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Monday, July 23, 2012

Autism Camp: As Much Fun As A Punch In The Back

Ah Autism Camp...

I'm so happy YOU ARE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There.  I think that's enough exclamation points.

I had a lot of anxiety over sending Jack to camp.  I whined it out here, and here.  Sure, I had the usual MOMMY-CAN'T-SEPARATE-FROM-HER-WIDDLE-JACKY-KINS kind of angst, but I was also super stressed on Jack's behalf, because I knew that he would not be pleased about going, and he probably wouldn't love it while he was there, thanks to having inherited my MALCONTENT  GENE.

But,

I had this bright shiny hope that Jack would be in a nice, judgement-free environment, with other little quirky dudes just like him.  I imagined that there would maybe be a kid who knew all the classical composers, or who wanted to talk about the Bolsheviks , or have a really good convo about Gerry And The Pacemakers, or The Who.

What if Jack had met a little guy who said; "I draw all day long too!!"  What if he had met someone who was equally as nervous as he was?  What if he met someone who had to jerk his body uncontrollably when he was really stressed or really tired?  WHAT IF THERE WAS A WHOLE GROUP OF KIDS WHO DIDN'T GET ANNOYED AT JACK?!?

Waaaait a minute...

Am I an idiot?  Did I forget what high functioning Spectrum/Aspergers  kids are like?!?  They might be among THE most intolerant kids on the planet!  Okay, that's a fairly hyperbolic statement, but seriously!  Do these kids have an abundance of PATIENCE?  UH, NO!  And, are they not renowned for their great lack of empathy?  What the hell was I thinking?!?

The first day of camp was really bad. It was a big transition for Jack. It was new and frightening.  The afternoon swimming session, he told me, gave him a headache.  In the evening he was so tired out and distressed and filled with despair that I felt awful for him.  He had so much anger.  A boy in camp, Jack told me with great interest, had "body contact" with one of the counselors.  This means the kid was having a meltdown, and trying to beat the shit out of the counselor.

Okay, this was a good learning lesson.  See, Jack?  There are other kids who feel as frustrated as you do sometimes, right buddy?  However, it was fascinating and horrifying to Jack, because while he freaks out on his family, he never does in a public setting, or on a stranger. Plus, he's really big on THE RULES.

Tuesday was much better.  I think Monday was hard because it was new, and then Tuesday was good because I felt that Jack had had a real sense of accomplishment.  He'd conquered two whole days of camp.  After dinner, we went swimming at my sister's.  On the way back to our house, Jack told me that the same boy who had freaked on Monday, punched him in the back on Tuesday.

My immediate reactions were horror and anger.  That protective mother thing reared up, and I was all ready to march into camp the next day and bitch someone out for not letting me know this.  Jack had simply been thinking of something funny that had happened at home, and chuckling quietly.  This kid got a look of rage on his face, hauled off and socked Jack in the back.  Just let ME get my hands on this little shit and...

and...

Waaaait a minute, karen.  Remember which kids are in this camp?  Yeah.  The frustrated, intolerant ones.  You know how you're always hoping for empathy and understanding for your OWN kid?  Yeah.  Remember that, because that little guy at camp probably has some big stumbling blocks he has to deal with every day.

So, I gave Jack some tips on how to deal with anger like that.  I told him he should tell the kid to calm down, and they'd try again.  You know--talk it out.  If that didn't work, I told him to stay away from him, and if that didn't work, he had to tell his counselor, though he probably should let her know anyway.

The next days were hard.  It was incredibly hot out.  While they went swimming every afternoon, the mornings were filled with games geared toward social interaction; board games, cooperative games, etc.

I asked Jack one day after camp;  "So, was there anyone fun to swim with today?"

Jack:  "I didn't swim with anybody."
Me:  "did the kids all have fun in the pool together?"
Jack: "nobody played with anybody!"

GAH!  Once again, I had forgotten.  What is one of the calling cards of Autism Spectrum Disorder?  LACK OF SOCIAL SKILLS.

