|I can't believe I'm talking about this again.|
People. It's weird.
I had vowed to not read anymore of this 50 Shades of KILL-ME-NOW. I struggled. I endured. I made it through the first book of the trilogy somehow. I wrote my pseudo review, and then I breathed the fresh air of INTELLIGENCE once again, and moved on with my life.
And then The Man came home, and dropped the f*cking next book in my lap. Someone lent it to us so's I could read it. I couldn't believe it. It's like I'm MEANT to be tortured.
So, I'm struggling my way through the second book. I have to say, it is a bit better than the first book. And by "a bit better" I mean, I can read it for a solid ten minutes at a time before I need to come up for air.
Do you know what these books are like? They're like this:
Candy corn. Frigging candy corn. You think you like it. So, you grab a handful and eat it, and it seems kinda good. Then you eat like, two more and it's
SICKENING. UTTERLY SICKENING. IT'S SO SYRUPY REVOLTING THAT YOU VOW NOT TO EAT ANY MORE OF IT. AGAIN.
Then, a couple of hours later, you think "oo! Candy corn! Yum!" So, you eat, like, three, and then it's
SICKENING. UTTERLY SICKENING. IT'S SO SYRUPY REVOLTING THAT YOU VOW NOT TO EAT ANY MORE OF IT. AGAIN. IN FACT, IT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING EVER. WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN LIKE THIS?!?
I was talking about the book in that last bit.
Okay, I was nice the first time around. I was willing to give everyone who liked the book the benefit of the doubt. After all, blah, blah, blah, it's super popular, so how can I argue with that, and yadda yadda I like the TWILIGHT BOOKS, so I haven't got a leg to stand on, right?
I'm going to say it right here: those books are terrible, and the sex is NOT exciting.
I feel a bit better getting that off my chest.
See, I just came across this article on MSN about "stars" who lurv the book. The more I read, the more I wanted to freak out. I want to grab a megaphone and screech:
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?
So, I've been trying to figure out why. I figured it must be because I'm older. Yeah, that's the ticket. I'm frigging 40 now. I'm a grown ass woman, and I'm mature, and I have mature tastes. Thus, some stupid book with some stupid teenage lust-mance between two stupid characters who are either scowling/glaring/frowning at each other, or mashing their lips together and clacking teeth in some frenzied horniness isn't doing it for me.
I mean, the book's all "who is THAT you were looking at? I'M PISSED OFF THAT YOU WERE LOOKING AT ANOTHER WOMAN," and "did you just flirt with him? I'M PISSED OFF THAT YOU FLIRTED WITH HIM,"
and I'm all "GROW THE F*CK UP ALREADY BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE IT."
Seriously? I should be written into the book. Yes. I'm Aunt karen, and I have to CHAPERON them, and every time they start getting into an argument that will invariably end in an epic email battle with 'SHOUTY CAPITALS', I get to literally knock their stupid heads together, and tell them that if they don't grow the f*ck up, they're
Yeah, that's it--FIFTY SHADES OF GROUNDED.
So yeah, I wondered if the sex is so tedious in the book, because I'm not in my 20's anymore, and let's face it: did we know what the hell we were doing then? Pppft. Of course not.
...It was all
ew, I'm so urgly. I'm fat. Does he think I'm fat? I think I look fat in these pants. Oh my god, do these lace panties make me look fat? This bustier bra probably makes me look fat. I just hope he keeps the lights off because I'm so fat. Ew. I'm 20 and my self esteem is lame. Waaa! I think I'll go cry now because he smiled when he said "thankyou" to that cashier at Wal-mart. He must be in love with her. He's such a jerk. I hate him. He probably likes her because she's not fat. I hate her. Oh no. He's probably going to leave me for her. I want to diiiiiiieeee! I can't wait to get home to write this in my diary and cry.
And what's it like now, my homegirls?
|didn't you read this post?!?|
That's right bitchez: I do the laundry, and I wear a BEIGE BRA that's FUNCTIONAL, and I wear GIANT UNDERPANTS, but I gets the job done, and I'm one sexy muthawhateva, and I don't give a shit about the fancy underwear drawer anymore because I have
See? See what I'm saying? That twit, Anastasia Steele, who is supposed to be so irresistible to Christian Grey? I'm not buying it. And that dude, who's all "Anastasia, if you piss me off, I'm going to spank you" is supposed to be HAWT? If some dude said that to me, I'd say;
"SUCK IT, DUDE," and I'd be out the door.
I can't conclude that I don't like the book because I'm a grownup woman. No. There are scores of women of ALL AGES who love this book. They love it. They think it's so hot. They get horned up from reading it. They jump their men. In fact, it's nearly an epidemic of women jumping their men simply because this book fired up their imaginations better than Mr Skidmarks lying beside them.
And once again, I want so scream WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?
Because you know what? There's SPANKING and then there's spanking. There's the cheesy spanking in the Grey books, with a couple of revolting 'children,' and then there's that spanking part in OUTLANDER with Jamie FREAKING Frasier. And THAT PART my friends, is HAWT.
H * A * W * T
And Jamie Fraser? He never mutters, and he never murmurs. He TAKES what he wants, WHEN HE WANTS IT, and damn it, you want it too because he's a MAN, BY GOD, AND YOU DON'T WANT A BOY ALL SNIFFING AND WHINING BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T ANSWER YOUR PHONE RIGHT AWAY WHEN HE CALLED.
Anyway. You haven't read Outlander. That's why you don't know.
So, there's all kinds of retarded "celebrities" who love the book. Do you know who the worst one of all is?
Basically, what I want is this: I want some hollaback from my homies who feel me on this one.
I know you're out there.