Sometimes life kicks you right in the poodle.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Boob Saga Part 5 - The BIOPSY

So!  If you've missed the story, or whatever, just click the label "breast saga" at the bottom of this post.


On Thursday, after much bullshittery and phone tag and such, I went for my biopsy.      
I was unaware that Monday November 12 was a holiday for some and not for others.  Who knew that some people still got a day off for Remembrance Day?  This pissed me off, and I fired off a letter to the Prime Minister, because seriously--am I not important enough to mourn our veterans?!?

And incidentally, after I was reminded so many times that it was a holiday, all I could picture was a Friday afternoon hospital office filled with workers wearing party hats, drinking cocktails and dancing in a conga line to loud Spanish music.  In the meantime, faxes are pouring through for procedures for sick people, and they're falling on the floor as everyone screams LONG WEEKEND!  HOLLA!

Don't get all mad at me if you're a hospital worker.  I don't really believe this happened and I know you work hard.  I was just feeling sorry for myself, OKAY?!?

But whatever.  The point is, it was a long weekend, and I was told at least four (f*cking) times that because last weekend was a STAT HOLIDAY, things got backed up, and even though they submitted my request for a biopsy LAST FRIDAY, it was  A HOLIDAY, so haw haw, you know how it goes.  And even thought it was TUESDAY and I'd heard nothing about my biopsy appointment, I might not hear from the receptionist at the specialist's until THURSDAY because she was only there until NOON on Wednesday.

Did this deter KAREN?  Hellz no.  Be PERSISTENT, ladies.  I was on that phone. I was that lady's new best friend.  And lo and behold! I got me my appointment.  Nevermind that my x-rays were sitting on the radiologist's desk and he wasn't even planning on looking at them until FRIDAY but the specialist I saw for the consultation got on HIS ASS and bottom line

COME TOMORROW AT 10:00.  BE THERE FOR 9:30.  NO BREAKFAST.  

GAH!  That was the call I got on Wednesday.  It may take a while to get through the system, but every time they've called me back finally it's been all COME TOMORROW or COME TODAY...and do you know what that creates, people?

INSTANT DIARRHEA.

But did you need to know that?  No.

So, this past Thursday, I grumbled and wondered why the hell I couldn't eat anything?!?  In case I hurl on the table?  I was allowed to eat when they poked my thyroid! Sniff, sniff!

Anyhoo....


I was super nervous as I walked with my dad into the hospital.  Jelly legs and all.






Then I waited in the waiting room for not very long at all, before I was called in to get changed into one of those gorgeous blue robe thingies.  At least at the hospital they actually COVER your hoots.  Yeah, I'm talking to YOU, Dr. Specialist.

Then I had to go lie down on the bed in the ultrasound room, which was FREEZING and wait a few moments for the radiologist to come in, as he would be the one doing the biopsy, with an ultrasound technician to help.

Waiting was HIDEOUS, and I wished like crazy that I'd taken my last MAGIC PILL that morning.  STUPID KAREN! STUPID!

 



FINALLY, the doctor arrived, and he thought it would be all helpful and shit to explain EXACTLY what he would be doing:  wash the area, mark the area, freeze the area, make a small incision, insert the needle/chompy thingy that would take off bits of tissue for samples and...

SMALL INCISION?

SMALL INCISION?!?  YOU'RE GOING TO CUT ME?!?!? 

This is when I felt like shrieking

DON'T TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO! JUST DO IT!!!!!

Okay, so he did all that and I figured out that he would have to send the needle in on a angle so he could find that teeny nodule with the camera at the same time.  The needle made a noise like a 'stapler' and every time it made a little staple noise, I felt like growling YEAH, YOU GET THAT THING!!! GRRR!

And then it was done!  It was WAY less hideous, in my opinion, than a thyroid biopsy.  My sister explained why, in a most scientific way:

"Sure, because that's your NECK.  You use your neck to BREATHE and SWALLOW, but your boob is useless.  It just hangs there."



I was given a little ice pack and sent on my merry way.  Jelly legs and all.





Sooooooooooooooo happy it was over!  One more step DONE, BITCHES!!!!






Back at my house eating the McDonk's breakfast my dad bought for us...feeling good!  Feeling relieved!


FEELING LIKE I COULD HAVE COLLAPSED RIGHT THEN AND THERE






But, I didn't.  I felt like I could, but I didn't.  Fun to draw though.


And now, I wait a week or so to find out the results.

Stay tuned!


