Sometimes life kicks you right in the poodle.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The Book That RUINED My Less Healthy Life

Remember the good old days?

I do.

It would be a Saturday night. I'd be comfy cozy on the couch.  For some reason, there's this one angelic TV station that has been having Saturday night Sex & The City marathons for months and months and months.  And you know, no matter how many times I've seen those episodes, I never, ever get sick of them.

I will never, ever get sick of you.  I don't care what
ANYONE says! SNIFF!

Except for that season when Carrie dated Berger.  Blech. I hated Berger.


hey! I was so whiny and douchy and unappealing on the
show that S&TC fans can't stand me in ANYTHING
now!  Now THAT'S good acting!

Yeah. Any season except the one with Berger in it.  But then, I also hate when Carrie dated the politician who wanted her to pee on him...

Wait.. what was I talking about?

Oh yeah...the former life of a juicier, less concerned karen.

It would be Saturday night, I'd be all cozy on the couch with a giant bag of Doritos on my lap, and a rye and coke at my right, ice melting gently into the delicious, fizzy goodness.  That's right:  cramming orangey red corn triangles down my yap and washing it down with DELICIOUS POISON.

But no.  Not anymore.

Last March I got into torturous, de-humanizing circuit training exercise dvd's.  And then, on a whim, I signed this book out from the library:



AND IT WAS F*CKING HORRIFYING.

And I ranted the hell out of what I learned in THIS POST.  Cuz I was FURIOUS.

*For the record, you should be furious too, because even though you're probably trying to be healthy with what you buy from the grocery store, chances are you are being SABOTAGED, and we're all bombarded by all the shit they put--not just in our food--in our bath washes, and that stuff they put on couches and rugs to make it stain-resistant and the awful plastics that are used for EVERYTHING AND

Okay, nevermind.  You guys didn't get furious the first time, so I'll just keep my fury to myself and hope that at least a few people empower themselves from the evil powers that be, and try to rid themselves of as many toxins as possible.

Oh yeah! Doritos!  Well, the thing is, I found out that Doritos has SIX DIFFERENT GLUTAMATES in it.  Sure, you've heard of Monosodium Glutamate, or MSG, right?  Ooo...bad...avoid MSG! Yeah, and just imagine:  those chips that I loved so much I composed a frigging SONG about them?  They have SIX of those bastards.

And glutamates are BAD!  If you consume enough of them, they actually damage your brain.

TASTY!

Dig this shit:

The third most used flavor enhancer in North American food, after salt and pepper, is a drug. Glutamic acid, most commonly found in the form monosodium glutamate (MSG) is classified as a food additive by both the Health Canada and the US Food and Drug Administration. It is actually drug-like in its effects, despite attempts by both government and industry to convince us otherwise. 

Everyone is susceptible to the toxic effects of glutamates. Glutamate is the most common neurotransmitter in the brain; that is, it is responsible for transporting chemical signals from neuron to neuron. To do this job, glutamate is rapidly released in minute quantities and then rapidly re-absorbed. If there is a high level of glutamates in the bloodstream, glutamate can enter the brain and cause the neurons to misfire, causing physical and psychological problems, and in extreme cases, permanent damage.  

(from All Glutamates Are Not Created Equal )

And I know what you're thinking:  karen's such a DOWNER now.   She's all nutrition this and nutrition that and I just want to eat my greasy fries and not have her harping on me like someone's hellish mother

DAMN RIGHT I'M GOING TO HARP!  That shit's f*cked up!  And now that I know all about it, I can't eat it any longer!!! I haven't had Doritos in MONTHS!

And as for that delicious rye and coke?  I love whisky!  I want to marry it!  Come on!  You've seen the ridiculous whisky love festival, right?!?




JUST CLICK HERE

Yeah.  I lurved whisky.  I still LURV IT.  It hates me though.  I didn't read anything scary about whisky.  I mean, booze in general is bad, and if you're a lady and you have more than two measly drinks per day, you raise your risk of getting breast cancer ridiculously, but har har, whatever.

My problem was waking up with a racing heart.  Yes, and when you're up at 3 in the morning, and you're fervently praying not to die, and you're NOT EVEN RELIGIOUS FOR CRAP'S SAKE, then there is something very wrong, my friends.

So, do you know what I eat now on Saturday nights?  Or most nights for that matter, unless demon PMS wraps her cold, dead hands around my neck, starts to squeeze and hisses EAT SOMETHING OR I WILL KILL YOU...


Do you know what I eat now?

Nothing.  A big, shitty plate of nothing.

Because I read that if I eat before bed, my body is sooo busy pumping out insulin to mop that shit up that I can't produce enough growth hormone while I'm sleeping to look healthy.  Is this even true?  PROBABLY, but the point is

I'm like THIS NOW

PLUG ME BACK IN!
PLUG ME BACK INNNNNNNN!!!!!

THAT'S RIGHT! I'm freaking NEO from The Matrix now!  I've just been cut out of my nice, warm, slimy pod of blissful ignorance, shot down a dirty tube into a river of sludge called REALITY, and now I'm in REALITY, which in the movie is called Zion, and everyone else is still plugged in to the LIE and they're eating their Doritos and sucking down their HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, and washing themselves with gorgeously scented chemical-laden bath washes, and it's sunny, and they wear cool clothes and they're HAPPY but nooooo not me....

