Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Cup Of Yecchh

WARNING:  EXTREMELY IMMATURE, GRODY, INCORRIGIBLE POST AHEAD, WITH BAD, AND RATHER TASTELESS ILLUSTRATIONS.  READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.  PREFERABLY NOT WHILE EATING A TURKEY SANDWICH, OR ANY OTHER SANDWICH OF CHOICE.  

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I'm going to have to rename my period.

Instead of calling it my "LADY TSUNAMI," which is APT, I'm going to perhaps change the name to "UP CLOSE AND SUPER PERSONAL WITH MY VA-GEE-GEE."  But that's too long.

Oh well, whatever.

Okay, so recently, before my red buddy arrived, I was at the health food store picking up a new bottle of THE SUPPLEMENT.  You know; those magical pills that keep me from murdering someone during PMS time?  And while I was in there, I happened to see THESE:


www.divacup.com


And then I heard the voice of Sherilinnie in my head, which came from one of my last posts complaining about maxi pads and whatnot (AGAIN.  I was complaining AGAIN.  It's what I do).  She said something to the effect of  JUST SHUT UP AND BUY THE DIVA CUP AND BE DONE WITH IT ALREADY.  Sherilin talks about her experiences with the cup HERE  and holy crap, I can't believe she talked about it almost a year ago.

Anyhoo, so I saw that cup was on sale.  Thirty two bucks.  And I thought F♥CK IT.  I'M TAKING THE LEAP.  Or the plunge, as it were.

But which to choose?  Diva cup 1, or Diva Cup 2??

Cup 1 sez:  "For women under 30 years old who have never delivered vaginally or by c-section."

Cup 2 sez:  "For women over 30 who have had kids, and now have giant, frigging, monster-sized vaginas."

or something like that.  Here, I have arted for you what would happen if I chose the dainty size 1:


That's me, walking along in my jammies, with no gitch on, obvs.  See how much I lurv you guys?  I drew the cup EMPTY.


And here's a picture of a little man, celebrating having made it to the top of Crotch Mountain.





There's no real reason to include this picture, but I thought it was some quality art on my part.


Moving right along, I bought the more substantial size # 2 cup, and brought it home as quickly as I could, so I could horrify The Man and Ella.

And here is the scene that ensued:


Me:  Look Ella!  This is what grownup ladies put in their hoohoos when they have their periods!

The Man looks at the Diva Cup with a mixture of horror and revulsion.

The Man:  "How big is it?!?  Is that going to be comfortable???"

Me:  "I don't know.  Look at the how-to diagram on the side!"



simply fold GIANT CUP in half and CRAM IT, LADIES!
 The Man:  "Uhh!!  I don't even want to know."

Me:  "If it doesn't work, it'll be your SHOT GLASS!"

Me:  CHORTLE CHORTLE CHORTLE

Me:  "If it doesn't work, it'll be your JUICE CUP!"

Ella:  "Yeah Dad!  Don't drink the--(in a loud, confidential whisper to me:  "what's the 'red pee-pee' called?")

Me:  "No honey.  Don't make jokes to Daddy about drinking 'red pee-pee'."

Ella:  "YEAH, AND DON'T DRINK THE RED PEE-PEE!"

And then Ella and I held each other and GUFFAWED.

The Man:  "Won't you be squeamish?"

Me:  "No.  Honey, I've been handling my junk for years."

The Man:  "You better watch you don't drop it."

Me:  "I hope I drop it on you!  YEAH!!!  IT'LL BE LIKE A SCENE FROM CARRIE!!!"





The Man:  "Gross."


Don't worry.  The Man and girlie have recovered.

So, then finally, along came my period.  And I was forced to use this thing.  I was actually forced to squat in the hall, outside the only bathroom we have, because one of the kids was taking a bath to insert it that first time.  Such is life.

Okay, I followed instructions, folded the flexible silicone cup into a u-fold, aimed for my tail bone, er, you know, gave er' a twist so the cup opened up, farted around with some minor adjustments and blah, blah, blah.  There, I said to myself.  Success!

