This morning, right before I woke up, I had a very vivid dream. My Mom was there, and she was putting on this two piece skirt/blouse outfit that had flowers on it. She looked wonderful, and she was healthy. No crippled arthritic body. In the dream, her stomach was exposed from between the low skirt and the blouse and I said; "Mom, you're showing a lot of skin though." She laughed and said; "now it's like YOU'RE the MOM and I'M the CHILD."
I felt so relieved in the dream, because she was in remission from ALS, even though it was ALS that took my dad. I was so happy she was there, and that she was healthy and happy and beautiful.
Facebook is full of good wishes for Mother's Day. It's filled with women sharing pictures of them with their own mothers, so much so that it was causing me great pangs of the heart. Do you know that feeling? Surely this is whence the expression "heartache" is derived. In fact, it was causing me such pain that last night I thought, yup, that's it. I'm just going to avoid Facebook tomorrow until Mother's Day is over. In four years, this day is still a reminder of how much I miss her.
I got up, got washed. I hugged my own children. I love them very much. I put on my workout clothes, laced up my big girl shoes, put on my shades, put that idiot new fangled cell phone in my little purse, queued up my ipod and headed out the door, bright and early, just the way I like.
Today there is not a cloud in the sky. I walked along feeling good. No matter what self doubts I often grapple with, I am strong. I am healthy. When the mood strikes me, I can pick up my feet and fly down that sidewalk. I feel unstoppable. I no longer have anyone to make little amateurish cards for, bestow hanging baskets of flowers upon, share slightly awkward hugs with, but I can be the receiver of those hand-made paper treasures, and I can receive and give heart-strong embraces, and when the mood strikes me I can pick up my feet and fly down that sidewalk, carrying all the love and hope I have for my children, and my Mom with me every step of the way.