Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Monday, January 30, 2012

HORRIBLE DISASTER MESS BEDROOM ~ AFTER

PRESS PLAY, pour yourself a cocktail, and scroll down sloooooooooooowly




THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA by Instrumental on Grooveshark












































I know -- I'm happy too! 


Shelf:  $64.99 ~ Zellers
bins:  $12.00 ~ Dollarama

Serenity:  PRICELESS


(did you see the BEFORE pictures?)

Sunday, January 29, 2012

HORRIBLE DISASTER MESS BEDBROOM ~ BEFORE

Ella's room...AKA PIT OF DESPAIR...



Polly Pockets...Squinkies...Zoobles...Barbie FLOP HOUSE...
Mr. Potato Head & family...despair...

















Draculaura is NOT impressed.  Somebody better
clean this sh*thole up before I throw a GOTH FIT!!!




stay tuned for AFTER!!!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

This Food Thing Is Going to Break Me

Hey there! If it weren't for YOU, my son might actually STARVE TO DEATH!  Hooray!
We buy at least 4 of these per week....for now.  AWESOME.

I've lamented/whined/complained NUMEROUS times about the state of my son's eating.  I have a list of various posts I was particularly ranty in, which you can find HERE, in case others of you out there need to feel like you're not alone in the great JUST F*CKING EAT battle.

I know when a food is on its way out.  When Jack started complaining about the consistency of the cheese in his cheese sandwich, I knew that sandwich's days were numbered.

When Jack started getting really picky about little blobs of jam in his peanut butter sandwich, I knew time was running out for jam.  Then when he started freaking if peanut butter came over the borders of the bread, I became more nervous.  Then when I had to start putting them in the fridge to firm up for a while before he ate them, I knew it wasn't good.  And when he started freaking that little bits of bread were getting mixed in with the peanut butter, I had a mental going away party for the peanut butter sandwich.

The same goes for instant cinnamon flavoured oatmeal.  Jack started leaving half of it in the bowl.  I hope he's just taking a break from it.  Luckily he's eating apple cinnamon flavour, but since he already burnt himself out on that one and ditto for "maple and brown sugar," I know it's just a matter of time.

So the only thing that's REALLY been keeping the kid going is f*cking cinnamon raisin toast.  Oh, and not just any brand will do.  We have to buy the most expensive one of all:  the SUNMAID brand, which is around 4 bucks a bag.

The most galling part is, that by the time Jack has pulled off the crusts, and pulled off any other parts he has somehow arbitrarily deemed as INEDIBLE, he has a PLATE FULL of bread that goes into the organics bin.  I.E; GIGANTIC WASTE.

So lately, when I've lifted up untouched, perfectly fine pieces from his plate for question, Jack has insisted LOUDLY;

"I DON'T WANNA EAT SMALL PIECES!!!"

Oh great.  There's something wrong with the "small pieces" now.  I'm getting worried.  Very worried.

But here is the best, best thing of all:  Jack is now freaked by the way I eat.  Me.  Me in particular.  Me, who always chews with mouth closed, as is supposedly proper.

It started as the Christmas break was winding to a close.  You know--filling little Auties everywhere with near-crippling dread?  One day I was eating something and talking at the same time.  Jack got upset and insisted he be allowed to eat his lunch or dinner in the dining room, not the kitchen.

"I DON'T WANNA HEAR YOU TALKING IN YOUR MOUTH!!!!"  he wailed.

Talking in my mouth?!?  What the HELL does that mean?  You know, as a parent with a kid on the spectrum, you soon learn that they have more creative ways of describing things, and you have to be a FREAKING DETECTIVE sometimes to figure out just what the hell they are talking about before they actually COMBUST.

MOM YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!


So, I figured that talking in my mouth actually meant "talking with food in my mouth."  Damn it, as far as family etiquette is concerned, I don't care who the eff is talking with food in his/her mouth. If their mouths are super crammed and it makes their talking muffled, or if I can really see what's in someone's mouth while he/she yaps, okay, then maybe that's a problem.

