People, my wedding anniversary with The Man is coming up in a few weeks. It'll be a nice, impressive number, but just remember that I've actually been dating The Man since I was 20.
This means that there's very little mystery left between us, save for pooping in front of each other which just will not happen. It just won't. I'm sorry. So okay, there is still a soupçon of mystique! Hooray!
I mean, there's still some romance, and lots of affection despite that one unfortunate flying karate fart leap incident on my part, followed by that really crazy laughing that is one degree away from grimacing and crying. In my defense, I'm the exact opposite of SEXY when I have the PMS anyway, so no real, lasting harm was done.
What was I talking about?
Oh yes...my approaching anniversary. So, that's coming up. Because it's a biggish one, we're trying to think of something to do. Something that doesn't suck. We can't afford to go anywhere really awesome, and we can't stay away for more than 2 nights or the kids will be HORRIFIED. We need some little "romantic" excursion. I can't figure out what that could be.
The Man suggested we go to Stratford. It's a lovely (pretentious) little town that is famous for its Festival Theatre. The Man and I went to Stratford a couple of times back when we were University lovey doveys, who still lived at home and had tons of disposable income. It was a fun time for the most part. Plays. They show plays there. Most of them are Shakespearean ones.
Yeah, I've sat through some Shakespeare. I took a Shakespeare course in Uni. I think I had to. Why didn't I just stick a pen in my eye and end the misery? THAT'S RIGHT, I'M GONNA SAY IT: I might be the only English lit major who finds Shakespeare to be jaw-crackingly boring.
No. Don't try to convince me that Shakespeare is AWESOME because it's TIMELESS. Yeah? If it's so TIMELESS, why the hell are they 400 footnotes per act explaining what the f*ck is going on?
And another thing. WHEREFORE ART THOU ROMEO, does not mean WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, LOVERBOY? It means, WHY are you born into the family that I'm not allowed to date?! See?! IT'S STUPID.
So, The Man said all's I had to do was look at the playbill and pick something. I looked down the list and found 98% of it looked super bitey to me. I guess maybe Pirates of Penzance might be okay. I mean, Henry V would make me weep with boredom, but Pirates--even singing pirates--might be tolerable.
Then I saw that the only seats that aren't shitty cost over a hundred bucks a pop. JAYSUS. I am a cheapskate. I was disgusted.
Recently The Man asked if I'd like it if he took the fam to the ROM one day for the last weekend before school.
I said; " THE ROM? A.K.A, THE MOST BORING PLACE ON EARTH?!?"
Oh my god. A museum. A freaking museum, with super boring mock-ups of some past nobody's ever seen, a few dusty dinosaurs suspended by wires hanging from the ceiling, a room full of moth-eaten taxidermy...oh my god. I can't even tell you how freaking bored I was when I went there in my adulthood.
Also, I told The Man. It's in TORONTO. I HATE Toronto. Yech, to Toronto.
O-keee. He walked away slightly defeated.
A couple of days later, The Man finds me upstairs taking the straightener to my haystack. "How about we go see Cirque Du Soleil!" he asks excitedly.
"OH GOD I HATE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL! I can't think of anything more tedious or just plain super frooty weird."
I think I actually pissed him off a little with that.
So then I started thinking; what DO I like anyway? What do I like? Surely I like stuff? Surely I have SOME interests? OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL DO I LIKE?!?
Whenever I go shopping? I always see tons of stuff I know other people would like. If I go shopping at the thrift store, I find all kinds of stuff my sister would like. I could totally be a personal shopper. I'd be good at it. I have a very hard time finding things I like though. I almost never find anything I like.
Coffee? I can never get a coffee at just any old place. I'm a snob! I almost never like the coffee! I have to make it my damn self, or get it from McDick's because I'm so picky.
But seriously--by this point I was almost starting to get panicky. What the hell am I going to do for my anniversary? I don't want to go to some overpriced cabin in cottage country, with plaid f*cking curtains on the windows, and the smell of mildew. I don't want to go camping. Spas are overpriced and I don't actually want some weirdo touching me.
And staying at some "quaint" BED & BREAKFAST (blurgh) in a sleepy little town with NOTHING going on? That sounds so boring. So incredibly yawny-yawn. I don't think I could take it.
WHAT DO I LIKE?!?
So I thought very very hard. I tried to dig up some interests I have. Pppft...I'm a stay-at-home-mom. I have no freaking interests. THEY'VE BEEN ERASED. Oh yes I do: silence, and solitude. Oh but wait! I know! I know what I like!
FESTIVALS, AND BEER TENTS.
Yes! I love festivals with tables of crap you can buy to look at. And mon dieu, I LURV a beer tent. Oh put me in a beer tent where some happy a$$hole is playing the fiddle and I'm slightly drunk? Yeah, you've got yourself a winner.
Oh! OH! I also like really old historic houses--you know; the rooms are cordoned off with a velvet rope so you can't touch the really old furniture on the other side? And maybe there's some woman dressed in some hokey kitchen-servant garb making a real pie downstairs in the kitchen with the wood burning stove? YEAH! I LOVE THAT!
YEAH! YEAH! I never used to love that! I thought it sucked nuts! I love that now though!
Oh! I also love having an event worthy of new shoes!
AND TROPICAL PLACES! PLACES WHERE THEY SPEAK SPANISH, YO!! See? I like to go places. I just don't have the two thousand bones required to get anywhere GOOD these days. And GOOD does not really include Anywhereville Ontario, where OH LOOK, IT'S ANOTHER FARM. AND OH LOOK, THERE'S ANOTHER BOG WITH TREE STUMPS IN IT. I'm a jerk. Whatever.
So, I felt bad, and told The Man maybe I was too hasty about Cirque Du Soleil. THEN he told me that there's this VIP thing that we could partake of. If you fork out 300 bucks per person, you get to be in some fancy shmancy room before the show and during intermission, and you get "delectable" foods and wines, your parking paid for, and some other junk.
FANCY FOOD AND WINE...
NOW I'm intrigued.
Listen people: I'm going to tell you a little something I learned a long time ago. Let's keep it between us shall we? Okay, BOOZE makes ALMOST ANYTHING awesome.
There. Remember that, for in life it will help you make it through some very boring times.
But THREE HUNDRED BUCKS. Phew. That's a lot of money for an extravagant night. And that doesn't even include a hotel room. No. I think I'm too cheap for that. It will probably be Pirates Of Penzance, in the cheap, shitty seats. Oh, it's not all bad. I intend to buy some really, really good shoes.
I don't know. What the hell am I going to do for my anniversary?