Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Rant About Pants

How annoying.

Okay, so I've lost a bunch of weight in the past year.  I currently have an obsession.  A clothing obsession.  A shallow clothing obsession:  skinny jeans.


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shoes are good too

Ever since I walked into Old Navy about a month ago, and wondered "hrm...I wonder if I should even try these skinny jeans on...oh, what the hell," and tried on a pair, and admitted to the young sales girl that I'd never tried on a pair, and she said; "really?!! You look GREAT in those!"...yes, ever since then, something short-circuited in my brain, and now I'm obsessed.

Yes, I crammed the swaying, jelly wreckage of my mummy tummy into those jeans, and it looked pretty darn good.

There was only one problem--

no--actually, there were two:  ONE, my stupid legs are about as long as my arms, and they didn't have my size in SHORT.  Nothing like the sales girls calling across to each other, asking if they have your size in SHORT, even though, clearly, I am not short.  Meh.  Whatevs.  TWO:  if the waist band actually fits properly, and doesn't fall down, there is way, way, waaaaay too much muffin toppage.


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ermahgerd...delicious..

and you know, if you're young enough, and you've got that nice smooth skin, I don't even think a muffin top over your pants is that big a deal.

BUT

If your stomach, thanks to squeezing forth some children, now looks like a BEFORE picture in an ABDOMINOPLASTY ad, therein lies the problem.

So, to recap, you can either wear skinny jeans that are in constant danger of falling down, or you can have your lower half spilling over like so much unbaked bread dough.

I have been online googling.

For days I've been googling! I've been looking for "high waisted skinny jeans."  Or, "high rise skinny jeans, " or even 'hi rise skinny jeans.  Oh my god, I've even been looking for JEGGINGS.  F*CKING JEGGINGS. And not just any jeggings--no--HIGH WAIST JEGGINGS.  And this is all because I stumbled across an article saying that if you have a post baby body, you will fare better with HIGH WAIST GODDAMN SKINNY JEANS.

BUT GOOD LUCK.  GOOD FREAKING LUCK.  YOU CAN GO INTO EVERY STORE YOU WANT THAT SELLS THESE TRENDY SKINNY JEANS AND THE 20 YEAR OLD GIRL HELPING YOU, WILL VAGUELY COMPREHEND YOUR PROBLEM, BUT NOT REALLY.   She will,  however, tell you that they DID have high rise skinny jeans and high rise jeggings but they FLEW off the shelves.

Wait....you're not feeling me on this one.  You're thinking, karen, have you turned totally lame and shallow and stoopid?  The answer is kinda not.  But I do have the same problem I've always had: when I get a clothing VISION for an event, it NAGS at me until that vision is fulfilled.  So, that means, if I picture a certain pair of earrings with a certain shirt, I will hunt EVERYWHERE for that pair of earrings.

Yes, enormous first world problems.

So, what is my vision with the stupid skinny jeans?  First, I had this fantasy, before I went to Florida in March, of getting off the plane, wearing SKINNY JEANS and a sexy tank top, and maybe even a flower in my hair.  No skinny jeans.  But, in reality, I got off the fart-choked plane, and stepped into 100% humidity, my hair turned into a broom IMMEDIATELY, and I probably had some substantial pit stains happening.

I shelved the skinny jean dream.

That is, until I bought tickets for the

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look at her! Glowing with sexy, angry gorgeousness. I didn't go on the 26th, but I AM going VERY SOON! SQUEE!!!!

THE JILLIAN MICHAELS MAXIMIZE YOUR LIFE TOUR!!

And I, probs like every other Jillian-ite who will be in the audience, who has suffered through her workout vids, want to be there at that show looking BADASS in skinny jeans.  BADASS in skinny jeans, and not shlumpy in the only pair of  faded wash bullshit jeans I wear every single day.  Jeans which actually only fit properly now when I wash them and run them through the drier.  Jeans that have distinctive bling on the ass, so that anyone who walks behind me each day, as I walk my kids to school, will be able to say; "hey, there's those saggy ass jeans again, snicker, snicker."

So, I have a renewed VISION and it included some dark rinse skinny jeans and this shirt:

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www.rickis.com

this little bolero style cardi

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also from ricki's dot comn


an arm full of sparkly gold bangles



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hm.com


some fierce, gold dangly earrings which I can't find a freaking pic of

gold flip flops


Ardene.com


and a vintage gold bag I got at a second-hand store


nevermind the bracelet and necklace in this pic.  Vintage-savvy girlfriends: tell me how I would describe this little purse thingy in proper vintage-y terms!!

So you see, clearly there are so many important things going on in my life.  Everything was falling into place for my outfit vision...except the stupid freaking jeans.

I went out tonight and tried on a lot of jeans.  Twelve pairs of jeans in fact.  I went to two different stores, and then finally ended up at Wal-hell.

