Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Thursday, July 26, 2012

Fifty Shades Of...

"Hey..." he murmured
"What?" she muttered.
"She's going to talk about the book," he breathed.
"Holy Shit!  Holy cow! Wow! OH MY!"

Wow!  Oh my!  HOLY CRAP!  It's finally time to talk about THAT BOOK!  My CONSCIOUS SUBCONSCIOUS has been tormented for days, and is PLEADING WITH ME to not cave in with everyone else, and give this any more attention than it's already received.  My INNER GODDESS KAREN is rubbing her hands together with glee because she can't wait to ROAST THIS MOFO.

People, I have been struggling.  STRUGGLING through this book.  This is the book that everyone is talking about lately. Haven't you heard of it by now?  Don't you know someone who has a friend who read it? Have you read it yourself?  Do you FREAKING LURV IT?  Do you have wild fantasies of CHRISTIAN GREY?

Well, we're just going to have to have a little chat, everyone.  You know you want to.

First of all, let me just say a few things about ME.  I loves me some smut.  I love a cheap, tawdry fluffy book. I also love some "Young Adult" literature.  Every summer I enjoy some light, no-brain-required "poolside reading," as I like to call it.  Hell--you know I LURV some Twilight!  Yeah, I liked those books--those melodramatic, HIGHSCHOOL DRAMA, HYPERBOLIC LOVE books.  So, I'm not here to be all SNOOT and say that if it's not written by one of the Bronte sister's, it's garbage..

No.  But I don't like this book.  I was all set to enjoy it, even though my sister didn't like it.  I thought hey--I have NO problem with fluffy candy books.  Bring it on!  But, I just couldn't get into it.  I'm trying to pinpoint WHY, but there apparently are too many reasons.

1. Fifty Shades of Twilight

Yeah, that's right. I'm saying it.

You know what I think?  I think that the author of the Grey trilogy read the Twilight books, and was as irritated as the rest of us that it took, like 5 books (how many are in the Twilight Series???) for Bella and Edward to GET IT ON.  So, she took Bella and Edward, and just switcheroo-ed the names to Anastasia Steele, and Christian Grey.

* Edward has auburn-y hair.  That's funny, so does Christian Grey.

* Bella is super clumsy.  Gee, whattaya know--so is Anastasia.

* Edward is stinking filthy rich.  So is Christian.

* Bella HATES it when Christian...oop...I mean Edward buys her expensive gifts, and so does Anastasia.

* Bella has a dark haired, happy, goofball friend named Jacob who is a different ethnicity from her, and HAPPENS to be in love with her.  Anastasia has a goofball Hispanic friend named José who is in love with her.

* Bella chose not to live with her dipsy flake of a mother who is remarried, and chose to live with her gruff, few-words father.

* Anastasia chose not to live with her dipsy flake of a mother who is remarried, and chose to live instead with her gruff, few-words STEP-father (ooo...clever adjustment).

* Edward/Christian are super refined, with unruly hair, and both play the piano, and love all music from classical to modern pop.  And do I really have to point out how both guys have deep, dark secrets?  Pppffft...


Yeah.  I could go on and on.  I'm telling you, the author of Grey got sick and tired of the c*ck-tease that was the Twilight Saga (waaa!  We can't DO IT UNTIL WE'RE MARRIED!  BOOO!), and decided to KICK IT UP A FEW NOTCHES.

which leads me to...


2. Fifty Shades Of Cheese

Yech.

Okay, from the moment the clumsy, and COMPLETELY UN-SEXY Anastasia Steele, literally tumbles into CEO Christian Grey's office, they're unbelievably horny for each other, and spend a great deal of time GETTING IT ON.

And, that's basically the book.  The End.  You're welcome, you no longer have to read it.

OH BUT WAIT! There's a twist!  Christian is SUPER MESSED UP and only really gets turned on by S&M, or BDSM, and maybe even PB&J (we don't know--it doesn't say).  It's the only way he knows how to show love because BIG SURPRISE...DUM, DUM, DUUUUUUM...SOMETHING traumatic happened in his childhood.

Gee, are we retarded?  Have we all not figured out he was abused?  Do we care?
No.

Onward!