Okay, so he was freaking out about people talking with food in their mouths.  All of a sudden.  Out of nowhere.  Fine, fine, these OCD things are the manifestations of great anxiety, and a need to buckle down as only a control freak can.

But it's gotten worse.  He can hardly eat at the table with me.  And I've mostly stopped talking while I'm eating, because let's admit it--we can't help being molded by our kids' idiosyncrasies just so we can have some damn peace.

But Jack?  Well, Jack hates the way I CHEW now.

Jack:  "Mom, why do you chew like THIS?"  (imitates a closed mouth chewing motion)

Me:  "I don't know?!?  That's how I eat!  Teeth have to come up and down to grind food."

Jack:  "but I wish you wouldn't chew like THIS:"  mimics a chewing motion that involves the front teeth predominately.

I don't quite know what to do about this.  It's making me feel self-conscious as hell, and I don't know how long before this neurosis carries over to the classroom lunch session.  Right now, I've decided that I won't let him leave the room and eat by himself, because the best way to overcome a phobia is to confront it all the time.

Actually, my stomach is in knots over this, and I'm having a hard time even writing about it.

I have to find some kind of food therapist for the kid before he winds up like this:


oh the horror....


help???

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Frumpy Stay-at-home Mom? NOT TODAY B*TCHES!!

Please, allow me to be shallow for a little while.  I must, I must.

As stay-at-home moms, we are busy.  As working moms we are busy.  The difference is, that you moms out there at the office, working hard for the mon-ay get a chance to wear nice things.

Us shlepps at home wear jeans or some form of "exercise" pant day in, day out.  Day in, day out.  Oh, and top those off with some nice functional hoodies.  Also, I have forgotten what "hip" shoes are, because I'm always speed-walking to and from school and everywhere else, so as not to let my ass become as gargantuan as it wants to, so I'm mostly in running shoes.  Or some sort of clunky black boots to keep my frozen toes from falling off.  Winter blowz.

Then, when the weekend arrives, we are freaking tired, and a good book trumps an evening out at some bar filled with 20-somethings in tight mini dresses any day.  Plus, we have no mini dresses any longer.  Actually, some of us never did.  Maybe just some really pale, super high-wasted jeans and a crop-top.  So sad.

Luckily every now and then someone will get married or kick the bucket, so then we can actually dust off all those pretty things way at the back of our closets, whore-up the face, dig for the fun jewellery that would normally scratch the little people in our lives and look HAWT.

 Ha ha, don't get upset about the death joke.  I kid.  Funerals are no picnic.

But what I'm saying is basically this:  I have a few really pretty things that I almost NEVER get to enjoy.  Yes, yes, fashion-forward girls like Sarah and Curtise make every day a super awesome lookin' fab day, but the rest of us might not have the balls.

So,

I got out all my fun stuff for a day and took pictures, and now I'm forcing you to enjoy them too!  Plus, it's January, and January is so freaking lousy with boredom and greyness, that I encourage all of you (and you men too--what the hell.  Maybe you have a Boba Fett tie or something you've been dying to wear) to get out all those pretty things you miss, and roll around in them for an hour or two.


Things I miss:





Sparkly things!!!









These shoes...which I've NEVER even worn out anywhere, but one HAS to have a pair of super slick-shiny black shoes...








Oh hello--I am so SHINY


THESE shoes--which I think are kinda sexay in a retro way...












FALSE EYELASHES !!!



LIPSTICK RED SHOES.  OH YUMMY.









yeah--roll up to the schoolyard wearing these





I love this dress.  Will I ever wear this dress again?!?  SCREW YOU, SUPER COMFY BLACK YOGA PANTS



ooo--can you see the gorgeous red satin handbag I'm showcasing?
The weirdest part was getting The Man to take these dress pics...



I love these shoes.  I love them.  They HATE ME.  They KILL my feet if I wear them longer than 15 minutes.  Frowny face.






This shirt...because it has SATIN SLEEVES!  OOOOOO SATIN...and cleavage...






satin is yummy-nummy.





