Sometimes life kicks you right in the poodle.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

karen Does The Decades: THE NINETIES!!

Hey Everyone!  It's a BRAND NEW YEAR!

So, what better time to look back on the style and makeup of the past decades?  Okay, actually I've just had this idea stuck in my head for ages about recreating the makeup from the past, because it's winter, and I'm trapped in the house, and it will be FUN!

So, since we're already IN the OH-OH'S (I created that term myself.  You like?  Maybe it will go VIRAL), I thought I'd start instead with


THE NINETIES.

SHUDDER.

You know, the EIGHTIES takes a lot of flack from people.  Everyone's always dumping on the eighties; the fashion, the music, the garish colours, etc, but NOBODY ever talks about THE NINETIES.

That's right. As everyone's all shit-talking the eighties, the nineties quietly sneak under the radar, relieved that nobody realizes that they were actually WORSE.

So come on!  Let's go back to THE NINETIES!


I'll Be There For You by Rembrandts on Grooveshark


 Ew! It's the 90's! The music is gross, the fashion is yuck, and flammable polyester has made a huge come-back--and not in a good way.

So here's me, in the photie below, with my usual non-style, style.  I like to think of it as, "just enough effort to not look like a hag."  Har har.

Incidentally, I'm at a hair colour crossroads.  On one hand I'm completely sick of colouring my hair, dealing with roots, and dumping CHEMICALS ALL OVER MY HEAD.  On the other hand, is it mousey?

Whatever.

So this is me, pre-makeup.





So, if you recall, the 90's was all about the super thin, hideous eyebrow.  And if it was shaped like a clowny-clown semi-circle, even better.

So, what I'm going for here, is the look of a totally over-plucked eyebrow.  Hard to tell in the photie, unfortunately.





Next, you'll want to coat your face with foundation.  MATTE foundation.  And, you'll probably be using a SPONGE.  I never use a sponge to put on foundation these days.

OH, and don't think you should ever wash that freaking sponge.  The grimier the better.  After all, this is the 90's and you use whatever cheap garbage you can get your hands on.


eeew...



COAT THAT FACE!

There. All coated.


Next, you're going to want to line your upper and lower lids with EYELINER.  And don't be thinking you're going to use BLACK EYELINER.  HELLZ NO.  It is THE 90'S, and since each subsequent decade is a reaction to the previous, there will be NO garish, bright, unnatural colours.

No.

You will only use EARTH TONES, like brick and brown, and some brown-y mauve, etc.

Even your mascara must be brown. You might go as far as black/brown, but let's not go crazy.

all lined up with the brown eyeliner.


And the same goes for blush, DAMMITT.  You must use some bricky, orangey, brown kind of colour.


does the blush look any different from my naturally blotchy face?  Hrm...


Coat the hell out of your face with pressed powder.  You need a COMPLETELY MATTE look.  NO SHINE!  SHINE IS BAD!



Next, you must line those lips with a SUPER POINTY, WELL-SHARPENED lip pencil.  Wait...it's darker than your lipstick...OH WAIT! THAT'S OKAY! IT'S THE 90'S and that disgusting look is IN!

Oh...and don't forget to put a little foundation on your lips first. It'll help your lipstick last longer.  Because your lipstick should never come off in the 90's.  Never.



ew.

Now, fill in your lipstick.  I have a poopy shade of browny...something called "Fawn."

Aren't you glad I've never listened to those boring experts who say you should always throw your old makeup away?

You're welcome.


oop...I see some shine on the face.  Better re-powder.


Okay, so lipstick's on, but there's one problem.  It's a bit shiny.

In the 90's, SHINE IS THE ENEMY.  You must not have a BIT of shine on your face, and definitely no shine on your lips.  So, you actually mush your blush brush around through that pressed powder, and apply it over your lipstick.

It helps to make the SMOOCHY face before you apply that powder, so you can emphasize all the natural lines in your lips.


mwah!
And now comes the worst part: THE HAIR.  Oh, the stupid hair.  Straight hair was super in.  Now, part it in the middle.




That was not the middle.  I was almost phyically incapable of finding THE MIDDLE.  Try again.

Yes, that's better.  Oh, and those chunky bangs will have to go.  In the 90's, if you had bangs at all, they were WISP THIN.

No problem-o:  you can clip your hair back with some stupid ass little butterfly bobby pins.



heinous.

Don't style your bangs with your hair straightener though.  No.  You must give them a light curl with the curling iron.

Godz...I've almost forgotten quite how to do this!

Oh, curl your hair under and forward too, because you'll want to emphasize that haircut you got.  You know--you told the hairdresser to only layer it in the front?  Yeah.





Oh goody! Time to get dressed!  Do you have any completely sheer polyester  blouses with a little tank top to go underneath?  How about a ribbed polyester shirt in a nice burgundy colour?  Maybe a ribbed crop-top with a cowl neck?


WAIT!  HOW ABOUT SOME VELVET?!?  Yes!  THAT'S THE TICKET!

Just for you people, I have put on my burgundy velvet dress, circa 1998.


Oh, and don't forget the jewellery.  It must be as teeny tiny as possible. Some stupid, too-tight necklace with tiny little details and MATCHING earrings will do just fine.

Good thing I also kept some of that crap too.





There!  You're all set!

NOW GO OUT AND BE THE 90'S STAR THAT YOU ARE!




DIE GRUNGE, DIE!!!


Hey, I'll be there for YOU.



