Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Thursday, June 28, 2012

There's a Reason This Blog Is Called "ANGST"

EXCELLENT timing by the way, nasty virus.  KUDOS


There's a reason you may have noticed I've been scarce this week; not responding to comments, not visiting your blogs, being generally M.I.A.

but, not the sexy kind of M.I.A. like this:

hey everyone!  LET'S DANCE!

Paper Planes by M.I.A. on Grooveshark

Wow!  That was FUN!

Oh wait, I don't feel any better.

Okay, so this is pretty much more stress than I can take.  Ella is covered in a rash, with a throat so sore when she eats or drinks anything, it feels like everything is "burning."  At first I thought she just had a bad cold, that was making her eczema worse.

And then the rash got really bad!

Please.  Please can someone get that song out of my head?
It's been stuck in there for DAYS and I can't take it anymore!!!

So, off to the doctor she went, and he thinks she has "hand, foot and mouth disease."   I pretty much agree that that's what it must be.  So, it's a nasty virus that has to run its course.

Big deal, right?  Kids get viruses. Sure, they gets lots of viruses and nasty little yucks because they put their PEE PEE KA KA HANDS ON EVERY THING and they SHUN SOAP.  AND THEN THEY PUT THEIR FECAL COLIFORM HANDS IN THEIR LITTLE YAPS AND THEY SLURP THOSE GERMS UP.

Fine, fine.  We know all about this as parents.  Only, there's a couple of problems. First, today is the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL.  Ella is missing it.  She also missed yesterday.  And I'm so exhausted that I did not make it out to get the teachers any little token of my appreciation.

Oh, and see this dress?

crappy quality photos courtesy of my crappy, but adorable pink cell phone

THIS is Ella's FLOWER GIRL DRESS.  We have a family wedding to go to on Sunday.

S   U   N   D   A   Y

It's an hour out of town.  Ella's dress is gorgeous.  Jack has a little rental tuxedo.  The Man is THE BEST MAN.  I have a really cute little black dress and...and..

SPARKLY SHOES, PEOPLE.  I HAVE SPARKLY SHOES.  I have shoes so good that I can't wait to unveil them to you.  And, I have a lot of BLING to wear!


Not that much bling...but I have a lot of bling.  

So, we never get to go anywhere and do couple-y things.  Hell, we have CHILDREN, THAT'S THE WAY IT BE'S.  I don't know when will be the next time I get to work my SEXY DISCO look.  My dad had even planned to drive up to Suburban Hell, pick up the kids, and bring them back home so The Man and I could actually enjoy the reception.  

All kinds of fun relatives from England are here!  They were coming over tonight for a party.  Right now I have TWO pots of Italian sausage, meatballs and sauce waiting to be poured into bags to go into the FREEZER, because our house is filled with THE PLAGUE and nobody's coming now.  

Okay, that's enough talk. We'll see what happens I guess.  Right now I think I'll go have some Doritos and that last MAGIC PILL for breakfast.  

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Ella's Art 2 !!!

You already know that my son Jack draws all the time, right?  

WHAT?!?  YOU DIDN'T KNOW?  Oh dear.  Now you have to scroll down and find the links to his art on the right side bar of my blog.  

Okay.  So now you know that my son Jack draws all the time, right?  And that means when he's not eating, sleeping or listening to music.  Oh, and he rides his bike after dinner, but other than that--he's drawing.  

And my 5 year old daughter Ella?!?  She has been BITTEN BY THE ART BUG TOO.  That kid draws all the time.  


And, she draws on everything.  She draws pictures, she tapes art everywhere.  She's constantly plastering stickers on things, even though I've told her through clenched teeth again and again to NOT PUT STICKERS ON THE WALLS.  She went through every roll of scotch tape we had in the house, hanging art and creating arty things.  She's now moved on to the roll of that green tape you use when you're painting rooms.  

She plasters her art everywhere I will tolerate.  She has drawn on herself, her bedroom walls, her dresser, the living room rocking chair, and with a (thankfully) washable marker, she turned her little cousin into a "kitty" one day.  

