Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
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Thursday, July 5, 2012

The Road To FUN Is Paved With Crusty, Oozing Sores

I miss you guys.  Can we hold each other for a moment?

Oh thanks.  I needed that.

Much of The Man's family from England are still visiting (all in town for a family wedding), and we're all still super busy, so I am taking a small break here to chitty chat with you guys, because frankly, it's been one fuckeroo of a week.  Pardon my language.

As many of you know, I don't use the EFF word lightly.  No.  It is my most special, most sacred word.  You can't toss that shit around like candy.  No.  You have to save it like it's the last few shots of that really special rum you got in the Dominican.  If you use it all the time, it loses its power.  It's the king of all words.


See that?  I even had to censor my drawing, because if my kids look at my blog and see that KING EFF there, they'll be all exaggerated gasp for air horror sounds, and The Man will say nothing, but he might give me that look again that says I really should be more careful about the kind of stuff I put on my blog, because it's out there for the whole world to see.

Anyhow,  I present for you now:



KAREN'S GUIDE TO HAND FOOT & MOUTH DISEASE

"Hand Foot & Mouth Disease" is a nasty little mofo you may or may not have heard of, or even encountered.  Henceforth, we shall refer to it as HFMD.

At first, you were smug.  Your kids now get to have a chicken pox vaccination, so you were all  NYAH, SUCK ON THAT, CHICKEN POX!  LICK MY A$$, SHINGLES!  YOU WON'T GET MY KIDS!

Yes, you were very smug.  You spent your days on the lookout for:

a) colds
b) the flu
c) the "stomach flu", AKA barf-o-poop-o-rama
d) weird, vague, mystery fevers with few to no symptoms
e) cancer.  Always with the cancer.  You can hardly go a minute without thinking about frigging cancer.  That weird little bump your kid got on his arm, simply by bashing himself at the playground?  Well, it didn't go away IMMEDIATELY, so you freaked, sobbed and concluded it was cancer.

And then one of your kids was lucky enough to get HF&MD.  Here's what you can expect:

♥ two or three days of lethargy, complaints of headaches, mystery tantrums, and come-and-go fevers

♥ total flipping out when they try to eat something, like you've filled their sandwiches with small, razor sharp knives, and their juice with battery acid.  You will think they're getting colds.

! This blows, because it's probably coinciding with something important, like THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL.  Oh well, it's just a cold.  You can keep him/her home from school for one day.  The last week of school is 98% useless BS anyway.

♥ At around the third day or so, you will conclude your kid's eczema has gone completely haywire.  Wow, that's some crazy, f*cking eczema! you will say to yourself.  Antihistamines and oatmeal baths will, of course, be totally useless.  Then that rash will start to get retarded.  Your sister will say; "that sounds like more than just eczema to me," and so you decide to whip that kid in to see the doctor.

...and also because you gave the kid a spoonful of honey and she's now SCREAMING, SCREAMING BECAUSE THE HONEY IS BURNING, OH IT'S SOOOOO BURNING!!!!

♥The diagnosis will arrive:  HAND FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE.  What the hell is that?!?

It is a fairly contagious viral infection, which typically occurs most often in children 10 years old and younger.  It is spread by poo poos, open, oozing rash sores, coughing, sneezing, general juvenile need to lick random things, etc.  It causes fever, general malaise, rash, and blister-like sores on the throat!  Hooray!

♥ Oh, and this will happen before a really important event, like, a family wedding, ESPECIALLY if your daughter is the flower girl, your son has his own little rental tuxedo, and you have had your little black dress hanging up in the closet for months.

When you google image HF&MD, you will typically see pictures like this:

source


and this:


source


and this:

source

There are other pictures with a few dots on feet, arms, etc.  Most look not too, too horrid, and there are a few pictures that look pretty lousy.

However, this is YOU, and YOU are CURSED.  Your child will look like THIS



































♥ Oh yeah...and everything you read will pretty much say that the rash typically doesn't itch.  That, of course, it total BULLSHIT.  It itches like a zesty motherf*cker, and your poor kid can't sleep for two nights as that sumbitch blooms and blossoms.

♥ In between generous bouts of self pity and wailing that you'll NEVER GO TO THE WEDDING NOW, AND YOU HAD SPARKLY SHOES, AND WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO WEAR YOUR SPARKLY SHOES NOW?  TO THE GROCERY STORE?!?  bleach the frig out of everything so your other kid doesn't get it, and give your poor kid two to three baths a day, dabbing their skin with antibacterial soap.

♥ Calamine lotion actually seems to work!  You want to kiss that calamine lotion. It's a total asshole to apply though.  Too bad you'll clearly never make it into the MENSA CLUB.  It's a total revelation when your dad suggests painting that thin, milk-like stuff on with a little paintbrush.

Total revelation.

♥ Finally, don't panic. Karma loves to shit on you, yes. It loves to take big, crunchy dumps directly on your head, and you know this, but you should also know that typically it will work out in the end, and you'll make it to that special event! After all, HF&MD usually only lasts one endless, hellish week.

! However:  you will be exhausted by the time your child feels better.  You will be completely maxed out, and will have a shameful moment of screeching at your children in the car that NOBODY CAN DRINK THE GODDAMN FRUITOPIA NOW UNTIL WE GET TO THE HOTEL BECAUSE AT LEAST YOU GUYS GOT A DRINK, AND GUESS WHAT?!?  I'M HUNGRY AND THIRSTY TOO AND I'VE HAD NOTHING!!! GOT THAT?!?  N O T H I N G !!!!!




did you know it was actually 4000 degrees on Sunday?