And then my brain started shrieking:

I DON'T LIKE IT.  GET IT OUT.  I HATE IT.  I AM AWARE OF IT.  GET IT OUT NOW.  IT'S TOTALLY FREAKING ME OUT.  IT'S WEIRD.  IT'S A TOTALLY ALIEN CONCEPT.  YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE TAMPONS.  I CAN FEEL IT IN THERE, LIKE A FOREIGN BODY.  WHAT IF THIS THING GIVES ME CANCER.  CAN THIS THING GIVE ME CANCER?  OH DEAR GOD, I JUST WANT A FREAKING MAXI PAD!!!

And then I calmed down.  The, the next time I...er...emptied it, I realised, that--waaait a minute--this is kind of cool!  Think of how many pads I've already saved by wearing it a whole day!

Then I felt ... EMPOWERED!  LIKE I HAD A BRILLIANT SECRET!  LIKE I WAS A MODERN WOMAN!  Ha!  I'd thrown off the shackles of 29 years of maxi pads!



I was actually going to stop contributing to MAXI PAD MOUNTAIN!  And just think:  in ONE YEAR, I WILL RECOUP THE MONEY I HAVE SPENT ON THIS DIVA CUP--

noise of the needle on the record scrrrreeeeech....


Yeah.  I have to use this thing for almost an entire year in order to save money.  Oh come on.  You can do the math with me.  Say the average bag of pads costs six bucks.  Let's say I use that whole bag of pads for one period.  But I don't.  I probably used about half the bag per period...

Oh, math is BORING.

You get the gist.

But I have to say, I've been using it for several days, and it's worked FABULOUSLY.  Next to no leak problems, as I'm getting to know the thing.  I wore it overnight and SLEPT ON MY BACK, PEOPLE.

So what's the biggest problem?  It's WEIRD.  It's a radically different idea (for me) from maxi pads--or any traditional feminine protection products.  Plus, as I'm hunkered down, giving that cup a twirl, and getting the cup just right, and swiping a discreet finger over my crotch to make sure it's all centered and shit, I'm getting really sick of my lady bits.  Seriously--I just want to wash that buddy in the morning, and have little else to do with it for the greater part of the day.

Oh!  And I can finally track MILLILITERS (or ounces, my American friends.  It also has those measures on it), which is--I'M SORRY, BUT IT IS-- WAY COOL.

So, over all, I have to say SUPER WIN!  I'm all clean now!  And I didn't have to resort to mister evil TAMPON, which I think is UNNATURAL, and PLUGS YOU UP, instead of letting you FLOW FREELY, AS YOU ARE OUGHT, and comes with a nasty risk of TOXIC SHOCK SYNDROME!


Jerk.

what'd I ever do to YOU???

and I didn't have to deal with this bunchy  a$$hole:




So, all in all!   WIN!  THE CUP IS MADE OF WIN!

45 comments:

  1. Sam hell Christ, woman!!! You are way brave! I will not, repeat, will not be putting a cup in my canal. I am grossed out just thinking about it. I'd be so worried all the time "Can they see it?" "Does it make my uterus look fat?" Plus, I would probably walk like a duck (I know) just trying to keep it up there! Having said that, do they come in Bovine size?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Leanne, I love you. I had to get that off my hoots first. DOES IT MAKE MY UTERUS LOOK FAT!!! Does it come in a larger size? Like a combo crotch cup/cereal bowl? I'm sure your vageegee is fine.

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  2. If women had something like this back in the Dark Ages, we'd be ruling the whole world by now. By the way, I'm a Karen too. I would definitely say this is a typical Karen post...love it! love it! love it!

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    Replies
    1. pleased to meet you, Karen! Maybe they did have some medieval horror cup for ladies back then...but it was probably forged from iron, or lead, and killed the woman who wore it.