I'm in ZION wearing RAGS and eating HEALTHY GRUEL and drinking bullshit cocktails with real juice instead of pop

AND MY GOD...I CAN'T EVEN HAVE COFFEE MATE ANY LONGER!  IT HAS TRANS FATS AND A WHOLE SLEW OF HORRIBLE INGREDIENTS!  AND I LOVE COFFEE MATE! IT MAKES COFFEE CREAMY IN A WAY THAT FRIGGING CREAM NEVER CAN

AND IT SUCKS!  SOMETIMES IT SUCKS. SO. HARD.


I do feel pretty damn good though.

But damn, it sucks so hard.





31 comments:

  1. Love it, love it, love it, love it.

    My book arrives today (found on Amazon, $10, free shipping). Can't wait to read it.

    Sista, you dish it out in a way that gets my motors running! I love your ass-whooping. You know how I like it rough!

    Kelly in Cali

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. wellllll thank you, Kelly! Don't get too excited about the book though: it's pretty grim for the first few chapters, but you know, in a good way :)

      Delete
  2. Thank a whole hell of a lot. I was planning on all that rotten food today. But alas, you went and ruined it.

    Psych!!!!

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    Replies
    1. ha! Good old rotten food. It gives me wicked heartburn now when I do indulge.

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  3. You know something when you older....I won't mention ages.
    I thought I was ready to die, my heart was giving me signs.
    Waking me racing...my sis said just bear down and it will relax the heart. Pfffft
    Nah, I just had to quit drinking wine with dinner, and having more than
    one cup of coffee...and all that heart racing stopped.

    But now I can feel every body ache that was covered up by
    all that fun. If ain't one thing, it's another.
    Swear to Swimwear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! I read about the heart racing with wine thing too, because it happens to me. It apparently is harmless, but who likes living through THAT?!? Too bad too, because red wine is yummo.

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  4. Well, I need a double whiskey after that. And some Doritos... Little bit of what you fancy, and all that!
    I'm sure you are right, Karen, but the thought of steamed vegetables and water makes me sad. Healthy mostly, indulgent as treats - is that so bad? I am just not cut out to be a hardliner, about anything, I am FAR too lazy! xxxxxx

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    Replies
    1. oh, it's not all steamed veg over here, Curtise, or I would THROW UP. Yech. But, it's very little processed food. I still eat chips, but usually they're baked. Still tasty, crunchy, and crammed with sodium.

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  5. i'm currently on my second life wave of doing all things healthy. when you do the research and learn about the crap that we consume and how it affects us, it makes you want to avoid it. but in doing so, you take so much of the happy comfort out of your life. i've found that there has to be happy medium somewhere. you can find research stating that just about every single thing in the entire world is bad for you in some way. i think we have to do some research, make lots of healthy choices and then cut ourselves some slack in a few areas so that we can still enjoy our lives and not just punish ourselves with health all the time to the detriment to our quality of life. what good is it to get all healthy if we're pissed off and annoying to the people around us all the time?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah, I haven't cut out everything. I mean, on The Man's birthday we had lots of horrible hors d'oeuvres like cheddar cheese balls and chicken wings and stuff. I just can't eat Doritos though. That glutamates info was a bit much.

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  6. And we wonder why kids cannot concentrate at school? Excitotoxins anyone?

    Excitotoxicity may be involved in spinal cord injury, stroke, traumatic brain injury, hearing loss (through noise overexposure or ototoxicity) and in neurodegenerative diseases of the central nervous system (CNS) such as multiple sclerosis, Alzheimer's disease, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), Parkinson's disease, alcoholism or alcohol withdrawal, and Huntington's disease.[3][4] Other common conditions that cause excessive glutamate concentrations around neurons are hypoglycemia[5] and status epilepticus.[6]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See? SEE?!? Melissa doesn't think I'm crazy! Well...at least not too crazy I think.

      Horrible.

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  7. Gee and we wonder why these diseases are on the rampage? Go back to a more simplistic whole way of eating. What people consider lunch food for kids is just sick. Because we are too lazy to actually make, a healthy lunch for the kids, and ourselves.

    I also swear they are addicting. I eat no chips, I don't want chips. I don't eat chocolate I don't want it. And then BAM, I eat chocolate and chips.......all I crave are CHOCOLATE AND CHIPS!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Melissa, I've ranted that all along too: how addictive this food is. I think it's as bad as any addictive narcotic, but thinnos just think everyone has to have more WILLPOWER. BULLSHIT, says I.

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  8. MSG also goes by many names. Yeast extract is one of them, but they use several. Even the health mart section of my store has stuff with that in it.
    If I could, I'd buy everything organic. Including pork and beef. I can't afford the grass fed beef. I have located some places that sell pastured pork that I am looking into.
    I used to drink Mtn Dew until I learned what brominated vegetable oil was. Just can't bring myself to drink one. Even if it is the kind with sugar.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I am scared to know what that is! I will have to go look that up. I don't drink Mountain Dew...oh dear.