She asked me if I was "colourful" when I was a kid, one day.  I said sometimes I was colourful, and sometimes I was grey.  She said; "that's funny! Sometimes you were grey, but I'm ALL COLOURFUL."  

Interpret that as you will.  

She hates her clothes to be matchy matchy, she hates hairdos on dolls, and if she had her way, STUFF would be taped together all over the house.  

It was the last straw when she drew on the rocking chair recently.  But, suddenly I realised I was receiving the ULTIMATE PAYBACK from KARMA.  

When I was Ella's age, I drew on my bedroom wall, drew a picture of my face on my pillow case so it would look like I was still in bed, took a black felt marker and outlined ALL the flowers on the "GOOD LIVINGROOM" gold velvet couch, and when I drew on the end table in the GOOD LIVING ROOM, that was the last straw.  

My Mom was NOT happy.  

And do you know all those moments you have when you screech at your kids how you can't wait until they have a daughter or son one day JUST LIKE THEY ARE?


Anyhow, sit back and enjoy Ella's art.

The above pics are not the clearest, but I thought you guys should see what Ella did to her room one day.  Even though it hurt me a teeny bit more than it hurt her, I let her watch as I scrubbed it off with some cleaner and a sponge.  (I saved the bit you see in the last picture though).

this is my bedroom door

"Lily the Raccoon"

A girl lion with a flea

"Jack Ray" the robot house, who shoots laser beams out of his eyes

Ella was so freaking excited for barbecued burgers with my family
on Father's Day that she had to create this "After High School" Party
poster.  Only Ella understands the connection.

One night when The Man was at work, I was heating up a frozen
lasagna, with garlic bread and a caesar salad.  Ella thought this
was SO EXCITING that she had to draw up a picture to advertise
Ella and Mom's Restaurant and plastered it on the kitchen door

this interesting lady is on the fridge

Ella's bedroom door

Jimmy Two Shoes is from a cartoon she loves

we were looking at some pictures of Terry Fox online.  Ella had eyes as wide
as saucers and then quietly disappeared to draw up this pic of him with his metal leg, and face filled with effort 

House On Fire?  BAD

House not on fire?  GOOD.  See the checkmark to show us that it's good???


"Jasmin the winter robin"

Sad Vampire Mom wringing her hands

typical happy Ella art

Monday, June 18, 2012

This Orange Pop Will Be My Undoing

I'm f*cking delicious

This orange pop--this stupid ORANGE POP!  What the hell is it made out of?  CRACK?!?!

Oh my god.  I haven't had ORANGE POP in years.  I can't even remember the last time I had orange pop.  Hell--we hardly even drink pop around here anymore.  In the good old days, we always had a case of coke down the basement, but then I stopped drinking it with McDonks a long time ago.  I stopped having it with popcorn, burgers, hotdogs, chips and all the other salty best friends that went with it.  The Man stopped drinking it too.

It's not like we were CRAZEE or anything--maybe on a stupid, hot day, we'd crack open a can of coke.  Then the only time I drank it was when it was lovingly paired with WHISKY.

still one of the coolest ice cube trays EVER

but then, as I entered the AUTUMN OF MY LIFE (A.K.A the big 4-OH),  that magical combination of booze and cola did weird, stupid things to my body, and made my heart do a fancy little caffeine jig at the scariest hour of them all (4 AM). So, now I have to have bullshit cocktails like vodka and lemonade.  Oh sure, they're good and all, but they are no whisky and coke.

So why do we have this delicious, stupid, irresistible orange pop?  Well, let me tell you.

My son, the relentless dictator that he is, has suddenly become obsessed with FANTA.

Some little wiener in his class brings a can of f*cking Fanta in his lunch bag every day.

And I ask you:  what dirt bag, hose head of a parent lets their grade 2 kid bring a can of POP to school every day?  Waaait a minute....don't get started with; 'but karen, the only thing little Billy will drink is POP, and don't you think that it's better if he have that can of pop than NOTHING?"  

