Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Sunday, May 13, 2012

Wow, Exercise REALLY Blows



So, I did the 30 Day Shred, as some of you may recall, and I even posted my boring, whiny videos on youtube, as I chronicled my journey of pain and suffering.

Then I got super bored with that video, and I bought "Jillian Michaels Killer Buns & Thighs."  I didn't buy it so much because I wanted THE BEST ASS I COULD GET.  No.

I have to be honest:  I've never cared about my ass.  I can't see it, so it doesn't bother me.  In fact, I thought it provided good balance all around:  ba-bango hooters, stick-em-out stomach thanks to a small abdominal hernia, and SUPER BOO-TAY.  See?  I was like one of those Earth Mother statues:  everything in harmony and balance.

you guys better pick up your dirty socks, or I'm going to get ANGREE

The reason I bought THAT video though, was because I think that Jillian Michaels is mean enough to get REAL RESULTS with her horrid workouts, but mostly it was the next shortest workout dvd.  All of her other ones were for 45 minutes to 1 hour long workouts.

THUMBS DOWN.

So, I've been doing this super ridonculous Buns & Thighs workout, right?  And it started to get SLIGHTLY EASIER, so I JUST moved on to level 2.  I won't bore you with the details, but I felt compelled to say this:

I can't believe how much exercise SUCKS.

Exercise sucks SO HARD. It is the most repulsive, horrible thing ever.  As I'm gasping, and panting, and struggling, and sweat is rolling off EVERY PART OF MY BODY NOW...yes, that's right, EVERY PART...

in fact, let's stop here and talk about SWEAT.

Before I started working out, I would sweat,  Sure, I'd sweat.  I'd get a little sweat on my lower back, and if it were REALLY, REALLY, REALLY stifling out, I might get a few beads on my upper lip.

And that would be about it.

But now?  These videos have turned my body into an efficient, and horrid SWEAT MACHINE.  My EYELIDS get sweaty now.  THE TOPS OF MY FREAKING HANDS get sweaty.  Sweat even rolls down from somewhere way on the back my head, and over my cheek, when I'm in some ridiculous push-up position, muscles shaking, body ready to collapse.

It's unbelievable.  This means one major thing:  I have bad hair ALL THE TIME now.  All the time.  Right now? I have the hairdo of a five year old.  Ringlets and cowlicks, people.

So, you would think, that since I've been doing hard core exercise nearly EVERY FREAKING DAY OF THE WEEK, I might start to like it.

WRONG.

It is terrible. It was terrible when I started, and I hate it hardcore now.  The ONLY good thing about it is that it calms down my idiot hypochondriac brain, makes me feel pretty good AFTERWARD, and my pants were falling down  the other day as I walked back from dropping my daughter off at school.

Stupid hard work.  I wish, passionately, that I could just sit back and read a book all day, every day, but alas, I was tired of being tired.

Anyhow, that's all. I just wanted to invite ANYONE to join me, and fork out the 10-12 bucks, buy that Killer Buns & Thighs video, and join me, because I...I...I feel so alone, people.

It's lonely here in Terrible Exercise Town.

So lonely.

34 comments:

  1. O,kerist,I have tears in my eyes from laughing!!!
    Yup,exercise really does suck! I stick to walking and cycling.I get to look at scenery and not think about why I am walking,and cycling is a method of travel,so I also don't have to think about it!
    On the whole,though,I figure if G still wnats to do the wild thing with me,I can't be looking TOO bad!!!
    XXX

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    Replies
    1. Helga, you are walking talking sexiness. Of course G still wants to do the wild thing! My aspirations are to be HALF as sexy as you are. And yet, here I sit in jeans and a t-shirt. Ah well.

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  2. I think I am just going to stick to my no wheat and lose weight that way. I am actually starting to not miss bread, which is odd.
    But, you keep on. You are doing great!

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    Replies
    1. You know Ruth, you're awesome for doing that, because WHEAT IS IN EVERYTHING, DAMN IT! You had to make some major changes no doubt! Good for you!

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  3. exercise does suck big meaty balls. and i want to know if you also moan or yell while working out. because sometimes when i'm going the crap that i hate the most and i think i'll die, i feel the need to make loud & offensive noises.

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    1. Sherilinnie, I TOTALLY DO. Sometimes I grunt like a tennis player, and sometimes I yell, and sometimes (if nobody's here) I SCREECH THE EFF WORD: "F**************CK!!!!"

      It's really hard to exercise the week before my period, when I just want to become ONE with melted cheese.

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    2. i sometimes make too much noise and my mother in law will call up the stairs and ask what's wrong with me. i should scream the fffff----- word right then in reply.

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    3. excellent plan! I'm sure she'd love it.

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  4. *Sigh* Okay. I'll do it. I have bloggers ass right now. And bloggers belly and bloggers thighs.
    *Sigh* I'll start tomorrow. Damn you lonely woman!!!!!!

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    Replies
    1. OH THANK GOD! SOMEONE WILL SUFFER WITH ME! I'm going to shed a tear over this, Leanne!

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  5. Oh my darling exercise-hating, sweaty-eyelidded, 5 year old-haired, lonely friend! I feel your pain. But I'm not bloody joining in, so there. You're not selling it, Karen!
    Back in the days when I exercised regularly, I NEVER got to like it. I liked knowing I did it, feeling smug, and feeling healthy, but the actual exercise itself? Nah, hated it, it felt crap. That's encouraging, isn't it? Hmmm, think I missed my calling as a motivational life coach...
    It'll ALL be worth it when you have rockin' buns (what are they? Some kind of cake?) and your booty is as sculpted as a booty can possibly be. I'll be waiting for you to bring out your own exercise DVD then. xxxxxxx

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    Replies
    1. Wise woman for not joining in, Curtise. Besides, you already look fabulous. You're right: exercise has always felt like crap for me too--especially that CARDIO BULLSHIT.

