Sometimes life kicks you right in the poodle.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

A Small Story About A Breast Part Two: MAMMOGRAM!

Well, you remember last time, right?


So, I'd been for my ultrasound, but the doc had wanted me to go for a mammogram too.  It was scheduled for November 1.  I was nervous, because I hadn't heard any good stories!

Then, last Friday I got a phone call that they needed to re-schedule my appointment.  After playing phone tag, I finally got in touch with the women's clinic on Monday.



"We have an opening today at 2:50."






Holy crap.  Immediate diarrhea tummy ache.

But, I am a GROWN WOMAN, so off I went.  I registered, and walked nervously down the hall of the hospital to find the women's clinic.  I walked past the little donut/coffee shop where I bought coffees during that awful time my Mom was in the hospital.  I made sure to avert my eyes.  Bad memories.





I checked in at the desk, waited for just a few moments, and then was called in to get changed into your basic hospital gown.  In the changeroom, there were different plastic purses to put all your stuff in.

I had a dilemma about which purse to choose.  I like pink, but isn't that too frou-frou?  No. I'm not choosing pink.  That's the BREAST CANCER COLOUR, damn it.  How about blue?  Too gloomy?  What if the colour of purse I choose, decides the OUTCOME of this mammogram?!?  GAH!  CHOOSE GREEN!

Stupid.

Also, why do the purses all have animal print tape on the top?  It seems ludicrous--like it's someone's good natured, but misguided attempt to add a touch of feminine luxury or something.






Sitting there in the waiting room with my hospital robe on, I soooo wished I'd forced my sister to come with me.  I hope my Mom is somehow here in spirit.


Time for the mammo!


Yeah, like I was going to draw a mammography machine.  First, they do an up-down squasheroo





Then an angled squash-o-rama!  I liked the part where the technician lady had to pull my fat armpit out of the plates before she continued compressing at one point.




Hey!  That wasn't so bad at all!  I felt a little man-handled afterward, but it wasn't painful--just mildly uncomfortable and WEIRD.  After my boobs were released though, THEN they kinda hurt a little bit.  But it was that ITCHY kind of hurt, you know?  The kind where you want to give your boobies a good scrubby scratch to make them feel better?




Anyway, while I waited for the lady to put my sexy hooter photies into her machine or whatever she does, I couldn't stop staring at the stupid sign of the mammo machine.  It read "Hologic."  I hate words I don't immediately know how to pronounce.  Is it like "hollogic"  like "hologram?"



OR, is it like HO-logic, as in, the logic of HO'S?  Like, these are machines crafted by really sexy scientist women in fish-net stockings and killer heels!!



And then, of course, I get a song in my head almost immediately...







sung to the tune of "Volare."

Hooooo-logic!  Whoa-oh!
Hooooo-logic! Whoa-oh-oh-oh!
Hologic is always the best!
The first choice for SQUASHING your breast!



And then I imagine it's like a movie, and the room fills with all my poor, scared sistren and we SHED OUR ROBES AND OUR FEAR AND OUR SHAME, AND WE BREAK OUT INTO A REALLY SNAZZY SINGING/DANCING NUMBER! HOORAY!






But, that didn't happen.  Obvs.





I had to wait a few minutes to see that the pics had worked and stuff, and then I was set free.




There was a cute woman around my age in the waiting room looking like she felt all total yuck.  I wanted to hug her, or say; "hey girlfriend, it's okay," or something, but I just smiled at her, slipped into the change stall, got dressed, and left.

But if I could, I'd have said to her, and you, and you and you:

Stay strong, girlfriends.  Stay strong.  




Volare by Bobby Rydell on Grooveshark

28 comments:

  1. When do you get the results? I hope all is well. As usual, you make something not-so-fun sound hilarious through your writing and especially your art - you have a gift, Karen!
    And I think that's me among the Singing Sistren, the one with the red hair, the big tits and wearing baggy pink Granny knickers. That seems about right - have you been peeking? xxxx

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    1. oh, i see you claimed the red head already. dang it. i guess i'll have to be the lady in the back, right side with her hoots swinging out to the sides.

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    2. Yes Curtise! You can be the one with the voluptuous tits, and Sherilinnie, you can too.

      I'm glad you have been enjoying my crude Drawings Curtise! Thank you!

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  2. I hope the results come back soon and clear. Keep us posted. Loved the story/photos.

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    1. Thanks Tanner! I definitely will be back with results. Shudder.

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  3. can i be the curly red head in the pink polka dot panties in your singing/dancing number? i promise to dance big and really bring the routine to a new place of awesomeness.
    oh great, now i'm hearing my own twisted song in my head. you know the song that says, "shake shake shake. shake shake shake. shake your booty"? we need to replace booty with boobies and we can all throw our hands over our head and toss our heads back and give the girls a monstrous shake. it'll be great fun!

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    1. Sherilin, you don't know how hilarious it is that you mention that KC & The Sunshine band song because that is EXACTLY what I thought they were singing when I was a kid, and I thought it was shockingly scandalous. I could NOT believe it.

