Let's go back in time...way back...to elementary school....
bbbbbbrrrrrrrrinnnng! (that's the harp music/reminiscence sequence montage indicator sound)
Once upon a time, young karen liked gym class.
No, I don't feel like talking in third person.
Once upon a time, I LIKED gym class. I was a little kid, with no hooters yet, and an emerging awareness of B.O. We didn't have a real "gym teacher." Our homeroom teacher also took us to the gymnasium, so we could run around, and toss ancient bean bags (with that weird, old hand-sweat smell) at hoola hoops. Or maybe we just got to PLAY with hoola hoops. Or maybe we got to play with the skipping ropes! Hooray for fun gym class!
Or maybe we got to play DODGE BALL, and I loved me some dodge-ball back in the day. I could dodge that ball for hours, like a small, slightly pudgy, agile CHAMPION. What I picture, when I think about early days of gym class, is a general, pleasant CHAOS, of kids being busy and having fun.
Once in a while gym would still suck, like, when they'd throw a 1/2 inch thick, flimsy foam matt on the floor and expect us all to climb the thirty foot rope to the gym ceiling. As freaking if young karen could even pull herself up a foot off the ground. Remember those tiny maniac kids though, who had a ton of energy, and could shimmy up that thing like a PRIMATE???
Then, in grade 6, it all went down the toilet. We had a MAN for gym, who was an actual GYM TEACHER, which probably means he sub-majored in PHYS-ED. Those of you who just said; "yeah? So?" can LEAVE now.
The rest of you will understand that this all points to one thing: NO SYMPATHY. So, we still played dodge-ball, but that wasn't good enough. Stupid Mr. Achiever didn't like it if we just endlessly dodged that ball. He decided we had to TRY to catch it. My days of being a dodge ball star were over.
He also introduced us to something truly heinous: GYMNASTICS. To my friend Matt: thank goodness for you. You sucked at gymnastics as much as I did.
Then, there was the horror, every spring, of TRACK AND FIELD. Wow, what a festival of shame that was! I sucked at the long jump, the hop, skip and jump, and oh, I could still weep over the HIGH JUMP.
Good for you, kid! GOOD FOR YOU!
I hit that bar, EVERY TIME. I was so bad at it, Mr. Achiever actually pulled me aside and made me practice on my own as I recall now. I think I had to practice the technique without the bar for ages one time. What a dick.
It got worse and worse. One year, Mr. Achiever was my homeroom teacher. He used to think it was a TREAT to go outside and play F*CKING BASEBALL instead of doing work. When he'd say; "we're going to go out and play baseball today!" do you know what I felt?
I sucked at baseball. Super dick teacher thought it would be more fair to the shittier kids to toss out the "3 strikes, you're out" rule, and instead play a "pitch till you hit the ball" game.
Imagine. Just imagine swinging, and swinging, and swinging while all the other kids are in the outfield groaning and dying. This is why I'll never be friends with this teacher on freaking Facebook. This, and the numerous WAY OUT OF LINE tantrums he had on many of the students.
Hey! Remember how male teachers used to FREAK OUT when you were in school?
But, something even worse popped up in the late 70's and stayed till the early 90's:
THE CANADA FITNESS TEST
I feel ill just thinking of it.
Here, I'll cut and paste some crap:
If you grew up and were in grade school or junior high in Canada between the 1970s and 1980s you might remember a thing called the Canada Fitness Test. All students had to take part in the fitness test. The six activities, to be performed in a strict and controlled manner, were imposed upon the school curriculums by the Canadian government.
The test events were gruelling, and sometimes extremely discouraging for the young participants and included exercises like the endurance run, push-ups, crunches, the standing long jump, and every Canadian kid's favorite, the flexed-arm hang. Now, while the ParticipAction movement was a good thing, some parts of this forced fitness testing were not liked by the children that had to perform them.
From: "Remember The Canada Fitness Test"
The MOTHERTRUCKING CANADA FITNESS TEST. So, you had to do these different activities in order to get a badge: bronze, silver, gold, SUPER AMAZING KID (actually called "The Award Of Excellence"), and the lame "thanks for coming out, trying, and sucking" badge. Or was it just a sticker...
|I have a few of the brown one. Maybe one of the silver...|
The ENDURANCE RUN was so brutal. It was some endless jog around the field, which we had to achieve in various times in order to get a f*cking badge. So, say the teacher had calculated out that if we wanted a gold badge in grade 8, we had to run around the field 12 times in 10 minutes, or some bullshit like that. There I'd be, at like, lap 8, panting and dying, my tongue all beefy and sore, HATING LIFE, and I STILL wouldn't be anywhere near fast enough to get a badge in that stupid event.
To this day I do NOT understand people who jog. Runner's high, my ass.
And that flexed arm hang? We had to hang on to a bar in suspended chin up position for a set amount of time.
I CALL BULLSHIT.
Man, that was terrible. And this is why they finally elminiated it. It made the kids who sucked a bit in gym, like myself, feel LAME.
There were summers of trying to ride my five thousand pound, cheapo garbage 10 speed bike around for exercise. Horrible.
Then there were the years of diet and exercise tapes: pilates, tae-bo, pilates again, The Paula Abdul Workout, Kathy Smith....
|actually, this one was SUPER FUN!|
|too hard. May try this dude again.|
|I miss you, Jennifer Kries. I think I'm going to have to rediscover you again.|
So, the Paula Abdul one was pretty damn fun. Tae bo sucked ass, and pilates has been my most preferred means of exercise for a long time.
But, the only guy who really made it fun, is THIS GUY
|EXERCISE WITH FLAIR|
Yeah, I'm not ashamed to say it. I did that "Sweatin' To the Oldies" video a million years ago. Yes, it was pretty retarded. BUT, there were very obese people, and there were old people, and there were fit people, and you broke a gentle sweat, and felt good about yourself, damn it.
And now? Now I'm stuck with HER:
|♥ DON'T PHONE IT IN|
♥ I'VE GOT 300 POUND PEOPLE WHO CAN DO JUMPING JACKS , SO CAN YOU
♥ I WANT YOU GARGLING YOUR HEART BY THE END OF THIS
♥ GET READY TO GET YOUR BUTT KICKED
♥ I'LL BET YOU'RE THINKING THIS IS GONNA BE EASY. THINK AGAIN BUDDY!!
♥ THIS IS YOUR LAST SESSION OF CARDIO, IT BETTER ROCK
♥ YOU'D BETTER GET SERIOUS IF YOU WANNA MAKE IT TO LEVEL 3