK, if I was close by, I would come with you and hold you hand and it would all be fine.
    I'm impressed with Jack's teacher and her idea of the bee buddy, that's genius. And the peppermint oil is another great idea, hopefully it will work as an Invincible Bee Repellant. Apart from on T J Honeybee, that is.
    Don't do pads, can't comment, tampons all the way to the menopause in these here knickers.
    Spoon rest? SPOON REST???? Where is the promised glamour? With mad frockage and extra bling??? I DEMAND that your next thrifting trip is ALL about the glamour. Or at least a frock. PLEASE - for meeeeee, Karen! xxxxxx

    1. Curtise, I would, but apparently the large ladies apparently NEVER give up their fabulous vintage clothing. Seriously: the day I find a size 18 dress is the day I will buy it, and parade around like the tart you and I want me to be.

      Thank you for your kind offer of holding my hand. In lieu of your presence, I let the drugs hold my hand. Worked out great!

  7. Again you're supermum and sounds like you've got super teacher lady as a side kick! Your skill with MS Paint (?) knows no bounds, it's truely amazing. Hope thyroid stabbiness wasn't too awful. I have a similar problem with any menstruation paraphenalia in that it scrunches up at the front.

    1. I LOVE MS Paint! I waste so much time there. Yeah, I think Jack's teacher is amazing.
      I'm glad you share my lady gear woes.

  8. Didn't you take the calm-down pill before the procedure? I hope so. Yes Karen, it's awful. I might blog about my experience with it today.

    1. you should Jeanne, you should! I did indeed take my pill one hour before the appointment. Then I floated in on rainbow waves of indifference. It was lovely.

  9. I have never been tempted to try the off-brand ladies Hi, Jean! products before, and now I know why. Thanks for that important pubic--I mean public service message.

    Hope all goes well with the throat stabbies today.

    1. see? I test these things out for you ladies. Let my mistakes be your gains.

      stabby all done and me so happy!

  10. Your pink panty picture was the cure to my blah day! Way too funny!!
    Hope everything went okay for you this morning :)

    1. yeah, I don't understand these drawing compulsions, but I just go with them, because clearly, I am a TRUE ARTISTE. Har har har.

      It was okay. I'll blog about it soon perhaps. THanks Steph.

  11. Ugh, so sorry about the kiddo and the bees. I hate bees too, but he sounds like he has a full-blown phobia. Let's wish for a blistering hot summer and a mass exodus of the bees soon.

    God, I totally can't draw and am obsessing over your sanitary napkin picture. I mean, it's relatively simple, but I still could not draw it. Nice job though, you really captured the essence of the creeping pad.

    Good luck at the doctor!

    1. Ha! Thanks Flannery. I used to draw once upon a time. Yeah, full blown phobia is right, and it bites. I wish there was some way to calm his fears, but I don't really know what that is.

    2. yeah, I thought about that! I thought, what if we could take Jack to some real bee and make him wear the suit and be surrounded by them? Is that a KILL or CURE situation, or what!!??

  12. Karen, I would go to the stab or rama place with you if i lived closer.....nobody should go that alone. So know I am with you over the miles......and thinking of you.!

    I understand about the bees......both of my boys have come into direct contact with bee hives....and it is a horribly thing to have to pick bees off your child, in every place possible....actually I know the terror of spring, because for a few years my boys did not go outside lest the bees attack.......not to the degree a spectrum kid has it but scary non the less.

    1. Thanks Melissa. At least YOU'D go with me--stinky husband.

      Well, I would say in this case your boys probably matched Jack in his fear of bees, and justifiably so!!! Were they living bees that you picked off them?!?

    2. Yes and stinging them at the same time.......It was out of a nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    3. These are things they don't tell you about before you get pregnant......about how stuff like that kills you, when you see your kids so terrified.

    4. you are so, so right. In fact, that is my agenda a LOT of the time: to provide the TRUTH about being a mom! do YOU feel about bees now?!?

  13. gabe hates dogs, totallyscreams and runs awayfrom a teeny puppy..not fun. usually the dog owner is all apolagetic, but i really know they think my 9 year old if some kind of for the pad dramabeen there, always buy the better stuff, even if we just throw it in the can.

    1. Paula, Jack is FREAKED about dogs. The smaller they are, the more terrifying. There's something that makes him want to lose his mind about those yipping tiny monsters zipping around in a frenzy.

  14. Oh Karen, your life sounds so FUN right now! Especially the needle stabby in the throat thing WHILE YOU HAVE YOUR PERIOD. Most fun EVER! Big hugs for you my friend. Sarah xxx

    1. yeah, but thanks to narcotics with muscle relaxants in them, NO PROBLEMO!

  15. The thyroid shots could be worse. My MIL had to have most of hers removed several years ago and she has a Frankenstein looking scar at the base of her throat.
    Ugh,spam! I get this weir mumbojumbo spam that actually posts. Try as I might, it just makes no sense.
    Once I did a post on yummy stuff for chocolate mayonnaise cake and I got spammed with a comment on egg allergies because it doesn't have eggs. Idiot. Mayonnaise has eggs in it. I left the comment there. It makes me laugh.
    Kiddo used to be scared of bees. Well, she still is. But, she doesn't get away with it at 15 like she did when she was younger. We just make her suck it up.

  16. Hi,

    I have been reading your blog for awhile and always get a laugh! Just wanted to share a little something with u that may change your life in terms of the monthly friend all of us women have to deal with, in light of this last post and your maxi pad debacle. Have you ever heard of the Diva cup? It is a reusable, completely safe FDA approved cup that you insert you know where which then collects the fluid, you empty and then re-insert, it takes a little getting used to but the beauty is no more tampons, pads, no spending money on these useless things anymore, it can handle any amount of flow and can be left in up to 12 hours. Anyways, you can look up more info, I bought mine through, It is a game changer for sure!

    1. thanks very much, Anonymous, for the kind words, and the advice/information! We actually did have a long, hilarious convo about the Diva cup here before! I should bite the bullet and try it. I'm afraid I won't screw it in right, and I'll have thrown 40 bucks down the drain. Maybe it's time to stop being such a baby, yes?!?


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