Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Monday, June 18, 2012

This Orange Pop Will Be My Undoing

I'm f*cking delicious


This orange pop--this stupid ORANGE POP!  What the hell is it made out of?  CRACK?!?!

Oh my god.  I haven't had ORANGE POP in years.  I can't even remember the last time I had orange pop.  Hell--we hardly even drink pop around here anymore.  In the good old days, we always had a case of coke down the basement, but then I stopped drinking it with McDonks a long time ago.  I stopped having it with popcorn, burgers, hotdogs, chips and all the other salty best friends that went with it.  The Man stopped drinking it too.

It's not like we were CRAZEE or anything--maybe on a stupid, hot day, we'd crack open a can of coke.  Then the only time I drank it was when it was lovingly paired with WHISKY.


still one of the coolest ice cube trays EVER

but then, as I entered the AUTUMN OF MY LIFE (A.K.A the big 4-OH),  that magical combination of booze and cola did weird, stupid things to my body, and made my heart do a fancy little caffeine jig at the scariest hour of them all (4 AM). So, now I have to have bullshit cocktails like vodka and lemonade.  Oh sure, they're good and all, but they are no whisky and coke.

So why do we have this delicious, stupid, irresistible orange pop?  Well, let me tell you.

My son, the relentless dictator that he is, has suddenly become obsessed with FANTA.



Some little wiener in his class brings a can of f*cking Fanta in his lunch bag every day.

And I ask you:  what dirt bag, hose head of a parent lets their grade 2 kid bring a can of POP to school every day?  Waaait a minute....don't get started with; 'but karen, the only thing little Billy will drink is POP, and don't you think that it's better if he have that can of pop than NOTHING?"  

No.  No, I do not.  So go back to your kitchen and continue making that CREAMED CORN WHITE WONDERBREAD CASSEROLE you were planning on serving up to your kids--you know, the little people in your house whose TEETH ARE FALLING OUT?!?

Yeah.  Don't tell me that your kids don't eat, so they can have pop.  My son brings cinnamon toast and two different kinds of cookies to school every motherfrickin day, and he washes that down with CHOCOLATE MILK.  Yeah, THAT'S what a desperate parent serves.  YA  DIG?!?

Sorry.  I have very, very, very strong feelings about children drinking pop.  I don't think there's a toddler around who needs to be drinking that shit out of a sippy cup, even if you call it a 'TREAT' so SAVE IT.

Oh right, so anyway, this kid has pop every day.  Jack is fascinated.  And, because Jack's  a spectrum kid, he's FIXATED.

Can we get some FANTA?  When can we get some FANTA?  Mom, after school tomorrow, can we go to the store to find some FANTA? Where do they sell FANTA?  Did you get the FANTA Mom?  WHEN can we get some FANTA?  I want to bring FANTA in my lunch too!  WHY can't I bring FANTA in my lunch?

So I know that the Wal of Evil sells Fanta.  I refused to buy a case of the stuff, so I brought him home a bottle of cream soda.  Luckily, because I'm MILITANT, my kids hate pop.  Of course the biggest problem was that I brought home CREAM SODA (also delicious), and not ORANGE flavour.

DO THEY SELL ORANGE  FANTA?  WHERE CAN WE GET ORANGE FANTA?  I WANT TO TRY ORANGE FANTA?  WHEN YOU GO FOR GROCERIES NEXT TIME, GET ORANGE FANTA.  I WANT TO TRY ORANGE FANTA.

The Man?  He doesn't know.  He brought home generic grocery store brand "ORANGE SODA."  Yeah, he doesn't know.  He does this all the time.  Even though I have told him; IF THEY DON'T HAVE IT, BRING NOTHING HOME.

But,

We cracked that baby open, and I tipped it back and took a sip and



IT'S DELICIOUS AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

This doesn't happen to me!  And it's not like there's any distraction in the TV room.  I mean, seriously, The Man?  Do ALL the shows you like have to suck?  Is there really NOTHING else on beside that FISH GUY?


Yeah.  "River Monsters."  I know.  I'd never, ever, ever
choose that to watch either.  

I have to ask it again.  I know it's MONDAY, but honestly, there has to be something on to watch other than that English guy who searches for the biggest, ugliest, most repellent fish in the bog.

Because I hate fish.  Oh yes. I do.  Fish are horrifying.  If I was floating around in a lake and THIS



or this




or THIS floated past



I would LOSE it.

And if I was ever in the middle of this?



I'd shit my bathing suit, right then and there.

Stupid fish.

So, I was trying to distract myself from the ORANGE POP with TRISCUITS, but they're deliciously SALTY and they kept FORCING ME to go back and have ANOTHER SWIG OF ORANGE POP.

