Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Friday, June 8, 2012

My New Bra Is FREAKING ME OUT

Remember my NEW GIANT RED BRA, which I bought recently and talked about HERE?

Well, a couple of you fine ladies wanted a photie.  So, here is my bra.


look at those SHREDDED arms, yo.  BOO YAH
SHREDDED ARMS!  HOLLA!
and look at those clowny-clown capris...



and here's a pic that The Man took without me realising.
That's what he does.
My god, this confirms what I figured: those capris are
as hideous, and too big, and dumpy as I thought they were.
Shit.  What am I supposed to wear when I get the kids today after school ?!?




Yeah, it's HARDCORE isn't it?  Oh, the tank top underneath.  Well, this is because The Man is particular about a few things, ie; me talking about him in my blog, or ever posting a pic of him, me uploading a video of him snoring to youtube, and me sharing my hooters with the world, since he feels a little proprietary about them.  He did, however, agree to take a pic of my new bra when I said I'd put a tank top underneath.

I've been having a really difficult time with this bra.  I'm a little traumatized by it, to tell you the truth.  Why?  BECAUSE THE LADY TOLD ME I'M AN F CUP.

EFF CUP.

EFF.

F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F

F  for  FREAKING ME OUT.

It's too weird.  All of my life, I thought my boobies were a certain size.  And then after I had the kids, they were another size.  A bigger size.  A size of LOGICAL PROGRESSION up the alphabet.  Before the kids:  B cup.  After the kids, C cup.  Yup, that's me.

Then after losing some blubbage, during all this hideous exercise I've been doing, I knew my hoots were a little bit smaller, so I followed one of those online breastie calculation thingies, and after measuring my frame right UNDER the hoots, and then measuring the hoots, adding five, allowing for sweat/bloat and wind velocity...

no, I kid, but it is a slightly stupid way to find out what size bra I should be in.

And after doing all the necessary calculations, the COMPUTER told me that I should be a COMPLETELY AWKWARD  44 B!

44 B!  HOORAY!  NO WAIT...not hooray.  I've never ever seen 44 B in a store.  In fact, what kind of retard size is that?  What--does that mean I just have big, wide, fat, slightly flatter boobs?  What the hell is 44 B?!?

But no, the lady told me I'm an F.  And here's how she did it:

She measured my torso directly under my breasts:  37.5 inches

Then she measured the GIRLS:  44.5 inches

That's a 7 inch difference.  Then, she held up seven fingers, and did some very scientific counting through the alphabet, starting with the second finger:  A, B, C, D, E, F...

So, if my band measured 37.5 inches,  that means I should look for a 38 BAND.  And counting up the alphabet as she did, I should be an F cup.

Well!

I was all excited at first.  WOO HOO, I thought, STILL GOT IT, 40 YEAR OLD SUPER SEXAY KAREN.  GO ON AND TAKE YOUR BIG TA-TA'S HOME AND TELL THE MAN.

But after a while, it freaked me out.  I felt weird.  I felt like I didn't know who the hell I was at all.  I felt embarrassed!  If anyone ever asked, would I really burble out;

"oh, I'm an EFF CUP!  TEE HEE HEE!"

because I'm sure the person I'm talking to would take one look at my jugs and think I was HIGH.  Also, wtf--am I a STRIPPER now?  Because seriously?  That's STRIPPER SIZE.  And if your tits are really that size, you don't even have the right to lovingly call them HOOTERS anymore.

No.

You must call them HONKERS.  SNIFF!!!

I felt like 11 year old karen, with her first itchy bra.  I was so excited to get my first bra, and then I wasn't.  It was a GIFT and then a CURSE, because it was ITCHY and it CHAFED ME, and I didn't want to be a mature young lady with budding bosoms, NO, I wanted to be KAREN THE LITTLE GIRL again, running through the backyard barefoot, making mud pies, and rose petal perfume in a plastic bucket.  But Mom said I had to wear it!  She said I had to "GET USED TO IT!"  BOO!  BOOOOOO!

And here's another problem:  okay, so I'm an F cup now (actually, I'm leaning more towards E, if I really want to be technical), isn't this new measurement essentially MOOT as far as bra buying goes?  I mean, yeah, I'm an F CUP in THEIR STORE, but every other frigging store in the known universe goes by the cup measurements we have all become accustomed to...so, if I'm an F CUP in the FANTASY WORLD, what size am I in the PRACTICAL WORLD???

