Sometimes life kicks you right in the poodle.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Boob Saga Part 4 - The Consultation

If you click the label "breast saga" at the bottom of this post, it should lead you to the whole boring story, and my super sub-par drawings! Hooray!


Okay, so what have I been up to lately?  OH RIGHT! Freaking out!  Yay!

Boo.

I'm tired of freaking out.

I had a totally stupid convo with the tech lady in the x-ray department of the hospital.  Why the hell are we responsible for bringing our own mammogram x-rays with us to a consultation for a biopsy?  I mean, WHAT THE F*CK?!

Well, she was all confused that I thought I was getting a biopsy at the specialist's office, because they're always done in the HOSPITAL. Then she was all slightly chastising that it's a GOOD THING I called, because it's a HOLIDAY and she's the only one there, and she has to GO DOWN THE BASEMENT to get my x-rays and I'd BETTER GET THERE before THREE because it's a HOLIDAY and she'll be gone by then.

At that point I felt like shouting; "YEAH? IT'S NOT A FUCKING HOLIDAY FOR ME!"

Apparently the important people of the world get a day off for Remembrance Day yesterday.

Anyhoo, because she thought it was so weird I was going for a "biopsy" at the specialist's and was sure it would be just a consultation, I had to get on the phone AGAIN and double check with the specialist.





DAMN IT.  I was totally mentally prepared for a big old needle in the hoot.  I was so prepared in fact, that I was PISSED OFF when I found out it was just a consultation.  WHAT DOES HE NEED TO CONSULT WITH ME ABOUT?!?  I ranted.  JUST STICK THE NEEDLE IN!!!


But alas, that is not how the medical world works.  You must go through the tedious chain of command and all that bullshit.

So my dad drove me to the hospital, and we picked up the x-rays, and then we walked over NEXT DOOR TO THE MEDICAL BUILDING AND....

WAAAIT A MINUTE....HUSBAND TOOK THE CALL ON FRIDAY AND SAID THEY WERE IN THE MEDICAL BUILDING....YEAH...THE MEDICAL BUILDING BY FREAKING ZELLERS!!!!

DAMN IT, HUSBAND!!!

So we drove over to the correct medical building of Dr. Rajagoblahblah and waited for freaking ever.  Then they finally called me in.





"The Doctor will want to examine you, so take off everything from the waist up and put the robe on with the opening facing the front."

Okay.  No problem.

No problem, except the FREAKING ROBE is either made from someone extremely small and svelte, or it's made for a CHILD.

No way that thing would cover my honks.






Is this done on purpose?  You know...to make it sexier?



This is what I imagined:






At this point I was just not stressed any longer.  The too small robe just made this whole business ridiculous.  I actually laughed a bit.



Well, I grabbed a handful of the robe, held it together, and waited FOR. EV. ER. for the doctor to come in.  I read a Reader's Digest magazine and then I gave up and started singing to myself.

Right after my scary visit with my doctor on Friday, My sister immediately posted this Bob Marley song to my facebook.  It made me cry at the time, but now I like it.

"Don't worry about a thing cuz every little thing, gonna be alright!"




FINALLY the doctor came in!  He was pleasant enough but businesslike.  The 'nodule' they are concerned about is so small he could not feel it by hand.

Apparently there is some sort of 6 point assessment scale for breast nodules.  If it's a '6' it's definitely cancer.  If it's a '5' it might not be cancer, but chances are, it's cancer.  If it's a '4' they don't know what it is and have to check it out.

My bumple is a 4.

Luckily it is so small, that if it is anything C-ish, it will be very easy to treat.  The doctor said it isn't anything I should "get excited about."

Good enough for me!

And so, tomorrow I'll get a phone call about when my biopsy is.  He kind of smiled apologetically: he'd requested the biopsy on Friday, but, well, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS--TODAY'S A HOLIDAY.

IT'S NOT A F*CKING HOLIDAY FOR ME!

Come on ladies, it's time to sing:


Every Little Thing by Bob Marley on Grooveshark

29 comments:

  1. Stupid mean lady in the beginning. Don't take such a job if you're going to be a grouch.

    This. Sounds. Good!

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    1. Yeah Beth! Isn't that the truth! Yeah, it sounds not too scary. I'm glad.

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  2. I can relate to this in a horribly accurate way. At least the prognosis is good and that's the main thing. Your little drawings are so funny. I think we've all met 'X-ray lady' in one form or another, so rude you just gotta laugh! x

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    1. thank you Lucy. I'm sorry you can relate to this, but I hope all is well? X-ray lady needed a cocktail, no doubt.

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  3. Ugh. I just don't understand why you make it your job to deal with people when you're just rude... especially over something so delicate! Loved the second *ahem* sexier drawing. Was hoping the exam revealed it to be a 1 or a 2, but hopefully the 4 can be brought down to a zero after whatever poking they have you scheduled for. Stay strong. Take care.

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    1. it's typical, Tanner. It just reminds me of all the times I had my thyroid poked before I finally got the "all's well."

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  4. Yeah! Every thing IS alright! Yeah.. It is cause I KNOW it. And I know stuff! Though, I don't know HOW I know but... I just do.

    love,
    sister

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    Replies
    1. now I have to ask you how you know, cuz that's interesting.