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  3. yay! i giggled myself stupid through most of this post and i'm so glad you finally sucked it up and came over to the red side. you know, cuz divas wear red. by the time you hit your third period with her, you won't even notice anymore, just like wearing a tampon & WAAYYY better than a pad. i recommend you cut almost that whole stem off though. it's irritating and you don't need it for removal. and it's not like it can work its way up further and need to be fished out.
    the first time i wore it to the pool last summer, i was paranoid that the people around me could see the post poking out. as if the other mothers and toddlers were trying to gaze straight up my twat to see what was happening up there.
    you'll get to know your cervix in a whole new way as you check for a proper seal, but hey, it's like science class in the bathroom.
    have you been charting how many ounces you drop per day? you know you've always been curious. wanna race? see who can make it to a liter first? oh, who am i kidding? you'd totally win with your lady tsunami.
    i'm proud of you, kar. =)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sherilin, you actually made me shriek with laughter. My favourite part is that you were paranoid people could see the "POST" poking out!

      No. I love that too much. Give me a moment.

      Yeah, I'm pretty intimate with the proper seal already! I've got it DOWN! Actually, the 'stem' bugged me the very first time, but never since. I found I just had to cram it up about a millimeter higher and then I didn't feel it.

      I'm at 105 ml right now, but things are winding down. Shall I convert that to ounces for you, my American chum? I just looked it up! That's 3.55 US fluid ounces. Hooray!

      It's all because of you that I did it Sherilinnie ♥♥♥

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    2. you're a heavy bleeder, but i think the cup will solve you flowing worries. and if it's super heavy, you can always just dump it more often. i never need to more than twice a day, which i find wonderfully easy. plus, i can use my white towels even when i'm ragging cuz i don't leak a scrap anymore.

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    3. ah...the mythical white towel during one's period...I checked mine more often, since I'm getting used to it. Still, it's good I think!

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  4. Seriously??? I am so curious about this thing! I have heavy bleeds with accidents galore especially in bed! I have not worn a tampon since before I got pregnant. I totally agree with you letting it flow out too!!! Not only are you saving money but the landfill and that's a good thing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too Pam! ME TOO! I love this thing. I didn't feel like a smelly toddler in a diaper once. Wait, that's gross. You know what I mean though. There was only one night that the cup was nearly full, and otherwise if you change it ever few hours, you're good to go!

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  5. Number one, it never occurred to me your vagina would be a different size after having kids.

    Huh. I guess that makes sense, but I thought it was like a rubber band, and would sort of snap back. No?

    Second, I laughed so loud at the drawing of the cup falling out that I heard my neighbor below me sigh.

    Whateva biznatch, it was freaking FUNNY!

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    Replies
    1. Vesta, the body changes in many, many ways after having children. Weird ways which are not in text books, like, losing the ability to run, and then having to regain it with practice.

      Your evil neighbour! Wonderful.

      And yeah, you can kegel and stuff, but that crotch is just different afterward. But then again, who remembers???

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  6. Replies
    1. YAY! 100 POINTS FOR DBS! The only MAN who came to the party!

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  7. I have wondered about the cup. Since I do kegels, do you think I could get away with the smaller one?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i wouldn't recommend it. the thing is super bendy and it's not uncomfortable. just looks big. you wouldn't want it sliding out during use.

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    2. It is pretty "comfortable". I don't even notice it now. I don't know if I could get away with the smaller cup. I wouldn't buy it, simply because I imagine the larger one holds more volume.

      What I love about it is that this is the cleanest I've felt during my period EVER.

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    3. yes! cleanliness is actually achievable during that blasted time of the month!

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    4. yes, right? I thought that was impossible.

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  8. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Can we please go back to talking about jabbing needles into your throat???

    Rocking. In. The. Corner.

    Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bbbabaaaaaaaa...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Sarah, I guess I'd better return that hot pink one I just bought for you.

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    2. I'm an excellent driver. I'm an excellent driver. I'm an excellent driver.

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    3. okay, okay, one of the next posts will be filled with gardenia-esque beauty.

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  9. You are fun
    ...Love your diva cup
    ...love my diva cup :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Þorgerður! I think I'm starting to LOVE it too!