You know:  the world in which I say, OH SHIT, MY UNDERWIRE JUST SNAPPED, I NEED A NEW BRA RIGHT NOW, BUT THAT STUPID STORE THAT SELLS THE EFF BRAS CLOSES AT 6 PM EVERY NIGHT, SO I HAVE TO GO TO THE WAL OF EVIL OR MAYBE EVEN FRICKIN ZELLERS OR THAT RETARDED SEARS AND TRY TO FIND A BRA, AND THEIR SIZES DO NOT GO UP TO F UNLESS I WANT TO WEAR THIS


AHHHHHHH!  IT'S GRAMMAW BOOBS!


And that's another thing--how can I be a size F??  Isn't that somebody's grandmother behind a table at a church bazaar with freshly permed hair, and  those enormous, pointy TORPEDO BOOBS, held rigidly in place with her SUPER SUPPORT BRASSIERE HARDWARE?

AND ANOTHER THING, what about all the homegirls out there who have LEGITIMATELY FANTASTICO BAZOOMBS?!?  I feel like if I say I'm an F CUP, I'm actually a TOTAL POSER.

WHO AM I?  WHO THE F♥CK AM I?!?!?!?

So, that red bra was sitting abandoned on my bed yesterday and honestly?  It looked like a f*cking HAT. Yes, someone could keep his/her head warm with that thing.

And then I looked lovingly at my baffed out, "sand" beige, medium support 38C bra, and I hugged it, and decided that I'll try to get my $60 worth out of that new wall of red material I was seduced into buying...

but I'll just save it for special occasions.

And I'll still insist I'm a 38 C.  Like I was LAST MONTH.

29 comments:

  1. That looks a lot like the red bra I'm wearing right now, except mine was a lot more than $60. And mine is UNDER my shirt ;) It costs a lot to have industrial strength underwire.

    Wear whichever one feels better. Personally I'm flaunting my red or blue or patterned self around. I was stuck with sand beige for too long.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I went through a phase of anything-but-practical bras back when I was in university, and I got so tired of my hoots tumbling out of them whenever I'd bend over, or them looking lumpy under the shirt I was wearing. I loved those beige bras once I discovered one that was supremely comfortable. But you're right Lisa: it is nice to have something FANCY again!!!

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  2. Ah-mah-zing. Me thinks the new size may have been slightly less traumatizing had you purchased it in a bland nude/sand/beige. Or even a black. But red? That is serious business. That says...here is my boobage and its about to rock yo world.

    BTW...When I was in jr high and had no boobs (now I have lots of boobs) I had one of those bandeau numbers with a little gather in the front. I wore it for a whole day at school and realized when I got home it was around my waist. W.T.F. Later in college, after I had acquired a rack one could be jealous of, I went to work with no bra on. By accident. And I worked at Limited Two where the child population came to by terrible matchy outfits. Undoubtedly I can blame that one on being hungover. My point in, the bra incidents seem to be never ending in my life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those are both hilarious stories Thea. The bra was around your waist!!! LOVE IT!

      You are so right: bra incidents ARE never ending.

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    2. Timeless. Have you ever tried SOMA? They make the bomb bras. And the person selling it to you is not 15 and weighing in at 102 like at Victoria's Secret.

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    3. No! Now I have to google them, as I've never heard of them, and have a sneaking suspicion that they're not in Canada...like all the other good stores.

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  3. according to that calculation system, i should be a 34F. i've never in my life been a 34 even in my skinniest days. never smaller than a 36C, but maybe i've always been doing it wrong. and what i'm wearing right now is actually a 40DD. hmm...
    i like how you put the bra over the top of your shirt. it's very lady gaga.
    now go buy some smaller pants!

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    Replies
    1. Sherilinnie, I was just at a store yesterday and saw my very favourite bra there. I'd been wearing the wrong size in it recently, but I tried 38 D (since they never have 37), and it fit quite nicely. Maybe, in the mainstream stores, you should look at 34 D and see how that works? Just a suggestion. What I love best is this Warner's boxed bra. It is so comfortable. I'm nearly squeal with joy whenever I find it in a department store, and have to resist stocking up on them.

      Here is a picture of it: http://www.google.ca/imgres?hl=en&biw=1360&bih=673&tbm=isch&tbnid=eF3pp6x4WKhkKM:&imgrefurl=http://surrey.flyerland.ca/products/walmart-warner-s-style-1627-sand--product-5870653&docid=qvlkWlg_hh0RgM&itg=1&imgurl=http://p0.flyerland.ca/images/products/5870000/5870653_image.jpg&w=380&h=380&ei=bHTTT8KmGOfj0QHqk4GiAw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=188&vpy=145&dur=3154&hovh=225&hovw=225&tx=140&ty=109&sig=103007249343904269344&page=1&tbnh=156&tbnw=156&start=0&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:69

      Damn. That's a stupidly long url.

      Anyhow, it's Warner's Style 1627 in "sand" (comes in white as well). Do you have Warner's bras in the U.S.?