So, basically I had put Jack in this camp, hoping he'd have fun with a group of boys his age, and nobody wanted to play together.

AND, on one day, this other boy in camp said to Jack: "if you do it again, I'm going to punch you right in the face."  I don't know what "it" is.  He also said to him, in a really disgusted tone; "thanks a lot, Jack. You just ruined my WHOLE DAY."  This was quoted back to me by Jack.

This troubled Jack immensely.  He is frightened by anger (though at times a very angry boy himself), and finds these kinds of confrontations appalling.  Once again, I told him to just steer clear of these kids, and if they bothered him, tell the counselors.  Jack pleaded with me not to make a scene and tell them.  After all, he's reaching that age wherein too much MOMMY INTERFERENCE causes great embarrassment.

So, finally camp ended.  I was completely worn out from empathizing and fretting all week. I had to rethink what gains we had made from camp, since my original hopes and expectations turned out to be unrealistic.

"Why did you want me to go to camp?"  Jack keeps asking.

Well, I told him, it was a good thing because it got him out of the house.  All he wants to do is stay inside and draw if he's not swimming (lucky thing there's a pool right across the street!!!).  I said it showed him that he is stronger, and more capable than he thought he was, because he stuck it out.  He did it.  He should be very proud of himself for accomplishing something he thought would be scary and difficult.  I also said it was good for him to see what other kids who have Autism might be like, and in that regard, he learned that there can be other kids who are "much more Autistic" than he is.   It's good to develop coping skills in this hard old world.  So I guess he'll take that with him....hopefully.

Would I send Jack to Autism Camp again?  No.  I think it's counterproductive in a sense.  If I want him to mimic the kind of behaviours that help him "fit in" better, I'm sorry to say it, but I don't know if they're found at Autism Camp.  Would he really be able to learn any good social skills there?  It didn't seem like it.  I would rather he go to a camp with--for lack of a better word--"normal" kids, so he could learn by example, and not learn in theory.

Does this mean I would exclude Jack from all Autism-related activities and workshops?  No.  I still intend to find some social skills groups that (by some miracle) won't have waiting lists, and I still daydream about that magical RESPITE WORKER who might one day come into our lives.

In the meantime though, I'll keep him safe at home, where he only has to worry about his little sister punching him.

2010, but nothing's changed.

30 comments:

  1. I just sighed. I want to say, You tried. We do our best and sometimes it just doesn't work out. Now that I think about it, autism camp sounds like like a comic novel of perhaps the existentialist kind. And I think you did very well as a Mom, rolling with Jack's punches. Poor kid. Someday someone's going to love him. Have you read "Born on a Blue Day"?

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    1. No Jeanne, I haven't read it. I'd better mark that down and look it up. Thank you.

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  2. Tough stuff, Mama Bear. A high functioning guy like Jack is hard to accomadate and i don't mean that in a bad way. Brad was the same way when he was a kid. A lot of the stuff aimed at 'helping' was just so low compared to what he needed, he got bored. And as he wasn't low functioning, he couldn't fit with so many of the other kids around him. As far as the social aspect? I think the norm (bad word, I know) might be where he feels best. And if he's a loner, Karen, so what? Better a happy loner than being uncomforable all the time. He'll get it. He will figure it out. He'll find his road, don't you ever doubt it! The odd back punch won't stop him! p.s.You did your best, Dearest. It was the right decision at the time. Ease up on yourself. Hugs.

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    1. You are very right, Leanne. It's only bad if he's a loner if he feels sad about it. If he's happy, that's all that matters. Thanks for sharing about your Brad again.

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  3. we never know until we do things which ones will be the best choices ever and which ones will suck the hardest. now we know - autism camp equals suckage. when brooke sees someone else do something nasty or rude and gets shocked by it, i remind her of the ways she is nasty and rude in her own ways and i think it helps her realize what it looks like from the other side of the viewing pond.
    now let that boy draw and fight with his sister and go swimming for the rest of the summer. and mark another notch in your mommy hardship bedpost.