So, he wants this dope Anastasia to sign his contract to become his SUBMISSIVE and...and she can't help herself because he is so gorgeous..yes, he's messed up, but he's so freaking HOT and she's already feeling that delicious sensation in her nether regions, and oh, he barely has to touch her and she feels the quickening, and she's BITING HER LIP, ANASTASIA, STOP BITING YOUR LIP, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO ME AND I WANT TO TAKE YOU OVER MY KNEE AND SPANK YOU, BUT WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO IS TIE YOU UP AND TAKE THIS PADDLE TO YOU...OR MAYBE THIS PADDLE BECAUSE I HAVE ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT THINGS TO WHACK YOU WITH AND...

you know, right there they lost me?  Yeah.  It's so over the top.  I mean, I've already said it. I love smut. I LURV IT, but I do not feel a damn thing about bondage and doms and subs and being a "yes sir" kind of girl.  It's so ridiculous.  It's like the author said; "oo...how can I make Bella and Edward..erm, I mean, Ana and Christian REALLY shocking?!?"

Oh, and in the meantime, in the parts in which they're not having a zillion BIG O'S, there is NOTHING going on, people.  Nada.  Zip.  But I'll get to that in the next part.

But Anastasia is persistent!  She wants to know why Christian is so messed up!  Why he WON'T LET HER TOUCH HIS CHEST EVER (gay), and why he's so reluctant to become (normal) the loving man she truly wants!  And then Christian tells her, one night before they fall asleep.

HIS MOTHER WAS A CRACK WHORE

HOLY CRAP! OH MY GOD! HOLY SHIT! WOW! OH MY!

Give me a break.

A CRACK WHORE?  Seriously?  I actually snorted when I read that.  I mean, come on.  A "crack whore."  No, his mother wasn't just a prostitute, because apparently that's not enough hardship.  Nope.  She was HOOKING for CRACK.  Nay!  She was WHORING for CRACK!

Seriously?  Is there really such a thing as a crack whore, or isn't that just the punchline in about a zillion jokes????

I roll my eyes at this.

I have decided that Christian and Ana are like those obnoxious friends one has who make out furiously all the time in front of anyone, and it's revolting, and totally embarrassing.

And can she stop biting her lip?  Seriously.  It sounds fairly OCD to me.

I could think of all kinds more to bitch about, but let's move along to

3. Fifty Shades Of Bad Writing

Oh my!  Wow!  Holy cow! Holy crap! Holy shit!  SHE murmured.  HE muttered.  She breathed.  HE murmured.  SHE muttered.  HE breathed.  OH my! WOW! HOLY COW!  HOLY CRAP! HOLY SHIT!

Oh my!  Wow!  Holy cow! Holy crap! Holy shit!  SHE murmured.  HE muttered.  She breathed.  HE murmured.  SHE muttered.  HE breathed.  OH my! WOW! HOLY COW!  HOLY CRAP! HOLY SHIT!  

Oh my!  Wow!  Holy cow! Holy crap! Holy shit!  SHE murmured.  HE muttered.  She breathed.  HE murmured.  SHE muttered.  HE breathed.  OH my! WOW! HOLY COW!  HOLY CRAP! HOLY SHIT!  

Oh my!  Wow!  Holy cow! Holy crap! Holy shit!  SHE murmured.  HE muttered.  She breathed.  HE murmured.  SHE muttered.  HE breathed.  OH my! WOW! HOLY COW!  HOLY CRAP! HOLY SHIT!  

Get the picture?

I have to say, the character of Christian Grey is interesting. He is intriguing.  Sometimes I kind of like the dialogue between them, when they're NOT boning.  But the damn repetition makes me want to cry.  And GRAMMAR NERD KAREN, unfortunately gets stuck on sentences that read similarly to this:

"He unbuttoned his jeans, and slid his jeans down his legs."  Yes, we get it.  His JEANS.

How many times can I read that his pants hung off his hips in that sexy way?  Or that his hair was unruly?

The character of Anastasia though?  She's not sexy at all!!!  Just because the book tells us that she's BEAUTIFUL?  BIG WHOOP! I need more!  She's not interesting, but this is typical for any of these books in which the story is clearly all about the enigmatic dude.  The girl is always just a one dimensional paper cutout ~ wallpaper, if you will.

This book actually made me sick of the sexy bits.  At around page 300, I started to get into it--the book, not the sexy bits.  Just as some of the story was getting good, then they're all looking at each other with scorching eyes again, and I wanted to scream "OH COME ON!"

Maybe my biggest problem with this book, is that it's basically a teenager book trying to masquerade as ADULT fiction.  I mean, The Twilight books never pretended to be something else.  SNIFF!

But you know what?  Kudos to the author, because tons and tons and tons of hor-nay women super LURV this book.  I mean, they're freaking for it, so she did something right.

Hey, I was inspired to make this ridiculous little movie, just because I love you guys.  Here, enjoy.