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    2. p.s. you are so freaking right about my fugly pants.

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    3. that bra does look comfortable. i have no idea if we have warners here, and i've never tried boxed bras. i can't fit any of them that have formed cups, and lately, it seems like almost everything is pre-shaped and padded which does not work for me. i guess it's time to try the boxed brassieres.

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    4. no--this one does not have those stupid pre-formed Victoria's secret girl cups, nor does it have any padding! It's as comfortable as a bra gets--I've found. However, I saw on the back of the box it starts at a 36 band, but maybe that would be okay for you if you hooked it on the smallest size?

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  4. I agree with Sherilin! Those pants look STUPID from behind!!! Actually, you did get new pants... and they are WAY better.. especially by comparison! hehehehe Clowny-clown. hehehe

    P.S. Bras suck... I'm practically flat as a board so I can often get away with nothing at all. But I admit... Would love to have some big ones.. especially with the super deep LINE in the middle... YO!

    aimee

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes!!! You never realised, nerdo, because you never have long opportunities to stare at my ASS.

      Bras do suck. I'm curious to know what size you'd be on their scale according to that measuring method the lady used.

      Delete
  5. You kill me. I think I am in need of a bra sizing because I am guessing I may be joining the FFFFF club too. I think they have a bra store in the Outlet mall. The one thing that really amazed me was what you said about the red thing. And here I have been buying the beige ones all this time.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, Alaina, I mentioned this to someone else in my last bra post's comment section: the red doesn't completely hide under a white shirt, but it doesn't show up as much as a white bra. My bra isn't a poppy red colour, but more of a darker red, but then again--all the ladies in that store had on red bras (they lifted up their shirts to show me) and I'd never have known.

      Delete
  6. First off, burn those gawdamn short/capri,shit-your-pants looking things RIGHT NOW! Send me the ashes. Okay, and wear that bad boy! It looks lovely and like it would keep the honkers under control! I went up to a 36D in the past year. The fuck? No one tells you your boobs will grow FOREVER! The way I see it, they'll be able to keep my lap warm when I'm an old lady because that's where they be resting!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "burn those gawdamn short/capri,shit-your-pants looking things RIGHT NOW"

      Leanne. This is why I love you so much. That is HILARIOUS. Thank you. Yeah, are boobs like ears and noses? Maybe we NEVER KNEW!

      Listen: we all have saggier hoots, but if you get a good fitting bra, it makes all the difference. That red thing pictured above? It lifts my hoots up to where they were when I was 17! SERIOUSLY, IT'S WEIRD.

      Delete
  7. Karen, just get OVER the bra thing now, will you?! It looks to me like a great bra. And so you have Porn Star-size F-cup tits? Fantastic! Flaunt those fabulously full floozies! Seriously, if the bra fits well, it'll make you look great. I KNOW you could carry your shopping in it, or house a family of chipmunks or provide rain cover for several small children. So what? Those bosoms deserve the BEST!
    I reckon you always have to try bras on, it's like any item of clothing, sizes and styles vary from brand to brand. But why not have fun picking out a whole wardrobe of marvellous frillies which fit properly, not just the one lonely bra?
    As a fellow F-er (ha!) - wear that bra with pride! xxxxxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A fellow F-er! Hooray! Alright then. You've given me the kick in the ass that I need. The only reason I haven't added more to my drawer is because they're expensive! Plus, my at home mom income is well...nil. Sniff! And I LOVE buying things. So tragic. I don't know if I would buy a second hand bra though. Would you? I mean, those things get SWEATY.

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  8. Join the E club Karen... EEEEEEEEEEEE!!! e's are nice sized jooblies:) My Hubby will tEstify to that!

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    Replies
    1. yeah, you're right, Sprite: I don't think there are many hubbies who mind!!

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  9. This was pretty confusing for me but nevertheless I, uh, support your struggle. ;)

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  10. OMG, first time visiting here and I've never laughed so much while reading! I know...sorry..ahum...it's probably not so funny to you, but thanks so much for making me laugh about your fabulous red bra - I needed it today.

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    1. Well thank you for stopping by, Raquel! I'm glad I could give you a laugh. That usually is my intention, so, success!

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  11. Just enjoy the damn red bra amor!
    I'm with what Curtiseita said.

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    1. alright, you ladies have inspired me, La Dama.

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  12. I'm only bothered by my size when stupid shops decide not to stock anything above a D. Love your giant chi-chis! Don't panic, just get bras online instead perhaps?

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    Replies
    1. online ordering would be fun, Miss Simmonds. The only problem are the large shipping fees that get tacked on. Other than that, it's the greatest convenience!

      Delete

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