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    1. Sherilin, that's funny that Brooke also gets shocked by bad behaviour she herself may indulge in. Oh, just like Jack. Jack is a total "do as I say, not as I do" kind of kid.

      Yeah, I'll leave the rest of his summer free and breezy.

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  4. I agree with you in thinking that Autism camp may not be the best thing for Jack. I don't think I would send my son to one.. as he is very high functioning and probably wouldn't get much out of a camp like that.
    We are trying to get him to socialise in "Normal" situations.. like you said.. they learn by example, not in theory.

    In saying that.. sounds like Jack did very well, considering. Well done Jack.

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    1. thank you Sprite. He definitely did better than I anticipated! He usually does though.

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  5. I think you are right to send him to "normal" camp next time. I mean, if he doesn't care, it could only be better for him, right? Although John has not been diagnosed with anything like this, I still think they're all wrong. Still, he seems to be slowly(very slowly) outgrowing it. Your Friend, m.

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    1. I agree Mark! Jack has outgrown many of his "issues" too. Luckily, he keeps things spicy by coming up with new ones!

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  6. Wow - you are such an awesome Mama. I guess you just have to keep trying different things until something clicks into place. I so do not envy you, but I do admire you and also want to pinch you. But that's just me... a little bit violent. Sarah xxx

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    1. I agree with all of this, including the pinching bit.

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    2. you girls crack me up. Okay, pinch if you must. I can take it.

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  7. Karen don't get down on yourself because you tried. You did not fail because to have failed you would have never tried at all. Even if he did not like it, you are exposing Jack to more and more instead of keeping him secluded in your home. Good for Jack for trying too. Don't give up. Enjoy the rest of your summer, swimming, drawing and playing. Oh and don't for one minute think that my kids played together for more than a 1/2 hour without crying, fighting and driving me up a wall.

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    1. yeah, that's exactly it Alaina--trying not to let him be too secluded!

      Funny about your kids--I wondered about that! Ah well, they are so cute though!!!

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  8. You sound pretty awesome to me.

    Maybe... next year, of course, instead of an autism camp, you should try art lessons, or something like that. Something that is in a group of people, but self powered and based on individual motivation...? Summer programs for art classes/camps tend to be small, low class volume, etc.

    Too soon?

    I was just thinking that if you go to music camp, you learn to play music, if you go to art camp, you learn to paint... By that rationale...

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    1. Funnily enough, Leauxra, you hit on something that was written by the counselors at Jack's camp, and that is if something was based on self motivation, he liked it much better. I wonder if he'd like music camp...

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  9. That picture is hilarious! I'm so in awe of you for keeping your cool about the punching thing. I don't know if my brain would have worked that fast!

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    1. I don't think my brain moves too quickly really, but I did mull it over for a moment to come up with that :)

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  10. Argh, it seemed like the right thing to do but the other kids sound really rather awful, he's a brave guy for sticking it out though! Sorry I'm rubbish I meant to email you back but thank you so much for what you said about my art it was really lovely!

    That pic could've been me and my sister!

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    1. Well Clare, I think I have to stalk you a bit now, because your art is marvelous, and I snuck in to your profile pics on Facebook through Sarah (and loved them, you artist you!!!). There, that is my dirty admission.

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  11. Amor,
    You are a great Mama and your little guy is so strong, stronger than you know.
    Cute brotherly love pic.
    besios

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    1. thank you La Dama. I appreciate your kind words. He's a good little guy. Of course I super LURV both of them--even when they're fighting to the death.