Oh hell--let's do one more

4. Fifty Shades of Jamie Fraser

People, all I can say is if you think Christian Grey is truly hot--unbelievably hot, you have NOT become acquainted with JAMIE MUTHAF*CKIN' FRASER.

Seriously people.  If you want titillation, you
NEED to read this book.  Granted Ms. Gabaldon is
descriptive to the point where it probably
will make you cry, but no matter because
THAT MAN IS HAWT


Now THAT is a fictitious man who will make your toes curl and your blood boil. So, after meeting Jamie Fraser, the manicured, long fingered, muttering, murmuring Christian Grey did NOT turn my crank.




Nuff said.



YOUR TURN!  

60 comments:

  1. Hilarious

    It's terrible writing but it's made for some great blog posts from people and this is one of the best.

    i miss your blog. i'm back, though.

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  2. Hi Lance! I too have been horribly absent, but just know that is ABSENCE ACROSS THE BOARD!! I'm glad you enjoyed my rant!

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  3. lmao! i love that you didn't like it!
    your video made me giggle stupidly, then i had to murmur to my husband and breathe my explanation. then he muttered angrily.

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    Replies
    1. I love that you love that I didn't like it! I'm also glad you appreciated my completely ridiculous video...I muttered...

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  4. seriously how many times can she say christian smell like christian and body wash.

    okay we get it , he smells good.if.you want yummy hotness.that isn't dumb, jamie fraser, All the.way!!

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    Replies
    1. yes, thank you for pointing that one out, Paula. I failed to mention that "Christian scent" Blech.

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  5. I think I'm just going to start murmuring and muttering all the time. I'll make it my new THING. Your blog make me crack so much so that I ACTUALLY sprayed some of my own MOUTH SPIT on the monitor! Blech. Windex, here I come.

    Aimee

    P.S. I have little to offer.. because girlfriend, you SAID IT ALL! Well, except the part recommending we read Outlander. I had a seriously hard time with that book too. The chick in it was STOOOOPID... but yes, I agree... Jamie Fraser (minus the red hair) is HAWT.

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    Replies
    1. I'm going to "breathe" all my answers, because apparently, that is just so sexy. Nerdo. Sometimes a red haired guy can be totally hawt.

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  6. miss paula lurvs jamieJuly 26, 2012 at 11:04 PM

    his hair is not red, like orange,but like a red deer, that would be a nice colour. p.s. it is hard to type on a phone. pss.look up why i fell in love with jamie fraser'jamieisms' good stuff. psss.they are going to make a outlander tv series, for hbo or showtime, a la game of thrones.can not wait.

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    Replies
    1. I'll have to look that up, Paula! I love the comparison to a red deer and not orange! BAH HA HA! And yes! I did hear about the series that's coming! That is indeed the way to do it. They'd never be able to fit it all into a movie.

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  7. I knew it sucked. I have no interest what so ever in reading it. Any time the masses go nuts over a new singer, movie etc etc i don't bother with it. I have never been a sheep!
    I am so glad you confirmed what i have been thinking about this book.
    Now i don't have to waste my money. Yeah i like some sexy stuff but i pass on the bondage kinky stuff.

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    Replies
    1. Well you are welcome then Pam! I did the suffering for you :)

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  8. KAREN KAREN you have no idea how much I needed this stupid post.......oh I sat and laughed, and it was so good to laugh. BECAUSE I have been dealing with F**King carpenter ants. They are invading this home and I am feeling a little OCD......and like they are crawling on me.....and I am so stressed out. So we got a dude coming tomorrow, but tonight as I sit and wait for my son to phone for a ride......you took me away from my ant drama!!!!!!!!

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    Replies
    1. CARPENTER ANTS! GAAAAAH! Oh my god. You know how I feel about ants, Melissa. I HATE HATE HATE HATE them. No. Hate is not a strong enough word. There is no word strong enough actually. I guess you have a leak somewhere??? Poor you, that totally blows.

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  9. oh my god, your Ricky Gervais face in the video made my day - actually this whole post did, it's hilarious. Someone missed their calling as the best literary critic EVER

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    Replies
    1. well, maybe I'll keep doing it, Clare, and someone will DISCOVER ME! Yes, that's the ticket!

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  10. You were dead on with the annoying parts. Seeing as it has been about 5 years since I have really picked up a book, no it didn't bother me that much. I added your book recommendation to my kindle and I hope to read it Saturday at my husbands day long event of baseball. Who schedules 7 games of baseball in one day.

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    1. 7 games in one day! That would literally kill me. Too much physical activity. Hell Alaina--don't feel bad about liking the book, it is extremely popular!!! I am in the minority!