      I can only admire my bum with a two-mirror set up anyway, so who gives a crap??? My legs look pretty good though. Have to admit that at least.

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  6. I felt super good on Saturday doing a long hike through the countryside, although I had a pint and some sweets and then I had to walk up hill and felt like I was going to die. No wheezing, it's just like my pelvis and knees had stopped half a mile back and I was continuing uphill through treacle.
    Anyway, exercise is great afterwards, but during it, it is HELL. I just can't do running, it makes me sad. But I may buy this DVD and give it a go. xxxx

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    Replies
    1. It is INDEED HELL Miss Simmonds. You've summed it up perfectly. If you do buy it, for god's sake, DO NOT feel bad about yourself if you find it repulsively hard. It took me DAYS UPON DAYS to get to a point that I could actually do it.

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  7. I went for a bike ride yesterday and I wanted off that damn thing so bad. At one point I yelled at my own legs, "I get it, your pissed at me....leave me the eff alone and get me up this da*n hill all ready!"

    Not one of my finer moments....

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    1. Ah Lizbeth, I'm so glad you feel the same way I do. I can't think of ANYTHING worse than exercise. Just imagine the people who do this stuff for a freaking LIVING!!!

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    2. i have to wonder about people who choose to be personal trainers and fitness experts. they must be made of a different recipe of human parts than i am.

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    3. I've often wondered that myself. It must be those people who always had an excess of energy as kids, and took up JOGGING in GRADE 5.

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  8. Dude, I so need to start an exercise routine. It's just...I hate to sweat. I mean, I'm allergic to my own sweat. It makes me break out and stuff.

    Imma just going to wear a mumuu at the pool this summer while I read my book, K?

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    Replies
    1. Flannery, that's so funny you should say that, because I HATE sweating too! Sometimes, if I'm in a really pissy whiny mood, and I'm at the beginning of the workout, I almost feel like crying as I realise I'm still all nice and dry, but it's going to be RUINED. Then I wonder how I can get around the whole sweat business.

      I like your plan much, much, much better.

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  9. OMG you are so right about the exercise hair! I spend half the day thinking there's no point in putting on real clothes or makeup or fixing my hair because I'm going to workout and the other half recovering from the workout! When does the pretty start?

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    1. EXACTLY, SANDRA! What they don't warn you about is the UGLY SWEAT! Sweat the makeup off, sweat the hairdo off...bah.

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  10. Hey, just noted Flannery's comment about being allergic to own sweat. I think that's my man! Poor guy.. every summer the guy goes to a hot, sweaty job and sweats so much he breaks out into a 2 month long rash.

    ANYHOOOOOOO. Exercising is terrible. It's even mildly degrading. When I was doing the 30 Day Shred I was feeling good about it.. but the exercise itself was painful. PAINFUL I SAY! I would have to lie down after I finished.. and my face would be super red and pulsing. My whole face. I even had buzzing teeth! What's that all about?

    Then I wrecked my shoulder so I've taken a break from the Shred. hehehe

    Love,
    sister.

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    Replies
    1. yeah, I've had the buzzing teeth. Have you ever had a meaty, sore tongue? I get that from too much prolonged running. Such hell.

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  11. Do you know I started doing a work out tape because of you? I work out daily - some sort of cardio and light weights, and I hate it. It's so BORING! After reading about the dvd's you were doing I decided to give it a go (not Jillian Michaels, it's one of those Crunch boot camp ones). Holy crap, is all I can say. Muscles were sore that I didn't know existed. It. Was. Painful. And I blame you, but in a good way!!

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    1. Hooray Vesta! Yes, it is BORING and tedious and super suck awful! Are you still doing it?

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  12. I did it this morning! Much more...well, not fun, but better than, a stationary bike. And a better all around workout!

    I get pretty annoyed with all the super ripped people on the tape though, with their smiles and their woo-hooing over push-ups. Come on, no one actually like push-ups. You can pretend all you want, but they SUCK.

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    Replies
    1. Vesta you cracked me up. You're right: ONLY AN IDIOT woo-hoos over pushups. An exercise junkie of an idiot. Oh well, good for you for doing it! It's LONELY doing those videos!

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  13. Hi Karen, Sorry I have been MIA for many weeks. Work (sigh). Anyhoo, I find it ironic that this morning I posted on FB about the engery/stress-busting/endorphin-generating boost from workouts, and here you are with your latest posting on the flipside unpleasantness of the process. What I wonder is if the benefits last days, but the effort is minutes, isn't it worth the trade? Just a thought. Hopefully, like my workouts, I will be back here reading again soon.

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    1. Hi Matt! Good to see you! I completely enjoy the way I feel AFTER the workout. I agree: I feel quite good, and good about myself as well. But, doing the exercise at the time is pure torture. Hope your work calms down for you!

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  14. Been thinking about exercise for a long time...... After you sweat description I might think some more.

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  15. What amazing buns and thighs you have! No worries -- many of us are in the "exercise kills the soul" club :-)

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    1. oh my god. What am I doing? I've always felt the same damn way! And yet, here I sit, with busted-ass knees thanks to stupid amounts of SQUATS. Irony!

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