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  5. I never want to get a mammy grammy.... that is an award I won't be walking down any red carpet for. It sounds so scary!

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    1. the mammo isn't scary at all, Melissa...well, the first one. It all went down the toilet though when the 2nd technician said; 'no, they're looking at a DIFFERENT AREA.' Almost shat myself. Still, isn't it better to find an itty bitty lump that they fling off and you're all better for years and years and years instead of "you have a LARGE MASS" shudder! SHUDDER! SHUDDERRRRRR!!!!!!!!! Or maybe that's just my ultimate fear...

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  6. Oh Karen, your drawings make me laugh.

    What a grouchy-grump the nurse was, she needs to be in a line of work that doesn't deal with people.

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  7. Having worked in medicine I know that an xray in hand is worth 2 in he bush. Not only is mailing or sending xrays by courier expensive, they often go astray. No one better than the patient to make sure that they arrive to the appointment.

    And.....both of my biopsies were in the Surgeons office....

    And.....grouch staff need to remember that the patient is stressed and be more compassionate.

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    1. Thanks Chania, you have made an excellent point, so now I don't feel so complain-y about carrying my own x-rays.

      And as for being more compassionate, that is what I was thinking!

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  8. next time you see the doc for your biopsy, you should offer to do some hooter tricks if it means you'll get a great outcome report afterwards. then start swinging your boobs around in a circular motion as if there were tassels on the nips flying around like the hands of a clock gone wild. then, to top it off, lean forward and make them clap, like you're giving yourself a round of applause. you may need to practice these moves at home first.
    no doubt the doctor will be very impressed and immediately issue you a clean bill of boobie health.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Love, love, love the part about the tassels clapping. That KILLED me. That's the best image. But then, how do you know it wouldn't be my 40 year old boobs doing that? You know--like PANCAKES.

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    2. mine currently clap like pancakes. can you tell my inner stripper still has dreams of grandeur? the key is in the rapid back arch. you know you want to try it. just do it. rip off your bra and start slinging them around! then do it for the man later and take all his cash.

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    3. I'll have to try that tomorrow. My hooty is a teensy bit sore now. No big deal, but still...

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  9. OK for me to join in too?! I don't mind at all being the only male here and besides I could supply a little deeper harmony perhaps. lol

    Good news Karen! One observation though.....here in Nova Scotia (remember one of the 'have-not' provinces) we've done away with carrying x-rays etc by hand. It is all computer and digitized. The health professional simply puts in your 'number' and they have the info needed immediately. I am surprised you have to manually carry your xrays around with you. Maybe it is different for this type of screening but just wondering out loud.

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    1. Hooray for Jim! You can of course always join in, because you're so charming. Imagine--the world progressing with modern technology! Wow-wee! Ugh. My sarcasm is directed at my hospital, not with you. Ah well, at least those x-rays were safe with me, and not at the mercy of stubby fingers hitting the wrong keys.

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  10. Staff who are more concerned about the Maintenance Of The Sacred System, rather than remembering that The System is there to serve real people who are scared and worried and vulnerable... They really PISS ME OFF. That x-ray lady needs some training in how to communicate compassionately and politely with patients. Yeah, I'm cross, OK?
    I'm also laughing at your sexy gown drawing. I bet you totally looked like that. Or you would have if you had had a cocktail with you at the time...
    Good luck with the bumple biopsy. If I was there, I'd go with you and hold your hand and take a flask of cocktails and some Doritos. xxxxx

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    1. A flask of cocktails and Doritos! Sniff! Oh Curtise, you are wonderful. I haven't eaten Doritos in ages! Mon dieu! I found out in that stinking book about all the shit they put in our food that it contains 6 kinds of glutamates, and if I eat enough Doritos it actually does damage to my brain. I need all the brain I have left.

      Oh, and I could use some hand holding. There. I said it.

      Yeah, those people piss me off too.

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  11. New here (visiting from Jim) but just wanted to say keep your moxie. I've read that patients who rattle the cage a little get better care. Glad the nodule is very small. My friend went through the same years ago - she's fine.

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    1. Thank you Barb! It's lovely that you stopped by just to offer such kind words. I'm very touched. I'm also glad that your friend is fine.

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  12. I came here to tell you that I went and got squished yesterday and found all this excitement. I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed that the teeny lump is just an annoyance.

    I kind of felt for the technician yesterday. I mean who wants to tell people that their job is to lift boobs onto a platform and squish them. She was really nice but I had to wonder if she got tired of seeing boobs all day long.

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    1. thanks Lisa, I appreciate it. I'm glad you went for a squish. I believe it's a good thing!!!

      Yeah, I thought that about the technician too--hoisting all these squashy hoots here there and everywhere. Sigh.

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  13. And I would come with Curtise and also bring guacamole and margaritas and a mango, for luck.

    OMG I am MENTAL with SUSPENSE waiting for you to give us the 'SO THEY CALLED AND IT'S NOTHING - WOOHOOOO!' POST!

    Big hugs to your hoots, Sarah xxx

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    1. Me too Sarah, me too. However, I was told it will take a week to get results, and I'm actually glad they didn't call me IMMEDIATELY, as they did after they told me it would take a week to get my second mammogram/ultrasound results.

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