GOLD THINGS!  Because they are SO DISCO-GOOD!


bracelet and necklace ~ H&M
clutch ~ Value Village



LET'S DISCO

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

MYSTERY AND MAGIC at the Thrift Store!!

Coffee chat time, everyone!  I have a story to share with you, and I need to know what y'all think, so I cranked up my super crappy video cam!  Hooray!

video

Monday, January 23, 2012

BUY NORTH AMERICAN

DAMN STRAIGHT



This is a public service announcement from your friendly neighbourhood karen.

So, I get  a ton, a FREAKING TON   a lot of FORWARDS from my Dad in email.  Ssh...don't tell my Dad, but every time it has either a little movie attached, or a link to a little movie, or some soul-enriching power-point slide show about how WONDROUS the Earth is...yeah, I probably never click on those.

Aherm...

Anyhoo, I did get one email this morning, which I've read somewhere before, and you've probably read somewhere before, and it is actually WORTH passing on to as many people as you can.  So, instead of forwarding it to a bunch of people who might be just as bad  discerning as I am, I'm pasting it RIGHT HERE, because I think it's really, really, important.

Do me a favour and read it, okay?  I didn't write it myself, but I fully endorse it.  I think we should all support our own continent when it comes to the things we buy--ESPECIALLY our groceries!  It's a Canada-based email, but this works for you too, my fine, charming American friends.

Then we'll get back to business talking about poops, lady tsunamis, PMS and photoshop magic with cropped heads.

BUY LOCAL!!!!!



Please read this very carefully, and read to the very bottom.
Its important for all of us.
 
How is it possible to ship food from China cheaper --
than having it produced in Canada or at least the U.S.?
FOR EXAMPLE THE "OUR FAMILY" BRAND OF THE MANDARIN ORANGES
SAYS RIGHT ON THE CAN FROM CHINA .. SO FOR A FEW MORE CENTS
BUY THE LIBERTY GOLD BRAND OR THE DOLE IS FROM CALIFORNIA.

ALL "HIGH LINER" AND MOST OTHER FROZEN FISH PRODUCTS COME FROM
CHINA OR INDONESIA.  THE PACKAGE MAY SAY "PACIFIC SALMON" ON THE FRONT,
BUT LOOK FOR THE SMALL PRINT.
MOST OF THESE PRODUCTS COME FROM FISH FARMS IN THE ORIENT AND
THERE ARE NO REGULATIONS ON WHAT IS FED TO THESE FISH..
(recently a Montreal Gazette had an article by the Canadian Gov't how Chinese
feed the fish... they suspend the chicken wire crates over the fish ponds,
and the fish feed on chicken shxxt.
Canadian Government recommended and stressed NOT to buy any type of fish imported
from China.  If you search the Internet what the Chinese feed their fish you'll be alarmed,
eg. growth hormones, expired anti-biotics from humans, and never buy any type of fish
or shellfish that comes from these countries...Vietnam, China, Philipines.)
Check this out personally.  I did..
ALSO WATCH FOR PICKLES. A LOT OF THE NO-NAME PICKLES COME FROM INDIA .
BICK'S HAVE RECENTLY CEASED OPERATIONS IN CANADA   -- 
DON'T BUY THEM .


 
Another example was in canned mushrooms. No-Name brand came from Indonesia.
Next to them were
President Choice brand. Produce of Canada!!
The P. C. went into my grocery bag.
 
Also check those little fruit cups we give our children.
They use to be made here in Canada in the Niagara region until about 2 years ago....
They are now packaged in China!!!!
While the Chinese, export inferior and even toxic products and dangerous toys and goods
to be sold in North American markets, the media wrings its hands and criticizes
the Obama Administration (and the Harper Government!) for perceived errors.

Yet 70% of North Americans believe that the trading privileges afforded to the Chinese
should be suspended!!

 
Well, duh.. Why do you need the government to suspend trading privileges? 
 
 SIMPLY DO IT YOURSELF CANADA /US!!
Simply look on the bottom of every product you buy, and if it says
'Made in China' or 'PRC' (and that now includes Hong Kong),
simply choose another product, or none at all.