Wal-hell was actually the worst part.  I hate them.  I hate them so hard.  I hate them because they're SHIT, but I still always always always ALWAYS end up back there at some point.  I curse you Wal-hell!   So I was in there, trying on like, seven pairs of stupid jeans, and this is where I lost my love of skinny jeans pretty much entirely.  Why?  Well, because these mythical HIGH RISE SKINNY JEANS that will hide my mom junk are a UNICORN, okay??  They don't exist.  They are the Loch Ness Monster of denim.  So, I am left with all the other stupid skinny jeans, which are low slung, right down to the hair line.

Not only that, but I had two pairs of the same brand of jeans at Wal-hell, and they were supposed to be the same size, and one fit nicely, and the other one I couldn't even do up.  I want to rant, and complain, but at Wal-hell, there is NOBODY to complain to, because there is not a single person there who gives a shit.  In truth, you will never, ever ever be able to find a person within the entire corporation who gives a shit.  Maybe if you went to the third world country and found the sweat shop and the poor souls who have to stitch the freaking jeans, maybe then you could say; "hey guys, can you make sure there's some sort of quality control and that if two pairs of women's pants are supposed to be the same size, that they actually ARE?"  THANKS, I KNOW YOU ONLY GET PAID LIKE TWO DOLLARS A YEAR, BUT I NEED TO LOOK GOOD FOR THE JILLIAN MICHAELS SHOW.

As I was shuffling in and out of all these stupid, teenagerish pants, they kept trying to drag my baffed out underwear down with them.  And let me tell you something:  not only did I learn that shopping for jeans is STILL PURE HELL, I'm also completely sick of having a hole in nearly ever pair of gitch I own.  Because as my underpants kept getting dragged down, revealing my scrotum-esque Mummy tummy, they also revealed the stupid, faded pink, cotton underpants with the big RUN in the front, with all the bush poking through.  Yes, that's right.  I said it.  Bush poking through.  And it was then, that I got out of the change room, threw the ONE PAIR OF BOOTCUT GUT SUPPORTING WOMAN JEANS that actually made me look like the hawt babe I'm meant to be into the cart, and I wheeled over to the underwear section where I  bought two frigging packages of underpants, and MARK MY WORDS, I am going to throw out all the other holey ancient gitches I own tomorrow.

And then, because all that squeezing in and out of pants, and bush spillage and dough toppage, and battling against camel toes and all the other ridiculousness, my normally decent self esteem flushed itself down the toilet, and I found myself at home self-medicating with a handful of corn chips and some of that plastic Mexican-ish pourable cheese in a jar (I also have the PMS), and let me tell you, it's a damn good thing The Man ate 3/4 of the bag AND the plastic cheese, because that stuff is shit, and if you actually microwave it, as it says on the side of the jar, it tastes

MORE GROSSER.  MUCH, MUCH MORE GROSSER.

Disgusting.

And THAT, my friends, is all I have to say about THAT.

35 comments:

  1. Have you tried "going over the river"? The Old Navy at the factory outlet there will surely have what you are looking for.

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    1. no, I haven't! Thanks for the tip. I never go shopping in the U.S. funnily enough.

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  2. I hate to laugh at your misery but you make it impossible!
    The miracle you are looking for is Spanks support-wear. That support-wear, or anything similar, even control-top hose, squeezes one into almost any preprogrammed shape. AND, high-waisted jeans are apparently coming back... ? Don't despair.

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    1. I'm considering going back to the maternity store for pants. Built-in gentle spanx, no muffin top. Ahhhh...

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    2. I have some of that support-wear, Melanie! I'd better dig it out, methinks :) Nah, I'll just let it all hang out. Who cares? The mystery is GONE!

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    3. frammitz, those maternity pants were freaking COMFORTABLE. That nice, soft, huggy panel in the front....aaaaah....

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  3. I hate to say it - though I'm still gonna - but FORGET the skinny jeans, Karen, and buy a really fabulous dress! Honestly, dresses are so much easier than trousers, especially jeans. And you will can still wear excellent shoes and show off your sexy hot exercise-toned body, woo hoo!
    And that bag is a delight. I would call it a gold mesh evening bag, looks 1960s-ish in style to me.
    Whatever you wear - SHOW US!
    But not the holey knickers with bush pokage, I hope you have thrown those buggers away! xxxxx

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    1. Curtise, I was just trying to sausage myself into a dress in a changeroom this past Sunday! It was disastrous. Oh well, never give up, right?!

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  4. LMAO... you my Friend are so Hilarious... and Keep it so Real... I always feel better knowing I'm not the only one who goes thru this! I haven't worn Jeans... ANY Jeans, in quite a while because I simply can't breathe after I manage to paint them on... and then I can't feel my legs either... and then I'm hot and sweaty and can't get the damn things off... so forget about it! {Said in my best Sopranos dialect!} And I too am throwing out all the wrecked gitches... lately one leg of them always seems tighter than the other... whatssup with THAT?!? Is one leg getting more muscular {ie: fatter} than the other I Wonder? And How? These are the Questions now spinning thru my brain as I fight off another Hot Flash... well... at least getting Older beats the alternative... slightly. Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

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    1. Stretch denim, Dawn. I don't know how I survived jeans before that was invented.

