Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Monday, August 20, 2012

ECCCCHHHH - I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!

I can't believe I'm talking about this again.

People.  It's weird.

I had vowed to not read anymore of this 50 Shades of KILL-ME-NOW.  I struggled.  I endured.  I made it through the first book of the trilogy somehow.  I wrote my pseudo review, and then I breathed the fresh air of INTELLIGENCE once again, and moved on with my life.

And then The Man came home, and dropped the f*cking next book in my lap.  Someone lent it to us so's I could read it.  I couldn't believe it.  It's like I'm MEANT to be tortured.

So, I'm struggling my way through the second book.  I have to say, it is a bit better than the first book.  And by "a bit better" I mean, I can read it for a solid ten minutes at a time before I need to come up for air.

Do you know what these books are like?  They're like this:

shudder

Candy corn.  Frigging candy corn.  You think you like it.  So, you grab a handful and eat it, and it seems kinda good.  Then you eat like, two more and it's

SICKENING.  UTTERLY SICKENING.  IT'S SO SYRUPY REVOLTING THAT YOU VOW NOT TO EAT ANY MORE OF IT.  AGAIN.

Then, a couple of hours later, you think "oo!  Candy corn!  Yum!"  So, you eat, like, three, and then it's


SICKENING.  UTTERLY SICKENING.  IT'S SO SYRUPY REVOLTING THAT YOU VOW NOT TO EAT ANY MORE OF IT.  AGAIN.  IN FACT, IT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING EVER.  WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN LIKE THIS?!?

I was talking about the book in that last bit.

Okay, I was nice the first time around. I was willing to give everyone who liked the book the benefit of the doubt.  After all, blah, blah, blah, it's super popular, so how can I argue with that, and yadda yadda I like the TWILIGHT BOOKS, so I haven't got a leg to stand on, right?

WRONG.

I'm going to say it right here:  those books are terrible, and the sex is NOT exciting.

I feel a bit better getting that off my chest.

See, I just came across this article on MSN about "stars" who lurv the book. The more I read, the more I wanted to freak out.  I want to grab a megaphone and screech:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?

Why does everyone think it's so hot?!? WHY DON'T I?!?!?  I LOVE SMUT, GODDAMMIT!   I FRIGGING LOVE IT.  And I hate the sex in this book.

So, I've been trying to figure out why.  I figured it must be because I'm older.  Yeah, that's the ticket.  I'm frigging 40 now. I'm a grown ass woman, and I'm mature, and I have mature tastes.  Thus, some stupid book with some stupid teenage lust-mance between two stupid characters who are either scowling/glaring/frowning at each other, or mashing their lips together and clacking teeth in some frenzied horniness isn't doing it for me.

I mean, the book's all "who is THAT you were looking at?  I'M PISSED OFF THAT YOU WERE LOOKING AT ANOTHER WOMAN," and "did you just flirt with him?  I'M PISSED OFF THAT YOU FLIRTED WITH HIM,"

and I'm all "GROW THE F*CK UP ALREADY BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE IT."

Seriously?  I should be written into the book.  Yes. I'm Aunt karen, and I have to CHAPERON them, and every time they start getting into an argument that will invariably end in an epic email battle with 'SHOUTY CAPITALS', I get to literally knock their stupid heads together, and tell them that if they don't grow the f*ck up, they're


GROUNDED.

Yeah, that's it--FIFTY SHADES OF GROUNDED.

So yeah, I wondered if the sex is so tedious in the book, because I'm not in my 20's anymore, and let's face it:  did we know what the hell we were doing then?  Pppft. Of course not.

...It was all



ew, I'm so urgly.  I'm fat.  Does he think I'm fat?  I think I look fat in these pants.  Oh my god, do these lace panties make me look fat?  This bustier bra probably makes me look fat.  I just hope he keeps the lights off because I'm so fat.  Ew.  I'm 20 and my self esteem is lame.  Waaa!  I think I'll go cry now because he smiled when he said "thankyou" to that cashier at Wal-mart.  He must be in love with her.  He's such a jerk. I hate him.  He probably likes her because she's not fat.  I hate her.  Oh no. He's probably going to leave me for her.  I want to diiiiiiieeee!  I can't wait to get home to write this in my diary and cry.  