♥ Weddings have COCKTAILS.  Also, there's always a liquor store around here somewhere.  Never forget that. It will get you through.

27 comments:

  1. BLOODY HELL!!!
    Poor you! POOR ELLA! Damn germy weird crazy f*cking diseases... Is she better? Did Jack get it? That is it. If I come your way this Fall, we are getting a bottle of Screech. To kill the pain, of course.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Leanne! Ella's all better now and I think Jack didn't really get it--he had some vague, mystery fever for a day and that was it. Yes, bring on the Screech!!!!

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  2. Ah Karen how horrible! How do these things always come to you? I have never heard of this in kids!! I hope you drank a bottle at the wedding...girl you needed it!

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    Replies
    1. Pam, I drank a LOT of stuff at the wedding. It made it all better.

      Delete
  3. We call it "slapped cheek" around here. Because we are trashy.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Sanstrousers! Nice to see you here. Trashy is good. There's nothing wrong with trashy.

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  4. Poor Ella. :( Adam had sores in his mouth and a teeny tiny bit elsewhere.. like less than a dozen. I don't miss those fun days of childhood.

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    Replies
    1. Isn't that the truth, Lisa! Those FUN DAYS OF CHILDHOOD.

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  5. Ewww that is disgusting! DID YOU MISS THE WEDDING??? I love the thought of you PAINTING on the calamine with an actual paint brush. I wanna see pics of you in the hot black dress and sparkly shoes AT THE SUPERMARKET. Thanks. HUGS! Sarah xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sarah, you IDIOT, I did not miss the wedding. Hee hee...

      Yes, there is a post coming with me in my dress. I just have to have more than five frigging minutes to get to it and then it's SPARKLY DISCO, AH YEAH

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  6. That sucks!Motherhood can be a bitch!

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    1. Ruth, you've summed it up perfectly. We need that on t-shirts with a pic of a kid with a really rashy face.

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  7. what's this lump in my armpit?! Is it cancer?! No it's a boil... I'm just like you panicking about mystery aches and spots. This time for you it was something hideous but not life threatening, I'm sure it won't ever be a life threatening thing. You need a secret hilltop where you can shout FUCK as loudly and as long as you want

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  8. I do actually have a boil right now - sexy

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    Replies
    1. Hilarious, Clare, and you have my sympathies. Oh, if it makes you feel any better, I have plenty of ugly lumps and bumps. I'm glad someone else shares my monstrous cancer phobia. It's such good times.

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  9. All together now -FUUUUUUCCKKKK!
    What a hideous time you and Ella have had. Hope it's over now. Did you make it to the wedding? (I SO want you to have made it to the wedding) I agree with Sarah, if you didn't, then wear that damn frock and the sparkly heels and the bling anyway, just for us. To the supermarket, in the garden, anywhere you like. I insist.
    And once more with feeling - FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKETTTYFUCK. That's better. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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    1. Thank you Curtise. I needed that giant fuck. Yes, as I just typed to Sarah, I will indeed be wearing that dress and taking photies. I need the sun to come out again though, so everyone can be blinded by my shoes.

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  10. We had the HF&MD and it was awful. And because my kids didn't get it all at once but rather staggered it, we had it for a whole frigging month. It was hell. HELL. I know I lost a little part of my soul that month. I know it.

    I'm glad you guys are feeling better and you didn't look too hellish for the wedding. The alcohol was a plus though....

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    1. Lizbeth, I know that you're often on the same side of the suffering fence with me. I am way behind in catching up on what you've been writing lately. I'll get there, woman!

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  11. Oh that's just nasty!
    Honestly, I feel so bad for you all. This worst part to me is the fact that it got to you right before the wedding. That added stress couldn't have helped any.
    On the bright side, you made me laugh. So see HF&MD is good for something!
    m.

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    Replies
    1. Mark, if it made you laugh, this is a good thing. Turning lemons into cocktails or something like that...

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  12. And now my kids are battling it. LUCKILY it's been no where NEAR as bad as Ella's. Charlotte was worst than Lily... When it got really bad: Charlotte wakes up around 10pm WAILING and NOTHING WILL CALM HER THE EFF DOWN! And she's so EFFING MAD OVER HER HURTING THROAT that she decides she needs to FIGHT with me and HIT me... wow. I don't know the last time I saw her THAT upset. I finally resorting to just sitting there quietly on the floor while she hurled hate and tears my way... then she calmed down and went to sleep only to wake up 20 minutes later WAILING AGAIN! Lily's back of her throat looks nasty. I had a look about half an hour ago and was surprised by how icky it looks!!! But otherwise, she's not TOO bad. :)

    Stupid Hand and Foot Mouth... whatever you're called again disease.

    Aim

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    Replies
    1. It's interesting how the kids have each dealt with their plague in their own ways though, isn't it?

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  13. Well that just sucks big balls!! Gah, your kid got it BAD. Mine had it a few years ago, but other than all of the skin peeling off his hands, like a glove, it didn't seem to get as rashy. Geez, you have got the WORST luck ever. I'm so glad it all ended well, with cocktails (as all harrowing tales should end).

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    1. BIG ones, Flannery, GREAT BIG, MEATY BALLS. That's interesting about Connor's hands because seriously? What the hell is this virus?!?
      Thank you for acknowledging my worse than average luck. Sometimes I think the Man doesn't believe me, and just thinks I'm a legendary whiner.

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