You will be amazed at how dependent you are on Chinese products,
and you will be equally amazed at what you can do without. 

 

Who needs plastic eggs to celebrate Easter? If you must have eggs,
use real ones and benefit some North American farmer.
Easter is just an example; the point is not waiting for the government to act..
Just go ahead and assume control on your own. 
  Canadian Thermos bottles were made here for many years..
Thermos sold out in the 1990's and now the bottles,
those that keep our food warm or cold are now made in CHINA.
We lost---about 200 jobs! 

 
THINK ABOUT THIS, If 200 million North Americans refuse to buy just $20 each of Chinese goods,
that's a billion dollar trade imbalance resolved in our favour....fast!! 
 
 The downside? Some Canadian/American businesses will feel a temporary pinch from
having foreign stockpiles of inventory.


Just one month of trading losses, will hit the Chinese for 8%, of their
North American exports. Then they will at least have to ask themselves
if the benefits of their arrogance and lawlessness were worth it..

START NOW and don’t stop.

Send this to everybody you know. Let's show them that we are intelligent Canadians/Americans, and NOBODY can take us for granted.

If we can't live without cheap Chinese goods for one month out of our lives,
WE DESERVE WHAT WE GET!
Pass it on, North America!!     I DID!!

Friday, January 20, 2012

The Week Has Worn Me Down Like A Pencil

You will be EXTREMELY tired on the Monday, Wednesday and Friday
of EACH AND EVERY WEEK



Dig my horoscope for today:

Today, karen, you're probably feeling especially sexy and passionate. Don't be surprised if you find yourself browsing through catalogues with luxurious underwear or delicate fabrics! Erotic novels could also be very appealing to you. If you're currently involved, you'll probably want to spend the evening alone with your partner. If you aren't, don't be surprised if you pull in someone new! Either way, you'll probably attract admiring glances from strangers you pass on the street.

As freaking if.

Catalogues with luxurious underwear.  Pppffft.

I'm re-writing this thing, RIGHT NOW.

Tonight, karen, you're feeling exceptionally burnt out.  You will have reached your zenith of intolerance over children constantly shouting questions from other rooms.  You will employ a new rule over this that says 'if you want to talk to someone and he/she is in another room, you must actually GO to that room and ask her/him in person.'  


You probably were forced to go get groceries at a really retarded hour on a Friday night because you were out of MORE THAN ONE KEY ITEM, and if you plan to go bargain trolling through thrift stores with your sister tomorrow, you have no choice but to go to the heinous and evil Wal of Evil to get those groceries on a Friday night.  


You had an upset tummy all week, and yesterday you may have had a mild but nagging pain in your right side ALL DAY.  You concluded you had the following ailments:


1) a strangulated organ
2) ovarian cancer (duh, you always think that)
3) pancreatic cancer


No worries karen, it is probably just air bubbles caught in a mangled inner part of your body after they yanked out your gallbladder.

You have embarked on your 2 week PMS bloat, so your tummy is sticking out.  You'll feel a strong urge to just wear the same cream coloured cotton shirt and black yoga pants today, because--f*ck it--choosing new outfits every day is both pointless,tedious and exhausting.  



Tonight at dinner you were still nauseated by food, so you made fish sticks and broccoli for your daughter, and a tuna sandwich for yourself, because The Man was out of town.

Earlier in the week, there may have been a power outage in your area.  This may or may not have wiped out the last 2 messages from your MOTHER on your answering machine, left not long before she died, which you managed to keep on there for nearly 2 years.  



This will send you into a tailspin of bummer-dom

Take a break from those black yoga pants.  Yes, they are the most comfortable pants known to MAN, and yes, they're a nice break from your jeans, but every day is a little much, don't you think?  



Go outside and get some fresh air.  Laundry is a job, not an accomplishment.  



