Oh thanks. I needed that.
Much of The Man's family from England are still visiting (all in town for a family wedding), and we're all still super busy, so I am taking a small break here to chitty chat with you guys, because frankly, it's been one fuckeroo of a week. Pardon my language.
As many of you know, I don't use the EFF word lightly. No. It is my most special, most sacred word. You can't toss that shit around like candy. No. You have to save it like it's the last few shots of that really special rum you got in the Dominican. If you use it all the time, it loses its power. It's the king of all words.
Anyhow, I present for you now:
KAREN'S GUIDE TO HAND FOOT & MOUTH DISEASE
"Hand Foot & Mouth Disease" is a nasty little mofo you may or may not have heard of, or even encountered. Henceforth, we shall refer to it as HFMD.
At first, you were smug. Your kids now get to have a chicken pox vaccination, so you were all NYAH, SUCK ON THAT, CHICKEN POX! LICK MY A$$, SHINGLES! YOU WON'T GET MY KIDS!
Yes, you were very smug. You spent your days on the lookout for:
b) the flu
c) the "stomach flu", AKA barf-o-poop-o-rama
d) weird, vague, mystery fevers with few to no symptoms
e) cancer. Always with the cancer. You can hardly go a minute without thinking about frigging cancer. That weird little bump your kid got on his arm, simply by bashing himself at the playground? Well, it didn't go away IMMEDIATELY, so you freaked, sobbed and concluded it was cancer.
And then one of your kids was lucky enough to get HF&MD. Here's what you can expect:
♥ two or three days of lethargy, complaints of headaches, mystery tantrums, and come-and-go fevers
♥ total flipping out when they try to eat something, like you've filled their sandwiches with small, razor sharp knives, and their juice with battery acid. You will think they're getting colds.
! This blows, because it's probably coinciding with something important, like THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL. Oh well, it's just a cold. You can keep him/her home from school for one day. The last week of school is 98% useless BS anyway.
♥ At around the third day or so, you will conclude your kid's eczema has gone completely haywire. Wow, that's some crazy, f*cking eczema! you will say to yourself. Antihistamines and oatmeal baths will, of course, be totally useless. Then that rash will start to get retarded. Your sister will say; "that sounds like more than just eczema to me," and so you decide to whip that kid in to see the doctor.
...and also because you gave the kid a spoonful of honey and she's now SCREAMING, SCREAMING BECAUSE THE HONEY IS BURNING, OH IT'S SOOOOO BURNING!!!!
♥The diagnosis will arrive: HAND FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE. What the hell is that?!?
It is a fairly contagious viral infection, which typically occurs most often in children 10 years old and younger. It is spread by poo poos, open, oozing rash sores, coughing, sneezing, general juvenile need to lick random things, etc. It causes fever, general malaise, rash, and blister-like sores on the throat! Hooray!
♥ Oh, and this will happen before a really important event, like, a family wedding, ESPECIALLY if your daughter is the flower girl, your son has his own little rental tuxedo, and you have had your little black dress hanging up in the closet for months.
When you google image HF&MD, you will typically see pictures like this:
There are other pictures with a few dots on feet, arms, etc. Most look not too, too horrid, and there are a few pictures that look pretty lousy.
However, this is YOU, and YOU are CURSED. Your child will look like THIS
♥ Oh yeah...and everything you read will pretty much say that the rash typically doesn't itch. That, of course, it total BULLSHIT. It itches like a zesty motherf*cker, and your poor kid can't sleep for two nights as that sumbitch blooms and blossoms.
♥ In between generous bouts of self pity and wailing that you'll NEVER GO TO THE WEDDING NOW, AND YOU HAD SPARKLY SHOES, AND WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO WEAR YOUR SPARKLY SHOES NOW? TO THE GROCERY STORE?!? bleach the frig out of everything so your other kid doesn't get it, and give your poor kid two to three baths a day, dabbing their skin with antibacterial soap.
♥ Calamine lotion actually seems to work! You want to kiss that calamine lotion. It's a total asshole to apply though. Too bad you'll clearly never make it into the MENSA CLUB. It's a total revelation when your dad suggests painting that thin, milk-like stuff on with a little paintbrush.
♥ Finally, don't panic. Karma loves to shit on you, yes. It loves to take big, crunchy dumps directly on your head, and you know this, but you should also know that typically it will work out in the end, and you'll make it to that special event! After all, HF&MD usually only lasts one endless, hellish week.
! However: you will be exhausted by the time your child feels better. You will be completely maxed out, and will have a shameful moment of screeching at your children in the car that NOBODY CAN DRINK THE GODDAMN FRUITOPIA NOW UNTIL WE GET TO THE HOTEL BECAUSE AT LEAST YOU GUYS GOT A DRINK, AND GUESS WHAT?!? I'M HUNGRY AND THIRSTY TOO AND I'VE HAD NOTHING!!! GOT THAT?!? N O T H I N G !!!!!
|did you know it was actually 4000 degrees on Sunday?|
♥ Weddings have COCKTAILS. Also, there's always a liquor store around here somewhere. Never forget that. It will get you through.