No.  No, I do not.  So go back to your kitchen and continue making that CREAMED CORN WHITE WONDERBREAD CASSEROLE you were planning on serving up to your kids--you know, the little people in your house whose TEETH ARE FALLING OUT?!?

Yeah.  Don't tell me that your kids don't eat, so they can have pop.  My son brings cinnamon toast and two different kinds of cookies to school every motherfrickin day, and he washes that down with CHOCOLATE MILK.  Yeah, THAT'S what a desperate parent serves.  YA  DIG?!?

Sorry.  I have very, very, very strong feelings about children drinking pop.  I don't think there's a toddler around who needs to be drinking that shit out of a sippy cup, even if you call it a 'TREAT' so SAVE IT.

Oh right, so anyway, this kid has pop every day.  Jack is fascinated.  And, because Jack's  a spectrum kid, he's FIXATED.

Can we get some FANTA?  When can we get some FANTA?  Mom, after school tomorrow, can we go to the store to find some FANTA? Where do they sell FANTA?  Did you get the FANTA Mom?  WHEN can we get some FANTA?  I want to bring FANTA in my lunch too!  WHY can't I bring FANTA in my lunch?

So I know that the Wal of Evil sells Fanta.  I refused to buy a case of the stuff, so I brought him home a bottle of cream soda.  Luckily, because I'm MILITANT, my kids hate pop.  Of course the biggest problem was that I brought home CREAM SODA (also delicious), and not ORANGE flavour.


The Man?  He doesn't know.  He brought home generic grocery store brand "ORANGE SODA."  Yeah, he doesn't know.  He does this all the time.  Even though I have told him; IF THEY DON'T HAVE IT, BRING NOTHING HOME.


We cracked that baby open, and I tipped it back and took a sip and


This doesn't happen to me!  And it's not like there's any distraction in the TV room.  I mean, seriously, The Man?  Do ALL the shows you like have to suck?  Is there really NOTHING else on beside that FISH GUY?

Yeah.  "River Monsters."  I know.  I'd never, ever, ever
choose that to watch either.  

I have to ask it again.  I know it's MONDAY, but honestly, there has to be something on to watch other than that English guy who searches for the biggest, ugliest, most repellent fish in the bog.

Because I hate fish.  Oh yes. I do.  Fish are horrifying.  If I was floating around in a lake and THIS

or this

or THIS floated past

I would LOSE it.

And if I was ever in the middle of this?

I'd shit my bathing suit, right then and there.

Stupid fish.

So, I was trying to distract myself from the ORANGE POP with TRISCUITS, but they're deliciously SALTY and they kept FORCING ME to go back and have ANOTHER SWIG OF ORANGE POP.

And THAT my friends is not how I BRING MY A-GAME.  No.  That is how I bring my D-GAME.  Do you think Jillian Michaels would have ANYTHING nice to say about me DRINKING ORANGE POP?

I mean, why not just flush ALL MY EFFORT down the toilet.  Recently I bought this:


and I did it for the first time yesterday, and LET ME TELL YOU, I have sore muscles right under the hoots.  You know:  that nether-land at the top of your abs, where it's the strip of meat that covers the top of your ribs, right under the breast bone?  Well, THAT'S what hurts today!  So I have to keep pausing and leaning back in my chair and rubbing my own sore MEAT, and I have a question:

***Um, Jillian?  Yes, hello, it's me, karen Somethingorother.  I have four of your dvd's now, and I think I'm going to enjoy this Six Week Six Pack thing, and by ENJOY, I mean "TOLERATE", but I don't understand what the point of working  that strip of KAREN that's right under my tittehs  is?  I mean, that's not part of the six pack.  What--am I going to get that part in wicked good shape, and that's just the spot where my hooters GET STUCK every night when I rip that heinous bra off and throw it to the floor unless I take my t-shirt and TUCK it under my jugs?


My god.  That orange pop.  It's so magical.  It's fizzy and sweet and it tastes like CHILD HOOD.  Yes, they bottled and captured the essence of CHILDHOOD, and made it the bright orange colour of happiness!  SNIFF!