Monday, January 16, 2012

I'm TAGGED, You're THRILLED




So, I was tagged by the charming and lovely Ms. Jessica B. at Jessee's Spot...ages ago.  Sorry Jessica. Well, a long while at least.  I'm brutal for getting to ANYTHING in a timely manner though, and I don't know if I love these things anyway, as they force me to SELF ANALYSE.  


Oh well.  Onward.  


The rules of this thing are:

1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them that you've tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about ‘you are tagged if you are reading this.’ blah blah blah, you actually have to tag 11 peeps!

11 Random Things About Me:



1. it takes me AGES AND AGES AND AGES to get to ANYTHING other than what I happen to want to blog about that day.  Dishes, cleaning, laundry, favours to friends--yeah, either be prepared to wait endlessly or CUT ME OFF, people.  


2. I hate it when anyone touches my nose.  Don't touch it.  Don't pinch it. Definitely don't pinch it.  I have no idea why you need to touch my nose.


3. I think Gene Wilder was so dreamy in "Blazing Saddles"


4. I can't sleep on my left side for long periods of time ever since I was a young teenager.  It aches after a while and feels like the organs have been squeezed.


5. there's this lidded dish with leftover mashed potatoes at the bottom of my fridge, waaaaay in the back and I can't remember how long it's been there, but I'm patiently waiting for THE MAN to get that f*cking thing out.  


6. I will never go see a horror movie with you.  


7. Space is so, so boring.  Don't even bother talking to me about black holes and asteroids on a crash course for Earth.  


8. I'm sick of colouring my hair


9. Names that I don't know how to pronounce IMMEDIATELY drive me up the freaking wall.  Like that last name "Gough."  Is it Goff?  Go?  Goo?  Goog?!?!


10. Jell-o freaks me out.  It's so disgusting when you think about it, and can only come from ONE SOURCE, PEOPLE:  ANIMALS.  Blech.  So, one day someone boiled up a ham hock until it fell apart and gelatinized, and they decided "this would be YUMMY with some CHERRY FLAVOURING!"  


gross.


11. I'm a massive, monstrous introvert


OK, so here are the questions I'm s'posed to answer:

1. What is your idea of a perfect date?

Dating?!?  What is that?  Wait...you've given up too easily, karen.  Concentrate...
a really good dinner that's not filling to the point of all-night-gas-a-thon, with yummy cocktails!  Oh! Oh!  Maybe some appetizer that's set on fire!  Yeah!


2. What would you consider your specialty as far as cooking is concerned?

My macaroni and cheese kicks so much ass.  I don't know why you haven't made it.  The recipe is right at the bottom of the blog.  

My pie would make you wet your pants.  Yeah, you heard me right.


3. Who do you admire and why?

My son.  He relinquishes his need to control his whole universe every day just by going to school. Also he's an amazing artist, and a very sweet person besides.

My daughter.  She is the happiest, huggiest, most content little soul I know.  I hope she doesn't become the girl I turned into at 15.  


4. If you could go back in time and change the outcome of one event in your life, what would it be?

I would let them induce me when I was so many days past my due date with Jack--either that or demand a c-section before I reached the 3 hour mark trying to push that kid out, while his heart rate kept dipping.


5. What is one regret?

When I didn't transfer all my poems to an internet email addy before my diskette f*cked itself. 
  

6. What do you consider yourself:  a city, country or beach person?

None of the above.  I like my small town with it's crappy pot-hole filled roads, and near total lack of pretentiousness.


7.  Have you ever met anyone considered famous?

I met Debra DiGiovanni at a comedy club a couple of years ago. 


8.  What are the top 5 most played songs on your iPod?



* Love You Madly by Ella Fitzgerald (it's the best version I could find..but it's er..set to a video for someone's doggie who passed away)




9.  What is your favorite quote?

"This is my simple religion.  There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy.  Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."

-Dalai Lama


10. What was the worst job you ever had?

Cashier at the casino.  That sucked LARGE.  Seriously--why are people so heinously rude?!?!?!? And ohmygod--what's with shitting your pants? 


11. If money were no object, what one thing would you splurge on for yourself?

I'd totally make my bedroom pretty.  Bye bye wood-free cheap crap Sears bedroom furniture!!!