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    2. I went and checked out the site that rips the book apart. Really, if I don't like the first chapter of a book I most certainly am not going to finish it. Let alone talk about each and every sentence in the book. I have never read the Twilight series and probably never will because the movies were bad.

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    3. You've made a very good point, Alaina, that I keep thinking of about the woman who spends SOOOOOO much time ripping a book apart. At one point is she capitalizing off the book, rather than simply writing a review and getting on with it? Also, there is a certain spirit of nastiness involved in putting that much effort in, no?

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  11. I tried. I really tried. For you. But I never even got to the first passage of smut, thanks to the atrocious writing. While Anastasia's stupid subconscious was figuratively tapping her stupid feet or dancing, mine literally fell asleep.

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    Replies
    1. Jinnie, you just cracked me up with the astute mention of the subconscious. Lurv it. Thank you for trying!

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  12. See, now I want to read it! Actually, I don't read at all but if I did, I would read it. But only to laugh all through it picturing you reading it and rolling your eyes.
    m.

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    Replies
    1. surely someone you know can drop it in your lap, Mark? Then you don't have to spend money on it to join in the fun.

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  13. http://infinitereads.com/2012/06/03/whats-the-big-deal-fifty-shades-of-grey-live-blogging-edition-chapters-13/

    You MUST read this! This blogger HATES this book! I laughed ALOT at her take on things!
    If you are not going to read this book...here each chapter is outlined for you, by the blogger..who couldn't even finish it!
    If I read She murmuring, muttering, the Holy Shits, Holy Moly,Holy Cows...and the eye rolling AND the Lip biting...I am not sure there would be much of a book left!!!
    It was so crazy...I had to read to all three....
    I have never read the Twilight books (or have even watched the movies) but i do know that this book was started as a twilight thing...i forget how it all got switched to Christian and Ana...but thats why they are the same storey.
    As for the sex parts..."down there" really??? He touched me "down there"...ugh.
    I could go on and on...and on...as there were some parts that I DID like about it.

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    Replies
    1. I like the endless QUICKENING.... bleck. Calm down woman. LOL

      huggies to you Steph.

      aim

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    2. Yeah Steph! THanks for the link. I had no idea this was started as Twilight fan fiction. It makes perfect sense now, of course. The twilight books were pure teenage angsty fluff. You only need 1/3 of your brain to read them! Hooray!

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    3. yeah, it's so stupid how easily she O'S.

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  14. LOL You know that the book was originally Twilight fan fiction right? So you were right on with your first point.
    I read the book only because I haven't read most of the popular ones like Twilight. Vampires and werewolves don't do it for me. I agree with the repetitive writing plus the author told us what the characters were like instead of showing us or revealing it. I think that had a lot to do with why I didn't really get into it.

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    Replies
    1. Lisa, I did not know that! That is very interesting. Vampires and werewolves are retarded to me as well, and generally I steer the hell away from that kind of crap. Edward is HARDLY even a vampire. Geez--I don't even think in the Twilight books they have pointy teeth. LAME.

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  15. I've not read the book because I've heard that the writing is horrible, and you have confirmed that. Thanks for solidifying my decision to not waste my time. How does crap like this get published when there are tons of great writers out there that can't get the time of day??

    As for Outlander...my FAVE book of all time!!

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    Replies
    1. I don't know Flannery--why do so many women LOVE this kind of book, and like you said, other authors can't get the time of day??? Must ponder this.

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  16. HAH! I guess I'm off the hook. Don't have to read it even though you insisted.

    I am highly amused that they used the same formula as Twilight... I wonder... Maybe we should really see how far women will go to read porn. Maybe some zombie smutty books? (I'm sorry, I would never do that, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about it).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, Leauxra. Zombie smutty books would probably be very popular...or maybe only to guys. Who knows.

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  17. My wife claims she read Fifty Shades of Gray ages ago (way before the craze) and she didn't finish. She also claims to still be 29.

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    Replies
    1. hrm dbs, maybe she did indeed give it a try! It would be interesting to hear what someone thought of something before the BUZZ took it over.

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  18. And all of your reasons are exactly why I can not read that book. No matter what people say I simply can't bring myself to do it.

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  19. I agree with Miss Simmonds - you absolutely need to be a literary critic! Firstly because I trust your opinion more than most and secondly because you are the funnies human on the planet. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! And the video? Genius!! Sarah xxx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Sarah, you lovely thing you. Like I told Miss Simmonds, I am PATIENTLY waiting to be DISCOVERED. Yes, let fate do the work for me!

