Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Celery Sucks So Hard

Last month, I had the PMS right in time for my anniversary.  I bloat like a champion, usually, unless I'm super careful about what I eat (ie; NO DORITOS).

This is bad because I get:
a) an enormous, luxurious double chin
b) jowls.  Good ones. 
c) a stomach that looks like I'm totally pregnant.

Why is it so completely horrifying to look like I'm pregnant?  Who knows.  Maybe I've never gotten over the trauma of that time, years ago, when The Man's former boss asked me if I was "expecting another little buddy for Jack."  

But whatever.  

Anyhoo, I was trying so hard to look hawt for my anniversary in a SUCK IT, FORTY YEAR OLD KAREN, kind of way.  I scribbled out my suffering that week.  I want to share it with you now.  

See, it's good to scribble your thoughts down to share them at a later date, especially when your sister is nagging you that you haven't blogged in SOOOOOOO LONG, and what's the DEAL with that?!?  And it's good when you nearly choked on your own post-Thanksgiving stomach acid during the night, and now you feel like a dishrag, washed up on shore with nobody there to love and nurture you, and the Thanksgiving food was so, so good, and that tropical liqueur was yummo, and then it all went bad somewhere deep in your guts, and your bedroom smelled bad.  Very, very bad.  

But whatever.  


karen's Celery Rant


You know, I read somewhere online that if you're prone to PMS SUPER BLOAT, you should start eating celery often, a week or two before your period, since it has a natural diuretic effect.  

Celery.  Freaking celery.  

karen:  NOTHING is worse than celery!  What's worse than CELERY?!?

karen's brain:  BROCCOLI.  Broccoli is worse than celery.

horrible, heinous, TORTUROUS, cruciferous HELL

karen:  Well done, brain!  How on Earth could I have forgotten broccoli?

So anyway, my anniversary is coming up fast.  I have a really cute new dress and some majorly slutty new shoes.  I got the new shoes a) on clearance and b) with an extra SCROUNGED 10% off for a small defect on the clasp with I FIXED when I got home!  

BOOYAH! WHO IS AWESOME???  SUCK IT, NINE WEST!  JUST CALL ME THE NIGGLER...

Oh wait--don't suck it, Nine West.  Your shoes are so yummy I want to suck on them.

But back to celery.  


See, I am a week and a half, in case you care to know, from my LADY TSUNAMI.  This is right about the time I should start to turn into the human water tower.  So much bloat that my widdle abdominal hernia allows me to look a good five months along.  


This is a NO-NO.

So, I'm actually eating celery.  EW @ CELERY, HASHTAG "SNACKFOOD OF SATAN."

*If you're not on Twitter, that joke was useless, obvs.  


I was standing in my kitchen, crunching celery.  The first stalk was edible.  But what that means is that it made me have that involuntary celery face.  Do you know what that face is?  It's the expression of DISAPPOINTMENT.


The second stalk was JUST HORRID.  Stupidest food EVER.  

why did I have to crop my head into this one,
instead of just taking a picture of me biting the celery myself?
Oh yeah--because it's terrible.  

It was BITTER






and my tongue was going dead


and I was all "OH! NEH! NEH! BLECCCCHHH!"




and then "PAH!!!"  I had to spit it out.


INEDIBLE.




And how much celery do you have to eat to reap the magic diuretic effects anyway?!?  In my opinion?  TOTALLY NOT WORTH IT.


Let us not speak of celery again today.


Here endeth this rant. 




26 comments:

  1. Shudder... Celery is tolerable when it's that pale, stringless stuff... but if I get a mouth full of celery STRING that my LAZY CHEWING HABIT can't tolerate? I want to gag AND hurl.

    aimee

    P.S. Your head cropping fills me with joy in ALL the right places.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ooo..I forgot about the strings. The horrible strings. Remember how you ALWAYS hated that, and called them "lines" when you were very little?

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  2. ew. i'll eat pounds and pounds of broccoli to avoid having to eat even one stalk of the blasted celery raw. did you know that celery is the only food that has reverse calories? that means that you burn more calories chewing it than you consume from eating it.
    i do like to chop it though. like for a soup or stuffing or something like that where it'll be cooked and mashed into oblivion. it gives good chopping satisfaction.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that is very interesting, Sherilinnie. You might have known I'd like that little factoid, since I am food obsessed. Yes, it's good in soups and stuff, and it's nice cooked on top of fish. But those giant, thick, super green stalks? Blee-urgh.

