I'm going to have to rename my period.
Instead of calling it my "LADY TSUNAMI," which is APT, I'm going to perhaps change the name to "UP CLOSE AND SUPER PERSONAL WITH MY VA-GEE-GEE." But that's too long.
Oh well, whatever.
Okay, so recently, before my red buddy arrived, I was at the health food store picking up a new bottle of THE SUPPLEMENT. You know; those magical pills that keep me from murdering someone during PMS time? And while I was in there, I happened to see THESE:
And then I heard the voice of Sherilinnie in my head, which came from one of my last posts complaining about maxi pads and whatnot (AGAIN. I was complaining AGAIN. It's what I do). She said something to the effect of JUST SHUT UP AND BUY THE DIVA CUP AND BE DONE WITH IT ALREADY. Sherilin talks about her experiences with the cup HERE and holy crap, I can't believe she talked about it almost a year ago.
Anyhoo, so I saw that cup was on sale. Thirty two bucks. And I thought F♥CK IT. I'M TAKING THE LEAP. Or the plunge, as it were.
But which to choose? Diva cup 1, or Diva Cup 2??
Cup 1 sez: "For women under 30 years old who have never delivered vaginally or by c-section."
Cup 2 sez: "For women over 30 who have had kids, and now have giant, frigging, monster-sized vaginas."
or something like that. Here, I have arted for you what would happen if I chose the dainty size 1:
That's me, walking along in my jammies, with no gitch on, obvs. See how much I lurv you guys? I drew the cup EMPTY.
And here's a picture of a little man, celebrating having made it to the top of Crotch Mountain.
There's no real reason to include this picture, but I thought it was some quality art on my part.
Moving right along, I bought the more substantial size # 2 cup, and brought it home as quickly as I could, so I could horrify The Man and Ella.
And here is the scene that ensued:
Me: Look Ella! This is what grownup ladies put in their hoohoos when they have their periods!
The Man looks at the Diva Cup with a mixture of horror and revulsion.
The Man: "How big is it?!? Is that going to be comfortable???"
Me: "I don't know. Look at the how-to diagram on the side!"
simply fold GIANT CUP in half and CRAM IT, LADIES!
Me: "If it doesn't work, it'll be your SHOT GLASS!"
Me: CHORTLE CHORTLE CHORTLE
Me: "If it doesn't work, it'll be your JUICE CUP!"
Ella: "Yeah Dad! Don't drink the--(in a loud, confidential whisper to me: "what's the 'red pee-pee' called?")
Me: "No honey. Don't make jokes to Daddy about drinking 'red pee-pee'."
Ella: "YEAH, AND DON'T DRINK THE RED PEE-PEE!"
And then Ella and I held each other and GUFFAWED.
The Man: "Won't you be squeamish?"
Me: "No. Honey, I've been handling my junk for years."
The Man: "You better watch you don't drop it."
Me: "I hope I drop it on you! YEAH!!! IT'LL BE LIKE A SCENE FROM CARRIE!!!"
The Man: "Gross."
Don't worry. The Man and girlie have recovered.
So, then finally, along came my period. And I was forced to use this thing. I was actually forced to squat in the hall, outside the only bathroom we have, because one of the kids was taking a bath to insert it that first time. Such is life.
Okay, I followed instructions, folded the flexible silicone cup into a u-fold, aimed for my tail bone, er, you know, gave er' a twist so the cup opened up, farted around with some minor adjustments and blah, blah, blah. There, I said to myself. Success!
And then my brain started shrieking:
I DON'T LIKE IT. GET IT OUT. I HATE IT. I AM AWARE OF IT. GET IT OUT NOW. IT'S TOTALLY FREAKING ME OUT. IT'S WEIRD. IT'S A TOTALLY ALIEN CONCEPT. YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE TAMPONS. I CAN FEEL IT IN THERE, LIKE A FOREIGN BODY. WHAT IF THIS THING GIVES ME CANCER. CAN THIS THING GIVE ME CANCER? OH DEAR GOD, I JUST WANT A FREAKING MAXI PAD!!!
And then I calmed down. The, the next time I...er...emptied it, I realised, that--waaait a minute--this is kind of cool! Think of how many pads I've already saved by wearing it a whole day!
Then I felt ... EMPOWERED! LIKE I HAD A BRILLIANT SECRET! LIKE I WAS A MODERN WOMAN! Ha! I'd thrown off the shackles of 29 years of maxi pads!
I was actually going to stop contributing to MAXI PAD MOUNTAIN! And just think: in ONE YEAR, I WILL RECOUP THE MONEY I HAVE SPENT ON THIS DIVA CUP--
noise of the needle on the record scrrrreeeeech....
Yeah. I have to use this thing for almost an entire year in order to save money. Oh come on. You can do the math with me. Say the average bag of pads costs six bucks. Let's say I use that whole bag of pads for one period. But I don't. I probably used about half the bag per period...
Oh, math is BORING.
You get the gist.
But I have to say, I've been using it for several days, and it's worked FABULOUSLY. Next to no leak problems, as I'm getting to know the thing. I wore it overnight and SLEPT ON MY BACK, PEOPLE.
So what's the biggest problem? It's WEIRD. It's a radically different idea (for me) from maxi pads--or any traditional feminine protection products. Plus, as I'm hunkered down, giving that cup a twirl, and getting the cup just right, and swiping a discreet finger over my crotch to make sure it's all centered and shit, I'm getting really sick of my lady bits. Seriously--I just want to wash that buddy in the morning, and have little else to do with it for the greater part of the day.
Oh! And I can finally track MILLILITERS (or ounces, my American friends. It also has those measures on it), which is--I'M SORRY, BUT IT IS-- WAY COOL.
So, over all, I have to say SUPER WIN! I'm all clean now! And I didn't have to resort to mister evil TAMPON, which I think is UNNATURAL, and PLUGS YOU UP, instead of letting you FLOW FREELY, AS YOU ARE OUGHT, and comes with a nasty risk of TOXIC SHOCK SYNDROME!
|what'd I ever do to YOU???|
and I didn't have to deal with this bunchy a$$hole:
So, all in all! WIN! THE CUP IS MADE OF WIN!