The other night, The Man was putting the kids to bed. Suddenly he ran coughing and sputtering into the bathroom, where he proceeded to gargle, spit and moan over the sink.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I think I just licked some POOP!" he said with much horror.
♥ How did he do it everyone?
WELL!
It turns out there was a brown smudge on Ella's leg, and The Man employed that great parental method of cleaning a kid with a thumb and a tongue.
BUT
he DOUBLE DIPPED. When the smudge, which he thought was marker (because Ella draws all the time), didn't come off immediately, he licked his thumb again but encountered a certain unmistakable ODOUR.
So, he runs into the can in total horror, tells me what happened, and I run in with my handy little spray bottle filled with hydrogen peroxide.
"QUICK!" sez I, "OPEN YOUR MOUTH!"
and he does, because apparently we trust our spouses COMPLETELY, so there I was spritzing and spritzing and spritzing his tongue, and as we all know, peroxide...well, it burns.
So, his eyes begin to water and his mouth starts to burn, and he says to me;
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?"
and I say;
"IT'S PEROXIDE!"
So, I make him gargle with a diluted solution of it, and then I made him swallow a swig of PEPTO, and he said;
"what will that do?"
and I said maybe, just maybe it will kill the poop bacteria before it festers and multiplies in his gut and turns into some fun episode of hurling.
Because really people? I have no experience, personally, with licking poop.
So let this be a lesson to you:
Oh the horror! Ha ha ha ha ha! This made me giggle. A lot.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I have also never licked poop.
yes, Leauxra, luckily it isn't a HUGE danger for all of us.
DeleteOMG, THE HORROR!!!! And for some reason this is making me laugh my ass off. Please tell your husband I am sorry.
ReplyDeleteas well it should Lizbeth. As well it should.
Deletebecause apparently we trust our spouses COMPLETELY
ReplyDeleteOmG this had me laughing to tears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is exactly what would happen at our house....I have no clue WHY my husband think I know everything when it involves some sort of nurse/infectious disease consultant.
And for the record that licking , thumb cleaning thing runs in my husbands family....I have seen it a million times with my hubby....YOU made my day!!!
oh yeah--they're always licking the thumb to clean things off! But you are too funny, because yes--why DO our husbands trust us without question?!?
DeleteHhahaaahahahahahaha!!! Wait? Hasn't he been a parent for a good while now? First rule: If it's brown, don't touch it to your tongue! (And at least you didn't use bleach, right?) Good one!
ReplyDeleteI actually considered bleach, Leanne, and then felt immense sadness knowing I couldn't use my one, golden savior of a product in this instance.
DeleteI feel his pain. Once, when I was still working on an ambulance, I got poked in the eye with poop fingers. I had to go to my own ER to have it washed out, and was saddled with the monikor 'poop eye' for quite some time. Oh, the shame!
ReplyDeleteSo funny! Always do the sniff test FIRST ... THEN you can use the finger and tongue method.
ReplyDeleteyeah! And it's our youngest kid too, so she is NOT out of the poop zone of danger yet. She's close, but not close enough!
DeleteNEVER assume.
ReplyDelete-Student Nurse
exactly, Lauren. EXACTLY.
Deleteoh dear god - i got some dog shit on mynose recently, the horror the horror.
ReplyDeletetoo funny though, Miss Simmonds.
DeleteOH MAN! OH MAN! Oh! OH! I'm weeping... WEEPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh dear GAWD... that was wonderful. Wish I read this earlier so I could have RIBBED him. HA! Actually....... I have my sympathy for the guy. I mean, seriously.. as parents, do we NOT have a hazardous job? Seriously.
ReplyDeleteyes! We should all be wearing biohazard suits.
DeleteOne time, when my kids were small, I thought I found a chocolate covered raisin on the floor...but nope. *hangs head in shame*
ReplyDeleteoh no! Did you pour PEPTO BISMOL down your throat???
DeleteI think it may be a truth universally acknowledged that parenting will involve coming into far closer contact with poop than is desirable... Ingesting it is taking that a bit too far though! Ha, poor Man, that's a bit vile, but can only make him stronger since it didn't kill him! Have you snogged him since, Karen? xxxx
ReplyDeleteI did, come to think of it Curtise--LOL!!!! Yes, that deserved a "LOL". Yeah, far too much contact with poop. It's just no civilized.
DeleteAlways the dispenser of sound advice, Karen :) I'll be sure to pass this on to my husband.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
Thank you Megan. I tell you people these things so that you may be spared the same agony.
DeleteOh my goodness! It is seven o'clock on Saturday morning and I just snorted coffee through my nose, thank you very much:)
ReplyDeleteYour poor man!
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!
DeleteHang on, Imma write this down... don't... lick... poop. Got it!
ReplyDeleteI caught some poop in my hand recently - holding my little fat baby newphew after his bath... all soft and cute and nudie rudie... and he totally crapped in my hand.
Babies are disgusting.
Sarah xxx
that's hilarious about your nephew. Too much proximity with poop.
ReplyDeleteYou need a like button :)
ReplyDeleteOo! A new button! What a fun idea! Thanks very much, and welcome by the way, charming sun-symbol friend.
Delete