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    2. Brominated Veg oil! Well that's a new one on me, and I'm not going to look it up. Yuck. I never drink Mtn Dew anyway and never really did for some reason...

      I did hear that Mtn Dew has way more caffeine than coke or pepsi, which makes it more addictive.

      Yeah, I know you feel me on the whole food thing too, Ruth.

      Delete
  9. Heh.

    The night time no eating thing is a lie! A LIE!

    I figured out after sabotaging myself at 4AM or right when I got up every day that if I didn't eat before bed I would 1) wake up at 3AM because I am too hungry to sleep or 2) eat any sugar I could get my hands on for breakfast, including, but not limited to week old cake in the fridge, six packets of sugar, a candy bar of dubious origin in the cabinet... well, you get the idea.

    So I have a piece of fruit or some popcorn (air popped with a little bit of REAL butter and some salt) in the evening. And I budget 1-5 beers a night in my calories, because really. Healthy shmealthy. What's the point of living so long if there is no beer?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's true, Leauxra: if you're TOO hungry before bed, you can't sleep. You are correct! So, I just have to find that right balance. I like your beer budget.

      Delete
  10. There's a movie trailer called: "Branded". Matrix 2012.
    As a long-time health nut, you get over the deprivation, eventually.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that's what I figured, Antares. In the meantime though, it bites a bit.

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  11. IGNORANCE IS BLISS. That's all I've got to say. mwahahaha!

    Okay, okay. For me personally I REFUSE to deprive myself. I'm going to my death bed (MY FREAKING DEATH BED!!!) with that bag of sour cream and onion chips. YES! I'll be laying there HUGGING the bag... with a SMILE on my face. DEAD! But SMILING... because I DIED eating my favourite snack. What a way to go.

    But I do mostly prefer real ingredients. Like BUTTER, not that fake "I Can't Believe it's Not Butter" crap. I CAN believe it's not butter! Stupid. If I want a snack I don't go and buy some garbage TWINKIES (yes yes, they're going out of business.. get over it people!).. I bake something nummy! Like yesterday. Super yummy lemon cupcakes YO. And then I eat them. I don't stop until they're GONE. (It's a problem I have, but I'm working on it! kinda) And I eat lots of fruits and vegetables... and I make a PROPER meal 6 nights a week.

    :)

    Lemon cupcakes.... Yup.


    Aimee

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. IGNORANCE IS BLISS, but KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Pick one, sister. Har har...we've already joked about this. Yes, yes...you and your sour cream and onion chips. Yes.

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  12. I feel your fury. I am a healthy person, but it's hard to find something to eat that won't eventually kill you.

    I don't eat after 6:30. And you know how fitness/health enthusiasts say, 'oh, you just need to do it for three weeks, and then it will be easy as pie because it'll be your routine'? Yeah, that doesn't apply to not eating in the evening. It took a long time for me to adjust to that one.

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    Replies
    1. Agreed on that one, Vesta--it does take a long time to get used to!

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  13. Ok, because I do not plan on living forever. I will eat my crap and be happy. I will however try to exercise more and stay active. Now I am off to eat some pie, yes it is good for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

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    Replies
    1. Your mans pie is good every freaking hour of the day!!!

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    2. I wholeheartedly endorse pie. I mean, if you make it instead of buy it, you're putting in REAL sugar, butter or lard, real fruit or real pumpkin, so I don't see much harm in that. I do freak out over using shortening in the crust though. I don't care what my brother says about shortening being "better" now. Shortening is bullshit.

      Delete
  14. Yeah, my big problem are all the shitty, LAB-invented ingredients that they throw into our food instead of real ingredients that are made by THE EARTH. That is what pisses me off the most.

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  15. Oh yes, that dreadful MSG!! We learned the hard way after eating Chinese food laced in that stuff...headaches and nausea! Now we tell them to leave out the MSG and some places advertise that they don't use it at all anymore. good.
    But it is so difficult Karen to eat properly until you can't take feeling so awful all the time and HAVE to do something about it. Or, that you have a 'health crises' and you are advised to tweak your diet with better oils and whole foods.

    When one starts to feel better on a daily basis it becomes a lot less difficult to eat healthily. Hey, and to TREAT oneself on occasion is TOTALLY permissable. It's all about MODERATION.

    Karen, see what you have started?

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  16. You're HILARIOUS! I go by the Sage Wisdom of my Dead Ole Dad, who didn't die of a damn thing the Docs said and predicted he would... he always told me with the Stoic Wisdom of an Old Apache: Everybody's gotta die of something...

    I Meditated upon this Truth... and decided that death by Artificial Sweetener is likely the way I'll 'go'... my BFF's are APPALLED at the amount of Artificial Sweetener I put in my Iced Tea... ahhh, but it tastes Lovely and I'll die with a huge Smile on my face because I will have destroyed so many brain cells that I probably won't remember how to frown... I'll just have this Huge Embecile oversweetened Grin on my face! *Winks*

    Blessings and Be Well... Dawn... The Arizona Desert Bohemian

    ReplyDelete

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