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  20. I am chuckling away at your cheese porn video. Littlest just looked over my shoulder and asked if you are my friend (yes) and if you like cheese (yes) and if I am going to send you some, since both former statements are true (might do!) Or I might just send you some smutty book...
    Oh Karen, you do the dirty work so we don't have to, thank you thank you!
    The book sounds a pile of shite, but holy crap, she murmured, how I laughed at your review of it! xxxxx

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    1. thank you Curtise! I'm so glad you enjoyed. I know you stalwartly refused to read it. Kudos to you. I do indeed like cheese! I also love smut. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

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  21. Love your thoughts (i.e. jabs) on that book series. Let's be honest, I've never nor will ever read that shit, BUT my wife was obsessed. The writing looks awful, so glad someone else in our world thinks so too :-)

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    Replies
    1. hooray Dr. C! I'm glad you enjoyed my take on the shite.

      Delete
  22. BWAHAHAHA! I wish I had read this post before I went on vacation! I haven't read the book, but I swear to gawd every Tommy Tourist I saw had it. We heard people talking about it at breakfast. We wandered into a book store/art gallery, and three different women came in looking for the book. I was like, what the hell, should I read it just to find out what the hype is about?

    And clearly, the answer is no.

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  23. Yeah, the answer is indeed no...but if you did, Vesta, you could join in the mocking fun! Or...maybe you'd fall in love with CHRISTIAN GREY. Yeah, prob not.

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  24. Best shit book critic ever!
    The best bit was your little steamy cheese vid.
    I am a cheese whore myself.
    besoshilarioubiatch

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  25. thank you La Dama! I'm so glad you enjoyed my terrible little video. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one cracking up over these things, and then I feel a little guilty because I made them.

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  26. new to your blog thanks to Mark...and your had me laughing from the very beginning. I was going to read this because everyone else is but hadn't yet. Dont plan on it now either, best book critic ever!! you rock! I will be back!

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    1. thank you Just Us, I appreciate it! Well, I also hadn't planned on reading the second book AT ALL, but it has just been dropped in my lap. I actually feel a little discouraged. Oh well, maybe it'll be good fodder for more blog book roasting.

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  27. I didn't want to read the books because of the hype. Always hated being told what to do (even i should do it), but in this case i'm glad i didn't follow the masses , I think i like your recap better LOL

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    Replies
    1. Corvus, I too hate being told what to do even if it's best for me. Blech. I read the book because it dropped into my lap, and it's summer time. Other than that, it's pretty much garbage in my opinion--but fun to make fun of!

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  28. Bottom line... will it at least make me horny enough to let my inner beast out & become a wild sex kitten? If not... can you do a video of the sex scenes so I can by pass reading it & just watch the movie verison like I do every other book. Thanks!

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  29. No. No it will not. Okay, that's not entirely true: I've heard LOTS OF WHISPERINGS from other women about hopping on their non-Christian-grey men after reading. Personally? I find the whole "lust-mance" so teenager-ishly tedious, that it just reaffirms that I'm glad I'm older.

    And you know, I'm all about the SMUTTY BITS. I loves me some smutty bits, but this book just doesn't cut it somehow. Maybe it's because the girl character is always thinking "OH MY!" every time buddy sproings out of his pants.

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  30. you are a much braver person than i! took me the first few paragraphs to toss the thing right back at the bookshelf and walk to the trusted and true science fiction aisle.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, but Mrs Eaves, how could you pass up so much GARBAGE??? Oh wait...I think I answered my own question. Ah well, good for you!

      Delete
  31. One of the best blog reviews i've seen about this train wreck of a book!! The CHEESE video at the end seals the deal quite nicely. Your facial expressions had my INNER GODDESS peeing herself!! Thanks for proving that not all of us ladies are mindless lemmings. I've shared your post on my facebook page; I hope you don't mind. You can find it here: http://www.facebook.com/#!/50ShadesOfCraptasticGrey

    VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!!

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    1. Thanks so much TopazVonZ! Or shall I just call you Topaz...biting my lip...

      no! Stop karen! You KNOW what that does to people!

      I'm so glad you appreciated my rant, and even posted it to your facebook page! I will check it out! Thanks for dropping by. I'll be doing more 50 shades stuff soon. I think I have a 50 shades keyword link on my right side bar at the bottom of my blog with the links to all the ranting I've done thus far. I think...

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  32. Funny, hilarious, dead on, made my day kinda blog....thank god for people such as yourself with a brain and can spot crap a mile away. I will share you blog if you don't mind!!!

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    Replies
    1. thank you Layna! I'm glad it made your day, and by all means, feel free to share.

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