Please, someone...I need help.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

In My Garden

Come on...let's go in my back yard.

One of my small gardens is crammed with colour right now! 

Yellow and pink roses, purple salvia, golden coreopsis, pale pink peonies

I wish you could smell these yellow roses.  

These pink, old fashioned roses have no scent.  Funny.  Luckily they're so beautiful.  

I'm not a big fan of annuals at all.  I have very few around my house.  Perennials all the way!  Why don't more people choose to plant flowers that actually attract honey bees??? 

White Salvia

I'm never stressed in my garden.  I don't worry about anything.  I just pull weeds, trim off spent blooms, water the flowers and let my mind wander...

Sweet William

I can't believe how much patience gardening requires.  If you plant a tiny perennial this year, you'll have to wait until NEXT YEAR for it to be better.  If you buy a plant that's already finished flowering this year, you'll have to wait to see how it will look NEXT YEAR.  If your tulips were crap this year, oh well.  Better luck NEXT YEAR.  

stunning, right?

Do you grow anything?  If you don't, why not?  We need beauty in our own little corners of the world.  Start small.   

Then you too will be able to have THIS on YOUR shelf:

and you can even put that scrumptious, beautifully perfumed bouquet in your own little antique silver cup, which you bought for three dollars from Value Village.  

Monday, June 11, 2012

It's Bad, But I like It.

You know,


oooooh yeah:  you

and DEFINITELY you too.

Yeah, I like fancy cheese too.  You know; the good stuff.  I like your basic block of grocery store cheddar as well, but I love plastic cheese.  I think it's delicious.  I could go to town on it...just like THIS:

I also love GARBAGE MEAT


I freaking LURV hot dogs.  I don't care what kind of snouts and endtrails and hooves and beaks and whatever shit you urban legend lovers claim they're made with.  I think they are delicious.  I could eat them at least twice a week.

Oh, and this is the KING OF ALL HOT DOGS:

the MOTHERFROCKING CHILI DOG WITH PROCESSED CHEESE.  See how it just masterfully incorporated two of my favourite things at once?

I also love this guy:

BUH-LOG-NA???  What the hell is that?!?  It's BALONEY, AND IT'S DELICIOUS, and my Mom NEVER bought it for us, because she thought it was garbage.

My Mom also never bought this:

She thought it was too "bland". We grew up with Miracle Whip, which is fine, but it doesn't make me want to curl up with it and spoon it straight into my yap.  Like Mayonnaise does.

But I love all those mayonnaise-y kinds of dressings and dips.  I love that Caesar salad dressing.  I want to put that on everything.  I don't put it on everything, but I want to.

Oh, and if you know me at all by now, you know that I freak out for these:

sniff--I'm getting all verklempt

I love them so much, I even made the lamest, cheapest video ever as a tribute to them.

But, it's not just that I love junk food, deep down in my secret heart,  I love other things too.

I love a good, filthy book:

Oh Jamie Fraser...

and I like books that are even dirtier than that one.  Sometimes I like books that are almost entirely dedicated to smut.

this fell out of my arm-load of books at the library
one time.  Some guy, walking in with his daughter
bent down to pick it up for me.

If there's no smut by the 10th page in, I'm not interested.


that's what I feel like reading.

Yeah, I read "good books" too, but sometimes I also like a super easy, fun read:

better than the series, IMO

Ooo!  You know what else I really like?

"The Afternoon Nap" by William Edward Millner

I love taking a nap on a sunny day in the afternoon--ESPECIALLY if it's a day so beautiful, it's an absolute sin to be inside sleeping.

Sometimes, when the kids and The Man are gone out, I love to be on the computer almost the entire time they're gone.

Even if it's ALL DAY.


And when I'm on the computer?  Sometimes I head straight to Youtube, find the Karaoke Channel, and belt out terrible, shitty songs like THIS:

I'm thinking of making DORITOS NACHOS sometime.


It's probably BAD, but I'm pretty sure I'll like it.

What are some of your guilt-less, bad  pleasures???


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