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  3. I have a confession to make. I like celery. Oh, the shame! Can we still be friendsies, or do we have to have an interwebs breakup now?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, we can still be together. Celery is actually quite nutritious. I shall confess something too: the little tender super pale stalks in the HEART of the beast are actually almost pleasant. But my god--how many times have I had a big, thick, fibrous, super bitter green stalk? Yuck.

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    2. I am with you, I love celery. Too bad I got gutted like a fish in 1995.. this information is a few years to late.. but I love celery

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    3. Judy, you are with KRISTI, not me. Okay, okay...celery is okay if it's not all bitter, but the odds are too high that it will suck.

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  4. i hear coffee is a dieretic{sp}. why not have lots and lots of coffee, maybe you couldstir the coffee with a celery stick to feel more virtous.barring that i am sure the health food store could hook you up with something good.

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    Replies
    1. It is indeed Paula! But, if I drink too much coffee, it's all bad. Very bad.

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  5. I love your pictures! I hate celery too and I love my veggies. When I have a recipe that calls for it, I leave it out or substitute because I use one or two stalks and the rest just sits in the fridge looking at me until it gets nasty and I have to throw it out.

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    1. I don't mind it cooked, Ruth, but I probably throw out a lot more of it than I use.

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  6. So, Karen, to clarify: you don't like celery? Have I got that right? Poor innocent just being green and crunchy celery?
    Don't suppose you want my Celery a la Mode recipe then.
    Isn't booze a diuretic, if you drink enough of it to knock out your antidiuretic hormone? Course that's when you get the hideous dehydrated hangover headache, but it's worth considering. Stir your cocktails with a finely sliced shard of celery to get the maximum effect.
    You can thank me later!
    PS. Get your tulle on, that will make you feel better! xxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. CELERY A LA MODE! MON DIEU Curtise!!! Yes, booze is also a diuretic. I remember a friend once saying that it's almost good to drink too much once in a while, because the next day you're all skinny and sexy and hungover. I didn't really buy it.

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  7. Even though I'm one of those strange people that actually likes Celery AND Broccoli *I know, I must be a Mutant* I found your Rant to be hilarious! Thankfully I no longer have the Female Tsunami and so I have the Bliss of ... Menopause... which is yet another Chapter of Estro Hell... so not Fair... Men have it so easy!

    Dawn... The Bohemian

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dawn, it's okay if you like broccoli. For the rest of us, there is cheese sauce. I think that's why it was invented.

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  8. If this is how you rant, boy what a PMS rant must be like! I don't mind celery, we have it as a snack almost weekly. Broccoli is good though, steamed, just perfect. The kids like to eat the tree heads off, and coli flower are snow covered trees. Tomatoes I hate, yuck. I drink lots and lots of black coffee, so maybe it does work, sometimes I don't even know when the flow is coming. As for the Halloween decorations, I really am not too into it this year. We are giving the kids a Halloween party and I know the little rats are not going to appreciate it as much as the adults do. They just want candy and more of it. I know my kids are excited though. Today, hopefully I will have it all put up and I can have my house sanity back.

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    1. Too funny Alaina, even though they might seem to not appreciate your decorations, just try not decorating one year and see how that goes.

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  9. I er, love celery. I do however love also love it chopped and slowly fried in butter and herbs as part of a soup base. But I understand, life without doritos sucks. You always make me laugh though. I feel the same way about Ryvita

    ReplyDelete
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    1. See, cooked it's okay Clare, and it is a NECESSITY in sauces and soups. But, I hate that thick, woody, fibrous, dark green stalk that people put out on their crudites platter. Blech.

      Wait...isn't Ryvita the delicious black currant syrup?

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  10. I just know I'm coming back as a woman...I just know it....!
    Sophie's Daddio!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. let me know how you make out with the sore hoots in your next life. I'll still be here whining in some form or other.

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  11. Funniest vegetable rant and PICS ever! I would love to know where you get this info from - celery is a diuretic?? Yeah, and cabbage is a hat and turnip is my hot young lover. Gross. Shut up. I especially love the Celery Matrix pics. I miss you, please don't ever go away for so long ever again! Sarah xxx

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    1. I know. I tend to go through lazy periods Sarah. Kick my ass and POOF! I shall return! Your comment made me laugh out loud. Cabbage is a hat! Wonderful. Ooo! I'm so pleased you recognized my matrix ridiculousness. THank you. You have made my day.

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  12. You certainly know what to do with celery, Karen!!! This was hilarious! Having grown up with sisters all around me, I wish I had known this little fact!! Would have made 'things' a little more peaceful I tell ya! But what do I know about all this anyway....I am just a MAN!!

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    Replies
    1. A man with WISDOM, Jim! Far better than an angry woman with jowls.

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