26 comments:

  1. Can I just say, I love your drawings. This actually has been a fun drama, well, maybe not for you, but for me, digging it. And not like digging it out of your knockers, but well, you know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no worries, I get it! I appreciate the compliment as well, since I was just wondering if anyone is thinking "oh not another crappy drawing post!!" Also, nobody has blacker humour than my sister and I, so once again--no worries!

      That was my intention: to make it more fun to read about.

      Delete
  2. And it's fun, in an "OMG I wish this wasn't happening to my lovely friend but damn, she makes me laugh!" kind of way.
    Well done on getting through the biopsy, even with your jelly legs and your useless boob just hanging there.
    I love your drawings. And I am waiting on that result while sending positive healthy vibes. Cos yeah, I really believe in that shit...
    Sending love and good wishes all the same! xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Curtise, you are so funny. I wish we could be discussing this over coffee and cake. Ever since you cheered yourself up that way recently, it stuck in my brain. Thank you.

      Delete
  3. INSTANT DIARRHEA. I thought I was the only lucky person to get this. I used to get it going to the library, the grocery store and anywhere else....I don't get it that much anymore, except if I imagine THAT phone call I get from one of my children, that could mean Death.( If they phone after 10pm for instance) To be truthful I conjure up that scenario almost anytime they phone me.

    I love the drawings as usual. And you have made me feel way better about my back end issues, because nobody around me can relate. They all think I am weird.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh totally, Melissa: as soon as someone utters something really stressful, it's straight to the can. I'm amazed at how efficient my body is in that regard.

      Delete
  4. Another fabulous post. Can't tell you how much you do for the rest of us in sharing this experience...

    Your experience and drawings belong in a book that every woman walking down the same path can read (especially those bitches at the medical office who could give a flying shit about all the lives they are impacing each day - sorry, have no idea where that came from but, just went with it).

    You are an amazing artist!

    I bow to thee, oh sista Badass,

    Kelly in Cali

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I should, shouldn't I Kelly! I should make a book, because damn, I like money.

      Delete
  5. fingers crossed for those results. did you do your boobie dance?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, my boobie was sore :( It's getting much better though!

      Delete
  6. ERMAHGERD! This is terrifying and hilarious at the same time. I totally get the diarrhoea and the jelly legs and the nervous, wobbly smile. You know I have my fingers, eyes, legs, brains and useless hanging boobs crossed - but you don't need it - EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE! Biggest hugs ever from my boobs to yours, biatch. Sarah xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sarah, you lovely doll of a woman, you're right: it is STOOPID. Just STOOPID. Still, I'm being a good patient girl for now.

      Delete
  7. I ordered Julian's book this morning... Thanks again for the sharing... I was giving the stink eye to my teflon pan last night.

    Rock on, Sista, Rock on!

    Kelly in Cali

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THAT'S FREAKING AWESOME. You can be a Jillian-ite too! Hooray! Or maybe not, calm down karen. Still--it's a really good book.

      Delete
  8. "Jelly legs." Exactly. Sending good thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah, why do legs feel heavy and weak in these situations? I think my arms are still okay???

      Delete
  9. Now stop making up all those 'stories' in your head! Why do we do that anyways? Breathing in.....breathing out.....
    Good energy heading your way via the east coast!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Jim, at least 70% of the problem with me is my own damn brain. My brain's a total idiot.

      Thanks for the good energy, my friend!

      Delete
  10. I hate Jelly legs. Hopefully you will hear sooner. Waiting sucks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. waiting does suck, Ruth. Strangely enough though, it's kind of peaceful having a break hearing from doctors. I'm sick of those guys.

      Delete
  11. I like your drawings, too. I just had a bunch of tests run, too. I'm disgustingly healthy. So any illness I feel is entirely my own fault.

    Love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Fred! I'm glad everything's okay. How could it not be? You're awesome. If something were wrong with YOU, the whole system would be effed.

      Delete
  12. I like your drawings and your sisters explanation..lol.
    fingers crossed for youxxx

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ha! I knew Boobs were "useless" I never got all the hype over them in the first place.
    Karen, I'm so sorry for not being around and so this is the first I'm reading all of this. I've had the flu for a month now and can't seem to shake it. But in your honor, I'll call the doctor today and try to get an appointment.
    Take care.
    Mark

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mark! That's horrible you've had the flu for a month! NO worries--it all turned out okay, but it was a MONTH of freaking out! And you know I'm good at freaking out. Hey, if I wasn't freaking out, I'd have checked in on YOU, wouldn't I!!!

      Delete

I lurv comments. Thank you for the comments. They are scrumptious.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails