Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Monday, May 7, 2012

Can't Function--Head Stuffed With Socks

...Or so that's how it feels...


People, people, people.  I am FULL of cold right now.  Stuffed to the brim with it.  I have the barking seal chest, the itchy-teeth sinuses, and even a splash of intestinal distress thrown in, just to make things INTERESTING.

This might be the part in which I say 'blah, blah, blah, I CAN'T COMPLAIN because I haven't had a cold in MONTHS,' but eff that, I'm complaining.  I feel like a sack of shit.

So, in case any of you are thinking "what the hell is karen's damage?  She hasn't visited my blog in a while!  Just know it's because I'm whining somewhere on the couch, or in my bed.

While I was gagging back a coffee this morning-- oh wait.  Yes, I said "gagging." When I have a bad cold, the coffee is not nearly so enjoyable, but since I need that one cup to live, I force it back anyway.  Don't judge.  While I was having my coffee, I was flipping the TV channels, and paused on that visual carnival known as "Ice Loves Coco"


It's a reality show that follows the life of rapper Ice T and his human blow up doll wife Coco Austin.  Wait, that's kind of mean on my part, because Coco (from the nanoseconds of the show I've seen here and there) seems to be a nice person.  Still, I have a bag under my eye, with a crevice above it so deep I could carry pocket change there right now, so I'm not feeling particularly KIND.

Yeah.  Anyhoo...

So, Ice and Coco are sitting there talking about their 10 years...11 years--who cares--together, and apparently, it is in part because COCO has never relaxed her standards on sexiness.  First of all, when Coco gets stressed, she CLEANS THE HOUSE.

There I was, parked on the couch, and there's enough hair on the bathroom floor right now to make a small wig.  POINT GOES TO COCO.

Then, Coco explained that she doesn't ever wear "sweats" while cleaning the house.  No, no, gentle hearts.  She wears high heeled shoes and "booty shorts."

I was going to put up a pic of booty shorts, with a funny caption, but FROCK THAT.  As if I need more hits to my blog from the rabid perverts of the world.

So instead, I'll put up this pic:

weird:  Coco and I have the same workout outfit

So, there she is, all booty shorts and heels doing the dusting and washing dishes and shit.  I was watching this with my mouth hanging open, simply so I could BREATHE, and The Man, had wandered away from his desk out of "curiosity" to see the show, and I said:



and I swear The Man got a sudden sparkle in his eye, like I was actually saying:


and I was going to run over and throw on that flimsy red thing that hasn't seen the light of day in old are the children...and start vaccing up cat hair balls, and the piles of crumbs wedged down the side of the couch.

You know?  It was almost sad.  However, The Man and I have been together for nearly TWENTY years, and let me tell you something people:  the success to a long relationship isn't BOOTY SHORTS, NO!  It's


Ha ha ha...I kid, I kid!   Anyhoo, I have a lot of dishes that need washing, so I'd better dig out my thong, and get to it.

Have a super sexy Monday everyone!


  1. Wait! I think I've seen you vacuum in fur and a tiara. I guess the next logical step is to do it in a thong and heels. I mean, if I can do it, surely, you can!
    I don't think I could even watch a second of Ice loves Coco.
    Hope you feel better soon, you Hot Mess!

    1. you're right--I ALREADY AM fancy! Does your thong have diamonds on it, Mark? OH YOU FANCY, HUH? OH YOU FANCY HUH? NAILS DONE HAIR DONE EVERYTHING BIG...

      sorry. Haven't had my coffee yet.

  2. I've spent a whole week with crap hair and tracky bottoms and my boyfriend still thinks I'm beautiful! woo!

    1. and THAT, Miss Simmonds is real love! Not booty shorts love.

  3. I'm sorry you're sick. That totally blows.

    I'm not sure I have the words for the whole Ice Loves Coco thing. Beyond WTF?

  4. That show is just weird. WEIRD. I saw part of an episode where she said her blood pressure was too high and it had to come down before they could have kids....I still can't register how she's under all that stress. That chick's a total wack job.

    And I do hope you feel better. Hugs.

    1. thanks Lizbeth. Maybe they didn't have just the right kind of bleach for her hair at that time. Maybe that's why her blood pressure was high.

  5. Ugh, feel better soon.

    I've seen the show, and just listening to her voice would make me jump off their penthouse balcony. She's full of shit...the only secret to their marriage is she probably gives good he-support, support to her husband. Yeah, that's it.

    1. HE-SUPPORT! She certainly is a different kind of woman from us, isn't she!

  6. dishwashing in a thong? what else were you wearing? nipple clamps? a butt plug?
    i'm all for cleaning the house in some booty shorts, but i'm afraid it would make for a turned-off situation for the man rather than turned-on. plus, he hates it when i hit him with my feather duster and vac hose. and by hate, i mean loves and by loves, i mean, if i cleaned like that, the house would never get clean because the man would want to have a big dirty bang-fest right in the middle of the living room every time i got pissed and started cleaning.
    ok, probably none of that was sensible or appropriate, so i'll be signing off now. i'm in my bra and about to go work out. there will be a lot of bending over & groaning.

    1. Dirty bang fest cracked me up. Okay, that's going to be the name of the porno movie you produce. Then there can be a million sequels. Dirty Bang Fest 9, etc.

      Yeah, not a lot of cleaning would get done.

  7. Those kind of "reality" shows make my heart sink. They're full of shallow vacuous people showing off their shallow vacuous lives with the sole intention of making other people feel disillusioned and dissatisfied. It's a cheap sham. Don't buy into it and more importantly, don't do it to yourself!!!

    I sympathise with your lurgee. It sucks to be ill BIG TIME. I've had a cold and sore throat for the umpteenth time this year. I've never been one to suffer from poor physical health but since I turned 30 it seems my body has decided it's time to give up fighting! Sending you well wishes :) x

    1. Lucy, I so agree with you. That is why I almost never watch these types of shows--except when I'm sick and vulnerable.

      Since I've had the kids I've had a zillion colds and flus.

  8. Sorry you feel like a sack of shit, Karen, especially if it's meant you were too ill to turn the TV channel over to something less crazy. Yes, of course the secret to marriage is that the WOMAN doesn't drop her sexy standards, only her drawers. Sorry - booty shorts. God, if I wore them, half a mile of cellulite would be hanging out the back, and THAT ain't sexy.
    You'll have to excuse my jaundiced tone, I am in the grip of the PMS bitch fever, I think you know how that goes...

    Anyway - feel better asap, don't let the thong split your infinitives, and I gave you an award over on my blog, because you deserve it, and you just love them so much, hahaha!

    1. thank you Curtise. Because I love you, I'll get round to that as soon as ALL THE FREAKING STRESS HAPPENS AROUND HERE.

  9. I don't do housework.End of story!
    But if I did,I think I'd probably have to dress up for it,or I would get very,very depressed.
    I am slightly,embarrassed to say that I find these 2 frigging IDIOTS a little compelling,but I can only watch about 5 minutes due to getting disgusted with myself!!!
    I just find this reality TV thing sooo appalling! Lucy is SO onto it in her comment!
    Feck this being sick lark,poos to that.I strongly suggest 1/2 bottle of whisky and burn all booty shorts!

    1. yeah, but Helga, you do SEXY, but you do it CLASSY, whereas SHE might as well just frigging be naked.

      Whisky IS the answer.

  10. Thong, pasties, heels, Vaporub and tissue stuffed up your nose to stop the dripping!!! I double dog dare you!!! Coc's stupid. My idea of sexy is shaving up to the knee. And that's why I love marriage!

    1. SHAVING UP TO THE KNEE! Oh my god. That has made my day. That, and "Coc's stupid."

  11. Oh Karen, we love her.

    Do I want to comment on whether marriage is about sex? Been married (to Tom, that is) 30 years, rounding up.

    Do I want to comment on how men easily experience arousal in a very obvious way, but women need to teach them that doesn't mean you have to have it every time that happens. It's like how they love dirt and exploding things; we need to teach them.

    1. JEANNE, that is a wonderful comment. So, so witty. They love dirt and exploding things but we need to teach them. Here here! Or is it hear so tired.

      That's why I love YOU WIMMENS. You're smart!


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