Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Saturday, September 1, 2012

What The Hell DO I Like?!?

People, my wedding anniversary with The Man is coming up in a few weeks.  It'll be a nice, impressive number, but just remember that I've actually been dating The Man since I was 20.

This means that there's very little mystery left between us, save for pooping in front of each other which just will not happen. It just won't.  I'm sorry.  So okay, there is still a soupçon of mystique!  Hooray!

I mean, there's still some romance, and lots of affection despite that one unfortunate flying karate fart leap incident on my part, followed by that really crazy laughing that is one degree away from grimacing and crying.  In my defense, I'm the exact opposite of SEXY when I have the PMS anyway, so no real, lasting harm was done.

What was I talking about?

Oh yes...my approaching anniversary.  So, that's coming up. Because it's a biggish one, we're trying to think of something to do.  Something that doesn't suck.  We can't afford to go anywhere really awesome, and we can't stay away for more than 2 nights or the kids will be HORRIFIED.  We need some little "romantic" excursion.  I can't figure out what that could be.

The Man suggested we go to Stratford. It's a lovely (pretentious) little town that is famous for its Festival Theatre.  The Man and I went to Stratford a couple of times back when we were University lovey doveys, who still lived at home and had tons of disposable income.  It was a fun time for the most part. Plays.  They show plays there.  Most of them are Shakespearean ones.

*YAWN*

Yeah, I've sat through some Shakespeare. I took a Shakespeare course in Uni.  I think I had to.  Why didn't I just stick a pen in my eye and end the misery?  THAT'S RIGHT, I'M GONNA SAY IT:  I might be the only English lit major who finds Shakespeare to be jaw-crackingly boring.

No.  Don't try to convince me that Shakespeare is AWESOME because it's TIMELESS.  Yeah?  If it's so TIMELESS, why the hell are they 400 footnotes per act explaining what the f*ck is going on?

And another thing.  WHEREFORE ART THOU ROMEO, does not mean WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, LOVERBOY?  It means, WHY are you born into the family that I'm not allowed to date?!  See?!  IT'S STUPID.

So, The Man said all's I had to do was look at the playbill and pick something.  I looked down the list and found 98% of it looked super bitey to me.  I guess maybe Pirates of Penzance might be okay.  I mean, Henry V would make me weep with boredom, but Pirates--even singing pirates--might be tolerable.

Then I saw that the only seats that aren't shitty cost over a hundred bucks a pop.  JAYSUS.  I am a cheapskate. I was disgusted.

Recently The Man asked if I'd like it if he took the fam to the ROM one day for the last weekend before school.

I said; " THE ROM?  A.K.A, THE MOST BORING PLACE ON EARTH?!?"

Oh my god.  A museum.  A freaking museum, with super boring mock-ups of some past nobody's ever seen, a few dusty dinosaurs suspended by wires hanging from the ceiling, a room full of moth-eaten taxidermy...oh my god. I can't even tell you how freaking bored I was when I went there in my adulthood.

Also, I told The Man.  It's in TORONTO.  I HATE Toronto.  Yech, to Toronto.

O-keee.  He walked away slightly defeated.

A couple of days later, The Man finds me upstairs taking the straightener to my haystack.  "How about we go see Cirque Du Soleil!" he asks excitedly.

"OH GOD I HATE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL!  I can't think of anything more tedious or just plain super frooty weird."

I think I actually pissed him off a little with that.

So then I started thinking; what DO I like anyway?  What do I like?  Surely I like stuff?  Surely I have SOME interests?  OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL DO I LIKE?!?

Whenever I go shopping?  I always see tons of stuff I know other people would like.  If I go shopping at the thrift store, I find all kinds of stuff my sister would like.  I could totally be a personal shopper. I'd be good at it.  I have a very hard time finding things I like though.  I almost never find anything I like.

Coffee?  I can never get a coffee at just any old place. I'm a snob!  I almost never like the coffee!  I have to make it my damn self, or get it from McDick's because I'm so picky.

But seriously--by this point I was almost starting to get panicky.  What the hell am I going to do for my anniversary?  I don't want to go to some overpriced cabin in cottage country, with plaid f*cking curtains on the windows, and the smell of mildew.  I don't want to go camping.  Spas are overpriced and I don't actually want some weirdo touching me.

And staying at some "quaint" BED & BREAKFAST (blurgh)  in a sleepy little town with NOTHING going on?  That sounds so boring.  So incredibly yawny-yawn.  I don't think I could take it.

WHAT DO I LIKE?!?

So I thought very very hard. I tried to dig up some interests I have.  Pppft...I'm a stay-at-home-mom. I have no freaking interests.  THEY'VE BEEN ERASED.  Oh yes I do:  silence, and solitude.  Oh but wait!  I know! I know what I like!

FESTIVALS, AND BEER TENTS.

Yes!  I love festivals with tables of crap you can buy to look at.  And mon dieu, I LURV a beer tent.  Oh put me in a beer tent where some happy a$$hole is playing the fiddle and I'm slightly drunk?  Yeah, you've got yourself a winner.

Oh!  OH!  I also like really old historic houses--you know; the rooms are cordoned off with a velvet rope so you can't touch the really old furniture on the other side?  And maybe there's some woman dressed in some hokey kitchen-servant garb making a real pie downstairs in the kitchen with the wood burning stove?  YEAH! I LOVE THAT!

YEAH! YEAH! I never used to love that! I thought it sucked nuts!  I love that now though!

Oh! I also love having an event worthy of new shoes!

AND TROPICAL PLACES! PLACES WHERE THEY SPEAK SPANISH, YO!!  See?  I like to go places. I just don't have the two thousand bones required to get anywhere GOOD these days.  And GOOD does not really include Anywhereville Ontario, where OH LOOK, IT'S ANOTHER FARM.  AND OH LOOK, THERE'S ANOTHER BOG WITH TREE STUMPS IN IT.  I'm a jerk.  Whatever.

So, I felt bad, and told The Man maybe I was too hasty about Cirque Du Soleil. THEN he told me that there's this VIP thing that we could partake of.  If you fork out 300 bucks per person, you get to be in some fancy shmancy room before the show and during intermission, and you get "delectable" foods and wines, your parking paid for, and some other junk.

FANCY FOOD AND WINE...

Whoa...

NOW I'm intrigued.

Listen people: I'm going to tell you a little something I learned a long time ago.  Let's keep it between us shall we?  Okay, BOOZE makes ALMOST ANYTHING awesome.

There.  Remember that, for in life it will help you make it through some very boring times.

But THREE HUNDRED BUCKS.  Phew.  That's a lot of money for an extravagant night.  And that doesn't even include a hotel room.  No. I think I'm too cheap for that.  It will probably be Pirates Of Penzance, in the cheap, shitty seats.  Oh, it's not all bad. I intend to buy some really, really good shoes.

I don't know.  What the hell am I going to do for my anniversary?


37 comments:

  1. we always have the "so what do you want to do for the anniversary/birthday/holiday-of-obligation this year?" and we never come up with anything. we're always too poor. we sometimes get dinner at a typical chain restaurant that we can agree on. and once in a while there's enough cheese for us to take in a grown up movie too.
    i would jump all over some tickets for the cirque! what's up with you woman? be glad he's taking you somewhere and letting you get some foxy shoes to wear. drink up, me lusty wench and enjoy your show, whichever one it is.

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    1. Sherilinnie, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I've been a super picky jerk since birth with the "I'm never satisfied" gene. Total pain.

      We'll figure something out, damn it! I think the day is too much like New Year's Eve--too much pressure to do something AMAZING.

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  2. I have to say the Cirque does sound like the best idea. AH yeah you are kind of picky, but you will do a beer tent, you kill me. Putting so much pressure on a specific day. Why not celebrate it doing something you love when it happens. Dinner and a movie there you go cheapo. Our anniversary is on Valentine's Day and that makes it even harder, so we do not really do much special on that day but appreciate each day that we do things for each other, yeah sounds like a cop out. Have fun no matter what it happens to be.

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    1. Thanks Alaina! I do recall now that your anniversary is on the KING OF ALL ROMANTIC DAYS! There, half the work is done for you (hee hee, I kid).

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  3. In the end the best things to do are often the simplest. If it were me, I would go sailing ...

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    1. That would be fun. Maybe there's a booze barge around somewhere!

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  4. Honestly, Pirates of Penzance is quite a funny show. I should know, I was IN it once. (I played one of the policemen..lol) Yeah, sadly I STILL know all the words to every song.
    And I went to a Cirque Du Soleil show a few years ago and I absolutely loved it. But then ...I love that kind of stuff. They are in Australia at the moment... so want to go, but they are too expensive for us (sob).
    Hey if you like beer I was thinking, do you guys celebrate Octoberfest over there? It's like a German celebration where basically you drink loads and loads of beer, and do loads and loads of Germanisk dancing. It's really fun. Maybe it's just an Aussie thing.. lol.

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    1. Oh Sprite, Oktoberfest is WONDERFUL! We went to Oktoberfest in our 20's with another couple and had a wonderful time, and HORRIBLE heart burn.

      We're leaning towards Pirates of Penzance. I'll keep my eye out for the policeman!

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  5. I will let you in to a little secret, Karen... I am an English Lit graduate who can't be doing with Shakespeare either! There, I said it. The Literati Gods may strike me down, but it's how I feel - the Bard is too damn hard for me!
    So on to the real issue in hand, your gazillionth anniversary. If it's supposed to be such a big big deal, probably whatever you choose will feel a let down. And then there are the post-good time blues we talked about... So what about keeping it really simple? Beer, you like beer, so drink beer. Food? Yep, you like that, so have a meal. If you can get a night or two away, fine, but don't spend a fortune and then regret it. Do you actually like Gilbert and Sullivan? No? Don't go then. Is there a city/town you could stay in that has a folky club where you could drink some beer and listen to some live music?
    Do you know what I did for the 2 days the kids were away? After a boozy lunch out, I came home and went to SLEEP! It was fabulous! The next day, I had a long bath, no interruptions, and another SLEEP! Bliss!
    Let us know what you choose. And yes, booze will make whatever it is bearable. But not Shakespeare. xxxxxx

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    1. yeah, I should have clarified in my post: it's not the BEER that's important, it's DRINKING IN THE AFTERNOON. Har! What a terrible attitude.

      Your 2 day mini vacation sounds wonderful. I also love sleep. I will keep you posted on what we decide.

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  6. Chuckling...
    Hope you find something you like :)
    beer sleep shoes and food. Have a nice time.

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  7. We celebrated our 23rd anniversary in June and decided to go hang gliding! It's not something I would have ever thought of before, but it popped into our heads and we decided to go for it. It was phenomenal, a ton of fun and I'd do it again in a heartbeat! Hope you find something you'll enjoy for your anniversary. :-)

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    1. Oh my god, Anke. My husband would LOVE THAT, and I think I'd....soil myself. Good for you for being adventurous!!!!

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  8. How about looking for festivals at least 100 miles from your house? It's Summer's end/Fall's beginning soon, so I am sure all these little towns will try to get one last kick out of activities. You could also see if there are any wineries within range that offer those couples' classes with wine tasting and such.

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    1. Tanner, I did that, and did actually find ONE. It's during a funny time in September just before the fall fairs really get rolling. We live near the wine route, actually.

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  9. I have an idea! How's about for you anniversary YOUR man takes YOUR sister to Cirque Du Soleil! yeah... that is a right on idea.

    hehe

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  10. It's odd how similar this is to my wife and I.

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  11. Oof. Shit, we're the same way. Cheap and bored! Couple of years ago we went for supper and had to be home early so we parked down at the lake by our house and made out like teenagers for awhile. I wish I could say it wasn't boring. Maybe if we'd made out with different people? I KID! I JOKE! (Seriously, just go make out by a lake. The danger of someone seeing your flabby bits makes it interesting. And take booze.)

