Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Thursday, May 3, 2012

That MAGIC Pill

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So...


A couple of weeks ago, I had that nasty thyroid biopsy.  AGAIN.  The ever thorough doctor stuck MUCHOS NEEDLES in my neck.  He doesn't just stick the needle in one section of the nodule, he jabs that sucker all over the place.  There were six needles, to be precise, and that doesn't count all the jabs I got to freeze the area.

Needles.  In the throat.  Deep in my throat, in a part of my body that should never be touched.

The last time I had that biopsy done, I found it to be HORRIFYING.  That is because I am a wimp.  But whatever.  That is why I put off the follow-up biopsy I was supposed to have done FOR A FREAKING YEAR, PEOPLE.  Don't judge me.  In order to get me there and get that thing cleared off the board, my family doctor prescribed me some CALM DOWN PILLS.

And I took one of those before the procedure.

And then I didn't give a flying F*CK about ANYTHING.  Wait...underline that...

ANYTHING.

There I was, floating down the sidewalk to my appointment.  Normally that would have been the total walk of self pity, with some running thrown in so as not to be late.  This time I was all "isn't it NICE out today!  What a gorgeous spring day.  I should probably hurry up--it's getting close to appointment time.  I can't seem to make my legs care though.  Meh!  WHO CARES?!?"

When it came time to lie on the table, with the nurse rolling the ultrasound thingy over my neck, and Doctor Stabbo waiting to pierce just the right spot, I was calm as a gentle stream.  In fact, I even made a little mental game out of the whole thing: while the doc has the needle in my throat, I'm not supposed to swallow or cough.  I was warned a few times about this.  So, I'd try to swallow in between needles.

But then I turned it into a GAME and thought; "you know, I feel pretty good. I wonder if I can wait till the NEXT time to swallow?  Yeah!  I think I can do it.  I'm going to GO FOR IT!"

The doc even made a comment about how nice and calm I was, and how much easier it made the procedure when the patient was so calm.  DAMN STRAIGHT, HOMEBOY.

Then I was done, and I floated back home.  And felt grrrrr-eat all day.  And I wished that life could feel like that ALL THE FREAKING TIME.  Imagine!  A whole new attitude of MEH (roll in dreamy harp, dream sequence music):

karen, you have to get a ROOT CANAL:  MEH
karen, it's going to cost $2000 to fix your car:  MEH
karen, Jack's been freaking out at school over BEES:  MEH


The only scenario that's true out of the three is the last one.

The problem is, the doctor only gave me TWO MAGIC PILLS.  Two!  That's it!  So, the tiny little prescription bottle is sitting up in the cupboard (it has a safety lid on it people, I'm not an animal) with that last magic pill inside..  It's there, and it speaks to me:


Hello karen.
How's it going, old kid, old sock?
Having ONE OF THOSE DAYS again?
Yeah.
Don't fret, gentle porkchop, because I'm here
for ya.  I'm RIGHT HERE, buddy.  Oh!
But wait!
Use me WISELY...I'm the ONLY ONE LEFT

and if you need me for something REALLY BIG, and you've
already taken me,
well,
you're screwed.


Like,

Take this morning for example:

Jack has been off school for a couple of days this week because his cold has turned into a sinus infection  He's had a fever, and been feeling generally crappy.  But, he doesn't often say "Mom, I feel like hell." No, instead he flings verbal abuse with a SHOVEL.  And he pesters, and he bugs, and he drives me insane.  And he never stops asking me a million questions about things.  And I WANTED TO DROP KICK HIM YESTERDAY. AND WHEN I GET ANGRY HE SAYS; "MOM! ARE YA GETTING ANGRY?!?  STOP BEING ANGRY!  CALM DOWN, MOM, CAAAAAALM DOWN."

YEAH, HE SAYS THAT TO ME LIKE I'M A CHILD AND I WANT TO POUND SOMETHING BUT I MUST KEEP CONTROL AT ALL FREAKING TIMES AND--

oh wait...where was I?

Oh yeah, this morning.  So, this morning, the kid had to go back to school. He FREAKED over taking the antibiotic.  Daddy made the HORRENDOUS UNFORGIVABLE mistake of trying to give it to him on a tea spoon, instead of using that syringe thingy.  THE HORROR.

-it turned out to be a sunny hot day, instead of a rainy day.  Jack is so freaked out and terrified of bees that he was counting on it raining and now he's in a total panic that he might have to go outside for gym.

- Jack couldn't find his winter hat which he wears for the last ten minutes before school while he listens to music and bounces on the couch.  Bouncing against the back of the couch puts monstrous knots in his hair.  So after he brushes his teeth and hair, he puts his hat on and goes to listen to music but oh the hat has disappeared and where is the hat?  And there's this melee downstairs as The Man tries to offer a substitute, and it's all screaming and panicking and crying and I fly down the stairs in my sport bra and undergitch and wet hair all looking like a fright wig and march over to the container with all the winter hats and mitts and find the ONE other hat that he actually likes...

- and in the meantime we've been working for ten minutes to help Jack NOT feel complete panic over bees and

THEN I had to dab some mint extract on his coat and stuff to make him think he had some sort of repellent on that will keep him safe and it's time to leave for school and we get halfway there and Jack realises he's FORGOTTEN TYLER JOSEPH HONEYBEE AT HOME, AND HIS TEACHER GAVE HIM THAT TO KEEP IN HIS POCKET AND SQUEEZE WHENEVER HE FEELS LIKE HE WANTS TO LOSE HIS FREAKING MIND WITH BEE TERROR AND

AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING IN GETTING HIM TO FACE HIS FEAR?  SHOULD I JUST SAY F*CK IT AND LET THE KID STAY INSIDE FOR GYM AND RECESS SO HE NEVER FREAKING GOES OUTSIDE ALL SPRING AND GETS FRESH AIR EVER?!?




Hello karen.
How's it going, old kid, old sock?
Having ONE OF THOSE DAYS again?
Yeah.
Don't fret, gentle porkchop, because I'm here
for ya.  I'm RIGHT HERE, buddy.  Oh!
But wait!
Use me WISELY...I'm the ONLY ONE LEFT
and if you need me for something REALLY BIG, and you've
already taken me,
well,
you're screwed.



Stupid magic pill.

24 comments:

  1. It's called Rescue Remedy. 28% alcohol. Put a few drops of magic under your tongue...and you feel amazingly soothed. I use it. I have used it instead a Ativan........if you could get Jack to take some of this Superman KILLS BEES stuff he might feel OK.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey! I have that, Melissa! Why, I was just squirting it all over my tongue this morning! It didn't help at the time. I wonder if it would help Jack though. I got it from the health food store. Good suggestion.

      Delete
    2. NOT on your tongue.....under the tongue....it hits the little veins under their and hits that blood stream FAST.

      Delete
  2. Karen you make me laugh so hard, I was dying when I scrolled down and the magic pill talking again. How about finding a vitamin placebo that Jack could take as his calm down pill, sometimes the mind can do it's own magic just like the bee he squeezes. I hope all goes well with the thyroid outcome. I have finally made all of my appointments, thyroid, ears and boobs oh boy...... Time for weeding, have a great week.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good idea Alaina. I will try the placebo thing. Maybe it will help him.

      I hope all goes well with the thyroid thingy too! I find out next week.

      Delete
    2. Alaina, boobs and weeding in the same sentence....mmmm.

      Delete
  3. i had a bottle of pills similar to that and i saved them until they expired and had to be thrown away because i kept thinking, "what if i've taken them for little things and then something big happens? how stupid will i feel then?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. looks like you and I were thinking the same thing, Sherilinnie. In a way maybe this forces me to get through yucky situations on my own, always thinking something WORSE will happen, if you know what I mean.

      Delete
  4. Yipes!!! No magic pill! No. I got a bottle from the doc years ago during an extreme anxiety time. He said, "Leanne, these are addictive. Very addictive. I'm giving you 30 for the month. If you are back here before that...Did I mention these are ADDICTIVE?" Scared the shit out of me! I think I took 4 over 6 months!
    They feel good, but so what? It's just Life, Karen! You got this.
    xxoo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ADDICTIVE! Yeah, I had to get my pills with my PHOTO ID. Kind of funny, and kind of not. I'll probably never take it. It's just the comfort of knowing it's there...

      Delete
  5. I took those magic pills after William died. It was the best. But then I kept walking into walls and laughing about it. I had to flush them down the toilet. Get rid of that last one and forget about it. And I'm laughing with you. Alex has his play/program and that was our morning today. He flat out refused to go in. His teacher came and picked him up it was THAT bad. I heart you honey, I really do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Lizbeth, I think of you often because I figure that whenever I want to pull my hair out, chances are you do too. That was a terrible time for you with poor little William. I'm sorry you went through that.

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  6. I'm glad that the pill did wonders for you during your throat procedure. I would probably get rid of that last one as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. no worries Sprite, a boring straight arrow such as myself is too old to change her stripes to a wild addict.

      Delete
  7. Nah.. I say put the kids to bed, take the last damn pill and bask in its GLORY! Go for that ride!

    But remember.. NEVER BECOME AN ADDICT! Then we'd have to go on Intervention.. and I'd be writing that stupid lame letter...

    Dearest Karen...
    Your drug use has affected your life negatively in the following ways:
    We don't laugh like we used to.... You're just a shell of a person and you never wear your lipstick anymore. You've stolen money from me.
    If you don't quit then YOU CAN NEVER CALL ME AGAIN!

    Love,
    Aimee

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES! I LOVE the lame letter! It's wonderful.

      Oh, I'm totally keeping that last pill.

      Delete
  8. So that's done then, and you coped fine, and the drugs DO work, ha!
    When I had Youngest at home, I was prescribed some diamorphine in case I wanted it in labour. I didn't use it (yeah, such an earth mother, that's me, did it all natural like) so it sat on my shelf for quite a while, and I was SOOO tempted... But I was good and gave it back, with a little regret in my heart.
    Have faith, gentle porkchop, that you can do Life without the chemical cosh, cos you are Karen the Brave! xxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. is that a reference to The Verve, Curtise? You had a home birth! You GO, woman! I had a drug-free birth with Ella too......but not by choice.

      Delete
  9. The last thing I want to hear, when I'm in a shall we say less-than-serene state, is for someone to tell me to calm down.

    And two pills wouldn't even last me through breakfast.. just sayin'!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Holy crap. It's November, and I just realised I missed a ton of comments. Yeah, when The Man tells me to "CALM DOWN" it always, funnily enough, has the total opposite effect.

      Delete
  10. what are these pills and where WHERE can i get some...now!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. just tell your doctor you're going on a trip, and you're TERRIFIED OF FLYING, Paula!

      Delete
  11. Karen,
    Have it bronzed and made into a necklace, and my guess is just holding with one hand will get the same effects.....a kind of contact high.
    PERMANENTLY!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brilliant! Turning the magic pill into a wearable TALISMAN!

      Delete

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