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  4. Oh, I hated the angled one. The corner of the squisher dug into my armpit. Plus, it was so high I had to stand on my tip-toes the whole time. I have too much fibrous tissue so it hurt bad. I'm glad it wasn't so bad for you.

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    1. OH RUTH! I'm not the only one whose pit got stuck in the thing! Well, you didn't exactly say your pit got stuck. Yeah, it was the angled one! Why the hell didn't they lower it for you so you were comfortable? That just means your technician was a bit of a dick. Yeah, my sis and I were wondering if fibrous tissue made it more painful! It makes sense.

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  5. Am I the blonde with the teeny weenies? hehehe. Love the pictures Karen. You should make it your new THING. Arting everything.

    All is well with the lady hoots. I'm sure of THAT. :)

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    1. the teeny weenies way high up on her chest! Well, I didn't draw you specifically Nerdo, that would make me slightly creepy? Maybe?

      I hope so. I felt good after the ultrasound, but now I have to feel a little bit not good all over again :(

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  6. I'm sorry I thought you had had a mammogram already or I would have told you I don't think the test is as worse as we all thought. I had my first this year and I am glad I bit the bullet and got it done. Love the diagrams, we should all wear polka dotted undies. I hope your tests come out negative, good luck.

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    1. I was supposed to, Alaina, but my doctor's office forgot to schedule one. So, I just had the ultrasound. Much better...no wait, that kind of sucks too. We SHOULD all wear polka dotted undies.

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  7. Fingers crossed it's all ok, the boob twisting makes me feel queasy but it's all better than cancer. xxxxx

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    1. thanks Clare! Yeah, I'll take the boob twist over cancer any day!!

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  8. Hee! I love your illustrations. Glad to hear it wasn't too terrible!

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  9. god, your pictures cracked me up to the point of no return. I've had one mammo and haven't got another. I don't know, it's just weird having that lady all like playing with your breasts. I can't even imagine doing her job all day.

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    1. Yeah, I'm glad you liked my pictures because I wasted a lot of time I could have been washing people's clothes to make them ;)

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  10. Oh I would totally have gone with you and sung and danced! I'm so glad it wasn't as bad as you thought it might be... and I'm glad you are so funny and awesome and I can't wait to see the post when you get your test results back and they award you the Best Breasts in Canada Award! BIG HUGS! Sarah xxx

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    1. I would totally pin that ribbon to my tits, Sarah. Best Breasts In Canada! Hooray!

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  11. I know, sorry, I draw the line in the boobie sand at PINK. They kept calling my partner back in, said thought it cancer-looking must bi-op right away, I said, NO, get 2nd opinion, 2nd said, that guy was a jerk, when that clinic heard she got 2nd opinion, strangely they morphed into aliens, telling her, "let's look at again in 6 months"--she was ready to have them both removed. a year later clinic tells her it has SHRUNK. PAH--LEEZZZZ,, so, watch out, get 2nd opinion if they try and race you to biopsy. PINK? Never.

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    1. Hi Diane! I'm so glad you feel me on the PINK thing. That's a frightening story for your partner now. Poor thing. How is she doing now? Okay, I hope!

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  12. Karen, this was a great post in that you showed courage to go through this procedure and set a great example of facing reality when it is necessary. And I LOVE the use of the art work!
    I have to go through a similar scary procedure this month with a colonoscopy. I will be using you as my 'model' to get through this.

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    1. Jim, I know someone who JUST had a colonoscopy within the past two weeks and he/she has assured me that aside from a solid two days of eating broth and jello, the procedure was super easy. I can't can't get past the two days of broth myself...and that other stuff. You know what I'm talking about. Good luck with that! I'll be thinking of you.

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    2. Thanks Karen, that was good to hear. I am going to be starving!!! Will have to 'pack a lunch'!

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  13. Aw man, I'm not the biggest fan of the mammo - however, it really isn't that bad. Except that one time when the technician's breath smelled like she ate a shit sandwich for breakfast. Cause, you know, she's all up close in your mug and all. Other than that, not that big of a deal. I've been several times because of cysts. I'm starting to feel like a regular. And the boy who cried wolf. One of these days I am sure I am going to IGNORE a lump because it always turns out to be nothing - then of course it'll be something, and I'll be sitting around thinking I'm all good while I really have one foot in the grave. The last mammo was related to a few spots in my armpit -- now THAT was uncomfy. They really had to yank on my naked boob to get my armpit in the right spot on the machine. The combination of yanking and shitty breath actually almost made me pass out - a dizzy spell turned the whole thing into quite an adventure, with doctors and nurses all hustling in to make sure I wasn't going to drop like a naked sack of potatoes... Super uncomfortable. Apparently all good though! Gotta say, I love your pics -- they are so funny/cute/awesome.

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    1. Thanks Jessica, and thanks for sharing your bad-breath filled story! I appreciate it. It's comforting to know that getting called back can be scary but doesn't mean IT'S OVER, YOU'RE DYING! They're putting me through the emotional wringer right now, and I'm not good at emotional wringers.

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