So! If you've missed the story, or whatever, just click the label "breast saga" at the bottom of this post.
On Thursday, after much bullshittery and phone tag and such, I went for my biopsy.
I was unaware that Monday November 12 was a holiday for some and not for others. Who knew that some people still got a day off for Remembrance Day? This pissed me off, and I fired off a letter to the Prime Minister, because seriously--am I not important enough to mourn our veterans?!?
And incidentally, after I was reminded so many times that it was a holiday, all I could picture was a Friday afternoon hospital office filled with workers wearing party hats, drinking cocktails and dancing in a conga line to loud Spanish music. In the meantime, faxes are pouring through for procedures for sick people, and they're falling on the floor as everyone screams LONG WEEKEND! HOLLA!
Don't get all mad at me if you're a hospital worker. I don't really believe this happened and I know you work hard. I was just feeling sorry for myself, OKAY?!?
But whatever. The point is, it was a long weekend, and I was told at least four (f*cking) times that because last weekend was a STAT HOLIDAY, things got backed up, and even though they submitted my request for a biopsy LAST FRIDAY, it was A HOLIDAY, so haw haw, you know how it goes. And even thought it was TUESDAY and I'd heard nothing about my biopsy appointment, I might not hear from the receptionist at the specialist's until THURSDAY because she was only there until NOON on Wednesday.
Did this deter KAREN? Hellz no. Be PERSISTENT, ladies. I was on that phone. I was that lady's new best friend. And lo and behold! I got me my appointment. Nevermind that my x-rays were sitting on the radiologist's desk and he wasn't even planning on looking at them until FRIDAY but the specialist I saw for the consultation got on HIS ASS and bottom line
COME TOMORROW AT 10:00. BE THERE FOR 9:30. NO BREAKFAST.
GAH! That was the call I got on Wednesday. It may take a while to get through the system, but every time they've called me back finally it's been all COME TOMORROW or COME TODAY...and do you know what that creates, people?
But did you need to know that? No.
So, this past Thursday, I grumbled and wondered why the hell I couldn't eat anything?!? In case I hurl on the table? I was allowed to eat when they poked my thyroid! Sniff, sniff!
I was super nervous as I walked with my dad into the hospital. Jelly legs and all.
Then I waited in the waiting room for not very long at all, before I was called in to get changed into one of those gorgeous blue robe thingies. At least at the hospital they actually COVER your hoots. Yeah, I'm talking to YOU, Dr. Specialist.
Then I had to go lie down on the bed in the ultrasound room, which was FREEZING and wait a few moments for the radiologist to come in, as he would be the one doing the biopsy, with an ultrasound technician to help.
Waiting was HIDEOUS, and I wished like crazy that I'd taken my last MAGIC PILL that morning. STUPID KAREN! STUPID!
FINALLY, the doctor arrived, and he thought it would be all helpful and shit to explain EXACTLY what he would be doing: wash the area, mark the area, freeze the area, make a small incision, insert the needle/chompy thingy that would take off bits of tissue for samples and...
SMALL INCISION?!? YOU'RE GOING TO CUT ME?!?!?
This is when I felt like shrieking
DON'T TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO! JUST DO IT!!!!!
Okay, so he did all that and I figured out that he would have to send the needle in on a angle so he could find that teeny nodule with the camera at the same time. The needle made a noise like a 'stapler' and every time it made a little staple noise, I felt like growling YEAH, YOU GET THAT THING!!! GRRR!
And then it was done! It was WAY less hideous, in my opinion, than a thyroid biopsy. My sister explained why, in a most scientific way:
"Sure, because that's your NECK. You use your neck to BREATHE and SWALLOW, but your boob is useless. It just hangs there."
I was given a little ice pack and sent on my merry way. Jelly legs and all.
Sooooooooooooooo happy it was over! One more step DONE, BITCHES!!!!
Back at my house eating the McDonk's breakfast my dad bought for us...feeling good! Feeling relieved!
FEELING LIKE I COULD HAVE COLLAPSED RIGHT THEN AND THERE
But, I didn't. I felt like I could, but I didn't. Fun to draw though.
And now, I wait a week or so to find out the results.