|I'm f*cking delicious|
This orange pop--this stupid ORANGE POP! What the hell is it made out of? CRACK?!?!
Oh my god. I haven't had ORANGE POP in years. I can't even remember the last time I had orange pop. Hell--we hardly even drink pop around here anymore. In the good old days, we always had a case of coke down the basement, but then I stopped drinking it with McDonks a long time ago. I stopped having it with popcorn, burgers, hotdogs, chips and all the other salty best friends that went with it. The Man stopped drinking it too.
It's not like we were CRAZEE or anything--maybe on a stupid, hot day, we'd crack open a can of coke. Then the only time I drank it was when it was lovingly paired with WHISKY.
|still one of the coolest ice cube trays EVER|
but then, as I entered the AUTUMN OF MY LIFE (A.K.A the big 4-OH), that magical combination of booze and cola did weird, stupid things to my body, and made my heart do a fancy little caffeine jig at the scariest hour of them all (4 AM). So, now I have to have bullshit cocktails like vodka and lemonade. Oh sure, they're good and all, but they are no whisky and coke.
So why do we have this delicious, stupid, irresistible orange pop? Well, let me tell you.
My son, the relentless dictator that he is, has suddenly become obsessed with FANTA.
Some little wiener in his class brings a can of f*cking Fanta in his lunch bag every day.
And I ask you: what dirt bag, hose head of a parent lets their grade 2 kid bring a can of POP to school every day? Waaait a minute....don't get started with; 'but karen, the only thing little Billy will drink is POP, and don't you think that it's better if he have that can of pop than NOTHING?"
No. No, I do not. So go back to your kitchen and continue making that CREAMED CORN WHITE WONDERBREAD CASSEROLE you were planning on serving up to your kids--you know, the little people in your house whose TEETH ARE FALLING OUT?!?
Yeah. Don't tell me that your kids don't eat, so they can have pop. My son brings cinnamon toast and two different kinds of cookies to school every motherfrickin day, and he washes that down with CHOCOLATE MILK. Yeah, THAT'S what a desperate parent serves. YA DIG?!?
Sorry. I have very, very, very strong feelings about children drinking pop. I don't think there's a toddler around who needs to be drinking that shit out of a sippy cup, even if you call it a 'TREAT' so SAVE IT.
Oh right, so anyway, this kid has pop every day. Jack is fascinated. And, because Jack's a spectrum kid, he's FIXATED.
Can we get some FANTA? When can we get some FANTA? Mom, after school tomorrow, can we go to the store to find some FANTA? Where do they sell FANTA? Did you get the FANTA Mom? WHEN can we get some FANTA? I want to bring FANTA in my lunch too! WHY can't I bring FANTA in my lunch?
So I know that the Wal of Evil sells Fanta. I refused to buy a case of the stuff, so I brought him home a bottle of cream soda. Luckily, because I'm MILITANT, my kids hate pop. Of course the biggest problem was that I brought home CREAM SODA (also delicious), and not ORANGE flavour.
DO THEY SELL ORANGE FANTA? WHERE CAN WE GET ORANGE FANTA? I WANT TO TRY ORANGE FANTA? WHEN YOU GO FOR GROCERIES NEXT TIME, GET ORANGE FANTA. I WANT TO TRY ORANGE FANTA.
The Man? He doesn't know. He brought home generic grocery store brand "ORANGE SODA." Yeah, he doesn't know. He does this all the time. Even though I have told him; IF THEY DON'T HAVE IT, BRING NOTHING HOME.
We cracked that baby open, and I tipped it back and took a sip and
IT'S DELICIOUS AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT
This doesn't happen to me! And it's not like there's any distraction in the TV room. I mean, seriously, The Man? Do ALL the shows you like have to suck? Is there really NOTHING else on beside that FISH GUY?
|Yeah. "River Monsters." I know. I'd never, ever, ever|
choose that to watch either.
I have to ask it again. I know it's MONDAY, but honestly, there has to be something on to watch other than that English guy who searches for the biggest, ugliest, most repellent fish in the bog.
Because I hate fish. Oh yes. I do. Fish are horrifying. If I was floating around in a lake and THIS
or THIS floated past
I would LOSE it.
And if I was ever in the middle of this?
I'd shit my bathing suit, right then and there.
So, I was trying to distract myself from the ORANGE POP with TRISCUITS, but they're deliciously SALTY and they kept FORCING ME to go back and have ANOTHER SWIG OF ORANGE POP.
And THAT my friends is not how I BRING MY A-GAME. No. That is how I bring my D-GAME. Do you think Jillian Michaels would have ANYTHING nice to say about me DRINKING ORANGE POP?
I mean, why not just flush ALL MY EFFORT down the toilet. Recently I bought this:
|NO ORANGE POP DILL HOLE|
and I did it for the first time yesterday, and LET ME TELL YOU, I have sore muscles right under the hoots. You know: that nether-land at the top of your abs, where it's the strip of meat that covers the top of your ribs, right under the breast bone? Well, THAT'S what hurts today! So I have to keep pausing and leaning back in my chair and rubbing my own sore MEAT, and I have a question:
***Um, Jillian? Yes, hello, it's me, karen Somethingorother. I have four of your dvd's now, and I think I'm going to enjoy this Six Week Six Pack thing, and by ENJOY, I mean "TOLERATE", but I don't understand what the point of working that strip of KAREN that's right under my tittehs is? I mean, that's not part of the six pack. What--am I going to get that part in wicked good shape, and that's just the spot where my hooters GET STUCK every night when I rip that heinous bra off and throw it to the floor unless I take my t-shirt and TUCK it under my jugs?
YEAH JILLIAN MICHAELS, WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO ME TO HAVE MUSCLE PAIN THERE?!? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD ANY FREAKING MUSCLE THERE. I WOULD BE HAPPY IF I COULD JUST GO BACK TO MY USUAL PAIN, WHICH IS THE SAME OLD KNEES-A-POPPIN, KNEES WANT TO FALL OFF DISCOMFORT I'VE HAD NEARLY EVERY DAY SINCE MARCH, OKAY? THANKS.***
My god. That orange pop. It's so magical. It's fizzy and sweet and it tastes like CHILD HOOD. Yes, they bottled and captured the essence of CHILDHOOD, and made it the bright orange colour of happiness! SNIFF!
Please, someone...I need help.