And THAT my friends is not how I BRING MY A-GAME.  No.  That is how I bring my D-GAME.  Do you think Jillian Michaels would have ANYTHING nice to say about me DRINKING ORANGE POP?

I mean, why not just flush ALL MY EFFORT down the toilet.  Recently I bought this:

NO ORANGE POP DILL HOLE

and I did it for the first time yesterday, and LET ME TELL YOU, I have sore muscles right under the hoots.  You know:  that nether-land at the top of your abs, where it's the strip of meat that covers the top of your ribs, right under the breast bone?  Well, THAT'S what hurts today!  So I have to keep pausing and leaning back in my chair and rubbing my own sore MEAT, and I have a question:

***Um, Jillian?  Yes, hello, it's me, karen Somethingorother.  I have four of your dvd's now, and I think I'm going to enjoy this Six Week Six Pack thing, and by ENJOY, I mean "TOLERATE", but I don't understand what the point of working  that strip of KAREN that's right under my tittehs  is?  I mean, that's not part of the six pack.  What--am I going to get that part in wicked good shape, and that's just the spot where my hooters GET STUCK every night when I rip that heinous bra off and throw it to the floor unless I take my t-shirt and TUCK it under my jugs?

YEAH JILLIAN MICHAELS, WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO ME TO HAVE MUSCLE PAIN THERE?!?  I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD ANY FREAKING MUSCLE THERE.  I WOULD BE HAPPY IF I COULD JUST GO BACK TO MY USUAL PAIN, WHICH IS THE SAME OLD KNEES-A-POPPIN, KNEES WANT TO FALL OFF DISCOMFORT I'VE HAD NEARLY EVERY DAY SINCE MARCH, OKAY?  THANKS.***


My god.  That orange pop.  It's so magical.  It's fizzy and sweet and it tastes like CHILD HOOD.  Yes, they bottled and captured the essence of CHILDHOOD, and made it the bright orange colour of happiness!  SNIFF!

Please, someone...I need help.

35 comments:

  1. Oh, yeah... That orange crap is seriously addictive!!! BEWARE!!! lol and I remember when I was a kid and we lived in Utah all the "cool" kids used to bring a can of soda wrapped in aluminum foil, with their lunch... I was so freaking jealous with my stupid lame dumb juice box. :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. it's true. We all want to be like the other kids, and we don't care what it takes! So, you've pointed out what I was glossing over: Jack's need to be like the other kid. Still, I'm a soda pop nazi.

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  2. That is EXACTLY how I feel about peanut butter. I have been known to get up at 3am and eat a spoonful. It's BAD. I have no advice - I'm seriously lousy with self control.

    Sarah xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sarah, I see nothing wrong with this because peanut butter is FREAKING DELICIOUS.

      Delete
  3. try diet. butthen it has even more weird chemicals.. but less sugar and calories. pick your poison i guess.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd always pick sugar. Paula don't even get me started about "diet" or sugar free products with artificial sweeteners. I'm even more of a wind bag about that subject!!!!

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  4. I hate to be reasonable, but give yourself - and Jack - each a daily quota. A mom I know gives them 8 oz a day, yes only half a bottle. Then totally enjoy those ounces. Not to brag, but I eat a square of really good chocolate when I feel like it, and that's all I do, just enjoy the whole bite. That's very Zen, really.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jeanne, I agree with you about moderation and reasonable amounts and stuff. I don't normally care about pop for one thing, but for another, I have very poor self restraint with junk food, so am not really able to do just a little. And let's not forget about Jack? That kid who hates nearly all food? He doesn't even like the fanta anyway!

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  5. Orange pop!!!!!!!!!!!! What a great thing!! Every once in awhile I will buy a bottle of the store brand..and it is HEAVEN!!! My loves it!! :) But i cant have it too often. Not sure if you remember...but growing up in my house pop was ALWAYS in our house. ALWAYS!
    I cant have that in my house now...
    but the orange pop calls my name every so often...
    I am with ya!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pop was always in our house too, Steph, not to mention a WELL-STOCKED pantry of junk food!!! Luckily the rest of the orange pop has gone flat, so apparently I won and the orange pop lost! For now....

      I'll have to buy some again soon :(

      Delete
  6. Soooooo, you're saying you like the orange pop, right?

    Okay, just checking:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes Vesta. I have to say it again: it tastes like happiness coloured childhood.

      Delete
  7. do you remember THE Pop Shoppe? Omg I remember as a kid when that came to town. I was so jealous of every kid you had one of those bottles.........what a novelty. Karen, way back in the old days, pop and chips were a treat and only served on holidays and birthdays....I can still remember running barefoot in the heat, with my bathing suit and a bottle of green pop. YUM.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Melissa we can still get Pop Shoppe pop around here...where have I seen it...corner stores and Dollarama I think! I have a pop shoppe bottle around here somewhere because I thought it was cool.