And what's it like now, my homegirls?

didn't you read this post?!?

That's right bitchez:  I do the laundry, and I wear a BEIGE BRA that's FUNCTIONAL, and I wear GIANT UNDERPANTS, but I gets the job done, and I'm one sexy muthawhateva, and I don't give a shit about the fancy underwear drawer anymore because I have

MAD SKILLZ.  

See?  See what I'm saying?  That twit, Anastasia Steele, who is supposed to be so irresistible to Christian Grey?  I'm not buying it.  And that dude, who's all "Anastasia, if you piss me off, I'm going to spank you" is supposed to be HAWT?  If some dude said that to me, I'd say;

"SUCK IT, DUDE," and I'd be out the door.

But,

I can't conclude that I don't like the book because I'm a grownup woman.  No.  There are scores of women of ALL AGES who love this book.  They love it.  They think it's so hot.  They get horned up from reading it.  They jump their men. In fact, it's nearly an epidemic of women jumping their men simply because this book fired up their imaginations better than Mr Skidmarks lying beside them.

And once again, I want so scream WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?

Because you know what?  There's SPANKING and then there's spanking.  There's the cheesy spanking in the Grey books, with a couple of revolting 'children,' and then there's that spanking part in OUTLANDER with Jamie FREAKING Frasier.  And THAT PART my friends, is HAWT.

H * A * W * T

And Jamie Fraser?  He never mutters, and he never murmurs.  He TAKES what he wants, WHEN HE WANTS IT, and damn it, you want it too because he's a MAN, BY GOD, AND YOU DON'T WANT A BOY ALL SNIFFING AND WHINING BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T ANSWER YOUR PHONE RIGHT AWAY WHEN HE CALLED.

Anyway.  You haven't read Outlander.  That's why you don't know.

So, there's all kinds of retarded "celebrities" who love the book.  Do you know who the worst one of all is?

Ugh.
Ryan Seacrest.  Ryan Seacrest loves the book.  I lose my ladyboner EVERY TIME I SEE A PICTURE OF him.  I'm sorry if that is harsh.  Life is harsh.  The truth is harsh.  Sometimes I must tell the truth, my dearests, even if it hurts.

Basically, what I want is this:  I want some hollaback from my homies who feel me on this one.

I know you're out there.

Hello?




50 comments:

  1. I am really glad I never learned how to read so I could not be trapped by these books.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Be afraid, Laoch, because they will FIND YOU. Shudder.

      Delete
  2. I haven't read them but now I definitely won't! And Jamie Fraiser? Yummers! He could spank me anytime. But he couldn't fist me. No. Just no.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Leanne, this is why I love you. Because you make me snortlaugh all the time. All the freaking time.

      Delete
  3. mr skidmarks? ladyboner? wow, kar, you're on a role tonight!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah, but I don't think I invented ladyboner, even though my sister says she never heard it before me.

      Delete
  4. Thanks for being honest......I too wonder what is wrong with people?????????? they must have really shallow boring sex lives if they think living vicariously through some teenagism smut is rocking it. There is better out there people.......

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  5. Jesus, the language on this blog!!!! Had I known, I never would have had you as a guest on my Gay blog. As you know, Gays never discuss sex or show it off publicly. How vulgar! But, "ladyboner" did make me chuckle a tad.
    Hey, after reading your critique, I'm very glad that I don't read books.
    m.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. diana gabaldon does another series, you might like "lord John"he has been in love with jamie fraser for years, see even men can not resist jamie.

      Delete
    2. Oh just read them already Mark, so we can hack them together.

      Yes, I tried reading the Lord John books, but found them boring and couldn't continue.

      Delete
  6. Well. YOU are more than 50 shades of bloody hilarious, Karen. Still haven't read it, still not gonna. But you, yes you, now have to complete what you started and read the last book. Is there 3 or 4? Or more? You may lose your ladyboner just contemplating the task, but hey, it's a small price to pay for keeping me entertained! xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Luckily Curtise, there are three. But, people are apparently nearly wanting to kill themselves because it's only a trilogy, so maybe that woman will cough up some more crap for them.