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  10. your maxi pad drawing never fails to crack me up. Maybe I shouldn't be reading this at work. Scared by the Diva cup, we have them here they're called "moon cup" and are all mother earthy and that. Oh lovely PMS, why does it introduce a different symptom each month? This month it's achey knees and dodgy tummy

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    Replies
    1. I agree, Clare, that it sounds horrendous, and weird, but I've always had problems with heavy periods and spotting and accidents and leaks and annoying things, and feeling gross and with this little cup I feel clean and secure! There, didn't that sound just like a lame commercial?

      And oh yes, I sympathise with you about the PMS. All the lovely symptoms.

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  11. Thank you for reminding me of another good reason to celebrate old age.

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  12. I seen the cup around but I could never use it.
    I dont even like tampons.
    Your drawings are too funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gracias, La Dama. I don't like tampons either! Ah well, it definitely is something to get used to!!!!

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  13. Ohmyfuckinggod that was the funniest thing I've ever read. Popping that thing in your vag-gay. God and in the hallway. I am still snorting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah, but will you buy one and join us Lizbeth!?! THAT is the question!

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  14. I find this post not even one bit funny. I still sit here as I read it again today....just completely grossed out. I don't know why, I can tell you so many gross stories but this one just is gross. But I did learn something. That the cup sticks or sucks up to the cervix, and that has been one of my questions concerning the Diva Cup.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Melissa, blogger put your comment in my SPAM folder! How dare they! I would have missed it, and you might have thought I ignored it, but luckily I found it because one of Sherilin's went into spam as well.
      Curse you, blogger! Well, I warned you it would be gross and immature. Did I say 'gross?' Now I'd better scroll back up... oh good! I did, but I said "grody."

      It doesn't stick right up to the cervix, it's actually supposed to sit a little lower, otherwise the instruction pamphlet advises there could be 'leaks.' It's definitely a radical way of approaching a period, but I thought it was kinda revolutionary in its efficiency.

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    2. it would have to be smaller to stick to your cervix. it just goes around the outside. very efficient.
      why am i addressing your comments as if this is my blog?

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    3. because you're PASSIONATE about the diva cup! So passionate, Sherilin!

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    4. i am. i'm trying to bring the world of women over to the red side, one convert at a time. it'll change your life. take the plunge. i'm glad you came over, karen. and maybe now one of your readers will do the same, even if it takes them a YEAR to get around to it.

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    5. a year to get around to it!!! HILARIOUS! And yet...so true. I was shocked when I saw that you'd posted that in August!!! I honestly thought it was just a few months ago.

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  15. I know, you always give me a warning. And still I read on. Why do I torture myself like this? I was going to go for a big rare burger for lunch but suddenly, I just feel like having a salad. You now, that even sounds bad right now. I'll just drink water today.
    m.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. but Mark, you're awesome, because you're one of two men BRAVE enough to even read this post! Yaaaaay!

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  16. Oh, I get it. You WANT me to not read your blog. Extreme, but I understand.

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    Replies
    1. Oh Matt. It's just SCIENCE, and sometimes SCIENCE is a little disgusting, but it's SCIENCE, nonetheless! Think of it that way.

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  17. Ha, I love that the men are in here to prove they can handle the lady parts in all their glorious (should that be gory?) detail. Hey, if we can do it, they can read about it, right?
    I do like the idea of the moon/diva cup. Well, when I say like, that's not quite the right word... But I like a non-landfill-increasing, economical-over-time device. But maybe I'm too old to change from the way of the tampon now... And I think I'm peri-menopausal, so will I continue to have periods for long enough to justify the expense? Hmmm....
    Anyway - well done you, I'm impressed with your dexterity, maybe you should market yourself to the manufacturers of the Diva as their new spokeswoman. The Diva with a Diva, that kind of thing.
    As always, Karen, you make me HOOT! xxxxxxx

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Curtise, I'm glad you enjoyed my somewhat tasteless review of the Diva cup. I like the non-landfill-increasing part too. I like that part very much, but damn--I could have discovered this a lot sooner and done more work, right? Over all, it's a good thing I think!

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