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  12. Oh, I'm so glad to have been sent over by M... got me some G-Kids with 'Issues' and this year we send Prince R to Church Camp again because his Medical Team sponsored the whole shebang. We Hoped it would be enriching and better than last year, which it was, but Prince R still being well... Prince R... how the Kids without his Special Needs related to him wasn't all positive for the first 3 days... but I was proud that he persevered without a meltdown this year and the last 2 days the other kids who were not dealing with his 'Differentness" felt Convicted that they'd been unlovely towards him and finally included him. So... it wasn't all good... but it wasn't all bad either... and God Forgive me... but a 5 day Respite and only dealing with the one G-Kid, the Beast Princess, was something I looked forward to... so they can Sponsor him again next year if they want to! *Winks* I'm proud of your Lil Guy for going the Distance... and I'm giving you a great big Virtual Hug 'cause I certainly have a point of reference... we're raising these two because our Daughter was 'Not Well'... so this is the 2nd Generation of Parenting Special Needs Children and it's certainly not for the faint of Heart! Blessings and that Hug from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  13. Dawn, may I ask what "special issues" you are dealing with? You don't have to tell me of course, or you can wait till I get back and I'll read about it on your blog, but my heart goes out to you and Prince R for going through camp. Ah RESPITE--what a lovely double-edged sword it is. I'm glad the kids finally included Prince R, even though he had to go through some rough days at the beginning. Luckily my Jack is still fairly oblivious when kids exclude him.

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    1. With the Girl it is mostly Health Issues and with the Boy it is mostly Mental Health Issues. They're still fairly young so Docs don't have a final verdict on complete diagnosis, with the given History it could cause some problems later on, so only time will tell. Our Daughter had a lot of Issues which is why she was not well enough to raise them so we've had them since Birth and each day is a new Adventure. *winks* Thanks for asking and caring... since their Disabilities tend to be hidden ones it isn't always evident to the casual observer... unless they spend quality time with the G-Kid Force and experience the full Joy that is. *LOL* Lets jut say a little bit of them can go a long way... so Respite Caregivers can not last over the long haul. *Winks* Dawn... The Bohemian

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  14. My goodness! I haven't yet sent my HFA Nick to camp, as he's only just 9 and I would be over-anxious mama bear! But you have given me great cause to re-think ever doing so. Nick sounds very much like Jack. We help coach soccer for Canucks Autism Network and Nick is fascinated by the rude and aggressive behaviour of one of the boys there...so much so that he tries to repeat the bad language and inappropriate stuff and thinks that boy is cool. Arg. Then, he has his own meltdown when the other non-verbal kids shriek or squeal, due to the sensory stuff, so I often wonder WHERE the magical place with be for him to fit in. I mean, in 'real' soccer, no other kid will want to hear from a boy who rambles on to himself or no one in particular about Mario Bros. incessantly. He probably would be able to play some stuff with other 'regular' kids, if he had a few prompts here and there, but sheesh, where can our kids go and fit in? I am terrified that kids will see that he is different and bully him. he is hyper sensitive about being bullies and he may not recognize that he is a target until it's too late. It's so annoying! I really think our two boys would hit it off. Nick has just been introduced to Pokemon cards (for the love of all things holy...) and he was bored one day so I suggested he make his own. He was busy drawing and creating for 3 hours! Anyway, glad it's all over and you can go back to 'normal'. :) Claire

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  15. Claire, didn't you send me a request to your blog ages ago that I subsequently completely forgot about because I'm a mild TARD? Yes. Forgive me, for I am brutal that way.

    Anyhoo, I like this: "Nick is fascinated by the rude and aggressive behaviour of one of the boys there...so much so that he tries to repeat the bad language and inappropriate stuff and thinks that boy is cool".

    I totally live that. You've summed up one of the issues I face so well. Yeah, I don't know--I guess on one hand, if we want to send our kids to a camp in which their are counselors who are equipped, and educated/informed enough to deal with these types of issues, then we send them to issue-specific camps, where they learn nothing from the kids around them (well, maybe nothing is too cynical..). Or, if we want them to learn something, maybe we send them to a camp with "regular" kids, with the introduction that our kids have some issues, and hope the other kids have some kind of empathy.

    Funnily enough, I thought the kids in Jack's class (not all of them) were kinda jerks, until I realised that they really do tolerate his annoying traits better than the kids with the same "issues."

    Who knows. It's a real conundrum.

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