      Delete
  7. I've not read it because I've heard from my trusted fellow book readers that it is 50 shades of crap, so I'll pass and read someone more worthwhile. I also can;t see why everyone love this guy. From what I've heard he's an ass and you would never want your daughter dating him, so why are women getting off on him. CBC review said it is a bad message for young girls who will read and think this is normal and acceptable.

    You are too funny by the way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Chania, you have encouraged me. I'm so happy to hear that your fellow book readers are fawning all over it.

      Thank you. You have shone the light of hope into my world :)

      Also, that is so apt to describe the Grey character as an "ass." I love that!

      Delete
  8. you are right the sex in that book failed in the lady boner category for me too, but the jamie spank was great, maybe because he really did not do it to get all horned up,and he reallly loves claire,in a more mature and hawt way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah Paula! Maybe it was because he was being the TAKE CHARGE MAN.

      Delete
  9. I love that you hate it soo much! and i love that you are blogging about it! That makes me happy.
    I read all 3...hawt?...not so much....i think what kept me going was i was waiting for a HUGE finish? The big mystery solved? I had hard time with the writing part of it...i tried to keep to the story. I tried to picture Mr. Grey differently...
    By book 2, i was actually skipping over the "sex" parts just to keep the story going...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I skip the sex bits now too, Steph, but that being said, I haven't picked up the book again in several days.

      Delete
  10. http://fiftyshadesofdave.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/50-shades-of-grey-chapter-12-50-shades.html#more

    this is written by a very funny man who is trying to the read the books...very funny!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for the link. I'll have to check it out!

      Delete
  11. I read the first book last spring because everyone was reading it, and first of all, it really annoyed me that I had to suffer through 100+ pages of crappy writing to even get to the sex, which I thought was the whole point of those books. And then I did enjoy the sex. The first coupla times. And then it got boring and I was all "whips again?" and by the end I vowed to never read another of those books. And I haven't. I am with you. The writing is horrible, the characters are lame and annoying, the sex is weird and boring.

    Also, I have added the word "ladyboner" to my personal vocabulary and can't wait to use it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you Beth, thank you. The sex IS weird and annoying. I wish I'd worded it that way, because it's perfect.

      Delete
  12. HA! Ladyboner! And the candy corn comparison was spot on!

    I love me some well-written smut, too, so I'm glad I passed on this series. Lousy writing makes mah brain hurtz.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, that's because you is a smart woman, damn it! Also, I'm glad you agree with me about the candy corn. Blech.

      Delete
  13. I had a crush on Ryan Seacrest once. I wanted to become an American and go for singing lessons so that I could go on American Idol and he would see me and hopefully fall in love with me.

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  14. you still slightly make me want to read it so I can join in with your anger. You're hilarious as always, the characters make me want to puke, Ryan Seacrest makes me want to hurt Ryan Seacrest

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish you would Clare, because you'd be so witty in your tearing apart of the book...or maybe you'd LURV IT! ARGH!

      Delete
  15. Replies
    1. seriously dbs! I had to be harsh to convey just how I feel.

      Delete
  16. There are so many good books, and enjoyable books... Just put it down, and back away. And if there's some lighter fluid handy, douse the damn thing and have s'mores.

    Life is to short to keep reading a book you hate.

    Of course, the book I am reading, I just finished a chapter about the problems people encounter shitting in space... no gravity apparently REALLY makes things more difficult... What I am saying is... who am I to judge?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah, but shitting in space is still more cerebral than "Anastasia, if you bite your lip again, I'm going to eff you all over this table." Am I right? AM I RIGHT?

      I don't know what my problem is Leauxra--I must be swept up in dumb sheep fever.

      Delete
  17. FIRST OF ALL! Candy corn is the SHIT. I could eat the stuff all day. And oh, getting excited. Those cream pumpkins are coming out soon! I can hardly stand the anticipation.

    SECONDLY ... I have nothing else to offer.

    love,
    Sister a.k.a. Lady Boner.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's your Elizabethan title, nerdo! Those candy corn pumpkin thingies are gross too. I mean, they're good, but two more and they're gross.

      Delete
  18. I'm not reading not reading it not reading!!
    I'm with you cousin!
    Hate candy corn too yuk.