SO TELL ME WHATCHA WANT, WATCHA REALLY, REALLY WANT




It goes to show you NEVER can tell.  



27 comments:

  1. Am I glad I'ma guy or what!! Kinda unfair I think that gals have to go through all this and we, guys, get kinda off scott-free! Where's the justice! But hey Karen, you gals have all the fun and can 'change tings p' whenever you want!! I have probably already said too much......good post Karen. When I was a kid I used to love to watch my oldest sister putting on her make-up!! Go figure, it all makes sense to me now!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ...that would be 'change things up'.....

      Delete
    2. Yes Jim, you should feel glad that you escaped the fashion injustice of the 90's...that is unless you were a total GRUNGE fashion enthusiast...

      ew.

      Delete
    3. Get Jim to tell you about one Halloween...LOL!

      Delete
  2. OMG that was not my world at all in the 90s - I was a feral hippy 60s freak, driving around in my vintage car with enormous hair and flares and blaring Nirvana! So glad I missed this hideousness. Not that YOU are hideous, my love, of course, YOU are magnificent, no matter how hideous! Sarah xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have to be honest with you Sarah: I didn't do ALL the things I mentioned above. No wait...I powdered the hell out of my grill, powdered the hell out of my lipstick, had very thin bangs and had longer hair, but it was layered down the front.

      Oh, and I wore very high-waisted jeans and ugly polyester ribbed shirts.

      Yeah, you're right: hideous.

      Delete
  3. do you remember the "baby tee" under the sun dress and the overthe knee stockings? matt and i would call it "heidi wear". my thighs were always too fat for that fashion, oh well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wonderful, Paula! Wonderful! You brought up some things I had forgotten about. I never had the heidi wear either. I don't think we should feel regret about it though!

      Delete
  4. Bwahahahahaha! You do photoshop like no other, Woman! EEEEP! And uh, I confess, I was a little more on the high end punky side of things. I seem to recall many velvet bras worn with neoprene mini skirts, ankle skull boots with pointy toes and a kitten heel! And hats. I had the hat collection to end all hats.Jeebus if I dressed like that now, it'd scream old whore! Ha! No NINETIES!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. velvet bras! YES! UNDERWEAR AS OUTERWEAR. Wait--you didn't have shoes with super clunky square heels?
      Why am I picturing you as a backup dancer in an MC Hammer video??

      Delete
    2. Could have been, Babe! Could have been. It was a crazy time.

      Delete
  5. I love your pics!
    Maybe this is why I quit wearing make-up in the 90's?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah Ruth, it's a very good reason to quit wearing makeup!

      Delete
  6. You freaking nailed it! Also, remember chokers?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES!!! I forgot to put that in too. I had all kinds of stupid, ugly chokers.

      Delete
  7. You forgot the frizzed out fringe that was so popular in the early 90's! I never left home as a teenager unless my fringe added a good three inches to my height.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. waaaait a minute Kellie....were you actually holding on to your 80's bangs? Were you a heavy metal fan? Because, otherwise the bangs were thin and fairly useless!

      Delete
  8. And yet, mirabile dictu, Jennifer Aniston and Drew Barrymore look pretty good. How unfair.

    ReplyDelete
  9. oh my god, you've bought it all back. Remember the Bjork style hair? All mini poni tail things? awful. I love your 90s make over, it's perfect and hideous. But at least if you went back in time you could get a job as an extra on Diagnosis Murder xxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  10. Everyone in the office I worked in looked like that in the 90's, me included. So remember ribbed, stretch tops that were supposed to look like shirts but had no buttons. And shirt dresses. And wrap around dresses. And great big black platform soled shoes, like they were so feminine and attractive. Thanks for the memories!

    ReplyDelete
  11. i was so happy when 80's hair went out because my hair was absolutely MEANT to do the 90's hair flat thing. i had the serious part close to the middle with the bangs and loads of flatness except for the small bend at the ends, applied every so carefully with the little curling iron.
    then i went through a phase where i kept the makeup the same, but i started dressing in super huge clothes, including men's pants that were about 3 sizes too big. and great big flannels and timberland boots. this might have had something to do with me never wanting to date any white guys. i needed some flava in my love life.
    then i ditched the baggy and finished out the 90's in full skank mode. skirts that were so short, when i sat down, there was no fabric between my rear and the chair. bras as shirts? of course! thong showing, heck yeah! pierce me up and send me out. that's when i got tired of hair and shaved it off... the first time.

    ReplyDelete
  12. A wonderfully nostalgic makeover, Karen! I remember wearing baggy shirts with short skirts, crop blouses, t-shirts under stroppy floral dresses, and I definitely powdered my lipstick to make it super matte and stay on for DAYS! And there were clunky boots and shoes. And then a lot of low waisted hipster trousers... Oh good lord, what have you done, making me remember all that?! Still, I am determined not to feel embarrassed about any previous incarnation - it's OK, we were all doing it, there's no need to feel shame! xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  13. You forgot the white or cream tights with some kind of flower patterned shorts to wear with your velvet shirt (which is untucked), your Tea Rose perfume, and...

    Wait a minute. I think I did the jeans, combat boots, wife beater, flannel, and leather jacket in the 90's. I did powder my face though because SHINE WAS EVIL.

    These days, I let my face get so shiny it looks like it's been lacquered.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ermagerd!! As a child of the 90s, this post was FUN!

    Brown matte lips, ugh. And I totally had the pencil-thin brows too!

    ReplyDelete

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