Now I'm supposed to invent 11 questions of my own and tag 11 somebody elses.  Nuts to that. I hate rules. Let's see how many questions I can come up with.  

1. What is your favourite kind of pasta?

2. how many people did you meet in your life who were really good kissers?

3. what is your favourite book of all time

4. what have you done that you are most proud of?

5. if you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?

6. how many pairs of your underpants are actually doctor-worthy at this point in time?

7. What movie really, really, really made you cry?


There. 11 is bullshit.  7 is just right.  OH, and these questions are for YOU, the lovely people who actually suffered through this post!  Enjoy!






Saturday, January 14, 2012

Why Does This Bother You?

Okay, I've had it.  I try not to be too political here in blog land, but I do have strong opinions on some things.  Today I'm thinking about TOLERANCE.  Come on, can't we all just be fwends???

There are a lot of people in the world, and we all really do have to live together to a certain extent.  I was going to also ramble on about why we feel a need to laugh at that poor morbidly obese person we see when we're out, or the person who is wearing what you think is an INSANE outfit and about who never did ANYTHING to bother or hurt us, but instead, I'll just focus myself for now.

I want to talk about GAY MARRIAGE.  Only for a minute or two.

This is from Wikipedia:


  On July 20, 2005, Canada became the fourth country in the world and the first country in the Americas to legalize same-sex marriage nationwide with the enactment of the Civil Marriage Act which provided a gender-neutral marriage definition. Court decisions, starting in 2003, each already legalized same-sex marriage in eight out of ten provinces and one of three territories, whose residents comprised about 90% of Canada's population.


BOO YAH, CANADA!

A friend of mine is going through some legal bullshittery right now.  It is convoluted, but one of the issues at hand is how gay marriage, and families therein are viewed in the eyes of the law in the United States.  Imagine:  same country, but there are many states in which same sex unions have been vetoed, or the decision to allow is still pending.

I'm paraphrasing here, but someone had emailed him and said that while he/she does not agree with gay marriage, he/she still hopes everything will work out happily.

I have also had conversations with people who were up in arms about gay marriage.  They were very displeased that it would be allowed at all.  It would RUIN the whole definition of marriage, they insisted.   A marriage is a sacred, and marvelous, and romantic, and infallible institution between a STRAIGHT man, and a STRAIGHT woman.

But they're right.  Marriage is AWESOME.  Only STRAIGHT PEOPLE know how to do it correctly.  Nobody ever gets divorced, right?


Three failed marriages and counting! Marriage is FUN!!  (source)

Marriage is like, super cool awesome!  We were married for 14 whole months!
That's almost an eternity, right?  (source)


Longest  TWO MONTHS of our lives!!! (source)

Okay, so that was easy.

So, what exactly is going to happen when gay people everywhere can finally get married?  Is your marriage going to *POOF !* disappear?  Will you have to tell everyone you had a STRAIGHT marriage, just so they don't get confused?  Are they going to make straight people everywhere nullify their marriages, so gay people can have a turn?  Is your relationship with your partner going to feel "less special" now?  Is your neighbourhood going to be BOMBARDED with tedious gay newlyweds?  Are you going to HAVE to go to GAY WEDDINGS all the damn time now?

(I bet they'd have better music after dinner...)

Are those wedding dress reality shows going to be RUINED now when they feature two men getting married, or two women?

Okay karen, that's enough ideas.

But gay people have always made you uncomfortable.  You've always hated images like this:




You think it's lewd and offensive.  Fine, I can dig that. Maybe these two guys are total TOOLS.  I mean, do you really need to make your point in your underwear?  I'm going to say no, you make a better point and have more credibility nicely attired.

Do you know what really offends me?








Come on girls, get your whipped cream titty gun bras on!






Oh look--they can share!  Good girls!


Things will improve, my gay friends.  It's taken you THIS LONG just to get a toe in the door of rational and compassionate.



As always, my friend, you gots to crank that shit UP!

Give Peace a Chance by John L on Grooveshark

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