    ReplyDelete
  19. OMFG, I loved the Outlander series of books. Still do. And you are so right about Jamie. I invision him as super hot. I haven't read 50 Shades. Just not into all the sex in books anymore. Except of course, if I'm reading Outlander, now that makes me hot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, maybe that's my problem Dazee: my AGING LIBIDO, har har.

      Delete
  20. THE ONLY SPANKY BUSINESS I HAVE EVER FOUND EVEN SLIGHTLY HAWT (whoops, sorry for yelling)... was The Secretary. Hmmmmmmm... James Spader before he turned into a puffy toad... Mmmmmmm...

    Thank you for your most excellent review Ms Karen. I was never going to read these books and now I'm never EVER EVER EVER x 1,000,000 going to read these books.

    Sarah xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, James Spader is very un-James Spader now isn't he. Sigh. Remember him looking all evil in Pretty In Pink?

      Delete
  21. What a coinkidink! I keep a picture of Ryan Seacrest next to my bed to help prevent pregnancy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Excellent advice Kristi. He should be on birth control boxes.

      Delete
  22. Ok can I just tell you how much I love that you love candy corn?!? Those things are crack. CRACK. I once ate so many I got sick on them and then WENT BACK for more. What the hell is wrong with me?!?

    And 50 shades---Ewwwww!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think even though they're kind of gross, Lizbeth, that they misfire something vital in the brain.

      Delete
  23. You are so awesome.

    Ryan Seacrest is one annoying little dude.

    I thought about reading the first book just to see what the big freaking deal was about, and decided not to. I have not heard one good thing about it from anyone who's opinion I value.

    And, I would never go back to my 20s, not for all the candy corns in the world.

    ReplyDelete
  24. nor would I, Vesta, you wise woman. Nor would I.

    ReplyDelete
  25. UNFORTUNATELY, I am reading the 3rd book. My excuse was that the trilogy was all that I brought with me on the cruise - so I was trapped. I found each book progressively worse.
    I now skim over the "sexy bits" - BORING. Really??!! 4 times a day to mutual satisfaction every day for months??!! Sure - wait until you are married for 16 years with 2 kids. I cringed when she described his long index finger repeatedly like it was sexy (freaky was more like it). Ummmm and controlling stalker behaviour is not a trait most women enjoy or is healthy. AND - she was able to "change him" in just a month or so (maybe it is just me, but I haven't had much luck changing my husband to be more romantic and it has been 16 years!!). And his therapist gave her advice to keep doing what she is doing because it is more effective than his therapy - sure....
    I haven't enjoyed the books, but invested this much time - I must finish the last one (even though the story gets more ridiculous - if that is possible). And the writing is terrible...sigh. Maybe I can return them to Costco??!!
    The best part of reading them was picturing your "biting your lip" picture every time he told her to stop - LOL

    ReplyDelete

  26. I just simply cannot understand the ridiculous frenzy these books have caused. Have these women never heard of erotica before?! I've been reading erotica for years. It's fantastic. I'm especially enjoying the #SummerOfSmut with @SmutBookClub on Twitter. That's not a plug for them, I'm just have a freaking great time with @alotofnothing and @alice_clayton. BTW, Alice's books (the Redhead series) are hilarious and raunchy. And Jennifer Probst's are sweet and sexy.

    Back to the 50 shades of s*it. I can't read them. I thought I'd been talked into it, but I just can't see myself spending money on a book, much less a trilogy of books, in which the main female character is a woman who is so stupid as to think that a man who's into BDSM because he was warped in his youth is a good thing.

    Oh, and I've heard that the BDSM he's into isn't even slightly realistic. It's what a middle-aged woman who is too lazy to research it properly would imagine it to be.

    I just want to throw up that this badly written, unrealistic drivel is getting so much attention when there is genuinely brilliant erotica out there.


    And I love me some candy corn. But, you're right. You can only eat a couple of pieces before it starts being ass-nasty.

    ReplyDelete
  27. thank you Jenbug! You summed it up perfectly. And thanks for the book recommendations. I will have to write those down! And, if I ever remember, I'll check out the twit link you mentioned.

    I don't know why brilliant books stay in the background and shit floats to the top.

    ReplyDelete

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