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  5. Bag of cheese? Stay classy San Diego. ;)

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  6. More grosser indeed...but not as quite satisfying

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    1. I could go for some plastic cheese right now!

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  7. Oh Karen! It's so good to back here!! We are in STITCHES!!! Your descriptions of 'things' are just as they are for real! Geez! Even I can relate to some of it!! lol
    I really hope you have found those high rise (like in the 80's!!!) jeans....or I'd HATE to be living at your place!
    I know what you mean about Wal-Hell. I too 'give in' on occasion.
    Thanks for dropping by yesterday....gave me a the 'good slap in the head' I needed to come back.

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    1. I needed a good slap in the head months ago Jim! I hope you two are well...well, you 3, right? Can't forget Sophie!

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  8. Ha shame. I feel bad for laughing but you do make me laugh so. You worked much harder than I did to try skinnies. I bought one pair, went for the larger-size-with-a-belt option. But still default to the bootcuts often. And frocks. I agree with your earlier commenter. Gotta love a nice frock!

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  9. Ha shame. I feel bad for laughing but you do make me laugh so. You worked much harder than I did to try skinnies. I bought one pair, went for the larger-size-with-a-belt option. But still default to the bootcuts often. And frocks. I agree with your earlier commenter. Gotta love a nice frock!

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    Replies
    1. a belt! Damn! I never think of a freaking belt!

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  10. I love that shirt. I mean I love it.

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    1. thanks, it is kind of SEXAY! Bah, who am I kidding--I'm wearing a sweater right now and I'm still too frozen. Lousy winter.

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  11. Oh, my God! I don't even have words. Just amazing.

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  12. Hilarious. I even hate to utter the name, but Not Your Daughter's Jeans has a higher rise skinny jeans with a bit of tummy tuck built in. Consider yourself one of Time's passengers, crossing the Rubicon into adulthood, accept it all and check them out.

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    1. I just went looking for those this weekend, but their selection was shit! I am curious to try on a pair though, even if they are expensive. I love that you said I crossed the Rubicon into adulthood. That sounds so awesome. So much better than: "this line in my forehead is really deep."

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  13. Bloody HELL, you make me giggle! XXX

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  14. Even though you have lost weight and are capable of considering skinny jeans, I love you. Thank you for sharing your shopping adventure! Sometimes it goes so well and you feel like a superstar, and sometimes it goes like this, some sort of twisted inferno of Who Runs This Planet?! My size is different, but we share this struggle.

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    1. considering skinny jeans! Ah, to dream. Being is believing and all that, right? Meh--I'm wearing a pair of Walmart's finest right now. It's all good. And you're right: we share this struggle for sure!

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  15. OMG You made me laugh so hard! I mean I know I shouldn't laugh at your skinny jean misery, but really HARD I laughed. I have a pair of skinny jeans and guess what... they suck, because unlike you I haven't lost the weight, and and and I have chunky legs - so I just look like a potato in them! However, they do look good with knee high boots! Potato with boots - it's a look I think!

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    1. girlfriend, I lost SOME weight. It's good, but I think I'm way better off stuffing my jelly into some relaxed leg jeans! Who cares? They're comfortable! I'll bet you look just fine in yours :)

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  16. Can I just say how much I LURV you??!?! I haven't been blogging lately & honestly I miss YOUR blogs more than mine!! This is me to a freakin' ever loving TEE!!! I have the mummy tummy, stretch marks & all. I can hide it well until those damn skinny jeans come into play. I have legs, well I mean, most of us have legs, but THAT my friend is my best asset (some say my ass & I let them) they are long & lean. I would SO rock skinny jeans if I were... well... skinny... er. Those high waisted, tummy sucker, not quite mom jeans always look nice but damnit my ass wants skinny jeans. Oh & the panties, me too. Hole whore right here & it's from accidentally grabbing them while you're trying to hike up your damn jeans. I put a thumb thru them every time. Thank goodness for my Christmas gift card & Vicky's 7 for $25 sale!

    Good luck on your Jillian tour, sounds so exciting. I'm on a Shaun T tour... ok it's not a tour so to speak, it's a hot ass crazy sweaty mess right in my living room (soon) and I can't wait. You know me, I've tried every gimmick (the latest was Skinny Fiber... which I don't think it has a drop of either in it... no skinny, no fiber) but now it's time for the nitty gritty, doing it old school or the realistic way I guess you could say! Wish me luck!

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    1. thanks for the great comment. Too bad I suck and finally discovered it, oh, FOUR MONTHS LATER. AH well, better four months later than never. I LOVE the hole whore comment. Hilarious!

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