      Yeah, it's the different crazy flavours of pop that remind me of childhood! Green pop sounds very fun. Good memory!

      Delete
  8. Oh I have witnessed mothers giving their INFANTS pop. I also have seen mothers giving their kids Tim Hortons ice caps? ARE these mothers insane? Sugar , caffeine, and kids =lunatic crazy mother.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah. I don't get that AT ALL. I don't care if you slap the word "treat" on it.

      Delete
  9. Honey, I think you're too far gone for any kind of help.
    But good luck!
    m.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Orange pop! Haven't had THAT in AGES... hmmm... maybe you need to invent a new alcy drink with orange pop. I KNOW you have it in you.

    aim

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Girls, I think it would be perfectly delicious with either vodka or whisky (leaning to whisky) with an orange wheel floating in it.

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  11. don't.... I love the stuff, particularly when it's hot. I'm pretty good at avoiding fizzy drinks. My personal nemesis is sweets of all kinds. You always make me laugh, sorry that your life amuses me xxx

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad it amuses you Clare! I used to be a sugar junkie, but my tastes have evolved to sodium soaked fatty foods.

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  12. Ha! I spent $2.50 on a bottle of Pop Shoppe lime soda yesterday in Nashville. I still have the cream soda to drink. I must have pepsi, it's my coffee.

    Son #2 has an adversion to the carbination in soda. He also hates the new healthier chocolate milk that school serves so he drinks water most of the time.

    Son #1 likes lots and lots of soda. He's 13, and gets a glass every few days and when we go out to eat but I cut him off from the free refills. When he was 7 months old he was dehydrated and in the emergency room and the nurse asked me if he likes sprite. Uh, really? Guess what, he'd never had a popsicle either. I cringe when I see toddlers walk around with their own soda.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lisa, what's the healthier version of chocolate milk? I'm curious. We go through so much no-name chocolate syrup here...sigh. Best not to talk about it. But, milk makes up at least 50% of Jack's diet.

      Anyhoo, funny--my kids hate the carbonation too! They liked gingerale when they were both yarking, because I stirred a little sugar into their glasses to kill the fizz. I think that's the only time they've had pop, and I was desperate to stop the heaving.

      Delete
    2. trumoo? The schools stopped providing the normal dairy chocolate milk cartons and only do trumoo now. I'm not sure I understand the difference, but Ryan won't touch it.

      Delete
    3. oh yucky--with a name like 'trumoo' it can't be good!

      Delete
  13. sometimes gabes grandma makes him a float with orange pop and vanilla icecream.yummers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ice cream floats are FREAKING AWESOME. It doesn't matter what kind of pop is in it--they're all good. I haven't had one of those in years and years and years. See? All the childhood fun things we toss away.

      Delete
  14. My kids have only recently discovered the joys of fizzy drinks because we never have them at home. Eldest (the puritan) doesn't like anything fizzy, but the younger 2 have taken a shine to Coke. But only when we're out, that's the rule, and NEVER in a lunch box!
    Take care now, Karen, there's an addiction lurking...! xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, my niece loves coke and other fizzy drinks, but the rest of the kids are appalled. Oh well, good for them!

      Delete
  15. all this talk of sugary drinks and snacks is a problem for me. it's making me desire the things that are currently being shunned in my life. it's hard to live in a house with others who feel no remorse about gobbling and sipping anything they please when i don't allow myself to have any of that crap anymore.
    now i'll stop whining about my lack of sweetness.
    about that strip of meat below your hoots.... i didn't know that could hurt from anything other than a stabby underwire bra! i've been doing the p90x ab ripper the past couple weeks and it's bad stuff. even the name makes me cringe. and today i did the hour and a half p90 yoga routine and they do a portion called "yoga belly" and that's awful too! but i suspect that one of these days. i'll be willing to show a portion of my body that's been hidden away beneath roomy shirts for about 14 years! woohoo for the working out portion of this post. may your hoot meat be strengthened and your willpower along with it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If it makes you feel any better, Sherilinnie, I too am in a near constant state of self denial. The Man's aunt just arrived from England with a BAG full of chocolate. The pain, it burns! IT BURNS! I'm going to have to send you an email so's we can gab JUST about exercise! We are IN IT TO WIN IT...
      ..or whatever that means.

      Delete
  16. Who knew that Fanta was Satan's soda?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. actually, the no-name brand was even WORSE (ie; better)!!!

      Delete

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