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    1. Leanne, I actually laughed at your comment for three days. You can still find me chuckling softly to myself every now and again, and muttering; "I wish I could say it wasn't boring." You, madam, are a scream.

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  12. Shakespeare is hard work. Cirque Du Soleil ROCKS! Listen to Curtise: she's very smart and she also has a husband and a million kids. Don't listen to me: I know NOTHING. Though I do really like Lindt dark chocolate with sea salt.

    Happy anniversary!

    Sarah xxx

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    1. a million kids!!! LOL, SARAH. You know plenty, woman. Plus, you live in Australia, which is awesome. Aside from all the poisonous creatures--awesome.

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  13. Happy Anniversary hope you find something to do that doesn't have you pulling your hair out for entertainment

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    1. thank you Becca. I've almost settled on something! Hooray!

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  14. I would only ever do Cirque du Soleil again stoned. Secondly, I don't care for Shakespeare either. A play a week for ten weeks almost froze me out. And been to the festival. Isolated lines, yes, but I think his popularity is an accident, and it's the Emperor's New Clothes. Also, how to make him and all those other old white guys nonsexist?
    "What a piece of work is woman, how noble in reason." How would they like that? It's humankind, which includes us.

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    1. Oh Jeanne, you are wonderful. I knew you'd understand me! Hooray! MAYBE I SHOULD BE STONED TOO! I wish that could happen this afternoon.

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  15. Well... I'd buy the Beer 1st and get enough of a buzz that anything after that might actually seem hysterical and fun... even if it really isn't.... because the alcohol will take the edge off and give you a skewed perspective of your reality... which is sometimes way better IMO. *Winks* I've found that after a nice glass of Wine or a Corona, not very much bothers me anymore and I can Roll with whatever mundane stuff might be intolerable otherwise suck. Yeah, Bora Bora would be better... but I adapt and improvise. Happy Gazillionth Anniversary!

    Dawn... The Bohemian

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    1. Dawn, this is why you are awesome, because once I'm on the DRINKY TRAIN, nothing much bothers me either! It's not the beer I love specifically, it's the indulgent imbibing.

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  16. Getting all gussied up and drinking wine sounds like fun, but yes, $300 is a lot of dough.

    If you do the pirate show, perhaps you and your man can wear matching eye patches?? Whatever you do, enjoy it!!

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    1. Oh Vesta, matching eye patches! How fun! That would be so crazy. Yeah, I'm leaning away from $600 for one evening. Gee, I don't know why...

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  17. Do not blow 300 bucks at the Cirque..........I like the Cirque du Soleil, but I would not like it at that price. - YOu are in Ontario for pete's sake there must be some festival beer tents....somewhere! anniversaries and such are so over-rated.....gee, we just had our 25th, and I don't even remember what I did???? Actually I don't remember what I did for any of them except my 10th. Mostly because we have pictures. Yeah. I don't even drink much, so I cannot blame it on that. Just get rid of the kids, to gramma's and hang out,if you make it a big big deal, like someone said it will end up disappointing. Pirates of Penzance sounds good.....especially after a beer tent!

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    1. Melissa, it will be our 10th! Lol! Wedding anniversary that is. Whatever. You are completely right. I'm not spending 600 bones on Cirque. It'll be drunken pirates night!

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  18. I got your solution! It has your likes, is cheap and your kids will have you nearby!

    Pitch a tent in the back yard and rent a keg. Problem solved! I'm just saying. :-)

    Happy Anniversary!

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    1. KEG OF WINE? KEG OF WHISKY AND COKE?!? Now we're talking!

      What wonderful advice you have just offered up. Will it make me a dirt bag? Who cares!

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  19. yeah cirque sucks. But I love some of that other stuff - but you know as long as there's somewhere good to eat and loads of tat to buy. I only got into Henry V cos the TV adaptation was good and Harry himself was hawt. I love Willy Shake but studying it hell, very off putting. You're just so hilarious x

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